Guilty Heart- Chapter 10 (Redefining Love)
Title: Guilty Heart-Chapter 10 9Redefining Love)
User: bluangleyes75
Pairing: Rob/Kristen
Rating: PG
Summary: Rob and Kristen take their first steps towards being "fine".
Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't even know them, but a girl can dream. All mistakes are mine...
Chapter 1 l Chapter 2 l Chapter 3 l Chapter 4 l Chapter 5 l Chapter 6 l Chapter 7 l Chapter 8 l Chapter 8 l Chapter 9
Riding in the back of the car listening to Ruth talk incessantly on her cell, Kristen stared out the window and watched the waves of the ocean roll in. Her newly splinted finger felt better now that it was stabilized. The pain medication they stopped to pick up at the pharmacy on their way out of LA was helping with the physical pain, as well as her anxiety. She rested her forehead on the window and blinked slowly, trying to focus on the quickly passing scenery as the driver sped up the highway.
Kristen chanced a quick glance at her and offered a small smile, before turning back to the ocean. She had expected to go back to her parent’s house after her doctor appointment, but they had headed in the opposite direction When she'd been told she wasn't going home, she'd argued briefly, but gave in quickly when she realized she really didn’t have a say in the matter. Due to her lack of presence in her own life for a week, she had forfeited her right to make decisions until further notice. Groaning with the thought that everyone was going to own her ass for god knows how long, she closed her eyes and enjoyed the floating feeling spreading through her, compliments of her pain pill.
****
When the car rolled to a stop, she fought to open her eyes. Ruth reached and grabbed her shoulder, jostling to help her wake up.
“I can’t believe you fell asleep again, this might prove harder than we thought,” she snickered and shook her some more.
Kristen laughed a little at the snide comment and sat up, “Smart ass, it’s the medicine. I’m fine!”
Ruth shrugged and opened the door to step out. Kristen crawled across the back seat and emerged behind her. Seeing that she was at the Malibu house, she relaxed and pushed her sunglasses on top of her head.
“Thank god, you didn’t put me in a fucking hotel. I probably would’ve run away!” She draped her arm around Ruth’s shoulder and gave a quick squeeze to let her know that she was appreciative.
“I figured.” Her friend shrugged and started walking to the front door.
The driver moved to the rear of the SUV to get Kristen’s stuff before following her into the house and setting it down at the base of the stairs. He retreated back to the vehicle, leaving Ruth and Kristen standing just inside the door.
“Look, I’ve gotta go take care of stuff for our trip. Promise me you won’t sleep. I’m going to check up on you and if I even think you’re sleeping, I'll come back and personally kick your ass!” She waggled a finger in Kristen’s face mockingly.
“If you’re so worried then stay with me,” Kristen taunted, “Can’t you take care of stuff from here so I don’t have to be alone?”
“I was planning on it, but I have to go back. I need to finalize everything before we leave for Toronto.” She reached and locked her finger with Kristen’s and shook their hands back and forth.
“Sure, abandon me in my time of need,” Kristen feigned hurt before giving a little laugh, knowing she would be okay, actually relieved that they were trusting she didn’t need a babysitter.
Ruth unhooked their fingers and pointed to the bag on the floor by the door as she spoke, “I packed your iPod and Kindle. Your laptop is in the car, I’ll have them bring it in before we leave. If you need me call and I’ll come back out. Please, Kristen, don’t crawl into bed!” Her eyes searched Kristen’s face pleadingly.
“I’m not tired, Ruth! I'll be fine!” she tried to sound convincing.
“Ok, call me if you need me. Get some sun and for Christ’s sake, eat something fattening, you're way too thin! I might have to call and have them do something about the dress..." Ruth mumbled the last part of her statement as she turned and strode out the door, waving as she went.
Kristen reached to lock the door before turning back and squatting down to unzip her bag and find her Kindle and iPod. She listened to what she thought was the car pulling away before straightening and walking through the house. She checked the fridge and noticed that it had been stocked for her then made her way down to one of the bedrooms with her bag. Setting it on the bed she realized that the driver never brought her computer in. She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and made her way back up the stairs with Ruth’s phone ringing in her ear.
At the top of the stairs she paused, waiting to leave a voicemail message, when she heard a key being slipped into the lock of the front door. Thinking it was someone returning with her laptop, she reached and turned the lock before pulling the door open. She laughed and was about to make a smartass remark when she laid eyes on Rob, hunched over a bit, keys in hand, eyes wide with surprise.
“Rob?” she questioned, her laugh leaving her promptly as the shock of him standing in front of her settled in.
He straightened, opening his arms wide and shrugging.
She opened the door for him and stepped aside, allowing him room to get in the house. He sidestepped her, watching her as he entered. When he was safely inside, she bit her lip and closed the door, relocking it.
He grabbed the strap of her laptop bag, which was slung over his shoulder, and shrugged it off before holding it out to her.
Reaching to take it, she shook her head.
“Ruth forgot it at the house, asked me to pick it up and bring it out to you.” He gave her a crooked smile and shrugged again.
“Oh, thank god for Ruth,” she laughed to relieve her surprise at seeing him in front of her and set the bag down next to the stairs before toeing off her shoes.
He plunged his hands into his pockets and stood studying her. She felt a little uncomfortable with him after everything they’d been through and moved her finger to her mouth to chew on the cuticle. Stepping to her, he removed one hand from his pocket and reached to extract her finger. She let him and tried to set her hand down in front of her, but he kept a grip on it, bringing it closer to his face.
“Is it broken?” He bent to brush his lips across the splinted finger gently.
“Fractured,” she breathed out, watching and feeling his feather-light touch, as butterflies took flight in her stomach.
“I’m sorry, Love,” he spoke and peeked up at her.
“It’s not your fault, Rob, I shouldn’t have hit you,” she drew her hand back from him and crossed her arms across her chest, not knowing how to act with him after he professed that everything was fine between them. She wondered how it could be that easy after everything they’d been through. She didn’t want to resume their old behaviors and make a fool out of herself if he was just telling her that to make her feel better.
“I definitely didn’t help the situation,” he countered, sounding slightly guilty.
“I overreacted,” she threw back, not wanting him to feel responsible for her outburst. She knew how guilt had torn her apart and didn’t want him to have to feel the same pain.
He laughed and took two steps towards her. Her eyes went wide and her heart rate increased before he stopped.
“You okay?” He asked and reached out to rub her arm. Her startle reflex allowed him a brief glimpse into where her head was and it broke his heart to see her so on edge.
“Yeah, I just don’t know what to do here,” she admitted quietly and relaxed with his touch.
“I don’t either, but I needed to see you. I can leave if you’re uncomfortable. I’ve just been so worried, Love,” he reached out his other arm to her.
Hearing him tell her how he felt due to her shutting him out made her feel bad and she dropped her head. He wrapped his arms around her tighter and pulled her gently to him. She moved to his chest and pressed against him, sighing. The feeling of his arms around her sent chills through her from head to toe.
“I’m sorry I freaked everyone out. I didn’t mean to, I just…” she filtered off and uncrossed her arms from between them, reaching to wrap them around his body and fist his shirt in her hands.
“Shhh, don’t be sorry,” he spoke softly and shifted so he could rub his fingers up and down her back. He felt her tension release as she melted into him and relaxed.
“Jesus, Kristen, you are so thin. Have you eaten?” he sounded worried as he traced his fingers over her spine, making his way down to her hips.
She shook her head against him and tried to pull away, but he intensified his hold, not ready to let her go yet. She gave in, knowing she didn’t have the strength to fight him.
“Are you hungry?” he mumbled into the top of her head.
“No,” she laughed trying to cover her embarrassment, “I’m fine. Everyone keeps freaking out and I’m fine.”
“Did you eat?” he asked.
“Yes, Ruth forced me to choke down soup before my appointment and they went through the drive-thru for me after. Is it that bad?” she suddenly felt overly self-conscious.
“Ugh, no, it’s just different,” he tried to cover his worry so not to freak her out. Stepping back from her he removed his hands from her back and reached to cup her cheeks in his hands. Tilting her neck so he could get a good look at her, he searched her face and realized that she looked extremely thin. Worry flashed through his eyes and his forehead drew into a crease, making her feel even more uncomfortable and sent her wiggling away from his grasp.
“Want something to drink?” she asked striding away from him towards the kitchen.
He followed, cursing himself internally for making her feel awkward. When he turned the corner into the kitchen she already had the fridge open and was bending down and peering in to see what she had. He slipped onto a barstool at the counter and waited.
“Beer, tea, soda, water…” she rattled off and waited for an answer from him.
“You need to ask?” he answered and watched her drag out a bottle of beer for him and a bottle of water for herself.
Twisting the cap off, she sat it down on the counter in front of him, “Just trying to be polite,” she said before removing the cap from her water and backing up to lean against the counter and study her feet.
He took a long drink from his beer and set it down, rolling it between his hands. He read the label intently as the silence of the house engulfed them completely. Finally he looked up and stared at her. She could feel his eyes on her and peeked up at him through her hair. He winked and offered her a slight smile, in an effort to put her more at ease.
“I don’t know what to do or say, Rob,” she admitted.
“What do you mean?” he asked confused.
“Everything is just so weird between us and I hate it, but I don’t know what to do to make it better,” she told him, standing straighter and finally looking him directly in the eye.
“No one said this would be easy, but we have to start trying. The past week scared the shit out of me, Kris, and it made me realize that life without you in it just isn’t the same. I know this won’t happen overnight, but we have to try,” he explained passionately, as he searched her face.
Feeling extremely vulnerable with him studying her, she reached and pulled her glasses down on her face to cover her eyes and pushed herself off the counter. Sitting still, he waited for a response. She walked around the counter, stopping to offer him her open hand. Tentatively he entwined their fingers and stood as she pulled on him gently. Grabbing his beer, he followed her back to the entry and up the stairs. They walked, silently, through the living space on the third floor to the patio doors. She set her water down on the table, so she wouldn’t have to let go of him, in order to unlock and open the door. The salty smell of the ocean floated into the house and he inhaled deeply, waiting for her pick up her drink again before moving outside.
He took in the view of the waves rolling as far as he could see and moved behind her. She went directly to a large round lounge and stopped and removed her glasses , leaning to set them and her drink on the side table before straightening and turning towards him. He stretched to set his beer down next to her water and stood back up, his newly free hand searching for hers. He melded their fingers together, conscious of her hurt digit and the splint, before pulling her closer to him and bending to kiss the top of her head.
“Now?” she mumbled against his chest.
“Now?” he pulled away and looked at her, not quite understanding what she was asking of him.
“Can we start now?” she clarified.
He smiled and nodded, unclasping their hands and motioning towards the lounge, signaling for her to get comfortable. She crawled into the middle of it and waited on her bent knees for him to follow. He toed off his shoes and crawled to meet her, bending to brush his lips against hers, before settling with his back against the wall of pillows and spreading his legs open, giving her room to crawl between them and rest her back against his chest. She scooted and wiggled into her favorite spot, fusing herself to him. He adjusted his legs and scooted down a little until her body was situated and formed perfectly against his. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him tighter before they both relaxed into one another and stared out across the ocean.
The salty breeze blew across the deck and played with their hair. Kristen sighed and reveled in the moment, slowly stroking her fingertips over his fingers. His thumb rubbed small circles against the inside of her wrist and he bent to rest his chin on the top of her head, closing his eyes, savoring the peace of the moment. For the first time in weeks, they were together in a way that was comfortable and reminiscent of happier times. There was no rush and no pressure. It was just Rob and Kristen.
“What do we do? Where to we start?” She rattled and tensed slightly in his arms.
He increased his striations against her wrist until she calmed down again before he spoke, “There are no rules, Love.”
“I know, but I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. I am so afraid of hurting you and making things worse. It’s like I’m afraid to say anything at all,” she admitted and stretched her neck to the side and turned her eyes so she could see him.
He looked at her for a brief moment before answering, “You can’t be afraid to talk; if we don’t talk then nothing will change. Everything isn’t going to be perfect from here on out. We’re going to piss each other off and shit might get rough, but if we don’t work through it then nothing will get better.”
She turned in his arms again, back to the rolling ocean and took in a deep breath. “You start; just say something, because I don’t even know what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is to tell you I’m sorry, but I’ve said that and I…” she stopped and waited for him.
“I know you’re sorry,” he uttered.
“See, that’s what I mean. I just have this need to apologize to you over and over again, but I know that it’s not what you need and I don’t know what else to say,” she nodded her head and clasped her hands over his tightly.
“Would you change it if you could,” he asked sincerely.
She nodded her head vigorously against his chest and answered, “You have no idea how much I wish I could.”
“Will you do it again?” He asked directly.
“No, I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you again,” she rushed and tried to turn in his arms to show him how serious she was.
“It was intentional?” He questioned and held her against him tightly.
She could only shake her head for a minute before he heard her small voice, “Shit, that’s what I mean…I can’t say anything right.”
He chuckled a little and kissed the top of her head, “I know what you meant.”
“Ugh, Babe,” she whined and tipped her head again, trying to catch his eyes with her own.
“We have to relax, we need to just be us and deal with it as it comes. We can’t force anything and I think that’s what we’ve been doing. We need to commit to just being together and seeing what happens. Fighting to stay apart and pushing everything aside hasn’t helped, so we need to try it another way,” he explained to her as his eyes moved across her face, trying to judge her reaction.
“Okay,” she smiled and stretched up to brush her lips against his, the need to reconnect with him giving her confidence. She could feel him smile against her mouth as her eyes fluttered closed. The corners of her mouth lifted as well before he nipped at her bottom lip and pulled back slowly. She twisted a little and turned to put herself at a better angle. He drew his hands up her body and dug his fingers into her hair at her temples, swiping it away from her face and tipping her head, so he could lean down and kiss her properly.
Her toes curled as she walked her fingers up his chest and around his neck, pulling him closer and opening herself to him. The taste of him intoxicated her senses and left her lightheaded as he worked his mouth over hers; stealing her oxygen and making her realize how much she missed him. Not feeling close enough to him she twisted more and rose to her knees, scooting against him until her breasts where pressed to his chest. Being above him because of her position on her knees, she was able to bend over him and fist his hair in her hands. She pulled back for a brief second to gauge his reaction before diving back in, swiping her tongue across his bottom lip and nipping at his upper lip then deepening their kiss. His hands left her hair and trailed down her body until they wrapped around her waist and cascaded over her hips. He kneaded and groaned before pulling her against him closer, eliciting a deep moan from her. Her heart threatened to beat out of her chest and she felt herself losing control, needing him more than she ever had before.
Afraid that they were going too fast and terrified that he would reject her again, like he had not long ago, she pulled herself together listened to her voice of reason. Loosening her hold on his neck, she pulled back and sat on the heels of her feet, the movement naturally taking her away from Rob and breaking their kiss. His eyes fluttered open slowly and she could feel his hands move against her hips. She gave him a lazy smile and drew her bottom lip between her teeth.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered.
She rolled off her knees and stretched one leg out, adjusting to throw it across his. She felt so far away from him, but she needed the space to collect her thoughts and catch her breath. His hands slid off her body as she moved and he placed them between his spread legs momentarily before she grabbed them up in her own once again.
“I was dead serious when I said I would do anything to make this work, Babe,” she started quietly, playing with his fingers as she spoke. “I want you to know that I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you and do whatever it takes to prove that to you.” She peeked up at him briefly before dropping her gaze back to their hands.
“Really, Anything?” he smiled and ran his hands up her arms, wrapping her up and tugging her against him again, the distance and the sight of her torturing herself was too much for him to bear.
“Mm, hm,” she nodded, nuzzling into him, resting her ear on his chest, right above where his heart was beating.
“If I said throw it all away, run away with me, marry me, and have my baby?” he tested her, expecting her to tense or squirm in his arms.
“I’d say, let’s do it!” she answered without giving it a second thought and peeking up at him through her lashes.
Surprised that she didn’t fight him at all on any detail, he drew his neck back to get a better look at her. She mimicked his movement until they were looking at one another eye to eye.
“Seriously?” he asked, shocked.
“Why not? I know what I want. I want you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I would suggest we work through some stuff first, but if you really want that, then let’s do it,” she smiled and raised her fingers to smooth the lines at the corner of his eye.
“Just you and me and a couple of kids, living anonymously off the grid somewhere,” he clarified, to make sure she understood what he was asking.
“As long as I have you, that’s all that matters. I was serious when I said I didn’t care about all of that if I don’t have you. You just have to be the one to tell Ruth. That’s my only condition,” she chuckled.
“Umm, okay then, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen,” he whispered jokingly and closed his eyes, content with her answer.
“I really would, Rob…I Love You!” She murmured.
“I believe you, Love, I really do! I love you too!”
She turned her eyes down and rested on his chest again, his hands moving to caress her back, soothing her as they settled back into a comfortable silence. The waves lapped at the shore below and the sun started to disappear from the sky as they sat with one another. She felt less intimidated without conversation and without having to look at him she started to feel more comfortable. Feeling him breathing behind her, the weight of his arms around her, and the scent of him enveloping her allowed her to feel normal again, as if she were finally back home.
The sky changed from pinkish orange to dark blue. The sun was replaced with the moon and clouds with stars as the two of them sat physically wrapped up as one. Their hands slowly explored and caressed as they reacquainted themselves slowly and quietly. Every now and then one of them would place a chaste gentle kiss on the other. Touching, but not talking, they sat together, lost in their own thoughts, yet so completely tied together in their experiences, their worries for the future, and their love for one another.
****
When the sun fell completely out of the sky and the breeze coming off the water caused her to shiver and pull herself into him closer, he finally spoke.
“Want to go inside love?” he asked, kissing the top of her head and adjusting so she could move.
“No, I want to stay like this forever,” she whispered and nuzzled against him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he gave her a gentle squeeze.
“I am,” she whined.
“It’s not forever, you’ll be back and we can pick up where we leave off. It’s just Toronto,” he coaxed her.
“I’m scared to face everything. I don’t want to go, come with me?” She cried.
“I have the VMA’s, Love,” he brushed his chin across the top of her head.
“I’d rather do that,” she sat up and stretched a little, shaking as the breeze assaulted her without the warmth of Rob to counteract its effects.
“Whatever,” he chuckled and started to move the kinks out of his body that had settled while they had sat over the extended period of time.
“I would, I’m terrified to do the press line. I can’t imagine what they’re going to ask,” she crawled off the lounge and grabbed her water and glasses, flinching as the pain in her finger reared its ugly head again.
“They won’t be allowed to ask anything personal,” he assured her as he scooted to the edge of their seat and hoisted himself up. He stretched next to her, his shirt lifting and exposing a sliver of skin above his low-slung jeans, causing her to stare and smile like a cat that ate a canary. He caught her watching him and smiled back before bending to place a kiss on her splinted finger. “Want another pain pill?”
She nodded and walked into the house. He stopped to close and lock the door to the balcony before making his way down the stairs to the main level of the house. She dumped her room-temperature water into the sink and tossed the bottle into the recycling bin before holding out her hand for his beer bottle. He passed it to her and watched as she followed the same routine before crossing to the fridge and taking out a fresh beer for him and cold water for herself. He smiled at how easy it was for her to fall back into their normal routine when she wasn’t thinking too hard.
“Where are your pills, Kris?” he asked and looked around for her things.
“They’re downstairs in my bag, I’ll get them when I go to bed,” she shrugged as her easiness with him faded away abruptly. He could see her brow furrow as if she were thinking too hard.
“Oh, ok…You tired?” he asked sensing that she was starting to pull away.
“Not really…” she mumbled and started fidgeting her toes on her left foot against her toes on her right foot.
“Don’t shut down Kristen, I’m right here,” he cooed, bringing her back and making her look at him. “What are you thinking?”
“I, ugh, I really don’t want you to go. I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted, running her finger over the condensation gathering on the outside of her water bottle.
“I don’t want to go,” he set his beer down and crossed the kitchen to meet her. Grabbing her water and setting it down as well, he engulfed her in his arms and rocked her gently. She relaxed again and felt emotions roll from her belly into her chest, bringing with them tears, that she couldn’t place as being either happy or sad.
Trying hard to keep it together and lighten the heaviness she felt taking over, she made a wise crack, “Take me to bed or lose me forever?”
He shook around her with a small laugh at her choice of movie quote and released her. “I have to go get my stuff, okay?”
“I’m gonna head down, meet me there?” She turned and walked from the kitchen to the stairs again and disappeared. He couldn’t help but think she looked like a scared kitten, scampering off to hide.
He hurried to grab his bag and rushed back into the house. He made it to the bedroom, but stopped in the doorway when he spotted her sitting on the edge of the bed with her head cradled in her hands. Her legs bounced and he could see how tightly her hair was fisted in her grip. She looked so fragile to him. His fierce and independent girl seemed to have been replaced by a small vulnerable waif; a shell of the woman he had shared so much of his life with. His stomach flip-flopped and the urge to rescue her and take away all of her pain overwhelmed him.
She sensed him and lifted her head, offering a weak smile. He gave her one back and stepped into the room, holding up his bag to show her that he was ready to stay. Her smile strengthened and she stood, turning to unzip her bag and extract her bottle of pills. As he crossed to his side of the bed, he witnessed her take a pill out and wash it down with her water. She froze and waited to see what he was going to do.
Sensing her apprehension, he set his bag down and offered, “I can sleep in another room, if you want.”
She cringed a little, the thought of him not being right next to her, almost too painful to bear. She wrapped her arms around herself and forced herself to find the strength and the words to tell him what she wanted, “No, I want you to sleep here, with me… if you want to?”
“I don’t wanna be anywhere else,” he reassured her and dropped his bag on the bed.
She smiled and walked across the room to the bathroom, stepping in and shutting the door as he looked on.
When he was alone in the room, he sighed deeply and ran his hands through his hair. Clasping his fingers together behind his head, he bent it and rolled his neck to loosen his tension. He so desperately wanted everything between them to be easy, but it felt so strained. She was walking on egg-shells and he didn’t know what to do to make it better for her. Seeing her struggling with herself was tearing at him, but he didn’t want to force her or make her more uncomfortable by pushing her. He could see the guilt from her mistake hanging off her and weighing her down. She carried her pain in every movement and every look she gave. It was blatantly obvious that she was punishing herself harshly for her actions and it was breaking his heart. Going through this ordeal had changed them both so much, he just hoped they could find their way back to how it was before or at least find a future together, despite the past.
He took of his t-shirt and threw it on the floor by his belongings, unbuttoned his jeans and slid them off his legs. Pulling the covers back, he adjusted the pillows before crawling into bed. Sitting propped against the headboard, he watched the bathroom door and waited for her to emerge.
When she stepped out wearing a tank top and sleep shorts with her hair in a ponytail and a freshly scrubbed face, a large smile broke across his face. Seeing his girl, the way he loved her best, made his heart expand. Shyly she went turn off the bright overhead light and settled in next to Rob.
“Come here,” he opened his arms and waited for her to scoot into him. She curled up against his side and drew her knee up against him, throwing her leg over his thigh. Resting her head on his chest she laid her hand flat against his stomach and took a deep breath, inhaling his scent and relishing the feel of him beneath her. His heart beat steady as his hand moved to stoker her back. The floating feeling from her pain pill worked its way through her body, bringing her relief from her physical pain and with it emotional tranquility.
Her breathing started to even and he felt her tight grip on him loosen. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, waiting for her to open her eyes. When only the corners of her lips lifted slightly and she pushed herself further into him, he knew for sure she was asleep. Gently, he scooted and adjusted so that they were lying down. She conformed to him in their new position and drew in a deep breath before expelling it slowly and ending with a barely-there kiss to his chest.
“I’m sorry baby, I love you, please forgive me…”she murmured, almost too softly for him to hear, against his skin as she slept.
He brushed her hair off her forehead and watched as the worry lines disappeared and a sense of peacefulness settled over her before he whispered softly, “I’m trying, Love.”
User: bluangleyes75
Pairing: Rob/Kristen
Rating: PG
Summary: Rob and Kristen take their first steps towards being "fine".
Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't even know them, but a girl can dream. All mistakes are mine...
Chapter 1 l Chapter 2 l Chapter 3 l Chapter 4 l Chapter 5 l Chapter 6 l Chapter 7 l Chapter 8 l Chapter 8 l Chapter 9
Riding in the back of the car listening to Ruth talk incessantly on her cell, Kristen stared out the window and watched the waves of the ocean roll in. Her newly splinted finger felt better now that it was stabilized. The pain medication they stopped to pick up at the pharmacy on their way out of LA was helping with the physical pain, as well as her anxiety. She rested her forehead on the window and blinked slowly, trying to focus on the quickly passing scenery as the driver sped up the highway.
Kristen chanced a quick glance at her and offered a small smile, before turning back to the ocean. She had expected to go back to her parent’s house after her doctor appointment, but they had headed in the opposite direction When she'd been told she wasn't going home, she'd argued briefly, but gave in quickly when she realized she really didn’t have a say in the matter. Due to her lack of presence in her own life for a week, she had forfeited her right to make decisions until further notice. Groaning with the thought that everyone was going to own her ass for god knows how long, she closed her eyes and enjoyed the floating feeling spreading through her, compliments of her pain pill.
****
When the car rolled to a stop, she fought to open her eyes. Ruth reached and grabbed her shoulder, jostling to help her wake up.
“I can’t believe you fell asleep again, this might prove harder than we thought,” she snickered and shook her some more.
Kristen laughed a little at the snide comment and sat up, “Smart ass, it’s the medicine. I’m fine!”
Ruth shrugged and opened the door to step out. Kristen crawled across the back seat and emerged behind her. Seeing that she was at the Malibu house, she relaxed and pushed her sunglasses on top of her head.
“Thank god, you didn’t put me in a fucking hotel. I probably would’ve run away!” She draped her arm around Ruth’s shoulder and gave a quick squeeze to let her know that she was appreciative.
“I figured.” Her friend shrugged and started walking to the front door.
The driver moved to the rear of the SUV to get Kristen’s stuff before following her into the house and setting it down at the base of the stairs. He retreated back to the vehicle, leaving Ruth and Kristen standing just inside the door.
“Look, I’ve gotta go take care of stuff for our trip. Promise me you won’t sleep. I’m going to check up on you and if I even think you’re sleeping, I'll come back and personally kick your ass!” She waggled a finger in Kristen’s face mockingly.
“If you’re so worried then stay with me,” Kristen taunted, “Can’t you take care of stuff from here so I don’t have to be alone?”
“I was planning on it, but I have to go back. I need to finalize everything before we leave for Toronto.” She reached and locked her finger with Kristen’s and shook their hands back and forth.
“Sure, abandon me in my time of need,” Kristen feigned hurt before giving a little laugh, knowing she would be okay, actually relieved that they were trusting she didn’t need a babysitter.
Ruth unhooked their fingers and pointed to the bag on the floor by the door as she spoke, “I packed your iPod and Kindle. Your laptop is in the car, I’ll have them bring it in before we leave. If you need me call and I’ll come back out. Please, Kristen, don’t crawl into bed!” Her eyes searched Kristen’s face pleadingly.
“I’m not tired, Ruth! I'll be fine!” she tried to sound convincing.
“Ok, call me if you need me. Get some sun and for Christ’s sake, eat something fattening, you're way too thin! I might have to call and have them do something about the dress..." Ruth mumbled the last part of her statement as she turned and strode out the door, waving as she went.
Kristen reached to lock the door before turning back and squatting down to unzip her bag and find her Kindle and iPod. She listened to what she thought was the car pulling away before straightening and walking through the house. She checked the fridge and noticed that it had been stocked for her then made her way down to one of the bedrooms with her bag. Setting it on the bed she realized that the driver never brought her computer in. She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and made her way back up the stairs with Ruth’s phone ringing in her ear.
At the top of the stairs she paused, waiting to leave a voicemail message, when she heard a key being slipped into the lock of the front door. Thinking it was someone returning with her laptop, she reached and turned the lock before pulling the door open. She laughed and was about to make a smartass remark when she laid eyes on Rob, hunched over a bit, keys in hand, eyes wide with surprise.
“Rob?” she questioned, her laugh leaving her promptly as the shock of him standing in front of her settled in.
He straightened, opening his arms wide and shrugging.
She opened the door for him and stepped aside, allowing him room to get in the house. He sidestepped her, watching her as he entered. When he was safely inside, she bit her lip and closed the door, relocking it.
He grabbed the strap of her laptop bag, which was slung over his shoulder, and shrugged it off before holding it out to her.
Reaching to take it, she shook her head.
“Ruth forgot it at the house, asked me to pick it up and bring it out to you.” He gave her a crooked smile and shrugged again.
“Oh, thank god for Ruth,” she laughed to relieve her surprise at seeing him in front of her and set the bag down next to the stairs before toeing off her shoes.
He plunged his hands into his pockets and stood studying her. She felt a little uncomfortable with him after everything they’d been through and moved her finger to her mouth to chew on the cuticle. Stepping to her, he removed one hand from his pocket and reached to extract her finger. She let him and tried to set her hand down in front of her, but he kept a grip on it, bringing it closer to his face.
“Is it broken?” He bent to brush his lips across the splinted finger gently.
“Fractured,” she breathed out, watching and feeling his feather-light touch, as butterflies took flight in her stomach.
“I’m sorry, Love,” he spoke and peeked up at her.
“It’s not your fault, Rob, I shouldn’t have hit you,” she drew her hand back from him and crossed her arms across her chest, not knowing how to act with him after he professed that everything was fine between them. She wondered how it could be that easy after everything they’d been through. She didn’t want to resume their old behaviors and make a fool out of herself if he was just telling her that to make her feel better.
“I definitely didn’t help the situation,” he countered, sounding slightly guilty.
“I overreacted,” she threw back, not wanting him to feel responsible for her outburst. She knew how guilt had torn her apart and didn’t want him to have to feel the same pain.
He laughed and took two steps towards her. Her eyes went wide and her heart rate increased before he stopped.
“You okay?” He asked and reached out to rub her arm. Her startle reflex allowed him a brief glimpse into where her head was and it broke his heart to see her so on edge.
“Yeah, I just don’t know what to do here,” she admitted quietly and relaxed with his touch.
“I don’t either, but I needed to see you. I can leave if you’re uncomfortable. I’ve just been so worried, Love,” he reached out his other arm to her.
Hearing him tell her how he felt due to her shutting him out made her feel bad and she dropped her head. He wrapped his arms around her tighter and pulled her gently to him. She moved to his chest and pressed against him, sighing. The feeling of his arms around her sent chills through her from head to toe.
“I’m sorry I freaked everyone out. I didn’t mean to, I just…” she filtered off and uncrossed her arms from between them, reaching to wrap them around his body and fist his shirt in her hands.
“Shhh, don’t be sorry,” he spoke softly and shifted so he could rub his fingers up and down her back. He felt her tension release as she melted into him and relaxed.
“Jesus, Kristen, you are so thin. Have you eaten?” he sounded worried as he traced his fingers over her spine, making his way down to her hips.
She shook her head against him and tried to pull away, but he intensified his hold, not ready to let her go yet. She gave in, knowing she didn’t have the strength to fight him.
“Are you hungry?” he mumbled into the top of her head.
“No,” she laughed trying to cover her embarrassment, “I’m fine. Everyone keeps freaking out and I’m fine.”
“Did you eat?” he asked.
“Yes, Ruth forced me to choke down soup before my appointment and they went through the drive-thru for me after. Is it that bad?” she suddenly felt overly self-conscious.
“Ugh, no, it’s just different,” he tried to cover his worry so not to freak her out. Stepping back from her he removed his hands from her back and reached to cup her cheeks in his hands. Tilting her neck so he could get a good look at her, he searched her face and realized that she looked extremely thin. Worry flashed through his eyes and his forehead drew into a crease, making her feel even more uncomfortable and sent her wiggling away from his grasp.
“Want something to drink?” she asked striding away from him towards the kitchen.
He followed, cursing himself internally for making her feel awkward. When he turned the corner into the kitchen she already had the fridge open and was bending down and peering in to see what she had. He slipped onto a barstool at the counter and waited.
“Beer, tea, soda, water…” she rattled off and waited for an answer from him.
“You need to ask?” he answered and watched her drag out a bottle of beer for him and a bottle of water for herself.
Twisting the cap off, she sat it down on the counter in front of him, “Just trying to be polite,” she said before removing the cap from her water and backing up to lean against the counter and study her feet.
He took a long drink from his beer and set it down, rolling it between his hands. He read the label intently as the silence of the house engulfed them completely. Finally he looked up and stared at her. She could feel his eyes on her and peeked up at him through her hair. He winked and offered her a slight smile, in an effort to put her more at ease.
“I don’t know what to do or say, Rob,” she admitted.
“What do you mean?” he asked confused.
“Everything is just so weird between us and I hate it, but I don’t know what to do to make it better,” she told him, standing straighter and finally looking him directly in the eye.
“No one said this would be easy, but we have to start trying. The past week scared the shit out of me, Kris, and it made me realize that life without you in it just isn’t the same. I know this won’t happen overnight, but we have to try,” he explained passionately, as he searched her face.
Feeling extremely vulnerable with him studying her, she reached and pulled her glasses down on her face to cover her eyes and pushed herself off the counter. Sitting still, he waited for a response. She walked around the counter, stopping to offer him her open hand. Tentatively he entwined their fingers and stood as she pulled on him gently. Grabbing his beer, he followed her back to the entry and up the stairs. They walked, silently, through the living space on the third floor to the patio doors. She set her water down on the table, so she wouldn’t have to let go of him, in order to unlock and open the door. The salty smell of the ocean floated into the house and he inhaled deeply, waiting for her pick up her drink again before moving outside.
He took in the view of the waves rolling as far as he could see and moved behind her. She went directly to a large round lounge and stopped and removed her glasses , leaning to set them and her drink on the side table before straightening and turning towards him. He stretched to set his beer down next to her water and stood back up, his newly free hand searching for hers. He melded their fingers together, conscious of her hurt digit and the splint, before pulling her closer to him and bending to kiss the top of her head.
“Now?” she mumbled against his chest.
“Now?” he pulled away and looked at her, not quite understanding what she was asking of him.
“Can we start now?” she clarified.
He smiled and nodded, unclasping their hands and motioning towards the lounge, signaling for her to get comfortable. She crawled into the middle of it and waited on her bent knees for him to follow. He toed off his shoes and crawled to meet her, bending to brush his lips against hers, before settling with his back against the wall of pillows and spreading his legs open, giving her room to crawl between them and rest her back against his chest. She scooted and wiggled into her favorite spot, fusing herself to him. He adjusted his legs and scooted down a little until her body was situated and formed perfectly against his. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him tighter before they both relaxed into one another and stared out across the ocean.
The salty breeze blew across the deck and played with their hair. Kristen sighed and reveled in the moment, slowly stroking her fingertips over his fingers. His thumb rubbed small circles against the inside of her wrist and he bent to rest his chin on the top of her head, closing his eyes, savoring the peace of the moment. For the first time in weeks, they were together in a way that was comfortable and reminiscent of happier times. There was no rush and no pressure. It was just Rob and Kristen.
“What do we do? Where to we start?” She rattled and tensed slightly in his arms.
He increased his striations against her wrist until she calmed down again before he spoke, “There are no rules, Love.”
“I know, but I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. I am so afraid of hurting you and making things worse. It’s like I’m afraid to say anything at all,” she admitted and stretched her neck to the side and turned her eyes so she could see him.
He looked at her for a brief moment before answering, “You can’t be afraid to talk; if we don’t talk then nothing will change. Everything isn’t going to be perfect from here on out. We’re going to piss each other off and shit might get rough, but if we don’t work through it then nothing will get better.”
She turned in his arms again, back to the rolling ocean and took in a deep breath. “You start; just say something, because I don’t even know what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is to tell you I’m sorry, but I’ve said that and I…” she stopped and waited for him.
“I know you’re sorry,” he uttered.
“See, that’s what I mean. I just have this need to apologize to you over and over again, but I know that it’s not what you need and I don’t know what else to say,” she nodded her head and clasped her hands over his tightly.
“Would you change it if you could,” he asked sincerely.
She nodded her head vigorously against his chest and answered, “You have no idea how much I wish I could.”
“Will you do it again?” He asked directly.
“No, I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you again,” she rushed and tried to turn in his arms to show him how serious she was.
“It was intentional?” He questioned and held her against him tightly.
She could only shake her head for a minute before he heard her small voice, “Shit, that’s what I mean…I can’t say anything right.”
He chuckled a little and kissed the top of her head, “I know what you meant.”
“Ugh, Babe,” she whined and tipped her head again, trying to catch his eyes with her own.
“We have to relax, we need to just be us and deal with it as it comes. We can’t force anything and I think that’s what we’ve been doing. We need to commit to just being together and seeing what happens. Fighting to stay apart and pushing everything aside hasn’t helped, so we need to try it another way,” he explained to her as his eyes moved across her face, trying to judge her reaction.
“Okay,” she smiled and stretched up to brush her lips against his, the need to reconnect with him giving her confidence. She could feel him smile against her mouth as her eyes fluttered closed. The corners of her mouth lifted as well before he nipped at her bottom lip and pulled back slowly. She twisted a little and turned to put herself at a better angle. He drew his hands up her body and dug his fingers into her hair at her temples, swiping it away from her face and tipping her head, so he could lean down and kiss her properly.
Her toes curled as she walked her fingers up his chest and around his neck, pulling him closer and opening herself to him. The taste of him intoxicated her senses and left her lightheaded as he worked his mouth over hers; stealing her oxygen and making her realize how much she missed him. Not feeling close enough to him she twisted more and rose to her knees, scooting against him until her breasts where pressed to his chest. Being above him because of her position on her knees, she was able to bend over him and fist his hair in her hands. She pulled back for a brief second to gauge his reaction before diving back in, swiping her tongue across his bottom lip and nipping at his upper lip then deepening their kiss. His hands left her hair and trailed down her body until they wrapped around her waist and cascaded over her hips. He kneaded and groaned before pulling her against him closer, eliciting a deep moan from her. Her heart threatened to beat out of her chest and she felt herself losing control, needing him more than she ever had before.
Afraid that they were going too fast and terrified that he would reject her again, like he had not long ago, she pulled herself together listened to her voice of reason. Loosening her hold on his neck, she pulled back and sat on the heels of her feet, the movement naturally taking her away from Rob and breaking their kiss. His eyes fluttered open slowly and she could feel his hands move against her hips. She gave him a lazy smile and drew her bottom lip between her teeth.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered.
She rolled off her knees and stretched one leg out, adjusting to throw it across his. She felt so far away from him, but she needed the space to collect her thoughts and catch her breath. His hands slid off her body as she moved and he placed them between his spread legs momentarily before she grabbed them up in her own once again.
“I was dead serious when I said I would do anything to make this work, Babe,” she started quietly, playing with his fingers as she spoke. “I want you to know that I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you and do whatever it takes to prove that to you.” She peeked up at him briefly before dropping her gaze back to their hands.
“Really, Anything?” he smiled and ran his hands up her arms, wrapping her up and tugging her against him again, the distance and the sight of her torturing herself was too much for him to bear.
“Mm, hm,” she nodded, nuzzling into him, resting her ear on his chest, right above where his heart was beating.
“If I said throw it all away, run away with me, marry me, and have my baby?” he tested her, expecting her to tense or squirm in his arms.
“I’d say, let’s do it!” she answered without giving it a second thought and peeking up at him through her lashes.
Surprised that she didn’t fight him at all on any detail, he drew his neck back to get a better look at her. She mimicked his movement until they were looking at one another eye to eye.
“Seriously?” he asked, shocked.
“Why not? I know what I want. I want you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I would suggest we work through some stuff first, but if you really want that, then let’s do it,” she smiled and raised her fingers to smooth the lines at the corner of his eye.
“Just you and me and a couple of kids, living anonymously off the grid somewhere,” he clarified, to make sure she understood what he was asking.
“As long as I have you, that’s all that matters. I was serious when I said I didn’t care about all of that if I don’t have you. You just have to be the one to tell Ruth. That’s my only condition,” she chuckled.
“Umm, okay then, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen,” he whispered jokingly and closed his eyes, content with her answer.
“I really would, Rob…I Love You!” She murmured.
“I believe you, Love, I really do! I love you too!”
She turned her eyes down and rested on his chest again, his hands moving to caress her back, soothing her as they settled back into a comfortable silence. The waves lapped at the shore below and the sun started to disappear from the sky as they sat with one another. She felt less intimidated without conversation and without having to look at him she started to feel more comfortable. Feeling him breathing behind her, the weight of his arms around her, and the scent of him enveloping her allowed her to feel normal again, as if she were finally back home.
The sky changed from pinkish orange to dark blue. The sun was replaced with the moon and clouds with stars as the two of them sat physically wrapped up as one. Their hands slowly explored and caressed as they reacquainted themselves slowly and quietly. Every now and then one of them would place a chaste gentle kiss on the other. Touching, but not talking, they sat together, lost in their own thoughts, yet so completely tied together in their experiences, their worries for the future, and their love for one another.
****
When the sun fell completely out of the sky and the breeze coming off the water caused her to shiver and pull herself into him closer, he finally spoke.
“Want to go inside love?” he asked, kissing the top of her head and adjusting so she could move.
“No, I want to stay like this forever,” she whispered and nuzzled against him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he gave her a gentle squeeze.
“I am,” she whined.
“It’s not forever, you’ll be back and we can pick up where we leave off. It’s just Toronto,” he coaxed her.
“I’m scared to face everything. I don’t want to go, come with me?” She cried.
“I have the VMA’s, Love,” he brushed his chin across the top of her head.
“I’d rather do that,” she sat up and stretched a little, shaking as the breeze assaulted her without the warmth of Rob to counteract its effects.
“Whatever,” he chuckled and started to move the kinks out of his body that had settled while they had sat over the extended period of time.
“I would, I’m terrified to do the press line. I can’t imagine what they’re going to ask,” she crawled off the lounge and grabbed her water and glasses, flinching as the pain in her finger reared its ugly head again.
“They won’t be allowed to ask anything personal,” he assured her as he scooted to the edge of their seat and hoisted himself up. He stretched next to her, his shirt lifting and exposing a sliver of skin above his low-slung jeans, causing her to stare and smile like a cat that ate a canary. He caught her watching him and smiled back before bending to place a kiss on her splinted finger. “Want another pain pill?”
She nodded and walked into the house. He stopped to close and lock the door to the balcony before making his way down the stairs to the main level of the house. She dumped her room-temperature water into the sink and tossed the bottle into the recycling bin before holding out her hand for his beer bottle. He passed it to her and watched as she followed the same routine before crossing to the fridge and taking out a fresh beer for him and cold water for herself. He smiled at how easy it was for her to fall back into their normal routine when she wasn’t thinking too hard.
“Where are your pills, Kris?” he asked and looked around for her things.
“They’re downstairs in my bag, I’ll get them when I go to bed,” she shrugged as her easiness with him faded away abruptly. He could see her brow furrow as if she were thinking too hard.
“Oh, ok…You tired?” he asked sensing that she was starting to pull away.
“Not really…” she mumbled and started fidgeting her toes on her left foot against her toes on her right foot.
“Don’t shut down Kristen, I’m right here,” he cooed, bringing her back and making her look at him. “What are you thinking?”
“I, ugh, I really don’t want you to go. I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted, running her finger over the condensation gathering on the outside of her water bottle.
“I don’t want to go,” he set his beer down and crossed the kitchen to meet her. Grabbing her water and setting it down as well, he engulfed her in his arms and rocked her gently. She relaxed again and felt emotions roll from her belly into her chest, bringing with them tears, that she couldn’t place as being either happy or sad.
Trying hard to keep it together and lighten the heaviness she felt taking over, she made a wise crack, “Take me to bed or lose me forever?”
He shook around her with a small laugh at her choice of movie quote and released her. “I have to go get my stuff, okay?”
“I’m gonna head down, meet me there?” She turned and walked from the kitchen to the stairs again and disappeared. He couldn’t help but think she looked like a scared kitten, scampering off to hide.
He hurried to grab his bag and rushed back into the house. He made it to the bedroom, but stopped in the doorway when he spotted her sitting on the edge of the bed with her head cradled in her hands. Her legs bounced and he could see how tightly her hair was fisted in her grip. She looked so fragile to him. His fierce and independent girl seemed to have been replaced by a small vulnerable waif; a shell of the woman he had shared so much of his life with. His stomach flip-flopped and the urge to rescue her and take away all of her pain overwhelmed him.
She sensed him and lifted her head, offering a weak smile. He gave her one back and stepped into the room, holding up his bag to show her that he was ready to stay. Her smile strengthened and she stood, turning to unzip her bag and extract her bottle of pills. As he crossed to his side of the bed, he witnessed her take a pill out and wash it down with her water. She froze and waited to see what he was going to do.
Sensing her apprehension, he set his bag down and offered, “I can sleep in another room, if you want.”
She cringed a little, the thought of him not being right next to her, almost too painful to bear. She wrapped her arms around herself and forced herself to find the strength and the words to tell him what she wanted, “No, I want you to sleep here, with me… if you want to?”
“I don’t wanna be anywhere else,” he reassured her and dropped his bag on the bed.
She smiled and walked across the room to the bathroom, stepping in and shutting the door as he looked on.
When he was alone in the room, he sighed deeply and ran his hands through his hair. Clasping his fingers together behind his head, he bent it and rolled his neck to loosen his tension. He so desperately wanted everything between them to be easy, but it felt so strained. She was walking on egg-shells and he didn’t know what to do to make it better for her. Seeing her struggling with herself was tearing at him, but he didn’t want to force her or make her more uncomfortable by pushing her. He could see the guilt from her mistake hanging off her and weighing her down. She carried her pain in every movement and every look she gave. It was blatantly obvious that she was punishing herself harshly for her actions and it was breaking his heart. Going through this ordeal had changed them both so much, he just hoped they could find their way back to how it was before or at least find a future together, despite the past.
He took of his t-shirt and threw it on the floor by his belongings, unbuttoned his jeans and slid them off his legs. Pulling the covers back, he adjusted the pillows before crawling into bed. Sitting propped against the headboard, he watched the bathroom door and waited for her to emerge.
When she stepped out wearing a tank top and sleep shorts with her hair in a ponytail and a freshly scrubbed face, a large smile broke across his face. Seeing his girl, the way he loved her best, made his heart expand. Shyly she went turn off the bright overhead light and settled in next to Rob.
“Come here,” he opened his arms and waited for her to scoot into him. She curled up against his side and drew her knee up against him, throwing her leg over his thigh. Resting her head on his chest she laid her hand flat against his stomach and took a deep breath, inhaling his scent and relishing the feel of him beneath her. His heart beat steady as his hand moved to stoker her back. The floating feeling from her pain pill worked its way through her body, bringing her relief from her physical pain and with it emotional tranquility.
Her breathing started to even and he felt her tight grip on him loosen. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, waiting for her to open her eyes. When only the corners of her lips lifted slightly and she pushed herself further into him, he knew for sure she was asleep. Gently, he scooted and adjusted so that they were lying down. She conformed to him in their new position and drew in a deep breath before expelling it slowly and ending with a barely-there kiss to his chest.
“I’m sorry baby, I love you, please forgive me…”she murmured, almost too softly for him to hear, against his skin as she slept.
He brushed her hair off her forehead and watched as the worry lines disappeared and a sense of peacefulness settled over her before he whispered softly, “I’m trying, Love.”