and poor brooke thinks he's a skeleton
Oh, I guess I expanded the crack-fic after all. It's not finished, and I really do think I should refocus the addiction joke, but overall it made me laugh so it's probably still salvageable one way or another.
Q: Tell me a little about changes in your crew.
Nami: Well...we recently got a doctor.
Usopp: And a reindeer.
N: Right. But we use him mainly as a doctor. It's um, it's been a little difficult to adjust but I think it's really been settling down.
Q: Recently you lost a crew member as well.
U: Yeah. That was hard on all of us.
Roronoa Zoro: It couldn't be helped. This way was the best one for everyone involved.
N: And we DID find an excellent institution. With very high ceilings.
Q: Did you have any idea beforehand?
N: No. Oh, no. If we'd any idea things had gotten this bad, we would have intervened long ago. Of course, we all saw him USING them, but -
U: We thought he had it under control.
R.Z.: He was real sneaky about it, though. Like, ok, we all saw him using them during battles, but sometimes he'd just pop one in when he was feeling down.
U: Yeah. Like, sometimes we'd turn around and he'd be in Defense Point.
R.Z.: Usually when Nami yelled at him.
N: Oh, shut up! Are you saying it's all my fault?
R.Z.: If the shoe fits...
[sounds of fighting, loud crash as recording dial drops to the floor]
Q: It's fine. It's fine. No, I don't think it's broken. If Mr. Roronoa could, ah, kindly put his swords away, I think we'll be able to continue.
[general muttering]
Q: Er, yes, thank you. So none of you were concerned about Tony Tony Chopper's occasional Rumbleball use.
N: No. I mean, gosh, how hypocritical would that have been? We all have our little idiosyncrasies. For example, I follow dual tendencies toward kleptomania and extreme possessiveness.
U: And I have created an alternate persona, which I assume under moments of emotional crisis.
R.Z.: And I find it soothing to lick the blood of my enemies off the blades of my swords. I mean, right? Who doesn't?
Q: I see.
U: And Sanji's dependency on nicotine is so bad that he says he needs a cigarette to help him BREATHE.
N: And Robin gets her jollies from invading people's private bodily spaces, probably as a misguided compensation for the lack of human warmth during her early life.
Q: If I could just -
R.Z.: And Franky is a fifteen-year-old boy living in the past, stuck in a thirty-three-year-old's body living in the present.
N: And poor Brooke thinks he's a skeleton.
U: And Luffy is always eating because he uses food as a substitute for the approval of older male role models in his life, all of whom abandoned him at critical moments of his emotional and physical development.
R.Z.: And Nami has anger-management issues.
N: And Zoro is a drunkard.
R.Z.: And Nami -
Q: I think we may be getting off topic -
R.Z.: - to hide her insecurity about her looks.
U: Yeah, I've noticed that.
N: At least I don't have delusions of grandeur, unlike SOME PEOPLE.
U: Aw, come on. I don't think Zoro is delusional.
R.Z.: Have I mentioned that Usopp's nose is fake?
U: Hey!
[More sounds of fighting. There is an occasional scream. The author must apologize for this break in the interview due to inability to transcribe ]
Q: [visibly shaken. The lens of my glasses have cracked and I have somehow lost a tooth] S-so...um...when - when did you start becoming concerned about Tony Tony Chopper?
R.Z.: [glaring at Nami and Usopp] Enies Lobby. That was where he first O.D.ed.
N: It was horrible. You know, they always warn you about drugs that make you too happy or all depressed or the ones that make you hallucinate, but they never tell you about the ones that turn you into a gigantic hairy monster incapable of human rationality. It's a real and dangerous oversight on the part of our public education system, I think.
U: But things were already dicey even before that, though, remember?
N: Oh...yeah. Like how he had to take half a Rumbleball and wash it down with water every morning before breakfast. He said it helped with digestion.
U: If he went too long without eating one his hooves would start shaking.
R.Z.: [pointing to his right arm] See this scar? Sewed it up myself. At first Chopper was gonna do it, like, he had the needle ready and everything, but at the last minute I told him, "No way," 'cause it was completely obvious he'd just taken a hit. He just kept changing from Point to Point randomly. Doesn't make you feel too confident, when you can see your doctor's muscles spasming all over the place. You know?
U: But Enies Lobby was definitely the turning point, I agree. Once he started, he just couldn't stop.
N: Okay, here's a secret. You've got to promise not to put this in the article. The official story is that Iceburg restored the Going Merry after CP9 destroyed it, and that we burned it in a funerary fire on the ocean after she broke a second time. But anyone possessing an ounce of logic would realize that's crazy, right? The truth is, it'd been sitting in storage in Franky's shop the whole time, until Iceburg brought it with him to Enies Lobby. We took Merry back with us to Water 7, thinking we could continue on the Grand Line after some minor repairs. But then Chopper overdosed AGAIN and destroyed half of the Old Town, so in the end we had to sell Merry off as spare lumber to pay for the damages.
R.Z.: Not to mention keeping the media quiet.
U: I'm still mad about that.
R.Z.: Yeah, Usopp was the one who really pushed for letting Chopper go.
U: Uh - that comment's off the record, okay?
Q: I promise. When did things come to a head?
N: Probably when he capsized the ship.
Q: The new one?
N: Right. The rest of us were having a snack on the deck when we heard this CRACKING sound, like a thunderbolt. And the next thing we knew, this huge pair of legs was crashing down on the grass -
U: One of them kicked me right in the face -
N - and there was fur all over the place, and then the Thousand Sunny split right in half, like a watermelon, and we all got dumped in the ocean. I ruined a brand new pair of leather shoes thanks to Chopper.
R.Z.: Like that was the most terrible part of the day.
N: Oh, please. You wouldn't stop complaining about the salt water staining your haramaki.
U: In any case, it was a bad idea to let Chopper keep watch in the crow's nest that day. We all forgot that we shouldn't let him walk around unsupervised.
R.Z.: Yeah. The only lucky thing was that salt water sobered him up right away. But he can't swim, you know, so I had to dive down to get him. And, uh, let's see...the Dartboard-brow cook was hanging onto Luffy, and Franky had Robin, and Nami and Usopp were holding Brooke up -
N: He kept making his 'skull jokes', like "
I had to stop there 'cause I couldn't think of any good skull jokes ;_;
Q: Tell me a little about changes in your crew.
Nami: Well...we recently got a doctor.
Usopp: And a reindeer.
N: Right. But we use him mainly as a doctor. It's um, it's been a little difficult to adjust but I think it's really been settling down.
Q: Recently you lost a crew member as well.
U: Yeah. That was hard on all of us.
Roronoa Zoro: It couldn't be helped. This way was the best one for everyone involved.
N: And we DID find an excellent institution. With very high ceilings.
Q: Did you have any idea beforehand?
N: No. Oh, no. If we'd any idea things had gotten this bad, we would have intervened long ago. Of course, we all saw him USING them, but -
U: We thought he had it under control.
R.Z.: He was real sneaky about it, though. Like, ok, we all saw him using them during battles, but sometimes he'd just pop one in when he was feeling down.
U: Yeah. Like, sometimes we'd turn around and he'd be in Defense Point.
R.Z.: Usually when Nami yelled at him.
N: Oh, shut up! Are you saying it's all my fault?
R.Z.: If the shoe fits...
[sounds of fighting, loud crash as recording dial drops to the floor]
Q: It's fine. It's fine. No, I don't think it's broken. If Mr. Roronoa could, ah, kindly put his swords away, I think we'll be able to continue.
[general muttering]
Q: Er, yes, thank you. So none of you were concerned about Tony Tony Chopper's occasional Rumbleball use.
N: No. I mean, gosh, how hypocritical would that have been? We all have our little idiosyncrasies. For example, I follow dual tendencies toward kleptomania and extreme possessiveness.
U: And I have created an alternate persona, which I assume under moments of emotional crisis.
R.Z.: And I find it soothing to lick the blood of my enemies off the blades of my swords. I mean, right? Who doesn't?
Q: I see.
U: And Sanji's dependency on nicotine is so bad that he says he needs a cigarette to help him BREATHE.
N: And Robin gets her jollies from invading people's private bodily spaces, probably as a misguided compensation for the lack of human warmth during her early life.
Q: If I could just -
R.Z.: And Franky is a fifteen-year-old boy living in the past, stuck in a thirty-three-year-old's body living in the present.
N: And poor Brooke thinks he's a skeleton.
U: And Luffy is always eating because he uses food as a substitute for the approval of older male role models in his life, all of whom abandoned him at critical moments of his emotional and physical development.
R.Z.: And Nami has anger-management issues.
N: And Zoro is a drunkard.
R.Z.: And Nami -
Q: I think we may be getting off topic -
R.Z.: - to hide her insecurity about her looks.
U: Yeah, I've noticed that.
N: At least I don't have delusions of grandeur, unlike SOME PEOPLE.
U: Aw, come on. I don't think Zoro is delusional.
R.Z.: Have I mentioned that Usopp's nose is fake?
U: Hey!
[More sounds of fighting. There is an occasional scream. The author must apologize for this break in the interview due to inability to transcribe ]
Q: [visibly shaken. The lens of my glasses have cracked and I have somehow lost a tooth] S-so...um...when - when did you start becoming concerned about Tony Tony Chopper?
R.Z.: [glaring at Nami and Usopp] Enies Lobby. That was where he first O.D.ed.
N: It was horrible. You know, they always warn you about drugs that make you too happy or all depressed or the ones that make you hallucinate, but they never tell you about the ones that turn you into a gigantic hairy monster incapable of human rationality. It's a real and dangerous oversight on the part of our public education system, I think.
U: But things were already dicey even before that, though, remember?
N: Oh...yeah. Like how he had to take half a Rumbleball and wash it down with water every morning before breakfast. He said it helped with digestion.
U: If he went too long without eating one his hooves would start shaking.
R.Z.: [pointing to his right arm] See this scar? Sewed it up myself. At first Chopper was gonna do it, like, he had the needle ready and everything, but at the last minute I told him, "No way," 'cause it was completely obvious he'd just taken a hit. He just kept changing from Point to Point randomly. Doesn't make you feel too confident, when you can see your doctor's muscles spasming all over the place. You know?
U: But Enies Lobby was definitely the turning point, I agree. Once he started, he just couldn't stop.
N: Okay, here's a secret. You've got to promise not to put this in the article. The official story is that Iceburg restored the Going Merry after CP9 destroyed it, and that we burned it in a funerary fire on the ocean after she broke a second time. But anyone possessing an ounce of logic would realize that's crazy, right? The truth is, it'd been sitting in storage in Franky's shop the whole time, until Iceburg brought it with him to Enies Lobby. We took Merry back with us to Water 7, thinking we could continue on the Grand Line after some minor repairs. But then Chopper overdosed AGAIN and destroyed half of the Old Town, so in the end we had to sell Merry off as spare lumber to pay for the damages.
R.Z.: Not to mention keeping the media quiet.
U: I'm still mad about that.
R.Z.: Yeah, Usopp was the one who really pushed for letting Chopper go.
U: Uh - that comment's off the record, okay?
Q: I promise. When did things come to a head?
N: Probably when he capsized the ship.
Q: The new one?
N: Right. The rest of us were having a snack on the deck when we heard this CRACKING sound, like a thunderbolt. And the next thing we knew, this huge pair of legs was crashing down on the grass -
U: One of them kicked me right in the face -
N - and there was fur all over the place, and then the Thousand Sunny split right in half, like a watermelon, and we all got dumped in the ocean. I ruined a brand new pair of leather shoes thanks to Chopper.
R.Z.: Like that was the most terrible part of the day.
N: Oh, please. You wouldn't stop complaining about the salt water staining your haramaki.
U: In any case, it was a bad idea to let Chopper keep watch in the crow's nest that day. We all forgot that we shouldn't let him walk around unsupervised.
R.Z.: Yeah. The only lucky thing was that salt water sobered him up right away. But he can't swim, you know, so I had to dive down to get him. And, uh, let's see...the Dartboard-brow cook was hanging onto Luffy, and Franky had Robin, and Nami and Usopp were holding Brooke up -
N: He kept making his 'skull jokes', like "
I had to stop there 'cause I couldn't think of any good skull jokes ;_;