this entire blog is just fucking mortifying
That seems to be the unifying theme of all my posts. "How embarrassing can Kim get?" Yep. Yep.
***
I miss A. Or I miss what would have been an epic kilig conversation with her in her totally non-judgmental tones. I've been trying to trust people more lately but they've been disappointing me, tbh. But then again I suppose I've got a good number (of people that I do trust). I can count a few people off the top of my head that I don't think judge me (or at least not harshly enough to bother me, haha, but that is a very low threshold, I must say, so this says a lot, and really, it isn't the lack of judgment but an ability to appreciate of the complexity of feelings and relationships and crap like that): K, A, A, G, P. J, maybe, if we were still friends (we would have been good friends if he hadn't caught me at such a horrible time, for the second time--honestly, irdg why he likes me, or I do, and it sucks that he had terrible timing, first month into law school THEN three and a half for me and two years for him of being in a relationship, he was fucking exhilarating and non-threatening which I realize now is pretty fucking important, haha, lest I be kept silent by fear and intimidation--well-placed, if I may say so now--for seven and a half years or more).
Shit, where was I again?
Anyway, I've been feeling bad that people have been disappointing me lately, but I guess I can't expect a whole lot of people be capable of as much...what is it? Doubt? Confusion? Idk...as I am. K and the others, I don't think they agree with me. I think they may want to make me stop. But they don't, I think, because they appreciate the dilemma. Maybe the others just suffer from a lack of imagination. How dull it must be to believe there is one right way to go about these things.
As for me, I don't know the answer to that. I think my "right way" was always just whatever gave me inner peace. Or at least whatever I could stomach and would let me sleep. I know SS has gone through these things, chose one, and lives as though that were right. The thing is, I really don't know. Maybe I'll get there, maybe I'll get somewhere else.
***
This is September 1st all over again. Fuck you very much.
***
I miss A. Or I miss what would have been an epic kilig conversation with her in her totally non-judgmental tones. I've been trying to trust people more lately but they've been disappointing me, tbh. But then again I suppose I've got a good number (of people that I do trust). I can count a few people off the top of my head that I don't think judge me (or at least not harshly enough to bother me, haha, but that is a very low threshold, I must say, so this says a lot, and really, it isn't the lack of judgment but an ability to appreciate of the complexity of feelings and relationships and crap like that): K, A, A, G, P. J, maybe, if we were still friends (we would have been good friends if he hadn't caught me at such a horrible time, for the second time--honestly, irdg why he likes me, or I do, and it sucks that he had terrible timing, first month into law school THEN three and a half for me and two years for him of being in a relationship, he was fucking exhilarating and non-threatening which I realize now is pretty fucking important, haha, lest I be kept silent by fear and intimidation--well-placed, if I may say so now--for seven and a half years or more).
Shit, where was I again?
Anyway, I've been feeling bad that people have been disappointing me lately, but I guess I can't expect a whole lot of people be capable of as much...what is it? Doubt? Confusion? Idk...as I am. K and the others, I don't think they agree with me. I think they may want to make me stop. But they don't, I think, because they appreciate the dilemma. Maybe the others just suffer from a lack of imagination. How dull it must be to believe there is one right way to go about these things.
As for me, I don't know the answer to that. I think my "right way" was always just whatever gave me inner peace. Or at least whatever I could stomach and would let me sleep. I know SS has gone through these things, chose one, and lives as though that were right. The thing is, I really don't know. Maybe I'll get there, maybe I'll get somewhere else.
***
This is September 1st all over again. Fuck you very much.