VINDICATION!!!
Those of you who know me, even cordially, or who have ever eaten a meal with me, are aware of my undying and thorough hatred for all things onion-related. White onions, green onions, scallions, pearl onions, baby onions, and last but not least, LEEKS.
But those of you who know me best, know that my feelings of contempt for the onion family go deeper than distaste and general avoidance of the things. I believe, truly and deeply in my heart, that onions are a CONSPIRACY. A vast conspiracy, bridging millenia of human history and worldwide divergent cultures, just to make me, and just me, sick to my stomach.
Chinese food? They hide green onions in the middle of an otherwise-tasty crab cheese wonton. Japanese? Buried beneath the surface of my miso soup, just waiting to cling to my spoon as I lift it to my mouth. Or even more dastardly, submerged deep within the core of a delicious bite of an unagi sushi roll. WHY DO SCALLIONS NEED TO BE THERE? DOOOO NOOOTTTTT WAAAANT!!!!!
But the Dave Onion Conspiracy isn't just limited to asian cuisine. Ohhhh no. Italian, German, French, Mexican, and even good ol' American food is stuffed to the gills with it. Onions prevail in all foods worldwide, but the worst is without a doubt Middle-Eastern. I have actually attempted to ordered Middle-Eastern food sans-onion at a very nice restaurant before, only to have the chef come out from the kitchen and tell me personally that he could not serve me, since he believed so strongly in onions as a staple of his creations. No joke!
BUT TODAY, THE CONSPIRACY ENDS!!! For the first time in history, the evil, disgusting, horribly sickening nature of the beast has been exposed! I present to you, undeniable proof that, if allowed to continue infecting our world cuisine unchecked, onions will kill us all!
UNDENIABLE AND UTTERLY CONVINCING PROOF
Needless to say, every single meal for the rest of my life will be at Taco Bell, at least until other restaurants follow suit. They're the only ones who currently realize the danger that onions represent to humankind. Good thing they have a value menu, and they serve Sierra Mist beverage products. I think I'll go get myself a double-decker, grilled stuft, refried bean and beef chalupa-gordita-burrito supreme. After all, now I can eat it without worrying about my health!
But those of you who know me best, know that my feelings of contempt for the onion family go deeper than distaste and general avoidance of the things. I believe, truly and deeply in my heart, that onions are a CONSPIRACY. A vast conspiracy, bridging millenia of human history and worldwide divergent cultures, just to make me, and just me, sick to my stomach.
Chinese food? They hide green onions in the middle of an otherwise-tasty crab cheese wonton. Japanese? Buried beneath the surface of my miso soup, just waiting to cling to my spoon as I lift it to my mouth. Or even more dastardly, submerged deep within the core of a delicious bite of an unagi sushi roll. WHY DO SCALLIONS NEED TO BE THERE? DOOOO NOOOTTTTT WAAAANT!!!!!
But the Dave Onion Conspiracy isn't just limited to asian cuisine. Ohhhh no. Italian, German, French, Mexican, and even good ol' American food is stuffed to the gills with it. Onions prevail in all foods worldwide, but the worst is without a doubt Middle-Eastern. I have actually attempted to ordered Middle-Eastern food sans-onion at a very nice restaurant before, only to have the chef come out from the kitchen and tell me personally that he could not serve me, since he believed so strongly in onions as a staple of his creations. No joke!
BUT TODAY, THE CONSPIRACY ENDS!!! For the first time in history, the evil, disgusting, horribly sickening nature of the beast has been exposed! I present to you, undeniable proof that, if allowed to continue infecting our world cuisine unchecked, onions will kill us all!
UNDENIABLE AND UTTERLY CONVINCING PROOF
Needless to say, every single meal for the rest of my life will be at Taco Bell, at least until other restaurants follow suit. They're the only ones who currently realize the danger that onions represent to humankind. Good thing they have a value menu, and they serve Sierra Mist beverage products. I think I'll go get myself a double-decker, grilled stuft, refried bean and beef chalupa-gordita-burrito supreme. After all, now I can eat it without worrying about my health!