Guilty Heart-Chapter 8 (Delivered Confession)
Title: Guilty Heart- Chapter 8 (Delivered Confession)
User: bluangleyes75
Pairing: Rob/Kristen
Rating: PG
Summary/Notes: An unexpected phone call confession to Kristen. (Some of you asked for something along these lines. Not sure if I can believe this happened, but I went with it)
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, don’t know them, but a girl can dream. All mistakes are mine!
The breeze danced across her face, blowing the ends of her pony tail against the nape of her neck. Sitting at the table on her back porch, she stared across the yard. Inhaling in, she relished the fresh air. She was doing better, but nowhere close to her goal because Rob wasn’t with her, but she was starting to feel a little more content. Her thoughts constantly went to him, but they no longer brought tears with every reflection. She was trying to eat and she had been sleeping on a more regular schedule instead of incessantly.
She had started looking for somewhere to live, knowing that she couldn’t wait for him for forever, nor could she be dependent on him, if he came back. She was an adult, all be it a young one, but it was time for her to move on. She had pretty much been on her own since she was young anyway and being at her parent’s house was starting to wear on her nerves. They had their own problems and having to deal with her mess of a life while also hearing about theirs was driving her to the brink.
She drew her knees up to her chest before leaning to rest her cheek on them. Folding into herself she closed her eyes, trying to clear her overactive mind and just enjoy the serenity of the moment. No one was home, Bear was with Rob, and the weather was perfect. Feeling more comfortable than she had in a while she stilled, just wanting to be Kristen for a few minutes…Not anyone’s girlfriend, daughter, or friend…Not an actress…and definitely not the cheater or the home wrecker she had been labeled. As she breathed in and out, she leaned back in the chair and relaxed, sighing as some of the tension she was carrying in her shoulders left and a small amount of peacefulness, she hadn’t felt in weeks, settled in her bones.
The phone on the table next to the ashtray rang with her generic tone, alerting her that someone she didn’t know was calling. She picked her head up and stared at the screen, debating if she should just let it go to voicemail. Her curiosity got the best of her though and she reached to touch the screen before the ring stopped. She dropped her legs from the chair and bent her head towards the phone as her hand brought it to her ear.
“Hello?” She questioned.
“Kristen?” a slightly familiar, but not quite placeable female voice greeted her without much confidence.
She panicked for a minute, hoping that some crazy fan of Rob’s hadn’t gotten a hold of her number before she answered, “No, sorry you must have the wrong number.”
Usually she’d hang up and let the caller ring back and leave her a voicemail identifying themselves, but something kept her on the line waiting for a response.
“Ugh…I…I…Kristen, it’s Li..Lib…Liberty,” the voice stumbled and faltered.
Her heart seized before jumping back to life in double time. Thoughts she had expelled came rushing back, overrunning her brain and stealing her ability to speak. Her leg immediately started to bounce and her hands trembled as she reached for her pack of cigarettes, fumbling to shake one out.
“Kristen?” the woman asked again.
“Yes, Liberty, it’s me…” she answered, barely audible, before she shoved the smoke between her lips and brought the lighter to it with her incredibly unsteady hand. She drew in a lungful of smoke before dropping the lighter and placing the cigarette in the ashtray with her shaking hand.
“Sorry to bother you, do you have a minute?”
She wanted to vomit! Why would she be speaking so nicely to her? How could she be calling and acting so sweet? Maybe this was the calm before the storm…Maybe it was time to pay the piper. Her hand immediately went to her hair, fisting it and holding on tight before formulating an answer, “Yeah, sure.”
She glanced at the cigarette burning in the ashtray and couldn’t decide if she wanted to keep hold on her hair or let go and bring the smoke to her mouth. Both were horrible nervous habits of hers and she had enough nerves surging through her to do both at the same time, but she was holding the phone to her ear, hindering her ability. She yanked her hand from her head and reached for the cigarette. Abruptly she stood and started to pace around the deck of the pool.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, if this isn’t a good time…” the woman’s voice trailed off.
What the fuck, she thought to herself. What was she supposed to say to that? Yeah, sorry I got caught screwing around with your husband, but I don’t want to talk about it right now, let me call you back if the urge strikes me?
“You’re fine, I…I…ugh,” she fought to find words to convey anything to the woman she had betrayed, tears popping to her eyes at the overwhelming guilt she felt hearing Liberty’s voice coming across the phone.
“Kristen, take a deep breath and listen to me,” she said in a motherly manner, causing Kristen to fall to pieces a little more and stop pacing.
“I’m so sorry, I am so very sorry…” she cried, her head bowed with the feelings of remorse that washed over her, “I can’t even tell you how sorry I am…Oh my god.”
“Shh, listen to me. I don’t expect you to apologize. I need to tell you something…Just listen,” the wife on the line, who should be screaming at her, spoke with compassion.
“Ahh, O…Ok,” she stuttered and made her way back to her seat, fearful that she would collapse if she kept trying to move. She was shocked, scared, and confused as all hell. She slipped into the chair and leaned forward, drawing in deep breaths and trying to blow them out slowly so she wouldn’t pass out.
“I have to tell you something, I can’t keep it in anymore. It’s killing me,” Liberty confessed quietly.
Kristen jerked her head up and searched the back of the house, willing someone to be there for her because she wasn’t sure she could get through this conversation without someone holding her hand. She knew it was coming…the rage, the name calling, the assault. The battle she couldn’t fight because she had been so wrong and there was absolutely no way to defend her actions. She deserved everything this woman was going to hurl at her, but she knew it was going to hurt and she was in no way prepared for it.
She wished she had let the phone to go to voicemail, then Liberty could have left a nasty voicemail and she could have readied herself before returning the call. She was struggling to get air in and stay upright, the edges of her vision starting to get fuzzy as she pondered crazy racing thoughts. Trembling too much to bring the cigarette to the ashtray, she dropped it on the pavement at her feet and grabbed her thigh, waiting for whatever was about to happen.
“He set you up Kristen. He knew there was someone there taking pictures,” Liberty’s voice barely registered through the haze of her growing panic attack.
With the woman’s confession, it was as if wheels in her head had come to a grinding halt and all of the worries that had been inundating her ceased immediately. She froze, Goosebumps spread across her skin, and an intense buzzing started in her ears
“What?” Kristen breathed and squeezed her eyes shut, not trusting that she’d heard right.
“He set you up. He was the one to call the tabloid and tell them that you were cheating and that they should keep an eye out. It was him,” the voice repeated and clarified for her.
Her eyes went wide as she squeezed her leg tighter; hoping the bite of her fingers on her flesh would snap her back to reality because everything around her was quickly falling away. Her vision blurred, her balance felt off kilter, overwhelming nausea washed through her in waves. “What? Why?” Kristen fought to keep her questions down to two for the time being, even though her mind had kicked into overdrive and was filled with endless things she wanted to know, things she couldn’t ask.
“Ugh, he used you! No publicity is bad publicity, he always says,” Liberty mumbled, sounding disgruntled, though Kristen couldn’t place whether her words were directed at her or at what her husband had done.
“But…I…” she stopped and let out a long and shaky breath before clearing her throat and continuing, “What the fuck?”
“Kristen, listen, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, other than I am sorry for you, for having to go through all of this…” the voice sounded apologetic.
She drug her hand into her hair and again and shuddered. What was she supposed to say? Set up or not, she’d still been wrong, she’d still acted on impulses that she shouldn’t have. She thought back to that day and wished that she had just quashed his advances, that she’d been strong enough to do the right thing, but she wasn’t and even though he set her up, she was still to blame in some manner. It almost hurt more to think that she had given into him and it was nothing but a lie. To have him pursue her only for pictures and a cover story, to realize that she had ruined everything she had with Rob for just that, made her physically sick.
“I still did it, I still fucking let him do it…” she cried into the phone and folded herself in half, the pain in her stomach too much for her to bear.
“You did, but don’t think he would have given up until he got what he wanted. He knew what he was doing,” Liberty spoke directly.
Kristen let out a huge sigh and bounced her leg furiously. Anger swelling and colliding with guilt, making it hard to think, breathe, or function at all. The weight of Liberty’s words were crushing her, heart and soul. For nothing, she had thrown everything away for absolutely nothing. She had been duped and she fell for it, fell further than she ever thought possible.
“Kristen?” the voice questioned through the phone.
“Yeah,” she cried as the tears finally broke free and streamed down her face.
“I’m sorry; I just wanted you to know.” Liberty spoke softly, soothingly, trying to help.
“Why?” Kristen questioned, sitting upright and raising her hand to her cheeks, wiping tears away to make room for the next round.
“Excuse me?” Liberty asked, not understanding exactly the why Kristen was looking for.
“Why did you want me to know?” she sniffled.
“I just think you’re taking the brunt of this and I feel bad for you. I have to admit, at first I was pissed. I wanted to rip your fucking head off…” she stated, causing Kristen to cry out again. “But, the more he and I talked about what happened, the more I sensed something wasn’t right. He finally broke down and told me what he’d done. I have been sitting with this for a while now and I keep hoping that everything will blow over, but it’s not and I feel like you need to know the truth.”
Kristen’s cries increased as she cradled her head in her hand. She couldn’t formulate words to express how she was feeling. She didn’t know what to say to the wife of the man whom she’d had inappropriate relations with, even if he had set it up. She was angry and grateful, but in no position to express either emotion to the woman on the line with her.
As her cries weakened, the silence between her and Liberty stretched to an uncomfortable length, but neither woman knew what to say. Kristen was at a loss. She fought the urge to just hang up the phone, but she didn’t want to seem ungrateful. She desperately wanted to ask what was going to happen with their marriage, but she figured it was none of her business and probably wouldn’t be privy to the answer, even if she asked. She wanted to apologize profusely, but had tried that already and had been turned down. She decided on a simple thank you and a pause to see if there was anything else Liberty would add to their conversation.
“Thank you,” she sniffled and waited, biting on the inside of her cheek to keep from breaking down again.
“Sure, listen, don’t tear yourself up. I’ve heard things and I don’t want you to kill yourself over this. You’re young, it’ll all work out,” Liberty nearly whispered, “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but life will go on.”
Kristen cringed at her words, she knew that she was just trying to be kind and help her feel better, but at this point the only thing that was going to make it better was Rob and he was still pulling away. Not even armed with new information from the asshole’s wife did Kristen think it would make a damn bit of difference.
“Okay?” The voice questioned in her ear.
“Okay, but Liberty?” Kristen questioned back. “Can I ask you for a favor?”
Her request was met with silence.
“Just please tell your husband to go fuck himself! I’d really appreciate it!” Kristen asked kindly into the phone, not wanting to take her anger out on the wrong person.
She was answered with a laugh, deep and strong, causing her to smile a little.
“Take care Kristen, you’ll get through this, I’m so sorry,” Liberty offered before Kristen heard the line go dead.
She threw the phone on the table as if it were burning her hand and collapsed onto the table, folding her arms before dropping her head on top of them.
“Breathe, Kristen, Breathe,” she mumbled to herself as her chest heaved and her body shook.
“That fucking slimy, son of a bitch,” she murmured as she rolled her head back and forth across her arms.
Under the table, her feet were bent painfully onto her toes, allowing her legs to jounce at will. She was twitchy and restless, but she didn’t know what to do. She was still afraid to move, she didn’t feel steady, but she couldn’t sit still, she was too angry. She wondered how she could have been so oblivious, so stupid and so gullible. How could she let someone take advantage of her and fall for it? She felt worse now than she had previously and she hated him more now than she thought possible.
She reached her hand out from where it was perched and patted around on the table for her phone. She needed to talk to someone before she exploded. She needed someone to process with before she did something stupid and got herself into more trouble. She was itching to text or call the prick and let him have a piece of her mind, but she knew it wouldn’t do any good and could possibly get her in deeper than she already was. She didn’t trust herself to not say something or make a threat and if he were media hungry enough to feed her to the wolves once, she was sure he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.
Her fingers crawled across the table, tapping to find the phone she had thrown down. She didn’t have the energy to look up, deciding to focus on her breathing so she could get it under control and be able to talk once she found the cell. She stopped her search several times in favor of taking in a breath and counting to ten before letting it out and resuming with her creeping fingers. When her fingertips met the device she picked her head up and rested her chin on her arm, staring at the phone that she was holding an arm’s length away from her face.
Entering the code to unlock it, she went to her contacts. She scrolled through her list of friends and family, looking for someone to call who would be available to talk. She passed multiple names, filing them into categories as she went. Some were passed up because they were working, some because they were Rob’s friends, some she didn’t want to talk to, and others probably didn’t want to talk to her.
When she got half way through the alphabet, she started to feel desperation set in. She was losing hope that she would be able to share with anyone what she’d just heard, when she found herself staring at his number on her phone. She wanted to tell him, though she was sure it probably wouldn’t do any good. Lifting her head and sitting up in her chair she reached and lit a cigarette before hitting the call contact icon on the phone. She practically held her breath as the phone rang, not sure exactly what she was going to say or if he was really the one she should be saying it to. Just when she thought his voicemail was going to pick up, she was greeted by his live voice.
“Hello?” he answered, sounding much more chipper than she expected.
“Rob, are you busy?” she asked, not wanting to just launch into her tirade about the call with Liberty if he was busy with something else. Not wanting to burden him or push him away, she was trying to be considerate.
“Kind of, I’m at the house. I am going through stuff and packing up. You okay?” He sounded distracted.
“Oh, uh, yeah, I’m okay. I just wanted to talk to you, but if you’re busy, it can wait,” she said, disappointment rolling off her tongue.
“Ugh, shit…” he snapped and then mumbled something she couldn’t quite make out to someone at the house, as if he were covering the mouthpiece of his phone. She sat silent and tried to decipher what might be going on. She brought her cigarette to her lips and looked around the yard, trying to distract herself. She wanted to ask what was happening, but it was none of her business, so she remained silent.
“Kristen, can I call you back?” he sounded in her ear.
“Yeah sure, sorry to bother you,” she apologized quietly, defeat and sadness settling in as she realized that she wasn’t his number one priority anymore.
“K, I’ll talk to you later,” he rushed before hanging up abruptly.
Once again she was alone in the yard, but the peacefulness she had felt earlier, before Liberty’s phone call, was too far out of reach. The time she had with the feeling was fleeting at best and had only left her more uneasy, knowing that she had been just on the verge of having it again, only to have it stolen from right under her nose. She ground the unfinished cigarette into the ashtray and hoisted herself out of the chair, making her way to the house.
Suddenly exhausted again, she just wanted to lie down and sleep. There was nothing she could do with the information she’d been given and it left her feeling frazzled and debilitated. Stepping into the house, she locked the door and shuffled off to her bed, collapsing and pulling the blankets up around her. Wanting to cry, but not having anything left inside of her to purge, she fell into a restless sleep, hoping that Rob would call her back soon.
****
His hot, sticky breaths on her neck and the feel of his arms wrapped around her too tightly drove her into a complete panic. Struggling to push him away, she strained against the covers and cried out. Sitting up and throwing the blankets off, her wild eyes searched her surroundings, only calming slightly when she realized that she was safe in her room. Wiping the beads of sweat from her forehead she shivered as adrenaline surged through her body, causing her heart to beat violently in her chest. Grabbing at her blankets she drew them against her with unsteady hands and reached to turn on a light. Nuzzling back into her bed she reached out and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, trying to wake up and calm herself.
Glancing at the clock, she remembered that Rob had told her he’d call her back. Feeling as if she needed him more than ever, she grabbed the phone and checked for missed calls. The phone was void of any new information. Burrowing into her bed further, she searched out his contact and hit the call button. She chewed on her nail, tears threatening to break free, as she listened to the phone ring and then his outgoing message greet her.
“Ugh, Hi, it’s me…I, ugh, call me back please. It’s kinda important…K, talk to you later,” she stammered into the phone before hitting the end button and dropping her hand.
She stopped fighting the tears and rolled her face into her pillow, letting them fall freely. Her frustration and hysteria brought on by her dream getting the best of her as she broke down. Clinging to the pillow and rocking gently, she gave into every emotion she had been holding in and trying to keep at bay. For every step she had taken forward in the past few weeks, by keeping her emotions in check and trying to be strong, she took three back. Sobs racked her frail body as she shook and expelled everything she had been holding in. Every fear, every sadness, every frustration, and every piece of anger she had walled off and held inside of her, she let loose.
When the pillow was soaked and she was limp from exhaustion, after the tears had run their course, she laid there unmoving and just stared at the clock. The digital numbers changed one by one, minutes turning into a new hour as she watched; every minute feeling like an hour, the whole hour feeling like an eternity. Her only movements were her eyes blinking every so often. She was physically there, lying in her bed, but she felt miles away, detached and completely removed from herself. When the numbers changed from 10:59 to 11:00 she closed her eyes, drew in a deep breath and rolled onto her back, dragging her feet to rest flat on the mattress and bending her knees, she stretched.
Once some of the tightness of her muscles was relieved she pushed herself up to a sitting position and brushed the hair out of her face before wiping the residual tears from her eyes and her cheeks. She reached for the phone, tangled in the covers and checked to see if anything new had come in. There was nothing, but she was tired of waiting for him to call. Weighing the pros and cons quickly, she decided to text him, hoping that hearing from her again would prompt him to call her back.
Hey, I really want to talk to you. Not sure if you got my voicemail. Call me please. -K
Gripping the phone, she climbed from her bed and made her way to the bathroom. She perched the phone on the counter and turned on the hot water, waiting for the bathroom to fill with steam before shedding her clothes and stepping under the spray. She scrubbed away feelings of his hands on her, shampooed and conditioned her hair, and shaved her legs meticulously before resting her hands on the shower wall and letting the water beat on her tense shoulders and back until the water began to cool.
After drying herself and wrapping a towel around her, she wiped away the condensation on the mirror and leaned in to take a good look at herself. Her eyes were swollen and her cheeks were splotchy. The person staring back at her from the reflective glass was almost unrecognizable. She looked thinner and tired. Diverting her eyes from her own gaze, she reached for her facial cleanser and went through her nightly routine of scrubbing and moisturizing, brushing her teeth, and combing the tangles out of her hair before exiting the bathroom in search of clothes. As she was walking out the door, she stopped and turned to reach for her still silent phone.
She padded over to her dresser and plucked out a pair of cotton briefs before making her way to her closet and drawing out one of Rob’s oversized shirts. Pulling it over her head she paused to sniff the material, hoping that his smell would still be present to comfort her. It wasn’t overwhelming, but if she closed her eyes and thought really hard, she could sense him. That had to be enough, but she wasn’t completely satisfied. Dragging herself back to the bed, she toppled back into it and swiped at the screen on her phone again, bringing up his name.
Please Rob, I really need to talk to you -K
She dropped the phone and rolled to her stomach, gathering her pillow under her face and turning towards the clock again. Exhausted, but overwhelmed she resumed her time keeping again, watching the digital numbers change ever so slowly minute by minute. Every once in a while a thought would come to her, but she would push it away, much preferring to be numb than to have to deal with anything.
When the clock finally read 12:30 and she still hadn’t heard from him, she decided to try and call one more time. She dialed and waited, praying he would answer, but once again she got his message. Instead of leaving another voicemail she hung up and growled. Her skin was crawling and she felt as if the walls were closing in on her. Her room was growing smaller by the minute and she felt as if it would crush her if she stayed there any longer. Getting to her feet, she made her way back to the closet and extracted a pair of shorts and tennis shoes. She slipped them on before making her way to her bedroom door.
She relocated to the backyard again, but even being out of the house didn’t make her feel any better. Spending so much time in the same spaces for weeks was driving her crazy. She wanted to get out, to do something, to feel normal. The fear that had kept her locked away from everything suddenly seemed small compared to her desire to get out. When being in the open air outside of her family home did nothing to alleviate the feeling of being trapped and suffocating, she decided to get her keys and take a drive. She was desperate to clear her head, stop worrying about Rob not calling her back, and she needed to find a way to come to terms with the unexpected phone call and newfound information she’d been given.