FIC: A Mate for Moony for soda_and_capes
Title: A Mate for Moony
Author: midnight_birth
Giftee: soda_and_capes
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5,914
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Author/Artist's Notes: Please note that there is some mild violence and mention of what could possibly be construed as mild dub-con in this work, as well as some slightly dark themes. Severus’s and Remus’s deaths have been disregarded (as well as the Tonks and baby fiasco). Dear soda_and_capes, I enjoyed writing this for you. I hope you enjoy it, and I really hope I pulled off at least some elements you were hoping for.
Summary: Remus has been dealing with the wolf inside him his whole life, and has come to co-exist with him in more or less harmony. He’s at a loss, however, when even outside the full moon, the wolf inside him suddenly starts hunting and yearning. And the person Moony wants is the last person Remus could have imagined.
~*~
“Coffee?”
Harry offered Remus a steaming cup and Remus smiled appreciatively. He would have much rather preferred tea, but lurking in Harry’s cupboards had already proven fruitless in that respect. Harry only drank coffee. Harry also didn’t cook, didn’t own the most rudimentary kitchen appliances, and hadn’t bothered to memorize many cleaning charms. It was, in reality, a typical twenty-year-old bloke’s flat. Remus had almost forgotten what it felt like to be so young.
In Harry’s defence, of course, he didn’t spend a lot of time at home. Whereas Remus spent most days in his little house over the last couple of years, making it the perfect abode, Harry used his flat as a place to sleep. His Auror internship didn’t leave much room for loafing about, and the free time he did have he spent with Ginny (who, as Remus understood, didn’t fancy spending much time over at Harry’s place).
Harry, however, was leaving on an assignment in two days, and Remus had decided to make Harry’s place a pleasant place to live in while he was away, in return for letting him stay there while his new house was being renovated. Remus considered that time well-spend. Harry’s flat was big and quiet, and he enjoyed cleaning and decorating. During the evening, he looked forward to curling up in front of the fireplace with a book and a cup of tea, and generally construed the short stay at Harry’s a nice vacation from the ordinary. He still had a month before Hogwarts opened again to rest and recharge for what promised to be a challenging school year, and he was glad to be able to have some change in his usual very routine-structured life.
“I should have asked whether you’d prefer tea,” Harry said apologetically, taking a seat across from Remus. “I went out and picked some up this morning.”
Remus smiled. “You didn’t have to, really. I was going to pick some up myself tonight.”
Harry frowned. A frown, Remus noted to himself, which rather reminded him of a pout. “It’s a good thing you didn’t. I don’t actually like tea, but I buy some every month on the third Saturday because Sna-Severus will not touch anything else. He likes only specific types of tea, though.” Harry chuckled. “He’s always in a sour mood, I don’t think he particularly likes spending time with me, but the tea placates him some. Maybe you being here will liven it up a little.”
Remus furrowed his brows as the meaning sunk in. “Severus is coming here? Tonight?”
“Didn’t I mention?” Harry smiled slyly. “Must have slipped my mind. We have dinner together every month. Third Saturday.” Remus couldn’t hold in a groan and Harry adopted a stern look. “Now, Remus, you two have to get along now. It’s been years, and after all he did, I think we owe him a little patience.” When Remus didn’t look at all convinced, Harry added, “Besides, he’s been sending you the Wolfsbane potion every month for two years now. You must have forged some kind of contact.”
Remus sighed. Harry was right in thinking that after a constant contact that long something would develop between them. It seemed only natural, but “natural” was not the way with Severus. Severus’s two grumpy owls came on the same day of the month with a cauldron, dropped it off carefully on his doorstep or on his table, if the window happened to be open, and left without giving Remus a chance to attach a reply. Not that Remus ever tried. There was no card and no note of any kind, so while Remus felt slightly guilty for not sending back any token of appreciation, it was more than evident that Severus did not desire one. It seemed that by not acknowledging the act at all, they had a sort of understanding.
Remus always told himself that if he met Severus in person, he would thank him. He tried once, at a Christmas party, but Severus shrugged and mumbled something and walked away before Remus could really get through it all. Since then, rare occasions that they did find each other in the same room, neither brought it up.
Remus was surprised to be receiving the packages from Severus at all. Now that the war was over and he was a war hero, finally allowed to go back to Hogwarts and be a teacher starting next year, the fact that he needed Wolfsbane potion wasn’t a secret. While he couldn’t brew it himself for lack of superior skills in the subject, it could be easily accessible to him. But almost as soon as Remus had settled down in his little house outside of Hogsmeade, the packages started coming, and Remus accepted them without questioning. Perhaps someone had asked Severus on his behalf. Or perhaps it was a part of Severus’s much-treasured routine. He didn’t want to know.
When Remus looked up and saw Harry looking at him expectantly, he shrugged. “Our connection has long ago been forged and set in stone, Harry. These grudges don’t go away. I’ve hurt him a lot in our younger days; the four of us had an incredible impact on his life and the person he became. The man cannot stand me. There is nothing to salvage in our case. All I can do is not force myself on him out of some kind of sick sense of regret.” Remus sighed when Harry’s face became sad and serious. “Don’t think me neither better than I am, nor worse. I am thankful for everything he has done, but I do not want to spend time with him because his dislike towards me is more than mutual. It’s not out of respect for him, exactly, that I do not want to be in his company. I’m not so unselfish. Does he know I’m going to be here?”
Harry twirled the spoon in his fingers and averted his eyes.
“Harry?”
“Just one dinner. Please?” Harry’s voice took Remus aback. All the youthfulness Remus was admiring just a moment ago was gone. Harry sounded too grown up for his age all of a sudden, his voice full of concern and worry.
“You want to tell me what it’s all about?” Remus asked, putting his cup on the table. “For some reason, you seem to think this is a good idea. Have you heard anything I said? Have you seen us in a room together?”
“Alright.” Harry ran his hand through his hair nervously. “Severus has saved my life many times. He’s done more for me than I can ever repay him for. But it is the truth that he’s always despised me, and I’ve always despised him just as fervently. And, truth be told, I don’t think he wants anything repaid. I think he wants everyone to leave him alone.” Harry cleared his throat as Remus nodded encouragingly. “I started having tea with him every month only because Professor McGonagall asked me to.”
“Minerva asked you to do this?”
“She did. She said she was worried about him. He doesn’t care about anything, and though it may seem typical to me, she said he’d always had something to care about. He doesn’t speak with anyone. Without much human contact she’s afraid he’s going to crack.” Harry scoffed. “And she made it seem that because of his... strong feelings for me, I’d be able to break him out of it. Bring the old Snape back. It was the least I could do for him, so I agreed. And it only shows how much he’s changing by the fact that he agreed to it, and he comes every month. Minerva’s right. It can’t be good for him. But...there’s nothing I can do. He doesn’t really speak to me.”
“And you think there’s something I can do?” Remus shook his head. “Harry, this is really not my métier by far and -”
“You’re one of the only people that still connects him to his life. You’re from his past. You were also torn out of clutches of death, thrown into a world you had made peace with leaving.” Harry shifted in his seat nervously. “And you told me you were... lonely sometimes. Maybe you would have an easier time of it?”
The reasons behind Harry’s plight suddenly became very clear to Remus, and he put his head into his hands. Harry was of course right that out of the two of them, Harry was not the one most likely to understand Severus. But it wasn’t understanding that Harry was aiming for. Remus had seen it happen to Sirius, who had much more than Severus ever did even in his last years, and he knew first-hand, so he knew that getting through to Severus wasn’t going to be easy. In fact, it probably wasn’t possible. Not from one dinner, especially. On top of that, it probably wasn’t necessary. His whole life, Severus lived with a clear and important purpose in mind. Now that it no longer existed, Severus could resort to what he no doubt wanted all along - solitude and peace to brood and stay true to his instincts.
But Remus could see it there in Harry’s eyes - something he had seen many times before. The guilt, the duty, the desperate need to save, protect, and be just. The responsibility was pushed on him, yes, but with years it had become ingrained. He felt he owed Severus, and when the possibility presented to repay, he couldn’t pass it by, whether it needed to be or not. Remus couldn’t bring himself to look into Harry’s eyes and tell him that some wounds couldn’t be healed. That some things couldn’t be made right, and not everyone got happily ever after just because the war ended. But Harry didn’t need to learn that truth if it didn’t insist on being learned. He had his whole life ahead of him and a world to rebuild. He needed hope and a belief that everything could turn out ok. That everything and everyone could be fixed with love and effort.
“Fine,” Remus conceded. “One dinner. Don’t expect anything from me.”
Harry seemed excited. “I don’t. Just a change of pace. Someone new to talk to at least once before school starts would be great for him.”
Remus smiled. It wouldn’t make a difference. But Remus knew something of debt, too. It would make Harry feel better, and it was the least Remus could do for him. He owed him to pretend to try.
~*~
It started the moment Remus opened the door. Severus looked surprised for a moment before he sneered at him, and Remus reeled as if slapped and doubled over. While Harry was bustling in the kitchen with the dishes, Remus wasn’t sure what happened in the corridor. On an instinct, Severus seemed to lean forward to steady Remus on his feet, but the moment Severus’s arm landed on Remus’s shoulder, Remus jumped back.
“What are you doing?” he hissed, clutching his chest and leaning on the opposite wall. Severus looked alert now, threatened, scanning the empty space between them suspiciously. Remus, meanwhile, was fumbling for his wand. “Finite Incantatem,” he gasped, waving his wand at Severus. “Finite Incantatem.”
Remus wasn’t sure what the spell he was dealing with was. He knew, of course, that in comparison to Severus, his knowledge of the Dark Arts could almost be called basic. The man invented dark spells, after all, and Remus was sure this was one of them. Which meant only Severus knew what it was and how to counter it. But he couldn’t figure out how Severus managed to cast it so quickly, and why, especially, since he wasn’t expecting to meet Remus there at all.
It was a feeling like no other. The full moon was far off, passed a week ago, in fact, but Remus was feeling similar to the way he felt upon transformation. He could feel something stirring inside his skin, taking over slowly. He had felt it once before. Once, upon turning into a wolf and curling up in a sunray in his back garden, a rabbit had landed between his paws and froze. Remus remembered distinctly his insides lurching and disgust gripping him as he was unable to resist his instinct. He was inside an animal’s body - an apex predator of the wild - and while his mind was clear, his body was following a more basic instinct. He had remembered hearing Sirius complain about having an overpowering desire to lick himself in his Animagus form and not always being able to catch himself in time, realizing how disgusting it was but still getting a strange satisfaction out of it. He also had had to prevent James from forgetting himself and trying to run at a person hitting on Lily with his head bowed on several occasions. He knew things like animal and human divide in an Animagus’s body were common - a minor influence from the animal counterpart could only be expected - but, not being an Animagus, he had never imagined he was going to have to encounter something of a sort.
Remus could not grasp why this was happening now, or how it was relating to anything. He especially couldn’t imagine how Severus had mustered up a spell so quickly that would enforce that kind of feeling. Remus didn’t consider Severus to be an impulsive man. He knew perfectly well that Severus’s dislike for him went several layers deep, but to perform a serious harmful spell without a wand and on sight in Harry’s home just didn’t make any sense.
The feeling wasn’t exactly like the instance with the rabbit, but it was definitely the wolf inside him that was reacting. Howling, scratching, baring teeth. And he was definitely reacting to Severus. Suddenly, in a flash, the feeling had released him and he was left plastered against the wall, glaring at Severus, who now had his wand out.
A moment later, Harry was grinning in the corridor, looking from one to the other nervously.
“Good to see you, Severus.” He smiled at Severus, who threw his cloak at him without taking his eyes off Remus. “”What... are you guys doing?”
Remus was recovering fast. “Severus decided to remember days long past. Appears I’m not as nostalgic for our youth as Severus may have supposed,” he mumbled and stormed to the dining room, planting himself into a chair. For a person who was supposedly in a stupor most of the time, Severus sure appeared to have kept his sense of humour. Or, rather, acquired one.
Remus found the dinner more painful than being in St.Mungo’s with a broken spine for three weeks growing, breaking and re-growing vertebrae right after the final battle. Harry tried for conversation, but Severus’s answers were short and non-committal. He indeed seemed completely out of the loop, barely reacting to the things around him at all. He did, however, throw Remus repeated suspicious looks, frowning and knitting his brows.
Harry kept throwing pleading and then increasingly more irritated looks at Remus, but Remus kept his nose buried in his plate. Something inside him was stirring again, and Remus was quick to realize that perhaps there was no spell. Perhaps the wolf was awake of its own accord. Thinking about it, Remus realized that Severus would never have used a spell to awaken the werewolf, knowing all too well the possible consequences of that, and being the one, after all, who continuously supplied him the Wolfsbane potion. Or maybe he wouldn’t intentionally?
Remus hadn’t experienced a lot of instances of being aware of the beast inside him. He was always there, yes, but slumbering. The only time Moony could take over was during blind rage, and Remus was not one for whom that was typical. That only happened exceedingly close to the full moon, too. The logician in Remus tried to understand. It had been a long while since he saw Severus last. Perhaps there was some residual anger that was too deep for Remus to fathom, but the wolf could feel? The feeling was definitely not of anger, however, though it was indeed directed specifically at Severus. But what could Remus possibly feel towards Severus that was strong enough to awaken Moony so close after the full moon, a time of his deepest sleep?
Harry seemed to give up eventually, wolfing down the food and then carrying the plates off without offering dessert. The moment Harry was out of earshot, Remus leaned over the table and collected himself.
“Severus, are you doing anything?” Severus’s long fingers wrapped around his napkin on the table suddenly seemed incredibly fascinating to Remus. “It’s funny, it’s amusing, fine. I’ll give it to you. But whatever...” Severus’s neck was too pale, Remus realized. Pale and long, and he could see (or hear? Or sense?) where the pulse was beating out its tune in his neck. “Whatever you’re doing is having a very unpleasant effect in regards to my... lycanthropy. In fact, I think it’s managed to somehow trigger the wolf to influence me, which, you’d agree, isn’t something that promises to end well. I’m sure you haven’t meant to -”
“Have your brains given out, Lupin?” Severus snapped. “I know you’re always the Marauder, thinking these things are incredibly hilarious, but I haven’t been interesting in these childish games back then, and am certainly not now.” Severus brought the cup to his lips and Remus stared as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down upon swallowing. Something inside him growled almost contentedly. “I cast no spells on you, though I certainly should’ve cast some on Potter for not informing me you’d be here and thus tricking me into having a meal with you.” Severus’s eyes were full of disgust. It was a look Remus suddenly realized he enjoyed in a way he wasn’t sure was safe to even ponder. Severus measured him with a hard look. “The full moon has just passed, Lupin. It’s a new moon now. Your lycanthropy cannot be an issue. The werewolf doesn’t exist outside of the full moon.”
“Exists,” Remus replied shortly. “Just asleep, waiting. But it’s not -”
“I suggest you lay off the Firewhiskey,” Severus drawled with a cruel smirk. He got up and grabbed his cloak off the back of a chair where Harry had thrown it. “And perhaps double your Wolfsbane intake.”
“I suppose you should make me twice as much next time, then,” Remus fired.
He didn’t know why it had such an effect on Severus, and he didn’t know why something inside him knew it would and possessed him to say it in the first place, but Severus’s eyes blazed angrily before he turned on his heels and swooped out of the room. A few seconds later, the front door closed with a crash.
Harry ran back into the dining room and sighed when he saw Severus’s empty chair. He gave Remus a questioning look, but the other shrugged. When Harry continued to stare at him accusingly, Remus frowned.
“What did you expect was going to happen?” Harry’s eyes opened in surprise at the uncharacteristic sarcasm in Remus’s voice. Jumping up, Remus hurried out of the kitchen. “Forgive me, I’m... tired. I wasn’t prepared for this today. I think I should go to bed.”
Remus flew out of the kitchen made sure to turn the lock behind himself in the guest room, where he collapsed on the bed and buried his face in his hands. He needed silence to figure out what was going on with him. But silence was not what was in store for him. His breath hitched and then he froze, listening. There was not a sound in the room, but inside him, the wolf started speaking.
~*~
Remus had never even supposed that he would ever find himself teetering on the rim of insanity, but as he tiptoed stealthily past the greenhouse, he was sure that he had to make peace with the fact that he was decidedly not mentally sound anymore.
The first time he came, he convinced himself that it was out of curiosity, and necessity, really. There was something that was drawing Remus - drawing the dark part of him - and he had to find out what it was, why, and how to stop it. Every time he Apparated a block from the small, well-hidden, isolated house, he told himself it would be his last visit. He would figure it out, maybe even make himself known this time, put everything on the line, and get help. It had now been a week, and he was no closer to finding out anything. In fact, he was sure that he wasn’t ever going to at the pace he was going. He didn’t even remember why he thought it was a good idea to put a Disillusionment Charm on himself and start spying on Severus in the first place. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but had managed to go a few days being able to rationally convince himself that he wasn’t doing anything very out of the ordinary. Horrid invasion of privacy aside, he was trying to cure what was unmistakeably a malady, and not treading carefully and involving someone else in it before knowing what exactly it was Remus thought unwise.
From the time he had dinner with Severus at Harry’s place, Severus plagued his dreams - every unconscious second of them. Plagued was the word Remus knew he should use, though the wolf inside him that was responsible for those dreams had better choice words that suddenly surfaced at the top of Remus’s mind from time to time, making him close his eyes and breathe deeply, willing himself to wake up.
As usual, Remus made himself comfortable on a large rock in the back yard, muttering the charms and waving his wand at himself, settling in for a long stay. At the exact anticipated time, Severus emerged on his back porch, wrapping his cloak tight around himself, and then seated himself on a bench not far from where Remus was frozen in place. Every morning for at least two hours, Severus sat on the bench, not doing anything, and Remus observed him.
He didn’t know what he hoped to find out that way, but the moment Severus found a comfortable position and sank into complete stillness, Remus’s logical mind was gone. It went into slumber, being replaced by something that Remus couldn’t quite even name anymore. It was the wolf, in part, but at the same time it was him - intelligent, conscious, aware, and calculating. In a few scary and startling hypotheses that Remus presented to himself, he supposed it could be what was merged inside him - man and wolf. Domestic and wild.
From almost infancy, Remus knew that the wolf was a part of him. But it was a disease. Something that only showed itself once a month, completely taking over anything human within him. It was a part of him, but it wasn’t a part of his humanity. He felt the same way when he started taking Wolfsbane potion and becoming a wolf and keeping conscious. He was a man, and though in a wolf’s body, subject to the wolf’s instinct sometimes, it wasn’t a balance. Now, for the first time in his life, he felt that the wolf and man within him were somehow connected and cooperating, and he couldn’t figure out what would trigger that unheard of phenomenon. Why Severus, of all people, would be involved in it in any way.
The wolf knew, of course, but Remus didn’t want to listen. Admitting it out loud would be voicing something he couldn’t accept. He knew very well that he wasn’t helping himself by coming back and observing Severus. But he observed. As if riveted, he memorized the way Severus’s chest rose and fell with every breath. The way his Adam’s apple slowly moved with every swallow. The way his hand constantly played with and kneaded the material of his cloak when his mind was far away, pondering Merlin knew what. He found he could observe for hours. It felt natural to him, and he was sure, when caught up in the moment, that it was something he was supposed to be doing.
Today was somehow different, however. Severus didn’t fall into the desired stillness of his usual routine. His mind seemed focused, not intending to wander. He seemed almost nervous, jumpy, and it translated to Remus. He could feel the way that every fibre of Severus’s body tensed every few minutes, and his eyes darted around the garden, as if expecting something to jump out at him at any moment.
He had shifted uncomfortably on his rock for thousandth time in sync with Severus when the latter suddenly jumped up, pointed his wand about fifteen metres from where Remus was sitting, and muttered something, his voice steady and his hand unwavering.
With horror, Remus felt the cool sensation of his Disillusionment Charm trickle down his body, and almost immediately Severus’s eyes snapped to his. The long silence and stillness that followed was nothing like the one Remus had gotten used to. It was heavy and expectant. He could feel his heart thumping in his throat, but it was as if he could feel a second heart-beat in his chest. A heart-beat that beat slowly. Remus felt the impossible duality - his adrenaline was pumping, but he was calm, he was ready to take off at a run while at the same time challenging himself and Severus.
Finally, Severus lowered his wand, quickly walked over to the rock and yanked Remus off it, seizing him by the wrist painfully. Roughly, he pulled him forward until they were standing face to face, Severus’s nose inches away from Remus’s.
“I’ve heard you,” Severus hissed. “Each day I heard you. I thought I was going insane, imagining that I was being stalked and followed.” He shook him roughly and sunk his nails deeper into Remus’s wrist. “You thought it would be funny, didn’t you? You knew it’s in my nightmares, that I hear them regardless of whether they’re there or not, or whether they can ever be! I bet you thought it was very amusing, didn’t you?”
Severus’s breath washed over Remus’s face, and the sharp pain in his hand increased and spread in an atypically pleasant way, and something washed over Remus from head to toe. In an instant, he knew what it was that had taken over him and why. He knew what Moony was looking for, hunting for, knew why he found it where he did, and knew how he was planning to claim it.
He tried to jump back, reach for his wand and Disapparate, but Severus didn’t seem to have an intention of letting go. His anger was evident and overflowing, and it was triggering something inside Remus he knew he wouldn’t be able to control another minute.
“Severus, listen to me,” Remus gasped, still struggling for freedom. “Get away from me right now!” As Severus rewarded the suggestion with a dark smile, Remus got more frantic. “Look, you can punish me later, however you want. You can hand me over to St.Mungo’s mental ward if you want, anything, but you have to get away from me right now.”
Severus exhaled with a dry laugh and was about to remark when Remus lost control. Twisting his wrist around to grab hold of Severus’s, he pulled him forward as teeth clashed painfully and loudly, and the scent that overpowered Remus’s nostrils intoxicated him. His mind had shut off. Moony was hunting and he found a mate. As the air rung with the sound of ripping clothing and a muffled gasp, Remus knew there was no going back.
~*~
Remus came to as if from a dream, grabbing aimlessly at air with his mind, trying to understand where he was and why and not succeeding. The first thing he felt was being cold and his back aching. The next was the overpowering scent of grass. Opening his eyes slowly, he could see stars. The realization that he was lying naked on a lawn during a cold night without any recollection of the events that his circumstances resulted from came soon after. He felt exactly the way he did when he woke up after turning - sore and scared of what he may have done but not being able to remember. A frantic ravaging of his brains told him that the full moon was yet way off.
He rolled over slowly and felt like a scream had meant to escape and died in his throat, making his short of breath. His eyes roved over the pale, naked body of the unmoving man beside him. Severus’s eyes were closed, and his body was covered in bruises. Slowly, the events of the night before came back to him torturously slowly, detail by detail.
Panicking, he seized the other man’s shoulder and shook him frantically, making Severus’s head bob up and down until he finally sat up, looking around with cloudy eyes before grabbing Remus’s hands and throwing them off, the disorientation immediately replaced by anger in his now more than alert eyes.
“You’re not dead,” Remus muttered.
Severus made a face and scowled. “Appears I am not. Were you having a bet with yourself of whether I would or would not die of a heart attack if you woke me up like that? I’m sorry to disappoint.”
They were both sitting up now, completely nude, measuring each other with intent looks. It seemed there was little to say or do, but Remus found his voice first, though it trembled.
He reached out a hand and gently traced a blue bruise above Severus’s right nipple. He could feel goose bumps spreading on the soft skin beneath his fingers at the touch.
“Did I do that?” he almost whispered.
“Not the kind of place I could or would have bitten myself, is it?” Severus asked sarcastically, though the usual bite and venom were conspicuously absent from his harsh words.
“I... forced you,” Remus murmured, looking up into Severus’s eyes, which were focused intently on him. “Did you fight?”
“Fight?” Severus scoffed. “I felt like I was mauled by a hundred furious Hippogriffs.” Severus looked thoughtfully at Remus as he flinched and then added, “My wand was in my hand. At one point, it was pointed directly at your head. I could’ve stopped you. Don’t go around thinking you raped me. That would be the day.”
“You didn’t say yes.”
“I didn’t say no. You weren’t going to stop if I didn’t make you. I could see what was driving you - who was driving you. I knew there was no stopping you then. I had a window when I had to decide whether I was going to make you stop. I didn’t take it. Later on, I couldn’t. And if I could... I wouldn’t have.”
Remus was taken aback by Severus’s calm honesty. The wolf inside was silent, but his body yearned to do what he usually felt like doing after having sex. But it would be inappropriate.
“You should go,” Severus said suddenly. The harsh edge was back.
“Go?” Remus looked up at him in surprise.
“What else are we going to do? Sit around and talk about this? What happened happened. It’s not going to happen again. Werewolves find a desirable mate, have it no matter what, and then move on. You don’t have to worry about him taking over your mind again in regards to me, I’d wager. And,” he hurried to add when Remus opened his mouth to speak, “you did not rape me, so spare yourself and everyone else the guilt-ridden drama trip. We’ll forget this ever happened.”
Remus considered. The wolf was quiet, but for the first time he was beginning to understand the balance inside himself. What happened and why, but also what lay ahead. Severus was looking at him expectantly, obviously waiting for him to leave, but Remus had more to say.
“I don’t want to forget this ever happened,” he said firmly.
Severus raised a brow in surprise. “Again, no one needs your guilt and -”
“It’s not that. You were right, and I knew that. It was Moony that wanted you, that hunted you, that claimed you. I think it would be easy to write it off as something I never wanted, pretend it’s as bad as doing something like this drunk or under a temporary insanity spell, but while it would be easier, it would also be equally untrue. It doesn’t work like that. Moony is a part of me. He is everything about myself I am ashamed of, I despise, I repress. But yet he and what he does and what he wants is still me.” Remus shifted uncomfortably. “You won’t be surprised to know that if any part of me ever wanted you, whenever that started and however long it’s been going on, it would be pushed back with the rest of the unpleasant crazy things in my life I’d rather not deal with. Along with Moony.”
Severus scowled and got up, looking for something to wrap around himself but finding little aside from shredded pieces of cloth. “It’s as typical a thing as any to hear from you,” he growled. “I am along the same line as lycanthropy - a repulsive impossible thought. So don’t start thinking on it now. Shove it back to the discreet corners of your mind and spare yourself the unpleasantness of dealing with it. That is certainly what I am planning to do.”
He was off towards the house, but Remus was on his feet in a beat, cutting him off and wrapping his arms around Severus, pinning him to his body to prevent escape.
“We hide things at the back of our minds so well sometime that we don’t even know what’s there. But once we find out, there’s no putting them back there. They’re out in the open and we have to deal with them.”
Severus’s eyes became weary, though his body relaxed a little in Remus’s arms. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to invite me into your home before my private parts jump back up into my body from the cold,” Remus started. “I want you to invite me to your bed where we can get a good night’s sleep, and then I want us to get up in the morning and possibly be with each other again, and then talk about this indeed. I don’t blame you if you want to dismiss it and never do it again, but at least give it a small chance first. At least let’s discuss this before we decide anything.” He cocked his head. “We’re adults now, after all. We’re not young boys. And it’s only the two of us here right now.”
Remus let go and stepped back. Severus’s face was impenetrable, but it was evident he was thinking. Finally, rolling his eyes, he turned and walked towards the house, motioning for Remus to follow him.
Remus smiled. With Severus, such a small victory didn’t guarantee anything. It didn’t mean anything at all, in fact. But he thought he had a chance. Perhaps if Moony could convince Severus to submit, Remus could perhaps convince Severus for one date. He always thought himself rather much more pleasant than Moony. It remained to be seen.
~*~
Author: midnight_birth
Giftee: soda_and_capes
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5,914
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Author/Artist's Notes: Please note that there is some mild violence and mention of what could possibly be construed as mild dub-con in this work, as well as some slightly dark themes. Severus’s and Remus’s deaths have been disregarded (as well as the Tonks and baby fiasco). Dear soda_and_capes, I enjoyed writing this for you. I hope you enjoy it, and I really hope I pulled off at least some elements you were hoping for.
Summary: Remus has been dealing with the wolf inside him his whole life, and has come to co-exist with him in more or less harmony. He’s at a loss, however, when even outside the full moon, the wolf inside him suddenly starts hunting and yearning. And the person Moony wants is the last person Remus could have imagined.
~*~
“Coffee?”
Harry offered Remus a steaming cup and Remus smiled appreciatively. He would have much rather preferred tea, but lurking in Harry’s cupboards had already proven fruitless in that respect. Harry only drank coffee. Harry also didn’t cook, didn’t own the most rudimentary kitchen appliances, and hadn’t bothered to memorize many cleaning charms. It was, in reality, a typical twenty-year-old bloke’s flat. Remus had almost forgotten what it felt like to be so young.
In Harry’s defence, of course, he didn’t spend a lot of time at home. Whereas Remus spent most days in his little house over the last couple of years, making it the perfect abode, Harry used his flat as a place to sleep. His Auror internship didn’t leave much room for loafing about, and the free time he did have he spent with Ginny (who, as Remus understood, didn’t fancy spending much time over at Harry’s place).
Harry, however, was leaving on an assignment in two days, and Remus had decided to make Harry’s place a pleasant place to live in while he was away, in return for letting him stay there while his new house was being renovated. Remus considered that time well-spend. Harry’s flat was big and quiet, and he enjoyed cleaning and decorating. During the evening, he looked forward to curling up in front of the fireplace with a book and a cup of tea, and generally construed the short stay at Harry’s a nice vacation from the ordinary. He still had a month before Hogwarts opened again to rest and recharge for what promised to be a challenging school year, and he was glad to be able to have some change in his usual very routine-structured life.
“I should have asked whether you’d prefer tea,” Harry said apologetically, taking a seat across from Remus. “I went out and picked some up this morning.”
Remus smiled. “You didn’t have to, really. I was going to pick some up myself tonight.”
Harry frowned. A frown, Remus noted to himself, which rather reminded him of a pout. “It’s a good thing you didn’t. I don’t actually like tea, but I buy some every month on the third Saturday because Sna-Severus will not touch anything else. He likes only specific types of tea, though.” Harry chuckled. “He’s always in a sour mood, I don’t think he particularly likes spending time with me, but the tea placates him some. Maybe you being here will liven it up a little.”
Remus furrowed his brows as the meaning sunk in. “Severus is coming here? Tonight?”
“Didn’t I mention?” Harry smiled slyly. “Must have slipped my mind. We have dinner together every month. Third Saturday.” Remus couldn’t hold in a groan and Harry adopted a stern look. “Now, Remus, you two have to get along now. It’s been years, and after all he did, I think we owe him a little patience.” When Remus didn’t look at all convinced, Harry added, “Besides, he’s been sending you the Wolfsbane potion every month for two years now. You must have forged some kind of contact.”
Remus sighed. Harry was right in thinking that after a constant contact that long something would develop between them. It seemed only natural, but “natural” was not the way with Severus. Severus’s two grumpy owls came on the same day of the month with a cauldron, dropped it off carefully on his doorstep or on his table, if the window happened to be open, and left without giving Remus a chance to attach a reply. Not that Remus ever tried. There was no card and no note of any kind, so while Remus felt slightly guilty for not sending back any token of appreciation, it was more than evident that Severus did not desire one. It seemed that by not acknowledging the act at all, they had a sort of understanding.
Remus always told himself that if he met Severus in person, he would thank him. He tried once, at a Christmas party, but Severus shrugged and mumbled something and walked away before Remus could really get through it all. Since then, rare occasions that they did find each other in the same room, neither brought it up.
Remus was surprised to be receiving the packages from Severus at all. Now that the war was over and he was a war hero, finally allowed to go back to Hogwarts and be a teacher starting next year, the fact that he needed Wolfsbane potion wasn’t a secret. While he couldn’t brew it himself for lack of superior skills in the subject, it could be easily accessible to him. But almost as soon as Remus had settled down in his little house outside of Hogsmeade, the packages started coming, and Remus accepted them without questioning. Perhaps someone had asked Severus on his behalf. Or perhaps it was a part of Severus’s much-treasured routine. He didn’t want to know.
When Remus looked up and saw Harry looking at him expectantly, he shrugged. “Our connection has long ago been forged and set in stone, Harry. These grudges don’t go away. I’ve hurt him a lot in our younger days; the four of us had an incredible impact on his life and the person he became. The man cannot stand me. There is nothing to salvage in our case. All I can do is not force myself on him out of some kind of sick sense of regret.” Remus sighed when Harry’s face became sad and serious. “Don’t think me neither better than I am, nor worse. I am thankful for everything he has done, but I do not want to spend time with him because his dislike towards me is more than mutual. It’s not out of respect for him, exactly, that I do not want to be in his company. I’m not so unselfish. Does he know I’m going to be here?”
Harry twirled the spoon in his fingers and averted his eyes.
“Harry?”
“Just one dinner. Please?” Harry’s voice took Remus aback. All the youthfulness Remus was admiring just a moment ago was gone. Harry sounded too grown up for his age all of a sudden, his voice full of concern and worry.
“You want to tell me what it’s all about?” Remus asked, putting his cup on the table. “For some reason, you seem to think this is a good idea. Have you heard anything I said? Have you seen us in a room together?”
“Alright.” Harry ran his hand through his hair nervously. “Severus has saved my life many times. He’s done more for me than I can ever repay him for. But it is the truth that he’s always despised me, and I’ve always despised him just as fervently. And, truth be told, I don’t think he wants anything repaid. I think he wants everyone to leave him alone.” Harry cleared his throat as Remus nodded encouragingly. “I started having tea with him every month only because Professor McGonagall asked me to.”
“Minerva asked you to do this?”
“She did. She said she was worried about him. He doesn’t care about anything, and though it may seem typical to me, she said he’d always had something to care about. He doesn’t speak with anyone. Without much human contact she’s afraid he’s going to crack.” Harry scoffed. “And she made it seem that because of his... strong feelings for me, I’d be able to break him out of it. Bring the old Snape back. It was the least I could do for him, so I agreed. And it only shows how much he’s changing by the fact that he agreed to it, and he comes every month. Minerva’s right. It can’t be good for him. But...there’s nothing I can do. He doesn’t really speak to me.”
“And you think there’s something I can do?” Remus shook his head. “Harry, this is really not my métier by far and -”
“You’re one of the only people that still connects him to his life. You’re from his past. You were also torn out of clutches of death, thrown into a world you had made peace with leaving.” Harry shifted in his seat nervously. “And you told me you were... lonely sometimes. Maybe you would have an easier time of it?”
The reasons behind Harry’s plight suddenly became very clear to Remus, and he put his head into his hands. Harry was of course right that out of the two of them, Harry was not the one most likely to understand Severus. But it wasn’t understanding that Harry was aiming for. Remus had seen it happen to Sirius, who had much more than Severus ever did even in his last years, and he knew first-hand, so he knew that getting through to Severus wasn’t going to be easy. In fact, it probably wasn’t possible. Not from one dinner, especially. On top of that, it probably wasn’t necessary. His whole life, Severus lived with a clear and important purpose in mind. Now that it no longer existed, Severus could resort to what he no doubt wanted all along - solitude and peace to brood and stay true to his instincts.
But Remus could see it there in Harry’s eyes - something he had seen many times before. The guilt, the duty, the desperate need to save, protect, and be just. The responsibility was pushed on him, yes, but with years it had become ingrained. He felt he owed Severus, and when the possibility presented to repay, he couldn’t pass it by, whether it needed to be or not. Remus couldn’t bring himself to look into Harry’s eyes and tell him that some wounds couldn’t be healed. That some things couldn’t be made right, and not everyone got happily ever after just because the war ended. But Harry didn’t need to learn that truth if it didn’t insist on being learned. He had his whole life ahead of him and a world to rebuild. He needed hope and a belief that everything could turn out ok. That everything and everyone could be fixed with love and effort.
“Fine,” Remus conceded. “One dinner. Don’t expect anything from me.”
Harry seemed excited. “I don’t. Just a change of pace. Someone new to talk to at least once before school starts would be great for him.”
Remus smiled. It wouldn’t make a difference. But Remus knew something of debt, too. It would make Harry feel better, and it was the least Remus could do for him. He owed him to pretend to try.
~*~
It started the moment Remus opened the door. Severus looked surprised for a moment before he sneered at him, and Remus reeled as if slapped and doubled over. While Harry was bustling in the kitchen with the dishes, Remus wasn’t sure what happened in the corridor. On an instinct, Severus seemed to lean forward to steady Remus on his feet, but the moment Severus’s arm landed on Remus’s shoulder, Remus jumped back.
“What are you doing?” he hissed, clutching his chest and leaning on the opposite wall. Severus looked alert now, threatened, scanning the empty space between them suspiciously. Remus, meanwhile, was fumbling for his wand. “Finite Incantatem,” he gasped, waving his wand at Severus. “Finite Incantatem.”
Remus wasn’t sure what the spell he was dealing with was. He knew, of course, that in comparison to Severus, his knowledge of the Dark Arts could almost be called basic. The man invented dark spells, after all, and Remus was sure this was one of them. Which meant only Severus knew what it was and how to counter it. But he couldn’t figure out how Severus managed to cast it so quickly, and why, especially, since he wasn’t expecting to meet Remus there at all.
It was a feeling like no other. The full moon was far off, passed a week ago, in fact, but Remus was feeling similar to the way he felt upon transformation. He could feel something stirring inside his skin, taking over slowly. He had felt it once before. Once, upon turning into a wolf and curling up in a sunray in his back garden, a rabbit had landed between his paws and froze. Remus remembered distinctly his insides lurching and disgust gripping him as he was unable to resist his instinct. He was inside an animal’s body - an apex predator of the wild - and while his mind was clear, his body was following a more basic instinct. He had remembered hearing Sirius complain about having an overpowering desire to lick himself in his Animagus form and not always being able to catch himself in time, realizing how disgusting it was but still getting a strange satisfaction out of it. He also had had to prevent James from forgetting himself and trying to run at a person hitting on Lily with his head bowed on several occasions. He knew things like animal and human divide in an Animagus’s body were common - a minor influence from the animal counterpart could only be expected - but, not being an Animagus, he had never imagined he was going to have to encounter something of a sort.
Remus could not grasp why this was happening now, or how it was relating to anything. He especially couldn’t imagine how Severus had mustered up a spell so quickly that would enforce that kind of feeling. Remus didn’t consider Severus to be an impulsive man. He knew perfectly well that Severus’s dislike for him went several layers deep, but to perform a serious harmful spell without a wand and on sight in Harry’s home just didn’t make any sense.
The feeling wasn’t exactly like the instance with the rabbit, but it was definitely the wolf inside him that was reacting. Howling, scratching, baring teeth. And he was definitely reacting to Severus. Suddenly, in a flash, the feeling had released him and he was left plastered against the wall, glaring at Severus, who now had his wand out.
A moment later, Harry was grinning in the corridor, looking from one to the other nervously.
“Good to see you, Severus.” He smiled at Severus, who threw his cloak at him without taking his eyes off Remus. “”What... are you guys doing?”
Remus was recovering fast. “Severus decided to remember days long past. Appears I’m not as nostalgic for our youth as Severus may have supposed,” he mumbled and stormed to the dining room, planting himself into a chair. For a person who was supposedly in a stupor most of the time, Severus sure appeared to have kept his sense of humour. Or, rather, acquired one.
Remus found the dinner more painful than being in St.Mungo’s with a broken spine for three weeks growing, breaking and re-growing vertebrae right after the final battle. Harry tried for conversation, but Severus’s answers were short and non-committal. He indeed seemed completely out of the loop, barely reacting to the things around him at all. He did, however, throw Remus repeated suspicious looks, frowning and knitting his brows.
Harry kept throwing pleading and then increasingly more irritated looks at Remus, but Remus kept his nose buried in his plate. Something inside him was stirring again, and Remus was quick to realize that perhaps there was no spell. Perhaps the wolf was awake of its own accord. Thinking about it, Remus realized that Severus would never have used a spell to awaken the werewolf, knowing all too well the possible consequences of that, and being the one, after all, who continuously supplied him the Wolfsbane potion. Or maybe he wouldn’t intentionally?
Remus hadn’t experienced a lot of instances of being aware of the beast inside him. He was always there, yes, but slumbering. The only time Moony could take over was during blind rage, and Remus was not one for whom that was typical. That only happened exceedingly close to the full moon, too. The logician in Remus tried to understand. It had been a long while since he saw Severus last. Perhaps there was some residual anger that was too deep for Remus to fathom, but the wolf could feel? The feeling was definitely not of anger, however, though it was indeed directed specifically at Severus. But what could Remus possibly feel towards Severus that was strong enough to awaken Moony so close after the full moon, a time of his deepest sleep?
Harry seemed to give up eventually, wolfing down the food and then carrying the plates off without offering dessert. The moment Harry was out of earshot, Remus leaned over the table and collected himself.
“Severus, are you doing anything?” Severus’s long fingers wrapped around his napkin on the table suddenly seemed incredibly fascinating to Remus. “It’s funny, it’s amusing, fine. I’ll give it to you. But whatever...” Severus’s neck was too pale, Remus realized. Pale and long, and he could see (or hear? Or sense?) where the pulse was beating out its tune in his neck. “Whatever you’re doing is having a very unpleasant effect in regards to my... lycanthropy. In fact, I think it’s managed to somehow trigger the wolf to influence me, which, you’d agree, isn’t something that promises to end well. I’m sure you haven’t meant to -”
“Have your brains given out, Lupin?” Severus snapped. “I know you’re always the Marauder, thinking these things are incredibly hilarious, but I haven’t been interesting in these childish games back then, and am certainly not now.” Severus brought the cup to his lips and Remus stared as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down upon swallowing. Something inside him growled almost contentedly. “I cast no spells on you, though I certainly should’ve cast some on Potter for not informing me you’d be here and thus tricking me into having a meal with you.” Severus’s eyes were full of disgust. It was a look Remus suddenly realized he enjoyed in a way he wasn’t sure was safe to even ponder. Severus measured him with a hard look. “The full moon has just passed, Lupin. It’s a new moon now. Your lycanthropy cannot be an issue. The werewolf doesn’t exist outside of the full moon.”
“Exists,” Remus replied shortly. “Just asleep, waiting. But it’s not -”
“I suggest you lay off the Firewhiskey,” Severus drawled with a cruel smirk. He got up and grabbed his cloak off the back of a chair where Harry had thrown it. “And perhaps double your Wolfsbane intake.”
“I suppose you should make me twice as much next time, then,” Remus fired.
He didn’t know why it had such an effect on Severus, and he didn’t know why something inside him knew it would and possessed him to say it in the first place, but Severus’s eyes blazed angrily before he turned on his heels and swooped out of the room. A few seconds later, the front door closed with a crash.
Harry ran back into the dining room and sighed when he saw Severus’s empty chair. He gave Remus a questioning look, but the other shrugged. When Harry continued to stare at him accusingly, Remus frowned.
“What did you expect was going to happen?” Harry’s eyes opened in surprise at the uncharacteristic sarcasm in Remus’s voice. Jumping up, Remus hurried out of the kitchen. “Forgive me, I’m... tired. I wasn’t prepared for this today. I think I should go to bed.”
Remus flew out of the kitchen made sure to turn the lock behind himself in the guest room, where he collapsed on the bed and buried his face in his hands. He needed silence to figure out what was going on with him. But silence was not what was in store for him. His breath hitched and then he froze, listening. There was not a sound in the room, but inside him, the wolf started speaking.
~*~
Remus had never even supposed that he would ever find himself teetering on the rim of insanity, but as he tiptoed stealthily past the greenhouse, he was sure that he had to make peace with the fact that he was decidedly not mentally sound anymore.
The first time he came, he convinced himself that it was out of curiosity, and necessity, really. There was something that was drawing Remus - drawing the dark part of him - and he had to find out what it was, why, and how to stop it. Every time he Apparated a block from the small, well-hidden, isolated house, he told himself it would be his last visit. He would figure it out, maybe even make himself known this time, put everything on the line, and get help. It had now been a week, and he was no closer to finding out anything. In fact, he was sure that he wasn’t ever going to at the pace he was going. He didn’t even remember why he thought it was a good idea to put a Disillusionment Charm on himself and start spying on Severus in the first place. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but had managed to go a few days being able to rationally convince himself that he wasn’t doing anything very out of the ordinary. Horrid invasion of privacy aside, he was trying to cure what was unmistakeably a malady, and not treading carefully and involving someone else in it before knowing what exactly it was Remus thought unwise.
From the time he had dinner with Severus at Harry’s place, Severus plagued his dreams - every unconscious second of them. Plagued was the word Remus knew he should use, though the wolf inside him that was responsible for those dreams had better choice words that suddenly surfaced at the top of Remus’s mind from time to time, making him close his eyes and breathe deeply, willing himself to wake up.
As usual, Remus made himself comfortable on a large rock in the back yard, muttering the charms and waving his wand at himself, settling in for a long stay. At the exact anticipated time, Severus emerged on his back porch, wrapping his cloak tight around himself, and then seated himself on a bench not far from where Remus was frozen in place. Every morning for at least two hours, Severus sat on the bench, not doing anything, and Remus observed him.
He didn’t know what he hoped to find out that way, but the moment Severus found a comfortable position and sank into complete stillness, Remus’s logical mind was gone. It went into slumber, being replaced by something that Remus couldn’t quite even name anymore. It was the wolf, in part, but at the same time it was him - intelligent, conscious, aware, and calculating. In a few scary and startling hypotheses that Remus presented to himself, he supposed it could be what was merged inside him - man and wolf. Domestic and wild.
From almost infancy, Remus knew that the wolf was a part of him. But it was a disease. Something that only showed itself once a month, completely taking over anything human within him. It was a part of him, but it wasn’t a part of his humanity. He felt the same way when he started taking Wolfsbane potion and becoming a wolf and keeping conscious. He was a man, and though in a wolf’s body, subject to the wolf’s instinct sometimes, it wasn’t a balance. Now, for the first time in his life, he felt that the wolf and man within him were somehow connected and cooperating, and he couldn’t figure out what would trigger that unheard of phenomenon. Why Severus, of all people, would be involved in it in any way.
The wolf knew, of course, but Remus didn’t want to listen. Admitting it out loud would be voicing something he couldn’t accept. He knew very well that he wasn’t helping himself by coming back and observing Severus. But he observed. As if riveted, he memorized the way Severus’s chest rose and fell with every breath. The way his Adam’s apple slowly moved with every swallow. The way his hand constantly played with and kneaded the material of his cloak when his mind was far away, pondering Merlin knew what. He found he could observe for hours. It felt natural to him, and he was sure, when caught up in the moment, that it was something he was supposed to be doing.
Today was somehow different, however. Severus didn’t fall into the desired stillness of his usual routine. His mind seemed focused, not intending to wander. He seemed almost nervous, jumpy, and it translated to Remus. He could feel the way that every fibre of Severus’s body tensed every few minutes, and his eyes darted around the garden, as if expecting something to jump out at him at any moment.
He had shifted uncomfortably on his rock for thousandth time in sync with Severus when the latter suddenly jumped up, pointed his wand about fifteen metres from where Remus was sitting, and muttered something, his voice steady and his hand unwavering.
With horror, Remus felt the cool sensation of his Disillusionment Charm trickle down his body, and almost immediately Severus’s eyes snapped to his. The long silence and stillness that followed was nothing like the one Remus had gotten used to. It was heavy and expectant. He could feel his heart thumping in his throat, but it was as if he could feel a second heart-beat in his chest. A heart-beat that beat slowly. Remus felt the impossible duality - his adrenaline was pumping, but he was calm, he was ready to take off at a run while at the same time challenging himself and Severus.
Finally, Severus lowered his wand, quickly walked over to the rock and yanked Remus off it, seizing him by the wrist painfully. Roughly, he pulled him forward until they were standing face to face, Severus’s nose inches away from Remus’s.
“I’ve heard you,” Severus hissed. “Each day I heard you. I thought I was going insane, imagining that I was being stalked and followed.” He shook him roughly and sunk his nails deeper into Remus’s wrist. “You thought it would be funny, didn’t you? You knew it’s in my nightmares, that I hear them regardless of whether they’re there or not, or whether they can ever be! I bet you thought it was very amusing, didn’t you?”
Severus’s breath washed over Remus’s face, and the sharp pain in his hand increased and spread in an atypically pleasant way, and something washed over Remus from head to toe. In an instant, he knew what it was that had taken over him and why. He knew what Moony was looking for, hunting for, knew why he found it where he did, and knew how he was planning to claim it.
He tried to jump back, reach for his wand and Disapparate, but Severus didn’t seem to have an intention of letting go. His anger was evident and overflowing, and it was triggering something inside Remus he knew he wouldn’t be able to control another minute.
“Severus, listen to me,” Remus gasped, still struggling for freedom. “Get away from me right now!” As Severus rewarded the suggestion with a dark smile, Remus got more frantic. “Look, you can punish me later, however you want. You can hand me over to St.Mungo’s mental ward if you want, anything, but you have to get away from me right now.”
Severus exhaled with a dry laugh and was about to remark when Remus lost control. Twisting his wrist around to grab hold of Severus’s, he pulled him forward as teeth clashed painfully and loudly, and the scent that overpowered Remus’s nostrils intoxicated him. His mind had shut off. Moony was hunting and he found a mate. As the air rung with the sound of ripping clothing and a muffled gasp, Remus knew there was no going back.
~*~
Remus came to as if from a dream, grabbing aimlessly at air with his mind, trying to understand where he was and why and not succeeding. The first thing he felt was being cold and his back aching. The next was the overpowering scent of grass. Opening his eyes slowly, he could see stars. The realization that he was lying naked on a lawn during a cold night without any recollection of the events that his circumstances resulted from came soon after. He felt exactly the way he did when he woke up after turning - sore and scared of what he may have done but not being able to remember. A frantic ravaging of his brains told him that the full moon was yet way off.
He rolled over slowly and felt like a scream had meant to escape and died in his throat, making his short of breath. His eyes roved over the pale, naked body of the unmoving man beside him. Severus’s eyes were closed, and his body was covered in bruises. Slowly, the events of the night before came back to him torturously slowly, detail by detail.
Panicking, he seized the other man’s shoulder and shook him frantically, making Severus’s head bob up and down until he finally sat up, looking around with cloudy eyes before grabbing Remus’s hands and throwing them off, the disorientation immediately replaced by anger in his now more than alert eyes.
“You’re not dead,” Remus muttered.
Severus made a face and scowled. “Appears I am not. Were you having a bet with yourself of whether I would or would not die of a heart attack if you woke me up like that? I’m sorry to disappoint.”
They were both sitting up now, completely nude, measuring each other with intent looks. It seemed there was little to say or do, but Remus found his voice first, though it trembled.
He reached out a hand and gently traced a blue bruise above Severus’s right nipple. He could feel goose bumps spreading on the soft skin beneath his fingers at the touch.
“Did I do that?” he almost whispered.
“Not the kind of place I could or would have bitten myself, is it?” Severus asked sarcastically, though the usual bite and venom were conspicuously absent from his harsh words.
“I... forced you,” Remus murmured, looking up into Severus’s eyes, which were focused intently on him. “Did you fight?”
“Fight?” Severus scoffed. “I felt like I was mauled by a hundred furious Hippogriffs.” Severus looked thoughtfully at Remus as he flinched and then added, “My wand was in my hand. At one point, it was pointed directly at your head. I could’ve stopped you. Don’t go around thinking you raped me. That would be the day.”
“You didn’t say yes.”
“I didn’t say no. You weren’t going to stop if I didn’t make you. I could see what was driving you - who was driving you. I knew there was no stopping you then. I had a window when I had to decide whether I was going to make you stop. I didn’t take it. Later on, I couldn’t. And if I could... I wouldn’t have.”
Remus was taken aback by Severus’s calm honesty. The wolf inside was silent, but his body yearned to do what he usually felt like doing after having sex. But it would be inappropriate.
“You should go,” Severus said suddenly. The harsh edge was back.
“Go?” Remus looked up at him in surprise.
“What else are we going to do? Sit around and talk about this? What happened happened. It’s not going to happen again. Werewolves find a desirable mate, have it no matter what, and then move on. You don’t have to worry about him taking over your mind again in regards to me, I’d wager. And,” he hurried to add when Remus opened his mouth to speak, “you did not rape me, so spare yourself and everyone else the guilt-ridden drama trip. We’ll forget this ever happened.”
Remus considered. The wolf was quiet, but for the first time he was beginning to understand the balance inside himself. What happened and why, but also what lay ahead. Severus was looking at him expectantly, obviously waiting for him to leave, but Remus had more to say.
“I don’t want to forget this ever happened,” he said firmly.
Severus raised a brow in surprise. “Again, no one needs your guilt and -”
“It’s not that. You were right, and I knew that. It was Moony that wanted you, that hunted you, that claimed you. I think it would be easy to write it off as something I never wanted, pretend it’s as bad as doing something like this drunk or under a temporary insanity spell, but while it would be easier, it would also be equally untrue. It doesn’t work like that. Moony is a part of me. He is everything about myself I am ashamed of, I despise, I repress. But yet he and what he does and what he wants is still me.” Remus shifted uncomfortably. “You won’t be surprised to know that if any part of me ever wanted you, whenever that started and however long it’s been going on, it would be pushed back with the rest of the unpleasant crazy things in my life I’d rather not deal with. Along with Moony.”
Severus scowled and got up, looking for something to wrap around himself but finding little aside from shredded pieces of cloth. “It’s as typical a thing as any to hear from you,” he growled. “I am along the same line as lycanthropy - a repulsive impossible thought. So don’t start thinking on it now. Shove it back to the discreet corners of your mind and spare yourself the unpleasantness of dealing with it. That is certainly what I am planning to do.”
He was off towards the house, but Remus was on his feet in a beat, cutting him off and wrapping his arms around Severus, pinning him to his body to prevent escape.
“We hide things at the back of our minds so well sometime that we don’t even know what’s there. But once we find out, there’s no putting them back there. They’re out in the open and we have to deal with them.”
Severus’s eyes became weary, though his body relaxed a little in Remus’s arms. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to invite me into your home before my private parts jump back up into my body from the cold,” Remus started. “I want you to invite me to your bed where we can get a good night’s sleep, and then I want us to get up in the morning and possibly be with each other again, and then talk about this indeed. I don’t blame you if you want to dismiss it and never do it again, but at least give it a small chance first. At least let’s discuss this before we decide anything.” He cocked his head. “We’re adults now, after all. We’re not young boys. And it’s only the two of us here right now.”
Remus let go and stepped back. Severus’s face was impenetrable, but it was evident he was thinking. Finally, rolling his eyes, he turned and walked towards the house, motioning for Remus to follow him.
Remus smiled. With Severus, such a small victory didn’t guarantee anything. It didn’t mean anything at all, in fact. But he thought he had a chance. Perhaps if Moony could convince Severus to submit, Remus could perhaps convince Severus for one date. He always thought himself rather much more pleasant than Moony. It remained to be seen.
~*~