Cute Things I Want To Remember and some.
Dear Britney,
So CJ and i had this whole three hour conversation and in it we talked about the shit that went on a few months back concerning the drama around me and him. I found out what was going on behind my back that I had no idea about. This upsetted me greatly especially since I never got to tell my side of the story and people (mean people) wouldn't get past their own beliefs. So here is me, clearing the air after three and a half months. I was told that according to everyone (especially beth) I was only friends with you to get to CJ. That I only came over to see CJ. That was never, NEVER the case. I can understand that she is your sister and she was just looking out for you. I would have done the same thing. But really...that's bullshit. The night I hung out with him, it was exactly as I told you. We didn't wait for you to go to sleep or even plot behind your back. We were both online and bored. I was going to invite you but CJ said you were already asleep. I figured since you and I are friends, and he and i are friends...why can't he and I hang out? It wasn't like i was trying to set up a date with him. It was purely friendly, promise. So we went to longs to exchange my hair clip and to safeway to get something to eat and hung out in the safeway parking lot talking. My bad...
It still makes me incredibly sad that I no longer have you as a friend. Ask CJ, i tell him all the time. We had a great friendship. I considered you my equal and we had fantastic times together. You were the one I looked forward to seeing everyday after work or after school. Just because I had feelings for CJ didn't push away the fact that I wanted to be true friends with you. True, things were messed up and shitty in the end, but if I wasn't a true, GOOD friend (unlike what SOME people were saying) why did I try so hard to stop liking CJ? Why did I continue to try and be your friend even while people were talking behind my back?
It has come to my attention over and over again from various people that a WHOLE bunch of shit was talked about me from the one person I thought I could trust throughout the whole situation, you. So I'm a bitch? I'm a slut? What does that make you? Just a drone mind-washed to believe what everyone wants you to believe. I wish you were strong enough to stand up for me...I wish you were strong enough to work things out with me. I wish you didn't just sit there on the couch not saying a word as person after person put me down. I wish you knew better and believed in me. I wish I was allowed to see you and talk to you like we did a while ago. I would tell you everything and you wouldn't hold back either. I was willing to put aside all feelings I had for CJ to better the friendship. Please, believe that. Chicks before dicks, right?
Anyway, at CJ's birthday, I wanted to talk to you and make everything okay between us. I went into the party with certain goals I wished to achieve. I wanted to pull you aside and tell you that you looked pretty and I liked your hair because you did look nice that night. Rachel, Dave, and I were going to pick you up from the apartments so that you and I could talk without influences from other people egging you on. Just you..and me...straightening things out, but you weren't there. So my next move was to pull you aside in the kitchen and talk to you but there was shit already being talked. I wanted to talk this through and have you not glare at me anymore. I wanted you to be comfortable around me. I wanted to make you like me again. I wasn't expecting best friends...but i wanted you to know that I still cared, that this situation hasn't left me either. Not even the bravest person in the world could have stayed that night. Among all the glares and shit talk...I felt smaller than a flea. So congratulations for doing that. You were successful...all of you. You made me feel lower than poop and I bet in your eyes I deserved it. If only you guys were willing to open up your minds and listen to others. So you are like my dad...rule one: i'm always right...rule two: refer back to number one. I now know this. I cried for hours and came home shaking not because i was cold but because i was so scared and in shock. Again...congratulations.
Yes, I am with CJ and things are going good, actually great, but I didn't want to lose something great to earn something great. You and I depended on each other in ultra-tough times in our lives. Both of us recovering from losing friends and not having anything. I knew you weren't strong to stand up for me. As everyone came to their own conclusions, you sat back and pretended to (and eventually) believed it. I wanted us to laugh, dance/sing to music, talk, and go on adventures for longer than we did but unfortunately life got in the way. This isn't a fire-back kind of venting but just a few things I wanted you to store in your mind. You made me a better person whether you choose to believe it or not. I was going through an extremely tough era in my life and you came just at the right time. You made me smile and feel good about myself. So thank you. Thank you giving me your time. The night you told me you couldn't be my friend anymore, i cried myself to sleep. I woke up crying and had the mindset that I would never talk to CJ again. We met at 7-11 and i asked for a hug. I'm not going to lie, it felt welcomed. We talked over the night before and he told me about the shit talked behind my back. This made me extremely sad. I was a good friend to you for the whole time. I never meant to hurt you, promise. I did like CJ...a whole lot but I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to lose you. I know that I made a mistake in not telling you. I was afraid of the consequences. I needed you as a friend. I should have seen it coming. I would have lost you anyway, no matter what I did. I was never good enough to hang out with you (according to everyone else) and I would have never fit in. I know that certain people didn't like me, you reminded me of it constantly. It must have been tough dealing with the pressures of everyone not liking me...it must have seemed easier just to let me go. I was always trying to better myself so I would be accepted, though. It became too much. If this CJ thing hadn't ended our friendship...eventually all the pressure from everyone else would have. I never lived in the Royal Apartments so I couldn't have become as close to everyone as you guys have. You guys are a tight-knit family and take it from someone who knows...its extremely hard to try and get in. Look at me, i failed. Just remember...some people do want to stick around and try. This isn't a plee to try and get you to talk to me or even to acknowledge me. I don't even care if you believe this. Its my truth, and i know it. As it turns out, we may never even see each other again - i don't even know where you are. I just want you to be stronger in life. I want you to live up to your full potential. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I was lucky to get to know that. Don't let people hold you down. I do miss you and I do still cry about the situation. It was shitty but as you said...hopefully there's a crossroad.
Your ex-BFF4L,
Lauren.
OOOOKAY...moving on.
*looks at the moon and notice its a cresent and it looks like a smile*
Me: Look, the moons smiling at us
CJ: It's winking at you, babe *cute smile*
He said he was going to save up some money so we could go to Alabama so i can meet his mom.
He talked to his mom yesterday
Her: Is she purrrrty?
Him: Yes she is, i'll send you a picture.
I found his dogtag!!! it was weird. We were super bummed out cause he lost it and he really really liked it...i really really liked it on him. Anyway, i found it on the ground under my computer. I snatched it up super quick. Now i gotta wait three to four hours for him to get back.
So CJ and i had this whole three hour conversation and in it we talked about the shit that went on a few months back concerning the drama around me and him. I found out what was going on behind my back that I had no idea about. This upsetted me greatly especially since I never got to tell my side of the story and people (mean people) wouldn't get past their own beliefs. So here is me, clearing the air after three and a half months. I was told that according to everyone (especially beth) I was only friends with you to get to CJ. That I only came over to see CJ. That was never, NEVER the case. I can understand that she is your sister and she was just looking out for you. I would have done the same thing. But really...that's bullshit. The night I hung out with him, it was exactly as I told you. We didn't wait for you to go to sleep or even plot behind your back. We were both online and bored. I was going to invite you but CJ said you were already asleep. I figured since you and I are friends, and he and i are friends...why can't he and I hang out? It wasn't like i was trying to set up a date with him. It was purely friendly, promise. So we went to longs to exchange my hair clip and to safeway to get something to eat and hung out in the safeway parking lot talking. My bad...
It still makes me incredibly sad that I no longer have you as a friend. Ask CJ, i tell him all the time. We had a great friendship. I considered you my equal and we had fantastic times together. You were the one I looked forward to seeing everyday after work or after school. Just because I had feelings for CJ didn't push away the fact that I wanted to be true friends with you. True, things were messed up and shitty in the end, but if I wasn't a true, GOOD friend (unlike what SOME people were saying) why did I try so hard to stop liking CJ? Why did I continue to try and be your friend even while people were talking behind my back?
It has come to my attention over and over again from various people that a WHOLE bunch of shit was talked about me from the one person I thought I could trust throughout the whole situation, you. So I'm a bitch? I'm a slut? What does that make you? Just a drone mind-washed to believe what everyone wants you to believe. I wish you were strong enough to stand up for me...I wish you were strong enough to work things out with me. I wish you didn't just sit there on the couch not saying a word as person after person put me down. I wish you knew better and believed in me. I wish I was allowed to see you and talk to you like we did a while ago. I would tell you everything and you wouldn't hold back either. I was willing to put aside all feelings I had for CJ to better the friendship. Please, believe that. Chicks before dicks, right?
Anyway, at CJ's birthday, I wanted to talk to you and make everything okay between us. I went into the party with certain goals I wished to achieve. I wanted to pull you aside and tell you that you looked pretty and I liked your hair because you did look nice that night. Rachel, Dave, and I were going to pick you up from the apartments so that you and I could talk without influences from other people egging you on. Just you..and me...straightening things out, but you weren't there. So my next move was to pull you aside in the kitchen and talk to you but there was shit already being talked. I wanted to talk this through and have you not glare at me anymore. I wanted you to be comfortable around me. I wanted to make you like me again. I wasn't expecting best friends...but i wanted you to know that I still cared, that this situation hasn't left me either. Not even the bravest person in the world could have stayed that night. Among all the glares and shit talk...I felt smaller than a flea. So congratulations for doing that. You were successful...all of you. You made me feel lower than poop and I bet in your eyes I deserved it. If only you guys were willing to open up your minds and listen to others. So you are like my dad...rule one: i'm always right...rule two: refer back to number one. I now know this. I cried for hours and came home shaking not because i was cold but because i was so scared and in shock. Again...congratulations.
Yes, I am with CJ and things are going good, actually great, but I didn't want to lose something great to earn something great. You and I depended on each other in ultra-tough times in our lives. Both of us recovering from losing friends and not having anything. I knew you weren't strong to stand up for me. As everyone came to their own conclusions, you sat back and pretended to (and eventually) believed it. I wanted us to laugh, dance/sing to music, talk, and go on adventures for longer than we did but unfortunately life got in the way. This isn't a fire-back kind of venting but just a few things I wanted you to store in your mind. You made me a better person whether you choose to believe it or not. I was going through an extremely tough era in my life and you came just at the right time. You made me smile and feel good about myself. So thank you. Thank you giving me your time. The night you told me you couldn't be my friend anymore, i cried myself to sleep. I woke up crying and had the mindset that I would never talk to CJ again. We met at 7-11 and i asked for a hug. I'm not going to lie, it felt welcomed. We talked over the night before and he told me about the shit talked behind my back. This made me extremely sad. I was a good friend to you for the whole time. I never meant to hurt you, promise. I did like CJ...a whole lot but I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to lose you. I know that I made a mistake in not telling you. I was afraid of the consequences. I needed you as a friend. I should have seen it coming. I would have lost you anyway, no matter what I did. I was never good enough to hang out with you (according to everyone else) and I would have never fit in. I know that certain people didn't like me, you reminded me of it constantly. It must have been tough dealing with the pressures of everyone not liking me...it must have seemed easier just to let me go. I was always trying to better myself so I would be accepted, though. It became too much. If this CJ thing hadn't ended our friendship...eventually all the pressure from everyone else would have. I never lived in the Royal Apartments so I couldn't have become as close to everyone as you guys have. You guys are a tight-knit family and take it from someone who knows...its extremely hard to try and get in. Look at me, i failed. Just remember...some people do want to stick around and try. This isn't a plee to try and get you to talk to me or even to acknowledge me. I don't even care if you believe this. Its my truth, and i know it. As it turns out, we may never even see each other again - i don't even know where you are. I just want you to be stronger in life. I want you to live up to your full potential. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I was lucky to get to know that. Don't let people hold you down. I do miss you and I do still cry about the situation. It was shitty but as you said...hopefully there's a crossroad.
Your ex-BFF4L,
Lauren.
OOOOKAY...moving on.
*looks at the moon and notice its a cresent and it looks like a smile*
Me: Look, the moons smiling at us
CJ: It's winking at you, babe *cute smile*
He said he was going to save up some money so we could go to Alabama so i can meet his mom.
He talked to his mom yesterday
Her: Is she purrrrty?
Him: Yes she is, i'll send you a picture.
I found his dogtag!!! it was weird. We were super bummed out cause he lost it and he really really liked it...i really really liked it on him. Anyway, i found it on the ground under my computer. I snatched it up super quick. Now i gotta wait three to four hours for him to get back.