Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction - "Our Love Song" (G to R)
Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes and all the grand high mucky mucks of Disney/ABC, I'm just playing with the characters for a little bit. I'll return them mostly unharmed, promise. No copyright infringement is intended and no money was made from this. Any similarity to any other story not my own is coincidence.
Title: Our Love Song (Ten Song Meme)
Rating: G through R; each section is rated
Timeline: Whole Series; each section is noted
Genre: Meredith/Derek; meme
Author's Notes: This is meant to be a response to the ubiquitous ten song meme (writing a piece for each song that randomly plays) therefore each little story takes its title from a song. It should be noted that while I did take my inspiration from the songs, the story may or may not directly relate to the song(in other words, I just went with the flow and wrote what the muse gave me *grin*)
Our Love Song
~Ten Song Meme~
1. Guess it May (G)
(far future)
I sit down next to her carefully, a cup of coffee in one hand, and a glass of juice in the other. I'm not sure what kind of day it is for her; so coffee, if she's that young intern I've recently fallen in love with, or juice, if she's the new mother that's just given birth to our son.
She accepts the juice from me with a smile. I smile back and drink the coffee myself.
“Thank you,” she murmurs, sipping the juice carefully. She grimaces a little at the taste before sighing. “I miss coffee,” she says almost wistfully.
“Soon,” I reassure her, just as I did then, comforting her with the knowledge that as soon as our son stopped nursing she could go back to the jittery addiction that seemed to be a part of every Seattle native's genetic code.
“Soon,” she echoes with another soft sigh before brushing back some lightly graying curls that have escaped their elastic prison.
I reach out a hand to help her and she smiles fondly at me before tightening her beautifully messy ponytail.
“Hey... um...”
I turn to look at the tall boy hovering almost nervously nearby. It always makes George a little uncomfortable to see his mother this way, her memories and her personality wandering freely through her own sense of time.
“I'm sorry... I just... I mean I can't be late for my first day of Rounds,” he offers helplessly, his eyes darting to and from his mother as he speaks.
Meredith looks over to him casually, clearing not recognizing her son in the shape of this handsome young man with the intensely bright eyes.
“A new intern?”
“A new intern,” I confirm. “It's his first day at Seattle Grace. His mother is my friend, so I told her I'd look out for him.”
She eyes him carefully before smiling in a friendly sort of fashion. “It's rough, that first day,” she tells him. “But you'll make it,” she adds with assurance.
“I... I want to,” he replies. “I want to make my mom proud.”
“I'm sure she already is...”
“George,” he supplies into her attentive pause.
Meredith smiles almost softly. I'm sure she's very proud of you, George.” She turns her focus back to me.
“Look out for, George, Derek.”
“I will,” I assure her, slipping a small post-it note into her hand as I rise to leave. I have a generous supply of them for just this moment everyday.
Meredith reads it, giving me one of the brilliant smiles that I know she saves only for me. I carry the warmth of that smile with me as I kiss her goodbye and leave to take our son to Seattle Grace for his first day as a surgeon...
2. Make Love to Me Forever (G)
(far future)
Meredith knelt carefully next to the simple gravestone that marked her husband's grave. For a moment, she let her fingertips trace the carved name etched so lovingly into the cool granite before trailing them lightly over the unexpected image of a rainbow trout leaping free of the water.
She smiled.
Finally, her delicate surgeon's hands shadowed the epitaph... He was loved...
Then, just underneath the words, Meredith pasted the small blue post-it with its carefully scrawled message... this is forever.
3. Starting to Show (PG)
(season 6 and on)
“Okay Meredith, I'm here, open the door.”
Christina set her hand on her cocked hip and stared at the silently closed door of the locker room bathroom.
“Open the door, Meredith.”
“Is there anyone else with you?” Came the muffled response through the wood. “You didn't say anything to anyone else did you?”
“Did I...” she muttered. “Would you just open the damn door, Meredith?”
Christina heard the small pop of the lock being turned and the door opened a crack. She pushed it open to see Meredith pacing the floor. She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her.
“Okay, so what's going on?”
Meredith suddenly turned and held a little white stick up, facing the small window toward her friend so that she could see the simple blue plus symbol.
“Oh...” Christina drawled in a slow, steady tone as Meredith began pacing again. “Well, are you sure, I mean...”
Meredith interrupted her with an almost distracted wave of her hand in the direction of at least a half a dozen similar white sticks piled on the bathroom sink.
“Okay, well... so... isn't that what you wanted; the whole get married, build a house with him, have his McDreamy babies thing?” Christina asked dryly. “I mean, you are planning on keeping it right?”
“It is... I am... but... I...” Meredith answered, still pacing.
“And it's not like you're an intern anymore. I mean, Baily did it... she has, you know...” Christina said, waving her hand vaguely as she tried to reassure her friend. “She's doing the whole family and career thing...”
Meredith stopped and turned to face Christina.
“It'll be perfect,” she said.
Christina gave Meredith a blank look.
“It'll be freakin' perfect,” she repeated. “Bright blue eyes and perfect hair; ten adorable fingers and toes... It'll be perfect, and shiny, and innocent...”
Christina continued to give her friend a blank look.
“Perfect, Christina...”
“Okay...” she drawled. “Still not...”
“The baby's going to be perfect and I'm...” Meredith tried to explain, her voice trailing off darkly even as she did so. “I'm just... I mean, come on Christina, seriously...”
“Mer...”
“Seriously...” Meredith practically whispered as she began to pace once more.
“Mer...” Christina said, reaching for her friend and forcing her to stop moving. “Meredith...”
“You don't understand, Christina, this baby... Derek's baby... it'll be perfect. And I'm... I'm afraid. What if I'm exactly like my mother? What's to stop me from being just like her?”
“Because you've changed, Mer. So maybe you're not perfect, but who the hell is, really? And you've changed... you're...”
“All whole and healed?” Meredith asked quietly, almost hopefully.
Christina cocked an eyebrow and twisted her lip, but nodded in agreement.
“I've... changed...”
They both stood in silence for a moment.
“Thanks, Christina.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she replied. “Just go find Derek already.”
Meredith smiled before quickly cleaning up her mess and heading to the door.
“But Mer, just so you know, you start going all gushy and bubbly on me, I'll...”
“I know,” Meredith said before giving her friend a wry grin. “I gotta go find, Derek.”
“Go... go...”
Meredith smiled again, a genuine sort of grin that they had all been missing for too long since George's death, and went out in search of her husband...
4. Turing Circles (PG-13)
(season 6 and on)
“Meredith...” Derek said, reaching out to brush back some of her mussed hair. “I... I love you but...”
“Derek...”
“I've loved you, for... God, I've loved you for forever, but you just... and I...”
“Derek...”
“I thought... I really thought that we could do this... that you could do this... but...”
“What happened to this is forever?” She asked almost plaintively, pulling the sheets up to cover herself and trying to ignore the way her simple, small wedding band caught on the fabric. “What happened to nobody runs?”
Derek reached for a crumpled paper hidden in a small drawer in the nightstand. He smoothed it out and place it in Meredith's lap before rising from the bed.
“Derek...”
“Were you even going to tell me?” He asked, anger finally entering his voice. “Were you even going to tell me, or were you just going to get Christina to drive you... never tell me...”
“Derek, you don't...”
“Don't what? Understand?” He asked, his voice rising in anger a moment before falling suddenly into unbearable sadness. “You're right, Meredith, I don't understand. Why did we build a room for the kids to play in, if you never intended to have kids?”
“Derek, that's not it. I'm not...” She stammered before taking a deep breath. “I'm going to...”
“But you considered it, didn't you? You considered not having it; not having our child. And you weren't going to tell me...” Derek interrupted painfully.
“Derek...”
“I can't do this, Meredith. I love you, God help me, I still love you, but I can't do this...”
He turned and walked out the bedroom door, leaving Meredith alone in the cold bed...
5. Always You (PG)
(pre-series; pilot)
Meredith giggled as she fumbled with the door, her fingers more like the nervous ones of a wild teenager and not a soon to be surgical intern at Seattle Grace.
Derek laughed a little himself.
“Is this even your house?”
Meredith whirled, losing her balance and stumbling into Derek's unsteady embrace.
“No...” she replied, smiling at the curious way Derek raised an eyebrow. “It's not my house,” she added. “But it's s'okay,” she giggled.
She raised her keys and jingled them in his face.
“There'll be no breaking... just...”
She whirled back around and triumphantly slid the key home before pushing open the door.
“Just entering...” she laughed as she pulled Derek through the door and shut it hastily behind them, leaving the keys chiming playfully in the lock...
6. I'd Rather Be with You (PG-13 or R)
(early season 4)
Meredith eyed the water with a critical eye, squinting in the almost harsh light of the summer sun and suddenly feeling like a child of six again. Unconsciously, her shoulders tightened, as if her mother were just behind her, preparing to toss Meredith unceremoniously into the cool ripples now, just as she had then.
She consciously forced her shoulders to relax and shook her head harshly.
“Seriously, Meredith, get a grip,” she admonished herself, staring into the depths of the cool water that would have practically beckoned to anyone else but her on such a hot day.
She jumped when she suddenly heard Derek's voice brush near her ear.
“You haven't been in the water since...”
“Don't...” Meredith replied. “S and M, remember?” She reminded him. “Just S and M; you don't get to...”
“Okay...” he interrupted quickly, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. “Okay,” he soothed.
He walked past her to stand closer to the edge of the deepest part of the forest pool. Without looking back, Derek began to remove his clothing, starting with his boots and socks. He didn't even glance back when he finally had all his clothing tossed to one side.
“But...” he drawled, still not looking back to Meredith where she stood unmoving. “If you want the S part of that equation...”
He stepped from the pebbled shore and into the water, wading out until it was as high as his hips.
“You'll just have to join me,” Derek finished, finally turning to look at Meredith.
She raised her eyebrows and he shrugged before making a few experimental moves toward swimming.
“What about the mockery?” Meredith finally ventured after watching Derek for a few moments.
“Well... the water is a bit colder than I thought,” he admitted with a wry grin that forced Meredith to laugh a little despite herself.
“I'm not sure that that's something you should be telling me right now if you really want me to get in that water with you, Derek,” Meredith replied with a small smile.
Derek stopped swimming and rose, letting the water ripple around him and slicking back his wet hair with a casual hand. He shrugged before flopping back with a careless splash and floating idly on his back.
“Just mockery for you then...” he drawled, blatantly teasing her with the clear evidence that the water wasn't all that cold after all.
“Derek...”
“Meredith...” he mimicked, still sliding his hands through the water in lazy circles as he floated on his back. He refused to look up, though he did allow himself a small smile when he finally heard Meredith slip into the water...
7. Lullaby (PG)
(season 6 and on)
“This is a thing with you, isn't it?” Meredith asked, turning her head and giving her husband a sleepy eyed look. “I mean, it can't just be my snoring, it really is a thing with you.”
Derek gave her a lop-sided grin. “A thing?”
“Seriously...” Meredith scrubbed a hand over her eyes a moment. “A thing,” she repeated. “And I'm still not sure if it's an incredibly creepy thing, or a completely romantic one,” she admitted.
“I think we should go with romantic,” Derek replied. “Though, your snoring has gotten worse,” he teased her. “Much... much worse; whole forests cut down in their prime... the entire Olympic peninsula... ”
He trailed off with a smile as Meredith smirked and shifted to a more comfortable position on her side.
“You're beautiful,” Derek declared suddenly, punctuating his statement with a soft kiss to his wife's forehead.
“I'm as big as a house,” Meredith replied. “This house...” she elaborated.
Derek smiled. “I'd say more the size of something like, say... Seattle Grace,” he teased. “And still... you are beautiful,” he whispered before slowly kissing her until she was breathless and laughing.
“Ooh...” she murmured in surprise, even as she caught her breath. “Well... now we're all awake,” Meredith groused in mock indignation.
Derek gave her an abashed sort of smile and slipped down the bed low enough that his breath washed lightly over his wife's belly.
“Okay you two,” he whispered. “We've kept mom up long enough, let's let her get some sleep.”
Then softly, in rough, gently off-key tone, he started to sing.
“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush, now don't you cry! Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.”
“What are doing?” Meredith asked, looking down and raising an odd eyebrow.
“Shhh... I'm trying to sing a lullaby to our children,” Derek replied with a playful smile before starting to sing once more.
“Seriously?” Meredith asked lightly.
Derek let the comment go and continued to croon softly, letting his warm breath caress his wife even as he did so. “Over in Killarney, many years ago, me mither sang a song to me, in tones so sweet and low. Just a simple little ditty, in her good auld Irish way, and I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me this day.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush, now don't you cry! Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.”
“You do realize that you're singing to my stomach,” Meredith reminded him in a mild tone of puzzlement. “It's kind of...”
“Romantic... sweet... endearing...” Derek supplied.
“Again, I was going to go with creepy,” his wife countered with a wry sort of smile. “But Alex did tell me once that I was basically raised by wolves.”
Derek felt, more than saw her shrug.
“So... I could be wrong,” Meredith admitted.
Her husband kissed her gently on the belly and continued to sing.
“Oft, in dreams I wander to that cot again. I feel her arms a huggin' me as when she held me then. And I hear her voice a hummin' to me as in days of yore, when she used to rock me fast asleep outside the cabin door.
Meredith slipped her fingertips into his hair, gently caressing.
“They're starting to settle down,” she murmured quietly, feeling the twins shift and still, apparently lulled by their father's, tenderly off-key voice. “So it's good at least one of their parents wasn't raised by wolves,” she added.
Derek slipped back up the bed, letting his hand linger on Meredith's belly, tenderly caressing her as he looked her in the eye.
“Because I don't really know any lullabies,” she confessed softly. “Or bedtime stories, or how to bake cookies... I'm not even...”
“Shh...” Derek soothed, brushing the stray curls from her face. “You're extraordinary, and our children will be extraordinary...”
Meredith interrupted him with a quietly raised eyebrow that Derek countered with a brief kiss to her nose.
“Extraordinary...” he repeated, still gently brushing the hair back from her face.
She gave him a small smile before he slid back down the bed to finish his lullaby.
“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral...”
“This is another thing with you, isn't it?” Meredith asked with a small laugh...
8. Misty Blue (PG or PG-13)
(season 2)
“Doc...” Joe said, trying to direct Derek's attention over to Meredith again. “Doc, ya can't just let her...”
Derek finally did look over to a very drunk Meredith who was being eyed almost hungrily by a young man that he recognized from the hospital. Not a doctor, Derek knew, but one of the lawyers kept on retainer by the hospital board.
He looked back to Joe. “I can't.”
“Doc...”
“It's her life, Joe. I can't...”
Joe looked over to Meredith again with a worried face more suited to that of a concerned friend, than a bartender. Derek sighed heavily, and tried to ignore Joe's satisfied expression following him over to Meredith's table.
“Meredith.”
She looked up with blurry eyes and twirled an almost empty glass in her hands.
“Not tequila,” she said, her words almost as blurry as her glance. “Not tequila tonight... nope... not tequila. This my friend, is not tequila, so you don't have to worry about me.”
She eyed Derek.
“You don't get to worry about me... not anymore. And I...”
Meredith's voice trailed off and she took another sip of her watery drink.
“I don't get to believe anymore,” she finished vaguely.
“Come on, Meredith. Let me drive you home,” Derek replied more gently than he had to.
She titled her head and looked at him for a moment before nodding drunkly and stumbling out of her stool. Derek caught her and helped her gather her things.
“Addison... what about Addison?”
“I'm just going to get you home Meredith,” Derek replied. “Addison can wait.”
There was no more conversation until Derek was standing outside Meredith's door with her.
“Let me,” he offered as she fumbled with her keys, leaning heavily against the glass of the door.
“I can do it,” Meredith insisted trying to knock aside Derek's careful reach and not succeeding.
“Meredith, would you please just let me help you?” He asked, a hint of frustration working its way into his voice. “I want to help.”
Suddenly, she whirled, nearly losing her balance and only maintaining it through sheer force of will and the barrier of Derek's arm between her and the porch railing.
“No...”
Derek pulled back, surprised by the vehemence in her voice.
“No... no... no...” Meredith practically spat. “You don't get to do that. You don't get to chose her and still help me. You don't get to worry about me, or help me, or... or... you just don't... just... don't.”
Derek stepped back a little, suddenly at a loss in the face of Meredith's raw emotion.
“You don't get to care, because I don't get to care,” she continued. “I don't get to... and if you do... if you care, then it makes it too hard for me not to.”
She suddenly sagged, dropping to the cold wood of the porch as if the strength of her outburst had been all that had been keeping her on her feet. Derek resisted sinking down next to her.
“You were just supposed to be a one night stand, damn you; a stupid one night stand that I could regret or not... or whatever...” she waved her hand vaguely. “That's what you were supposed to be, Derek...”
Meredith looked up at him and sighed heavily.
“You were never supposed to be my shining knight in whatever... I was never supposed to have to know that all that crap about soul-mates and true love wasn't really crap after all. You weren't supposed to be the damn love of my life. I mean, who the hell finds the love of their life in a bar?”
“I did,” Derek replied softly. “Meredith...”
She looked at him with red rimmed eyes and a nearly trembling lip.
“Just... just go away, Derek. Addison's waiting... Just... go away,” she said abruptly.
He reached down.
“At least let me help you into the house.”
They were eye to eye, close enough that if either leaned forward just the smallest bit, their lips might meet, and then their hands, and then...
The door opened and Meredith tumbled backwards.
“Oof...”
“Mer?” Izzy looked down in puzzlement at her roommate.
“Hello, Izzy,” Meredith replied dryly.
“She was at Joe's,” Derek explained unnecessarily. “She needed me... I mean, she needed me to give her a ride home and I was just going to help her inside.”
“I'll help her,” Izzy said before reaching down to help Meredith up.
“Of course...” Derek said carefully as he stepped back, shadowed under Izzy's dark look.
“You should go now,” Meredith's friend said simply.
“Maybe...”
“I really think you should go now, Doctor Shepherd,” Izzy repeated, her voice firm and protective.
“Meredith...”
“No one meets the love of their life in a bar,” she murmured, letting Izzy support her. “Go home, Derek.”
He nodded, and without looking back, walked into the dark...
9. These Arms of Mine (R)
(Late season 4 - between “Piece of My Heart” and “Freedom”)
I wrap my naked arms tightly around myself, almost surprised when I feel the coolness of my own skin beneath them. I press my fingertips into my flesh and ignore the hopelessly empty feeling that threatens to overwhelm me. It is a familiar feeling, practically an old friend, but it's not what I want anymore.
I've healed myself enough to know that that hasn't always been the case. That there were definitely times that I've embraced the emptiness, held it as close to myself as any lover. I've welcomed it often, because it's let me be wild. It's let me be reckless and impulsive. Once, it even let me take a stranger home and fuck him on the floor of my mother's house the night before starting my internship. It has been second nature.
I sigh.
But I can't hold on to it anymore, because when I do, I can't hold onto anything else, not even myself.
I begin to move my hands, tracing the naked flesh beneath my fingertips, rediscovering the dips and hollows. I explore the scars. I trace over the lines of muscle and sinew, solid bone beneath. And almost idly, I wonder what Derek saw, what he felt, when he used to do the same thing.
He did it the first night we met. Traced his hands all over my body, as if sinking the memory of my flesh into his fingertips. I had never had another man do something so tender and intimate to me before. It had been almost shockingly erotic, and even at the time, it had been something that I knew I would never forget.
I had done the same thing in return and I've never forgotten, even when I was with another man. Always, my fingertips have remembered Derek, fruitlessly sought his shape out in other forms. It was always part of the problem, my hands were always seeking Derek, remembering him, but never finding him.
I wonder if Derek has felt the same thing. I wonder if he feels it with Rose, seeks the shape of me in her. And almost, I hope that it isn't the case, because I know how painful it is to not find what you're seeking, and whatever else I may want, Derek in pain isn't one of them.
And if he does look for me in Rose's shape, think of me when he's with her, I hope that she doesn't know. Because I hate her, of course I hate her, because he's with her and not me. But I don't hate her as a person, as a woman, as Rose. I don't hate her personally... I just hate that it's not me instead. I'd have to hate her personally to want her to know that Derek thinks of me when he's with her.
I wonder if he does think of me.
I feel the goosebumps rise along my skin as I trace my own outline, thinking of Derek. I always have to think of Derek now, even when it's just me, just my own hands. It never used to be that way, but then again, it never used to be about love, or emotional desire, or deeper needs either.
I sigh. I sink the memory of my own flesh into the memory I have of Derek's skin against mine.
I ache. The emptiness doesn't make me feel wild anymore, it only makes me feel lonely. And the loneliness can't be eased with just a random stranger anymore, if it ever had been.
I need. I need the dark and twisty part of myself to make friends with the secretly hopeful part of myself. Because I need to be whole.
I want to be all whole and healed. I want to be whole enough that I can give my entire self away and not feel afraid that if I do, I'll disappear. I want to be healed enough that the wounds become scars, not just healed over gashes that I'm afraid might break open at any moment.
I want...
I want to be extraordinary...
10. Don't Say You Love Me (PG-13)
(pre-series; pilot)
Meredith drifted in a pleasant haze of satisfaction and lingering intoxication, her limbs tangled comfortably with her partner's. Even the rough scratch of the old carpet beneath her was a welcome sensation, and she stretched her arms out a moment to feel it.
“That was...” her partner murmured, his breath hot against her skin where his lips lingered at her shoulder.
She giggled lightly in response.
“Third time was definitely the charm,” Meredith said lightly. “Of course, the first two times weren't exactly horrible,” she added, laughing softly when she felt his own laugh vibrate through her.
Meredith let her eyes fall closed, savoring every sensation, from the subtle scratch of his five o'clock shadow to the slight chill of the air against her heated skin.
“I feel...” she murmured.
“Good,” her partner supplied.
“Very good,” Meredith sighed in agreement. “I haven't felt this good since...”
She shrugged under the comfortable weight of his arms.
“I'm not sure when I've ever felt this good,” Meredith found herself admitting unexpectedly as she let herself float in the pleasant feeling.
Her partner hummed in agreement and pressed his lips once against hers before returning them to the warm curve of her shoulder.
“I think I could fall in love with you,” he whispered.
Meredith's eyes flew open.
“What did you just say?”
“I said... I think I could fall in love with you,” he repeated, his voice sounding unexpectedly sincere even muffled as it was, with his lips pressed against her.
Meredith forced herself to laugh.
“Tell me that again when you're sober and not sporting an unexpected case of rug burn.”
He chuckled lightly and kissed her. “Deal...”
Meredith met his eyes and fought down the surprising mix of fear and elation that suddenly filled her as she kissed him in return...
FIN
Title: Our Love Song (Ten Song Meme)
Rating: G through R; each section is rated
Timeline: Whole Series; each section is noted
Genre: Meredith/Derek; meme
Author's Notes: This is meant to be a response to the ubiquitous ten song meme (writing a piece for each song that randomly plays) therefore each little story takes its title from a song. It should be noted that while I did take my inspiration from the songs, the story may or may not directly relate to the song(in other words, I just went with the flow and wrote what the muse gave me *grin*)
Our Love Song
~Ten Song Meme~
1. Guess it May (G)
(far future)
I sit down next to her carefully, a cup of coffee in one hand, and a glass of juice in the other. I'm not sure what kind of day it is for her; so coffee, if she's that young intern I've recently fallen in love with, or juice, if she's the new mother that's just given birth to our son.
She accepts the juice from me with a smile. I smile back and drink the coffee myself.
“Thank you,” she murmurs, sipping the juice carefully. She grimaces a little at the taste before sighing. “I miss coffee,” she says almost wistfully.
“Soon,” I reassure her, just as I did then, comforting her with the knowledge that as soon as our son stopped nursing she could go back to the jittery addiction that seemed to be a part of every Seattle native's genetic code.
“Soon,” she echoes with another soft sigh before brushing back some lightly graying curls that have escaped their elastic prison.
I reach out a hand to help her and she smiles fondly at me before tightening her beautifully messy ponytail.
“Hey... um...”
I turn to look at the tall boy hovering almost nervously nearby. It always makes George a little uncomfortable to see his mother this way, her memories and her personality wandering freely through her own sense of time.
“I'm sorry... I just... I mean I can't be late for my first day of Rounds,” he offers helplessly, his eyes darting to and from his mother as he speaks.
Meredith looks over to him casually, clearing not recognizing her son in the shape of this handsome young man with the intensely bright eyes.
“A new intern?”
“A new intern,” I confirm. “It's his first day at Seattle Grace. His mother is my friend, so I told her I'd look out for him.”
She eyes him carefully before smiling in a friendly sort of fashion. “It's rough, that first day,” she tells him. “But you'll make it,” she adds with assurance.
“I... I want to,” he replies. “I want to make my mom proud.”
“I'm sure she already is...”
“George,” he supplies into her attentive pause.
Meredith smiles almost softly. I'm sure she's very proud of you, George.” She turns her focus back to me.
“Look out for, George, Derek.”
“I will,” I assure her, slipping a small post-it note into her hand as I rise to leave. I have a generous supply of them for just this moment everyday.
Meredith reads it, giving me one of the brilliant smiles that I know she saves only for me. I carry the warmth of that smile with me as I kiss her goodbye and leave to take our son to Seattle Grace for his first day as a surgeon...
2. Make Love to Me Forever (G)
(far future)
Meredith knelt carefully next to the simple gravestone that marked her husband's grave. For a moment, she let her fingertips trace the carved name etched so lovingly into the cool granite before trailing them lightly over the unexpected image of a rainbow trout leaping free of the water.
She smiled.
Finally, her delicate surgeon's hands shadowed the epitaph... He was loved...
Then, just underneath the words, Meredith pasted the small blue post-it with its carefully scrawled message... this is forever.
3. Starting to Show (PG)
(season 6 and on)
“Okay Meredith, I'm here, open the door.”
Christina set her hand on her cocked hip and stared at the silently closed door of the locker room bathroom.
“Open the door, Meredith.”
“Is there anyone else with you?” Came the muffled response through the wood. “You didn't say anything to anyone else did you?”
“Did I...” she muttered. “Would you just open the damn door, Meredith?”
Christina heard the small pop of the lock being turned and the door opened a crack. She pushed it open to see Meredith pacing the floor. She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her.
“Okay, so what's going on?”
Meredith suddenly turned and held a little white stick up, facing the small window toward her friend so that she could see the simple blue plus symbol.
“Oh...” Christina drawled in a slow, steady tone as Meredith began pacing again. “Well, are you sure, I mean...”
Meredith interrupted her with an almost distracted wave of her hand in the direction of at least a half a dozen similar white sticks piled on the bathroom sink.
“Okay, well... so... isn't that what you wanted; the whole get married, build a house with him, have his McDreamy babies thing?” Christina asked dryly. “I mean, you are planning on keeping it right?”
“It is... I am... but... I...” Meredith answered, still pacing.
“And it's not like you're an intern anymore. I mean, Baily did it... she has, you know...” Christina said, waving her hand vaguely as she tried to reassure her friend. “She's doing the whole family and career thing...”
Meredith stopped and turned to face Christina.
“It'll be perfect,” she said.
Christina gave Meredith a blank look.
“It'll be freakin' perfect,” she repeated. “Bright blue eyes and perfect hair; ten adorable fingers and toes... It'll be perfect, and shiny, and innocent...”
Christina continued to give her friend a blank look.
“Perfect, Christina...”
“Okay...” she drawled. “Still not...”
“The baby's going to be perfect and I'm...” Meredith tried to explain, her voice trailing off darkly even as she did so. “I'm just... I mean, come on Christina, seriously...”
“Mer...”
“Seriously...” Meredith practically whispered as she began to pace once more.
“Mer...” Christina said, reaching for her friend and forcing her to stop moving. “Meredith...”
“You don't understand, Christina, this baby... Derek's baby... it'll be perfect. And I'm... I'm afraid. What if I'm exactly like my mother? What's to stop me from being just like her?”
“Because you've changed, Mer. So maybe you're not perfect, but who the hell is, really? And you've changed... you're...”
“All whole and healed?” Meredith asked quietly, almost hopefully.
Christina cocked an eyebrow and twisted her lip, but nodded in agreement.
“I've... changed...”
They both stood in silence for a moment.
“Thanks, Christina.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she replied. “Just go find Derek already.”
Meredith smiled before quickly cleaning up her mess and heading to the door.
“But Mer, just so you know, you start going all gushy and bubbly on me, I'll...”
“I know,” Meredith said before giving her friend a wry grin. “I gotta go find, Derek.”
“Go... go...”
Meredith smiled again, a genuine sort of grin that they had all been missing for too long since George's death, and went out in search of her husband...
4. Turing Circles (PG-13)
(season 6 and on)
“Meredith...” Derek said, reaching out to brush back some of her mussed hair. “I... I love you but...”
“Derek...”
“I've loved you, for... God, I've loved you for forever, but you just... and I...”
“Derek...”
“I thought... I really thought that we could do this... that you could do this... but...”
“What happened to this is forever?” She asked almost plaintively, pulling the sheets up to cover herself and trying to ignore the way her simple, small wedding band caught on the fabric. “What happened to nobody runs?”
Derek reached for a crumpled paper hidden in a small drawer in the nightstand. He smoothed it out and place it in Meredith's lap before rising from the bed.
“Derek...”
“Were you even going to tell me?” He asked, anger finally entering his voice. “Were you even going to tell me, or were you just going to get Christina to drive you... never tell me...”
“Derek, you don't...”
“Don't what? Understand?” He asked, his voice rising in anger a moment before falling suddenly into unbearable sadness. “You're right, Meredith, I don't understand. Why did we build a room for the kids to play in, if you never intended to have kids?”
“Derek, that's not it. I'm not...” She stammered before taking a deep breath. “I'm going to...”
“But you considered it, didn't you? You considered not having it; not having our child. And you weren't going to tell me...” Derek interrupted painfully.
“Derek...”
“I can't do this, Meredith. I love you, God help me, I still love you, but I can't do this...”
He turned and walked out the bedroom door, leaving Meredith alone in the cold bed...
5. Always You (PG)
(pre-series; pilot)
Meredith giggled as she fumbled with the door, her fingers more like the nervous ones of a wild teenager and not a soon to be surgical intern at Seattle Grace.
Derek laughed a little himself.
“Is this even your house?”
Meredith whirled, losing her balance and stumbling into Derek's unsteady embrace.
“No...” she replied, smiling at the curious way Derek raised an eyebrow. “It's not my house,” she added. “But it's s'okay,” she giggled.
She raised her keys and jingled them in his face.
“There'll be no breaking... just...”
She whirled back around and triumphantly slid the key home before pushing open the door.
“Just entering...” she laughed as she pulled Derek through the door and shut it hastily behind them, leaving the keys chiming playfully in the lock...
6. I'd Rather Be with You (PG-13 or R)
(early season 4)
Meredith eyed the water with a critical eye, squinting in the almost harsh light of the summer sun and suddenly feeling like a child of six again. Unconsciously, her shoulders tightened, as if her mother were just behind her, preparing to toss Meredith unceremoniously into the cool ripples now, just as she had then.
She consciously forced her shoulders to relax and shook her head harshly.
“Seriously, Meredith, get a grip,” she admonished herself, staring into the depths of the cool water that would have practically beckoned to anyone else but her on such a hot day.
She jumped when she suddenly heard Derek's voice brush near her ear.
“You haven't been in the water since...”
“Don't...” Meredith replied. “S and M, remember?” She reminded him. “Just S and M; you don't get to...”
“Okay...” he interrupted quickly, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. “Okay,” he soothed.
He walked past her to stand closer to the edge of the deepest part of the forest pool. Without looking back, Derek began to remove his clothing, starting with his boots and socks. He didn't even glance back when he finally had all his clothing tossed to one side.
“But...” he drawled, still not looking back to Meredith where she stood unmoving. “If you want the S part of that equation...”
He stepped from the pebbled shore and into the water, wading out until it was as high as his hips.
“You'll just have to join me,” Derek finished, finally turning to look at Meredith.
She raised her eyebrows and he shrugged before making a few experimental moves toward swimming.
“What about the mockery?” Meredith finally ventured after watching Derek for a few moments.
“Well... the water is a bit colder than I thought,” he admitted with a wry grin that forced Meredith to laugh a little despite herself.
“I'm not sure that that's something you should be telling me right now if you really want me to get in that water with you, Derek,” Meredith replied with a small smile.
Derek stopped swimming and rose, letting the water ripple around him and slicking back his wet hair with a casual hand. He shrugged before flopping back with a careless splash and floating idly on his back.
“Just mockery for you then...” he drawled, blatantly teasing her with the clear evidence that the water wasn't all that cold after all.
“Derek...”
“Meredith...” he mimicked, still sliding his hands through the water in lazy circles as he floated on his back. He refused to look up, though he did allow himself a small smile when he finally heard Meredith slip into the water...
7. Lullaby (PG)
(season 6 and on)
“This is a thing with you, isn't it?” Meredith asked, turning her head and giving her husband a sleepy eyed look. “I mean, it can't just be my snoring, it really is a thing with you.”
Derek gave her a lop-sided grin. “A thing?”
“Seriously...” Meredith scrubbed a hand over her eyes a moment. “A thing,” she repeated. “And I'm still not sure if it's an incredibly creepy thing, or a completely romantic one,” she admitted.
“I think we should go with romantic,” Derek replied. “Though, your snoring has gotten worse,” he teased her. “Much... much worse; whole forests cut down in their prime... the entire Olympic peninsula... ”
He trailed off with a smile as Meredith smirked and shifted to a more comfortable position on her side.
“You're beautiful,” Derek declared suddenly, punctuating his statement with a soft kiss to his wife's forehead.
“I'm as big as a house,” Meredith replied. “This house...” she elaborated.
Derek smiled. “I'd say more the size of something like, say... Seattle Grace,” he teased. “And still... you are beautiful,” he whispered before slowly kissing her until she was breathless and laughing.
“Ooh...” she murmured in surprise, even as she caught her breath. “Well... now we're all awake,” Meredith groused in mock indignation.
Derek gave her an abashed sort of smile and slipped down the bed low enough that his breath washed lightly over his wife's belly.
“Okay you two,” he whispered. “We've kept mom up long enough, let's let her get some sleep.”
Then softly, in rough, gently off-key tone, he started to sing.
“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush, now don't you cry! Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.”
“What are doing?” Meredith asked, looking down and raising an odd eyebrow.
“Shhh... I'm trying to sing a lullaby to our children,” Derek replied with a playful smile before starting to sing once more.
“Seriously?” Meredith asked lightly.
Derek let the comment go and continued to croon softly, letting his warm breath caress his wife even as he did so. “Over in Killarney, many years ago, me mither sang a song to me, in tones so sweet and low. Just a simple little ditty, in her good auld Irish way, and I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me this day.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush, now don't you cry! Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.”
“You do realize that you're singing to my stomach,” Meredith reminded him in a mild tone of puzzlement. “It's kind of...”
“Romantic... sweet... endearing...” Derek supplied.
“Again, I was going to go with creepy,” his wife countered with a wry sort of smile. “But Alex did tell me once that I was basically raised by wolves.”
Derek felt, more than saw her shrug.
“So... I could be wrong,” Meredith admitted.
Her husband kissed her gently on the belly and continued to sing.
“Oft, in dreams I wander to that cot again. I feel her arms a huggin' me as when she held me then. And I hear her voice a hummin' to me as in days of yore, when she used to rock me fast asleep outside the cabin door.
Meredith slipped her fingertips into his hair, gently caressing.
“They're starting to settle down,” she murmured quietly, feeling the twins shift and still, apparently lulled by their father's, tenderly off-key voice. “So it's good at least one of their parents wasn't raised by wolves,” she added.
Derek slipped back up the bed, letting his hand linger on Meredith's belly, tenderly caressing her as he looked her in the eye.
“Because I don't really know any lullabies,” she confessed softly. “Or bedtime stories, or how to bake cookies... I'm not even...”
“Shh...” Derek soothed, brushing the stray curls from her face. “You're extraordinary, and our children will be extraordinary...”
Meredith interrupted him with a quietly raised eyebrow that Derek countered with a brief kiss to her nose.
“Extraordinary...” he repeated, still gently brushing the hair back from her face.
She gave him a small smile before he slid back down the bed to finish his lullaby.
“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral...”
“This is another thing with you, isn't it?” Meredith asked with a small laugh...
8. Misty Blue (PG or PG-13)
(season 2)
“Doc...” Joe said, trying to direct Derek's attention over to Meredith again. “Doc, ya can't just let her...”
Derek finally did look over to a very drunk Meredith who was being eyed almost hungrily by a young man that he recognized from the hospital. Not a doctor, Derek knew, but one of the lawyers kept on retainer by the hospital board.
He looked back to Joe. “I can't.”
“Doc...”
“It's her life, Joe. I can't...”
Joe looked over to Meredith again with a worried face more suited to that of a concerned friend, than a bartender. Derek sighed heavily, and tried to ignore Joe's satisfied expression following him over to Meredith's table.
“Meredith.”
She looked up with blurry eyes and twirled an almost empty glass in her hands.
“Not tequila,” she said, her words almost as blurry as her glance. “Not tequila tonight... nope... not tequila. This my friend, is not tequila, so you don't have to worry about me.”
She eyed Derek.
“You don't get to worry about me... not anymore. And I...”
Meredith's voice trailed off and she took another sip of her watery drink.
“I don't get to believe anymore,” she finished vaguely.
“Come on, Meredith. Let me drive you home,” Derek replied more gently than he had to.
She titled her head and looked at him for a moment before nodding drunkly and stumbling out of her stool. Derek caught her and helped her gather her things.
“Addison... what about Addison?”
“I'm just going to get you home Meredith,” Derek replied. “Addison can wait.”
There was no more conversation until Derek was standing outside Meredith's door with her.
“Let me,” he offered as she fumbled with her keys, leaning heavily against the glass of the door.
“I can do it,” Meredith insisted trying to knock aside Derek's careful reach and not succeeding.
“Meredith, would you please just let me help you?” He asked, a hint of frustration working its way into his voice. “I want to help.”
Suddenly, she whirled, nearly losing her balance and only maintaining it through sheer force of will and the barrier of Derek's arm between her and the porch railing.
“No...”
Derek pulled back, surprised by the vehemence in her voice.
“No... no... no...” Meredith practically spat. “You don't get to do that. You don't get to chose her and still help me. You don't get to worry about me, or help me, or... or... you just don't... just... don't.”
Derek stepped back a little, suddenly at a loss in the face of Meredith's raw emotion.
“You don't get to care, because I don't get to care,” she continued. “I don't get to... and if you do... if you care, then it makes it too hard for me not to.”
She suddenly sagged, dropping to the cold wood of the porch as if the strength of her outburst had been all that had been keeping her on her feet. Derek resisted sinking down next to her.
“You were just supposed to be a one night stand, damn you; a stupid one night stand that I could regret or not... or whatever...” she waved her hand vaguely. “That's what you were supposed to be, Derek...”
Meredith looked up at him and sighed heavily.
“You were never supposed to be my shining knight in whatever... I was never supposed to have to know that all that crap about soul-mates and true love wasn't really crap after all. You weren't supposed to be the damn love of my life. I mean, who the hell finds the love of their life in a bar?”
“I did,” Derek replied softly. “Meredith...”
She looked at him with red rimmed eyes and a nearly trembling lip.
“Just... just go away, Derek. Addison's waiting... Just... go away,” she said abruptly.
He reached down.
“At least let me help you into the house.”
They were eye to eye, close enough that if either leaned forward just the smallest bit, their lips might meet, and then their hands, and then...
The door opened and Meredith tumbled backwards.
“Oof...”
“Mer?” Izzy looked down in puzzlement at her roommate.
“Hello, Izzy,” Meredith replied dryly.
“She was at Joe's,” Derek explained unnecessarily. “She needed me... I mean, she needed me to give her a ride home and I was just going to help her inside.”
“I'll help her,” Izzy said before reaching down to help Meredith up.
“Of course...” Derek said carefully as he stepped back, shadowed under Izzy's dark look.
“You should go now,” Meredith's friend said simply.
“Maybe...”
“I really think you should go now, Doctor Shepherd,” Izzy repeated, her voice firm and protective.
“Meredith...”
“No one meets the love of their life in a bar,” she murmured, letting Izzy support her. “Go home, Derek.”
He nodded, and without looking back, walked into the dark...
9. These Arms of Mine (R)
(Late season 4 - between “Piece of My Heart” and “Freedom”)
I wrap my naked arms tightly around myself, almost surprised when I feel the coolness of my own skin beneath them. I press my fingertips into my flesh and ignore the hopelessly empty feeling that threatens to overwhelm me. It is a familiar feeling, practically an old friend, but it's not what I want anymore.
I've healed myself enough to know that that hasn't always been the case. That there were definitely times that I've embraced the emptiness, held it as close to myself as any lover. I've welcomed it often, because it's let me be wild. It's let me be reckless and impulsive. Once, it even let me take a stranger home and fuck him on the floor of my mother's house the night before starting my internship. It has been second nature.
I sigh.
But I can't hold on to it anymore, because when I do, I can't hold onto anything else, not even myself.
I begin to move my hands, tracing the naked flesh beneath my fingertips, rediscovering the dips and hollows. I explore the scars. I trace over the lines of muscle and sinew, solid bone beneath. And almost idly, I wonder what Derek saw, what he felt, when he used to do the same thing.
He did it the first night we met. Traced his hands all over my body, as if sinking the memory of my flesh into his fingertips. I had never had another man do something so tender and intimate to me before. It had been almost shockingly erotic, and even at the time, it had been something that I knew I would never forget.
I had done the same thing in return and I've never forgotten, even when I was with another man. Always, my fingertips have remembered Derek, fruitlessly sought his shape out in other forms. It was always part of the problem, my hands were always seeking Derek, remembering him, but never finding him.
I wonder if Derek has felt the same thing. I wonder if he feels it with Rose, seeks the shape of me in her. And almost, I hope that it isn't the case, because I know how painful it is to not find what you're seeking, and whatever else I may want, Derek in pain isn't one of them.
And if he does look for me in Rose's shape, think of me when he's with her, I hope that she doesn't know. Because I hate her, of course I hate her, because he's with her and not me. But I don't hate her as a person, as a woman, as Rose. I don't hate her personally... I just hate that it's not me instead. I'd have to hate her personally to want her to know that Derek thinks of me when he's with her.
I wonder if he does think of me.
I feel the goosebumps rise along my skin as I trace my own outline, thinking of Derek. I always have to think of Derek now, even when it's just me, just my own hands. It never used to be that way, but then again, it never used to be about love, or emotional desire, or deeper needs either.
I sigh. I sink the memory of my own flesh into the memory I have of Derek's skin against mine.
I ache. The emptiness doesn't make me feel wild anymore, it only makes me feel lonely. And the loneliness can't be eased with just a random stranger anymore, if it ever had been.
I need. I need the dark and twisty part of myself to make friends with the secretly hopeful part of myself. Because I need to be whole.
I want to be all whole and healed. I want to be whole enough that I can give my entire self away and not feel afraid that if I do, I'll disappear. I want to be healed enough that the wounds become scars, not just healed over gashes that I'm afraid might break open at any moment.
I want...
I want to be extraordinary...
10. Don't Say You Love Me (PG-13)
(pre-series; pilot)
Meredith drifted in a pleasant haze of satisfaction and lingering intoxication, her limbs tangled comfortably with her partner's. Even the rough scratch of the old carpet beneath her was a welcome sensation, and she stretched her arms out a moment to feel it.
“That was...” her partner murmured, his breath hot against her skin where his lips lingered at her shoulder.
She giggled lightly in response.
“Third time was definitely the charm,” Meredith said lightly. “Of course, the first two times weren't exactly horrible,” she added, laughing softly when she felt his own laugh vibrate through her.
Meredith let her eyes fall closed, savoring every sensation, from the subtle scratch of his five o'clock shadow to the slight chill of the air against her heated skin.
“I feel...” she murmured.
“Good,” her partner supplied.
“Very good,” Meredith sighed in agreement. “I haven't felt this good since...”
She shrugged under the comfortable weight of his arms.
“I'm not sure when I've ever felt this good,” Meredith found herself admitting unexpectedly as she let herself float in the pleasant feeling.
Her partner hummed in agreement and pressed his lips once against hers before returning them to the warm curve of her shoulder.
“I think I could fall in love with you,” he whispered.
Meredith's eyes flew open.
“What did you just say?”
“I said... I think I could fall in love with you,” he repeated, his voice sounding unexpectedly sincere even muffled as it was, with his lips pressed against her.
Meredith forced herself to laugh.
“Tell me that again when you're sober and not sporting an unexpected case of rug burn.”
He chuckled lightly and kissed her. “Deal...”
Meredith met his eyes and fought down the surprising mix of fear and elation that suddenly filled her as she kissed him in return...
FIN