Holey Cows!
Heather's Acceptance Speech for the Best Derivative Sitcom Screenplay Oscar:
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest pool parties, I never would have imagined that this could ever liberate me from dinner theatre. And to the other super-amazing nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and think about how unaesthetic my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly.
You know, there are so many ass-kissing two-faced harpies to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Gilgamesh, for being such a powerful force in my ass. And to the People Under the Stairs, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest pool parties, I never would have imagined that this could ever liberate me from dinner theatre. And to the other super-amazing nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and think about how unaesthetic my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly.
You know, there are so many ass-kissing two-faced harpies to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Gilgamesh, for being such a powerful force in my ass. And to the People Under the Stairs, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!