Gift Fic for Reikokatsura
Title: An Alphabet of Slash
Author: ????
Recipient: reikokatsura
Pairing(s): George/A whole bunch of guys
Word Count: 1371
Rating: R
Summary: Silly slashiness
Warnings: Bad language, George as the crackiest of mansluts, references to cross-gen, owl-and-goat-loving and hermaphroditism, although none of that is in any way graphic. Um ... just becuase I've had trouble with this in the past ... this whole fic is meant to be a JOKE.
A/N: reikokatsura , you said any slash was fine. I went with it. Many thanks to T-C for the beta work!
A
Aberforth Dumbledore slumped back on the mattress, breathing hard. Dear lord, if this was par for the course he was going to have to seriously reconsider his policy of never having sex with humans. In a daze, he watched the redhead kneeling between his legs toss his hair back and wipe his mouth.
"So," George drawled. "Now is it okay if we use your bar to get in and out of Hogwarts?"
Aberforth grunted. "Lad, anyone who can suck cock like that can bloody well use my sock drawer to breed Pygmy Puffs if he wants to!"
B
"So you're Weatherby's little brother?" Barty Crouch remarked as George pulled him into an abandoned broom closet. He'd had no idea his dad regularly got this much hot, redheaded arse. If he had known, he would have offed the old man and taken his place years ago.
"I'm his younger brother,"George corrected him, guiding his hands to his swollen crotch. "But there's nothing little about me."
C
"That's not really fair." Harry remarked, as George showed off his new Cedric Diggory Sucks badge. "I mean, it's not Cedric's fault all the Slytherins are wearing those other ones. He didn't make them or anything."
"Don't worry, Harry," George replied. "I mean it literally. Cedric Diggory sucks. And dear Lord, does he ever suck well!"
D
"I don't get why you're so disappointed," Draco whined as he watched George get dressed. "I mean, I thought everything went fine."
"Yes, fine," George snapped. "But I was expecting a bit more than fine. I mean, everyone talks about you! Where was the bondage, the sex toys, the earth-shattering orgasm so mind-blowing that I can never sleep until you're mine and only mine? Hell, where were the bloody leather pants?"
"For Merlin's sake!" Draco snapped. "You didn't really expect all that stuff, did you? That's only in fanfic!"
E
Elphias Doge moaned in pleasure. 'I don't believe it! You're better than Dumbledore!"
George shuddered. "I'm not sure if that's a compliment and I don't think I really want to know. Anyway, we better get back to the wedding."
"Wait!" Elphius held out his hand. "Can I see you again?"
George shook his head. "Don't take this the wrong way, mate, but I only hit on you because I knew it would really cheese off Aunt Muriel."
F
"I need to say it," George whispered.
"Please," Firenze begged him. "Just don't."
"I have to," George insisted. "The moment is just too perfect."
"Very well then." Firenze winced. "Let's get it over with."
"You're hung like a horse."
G
"Well, thank you very much, Goyle. Very nice shag." George smiled at the other boy while making a notation on a bit of parchment.
"Um ... I'm Crabbe. Vincent Crabbe." The boy on the bed looked hurt.
"You are? Aw, fuck. This was a waste of time then; I've already done 'C'!"
H
"This is awkward," Harry mumbled.
"A bit," George agreed.
"Don't tell Ron."
"I won't."
"Or Ginny."
"I promise."
"Or your mum. Definitely don't tell your mum."
"Harry, relax," George reassured him. "The only people that ever need to know about this are you, me and Igor Karkaroff."
"Karkaroff!" Harry stuttered. "Why does Karkaroff have to know?"
"Well, he's waiting right outside; he'll see you leave. I need him for 'I'."
I
"Was that Harry Potter who just left here?" Karkaroff asked.
"Yup," George confirmed. "He was 'H'."
J
"All we really know about you is that you're a Gryffindor Beater," George remarked. "So for the purpose of this fic, is it okay if you're a raging sex god?"
Jimmy Peakes looked down at his twelve-inch erection. "Fine by me, mate!"
K
"Karkaroff again?" Harry asked, as the Bulgarian man slipped through the portrait hole. "Do you really like him or something?"
"Not especially," George admitted. "But I kind of drew a blank for 'K'."
L
"This feels ... uncreative," George complained. "I mean, the sex was great and all, but you'd think I'd be able to come up with something a little more original than this."
Lee shrugged. "Mate, it's the letter 'L'. It's either me or Lucius Malfoy."
"Fair point," George replied. "And I bet he's just as mediocre as his son."
M
George couldn't wait to get to the shower and get the stink of Marcus Flint off of him. Seriously, with the acne, and the back hair, and the hairy back acne, he'd almost given up. But he was determined to get the full alphabet.
"Aw, shit!" He could have kicked himself as Michael Corner walked by. 'Why didn't I think of him?"
N
"I can't make some cheesy joke about you,"George murmured into Neville's neck. "You're just too damn cute. So it's going to be up to you to provide the humour here."
Neville thought for a moment. "Okay ... um ... wanna stroke my Mimbulus Mimbletonia? It can really shoot!"
"Not bad for a newbie," George admitted.
O
"Oh!" George moaned. "Your wand is so hard and rigid!"
Ollivander frowned. "Do you always go for the worst pun available?"
George glared at him. "I gave up the chance to boink Oliver Wood to make sexy wand jokes. You're going to listen and you're going to like them!"
P
"This is weird," George complained.
"Hey, you need a 'P'," Fred reminded him.
"Yeah, but..."
"And he's cute, in a way."
"No arguments there, but still..."
"Young, enthusiastic, full of energy-"
"I know, I know! But can we honestly not think of anyone better than Pigwidgeon???"
Q
"Can I ask you a personal question?," George inquired.
"Well, possibly," Quirrell replied. "There are some things I cannot share with you, some dark secrets I can never reve-"
"That's all good and well,"George interrupted him. "I just want to know if the other face that you're hiding under your turban is any better at sucking cock than you are."
R
"Take your pants off now," George ordered. "Right this minute!"
Roger Davies laughed. "Impatient, aren't you?"
"Do you want to know what I had to do for 'Q'? Or for 'P'??? You're actually hot. Now come on! Pants off!"
S
"I don't know about this," Scorpius confessed. "I mean, when this fic is set, am I even born yet?"
"I honestly don't give a shit at this point," George answered. "I just need someone for 'S', and I'm not shagging Snape!"
T
"So," George asked. "Terry. Is that short for Theresa?"
"Terrence," Terry Boot replied. "Why?"
"Perfect!" George smiled in relief. "I'm working on this slash alphabet. Fancy a fuck?"
U
"I don't get it," George stammered, staring at Professor Umbridge's swollen cock. "Since when are you a man?"
"Since you needed a 'U', Mr. Weasley," S/he replied. "Now get to work on this or I'll give you lines!"
V
"So tell me", Voldemort purred. "Am I better at sucking cock than Quirrell?
W
George cocked his head at the boy in the doorway. "You look just like Jimmy Peakes."
His visitor shrugged. "Well, we're both name-only characters, so we all tend to look alike. I'm definitely Wayne Hopkins though; I checked."
"Have you also got the twelve-inch..."
"Yup."
"Awesome! Get in here, Wayne!"
X
"So that's 'X' sorted for you," Xenophilius said cheerfully as he zipped up his trousers. "Hope it wasn't too traumatic."
George shuddered. "Trust me, after 'U', it's going to take a lot more than this to traumatise me!"
Y
"I'm not doing it." George folded his arms. "I'm not fucking Yaxley."
The Mystery Author fought the urge to smash the monitor. "But you need a 'Y'."
"I don't care. Find someone else."
"I'll tell you what." The Mystery Author was at the end of her tether. "You can go through seven extremely long novels and try and find another man whose name starts with 'Y', okay? I'll wait here. Tell me when you've got someone."
George pouted. "Fine. But he gets five minutes and he doesn't get to come."
Z
"Well done!" Zacharius Smith cheered. "You've completed your slash alphabet! What now? Are you going to do a het one?"
"Are you kidding me?" George groaned. "I've just had sex twenty-six times in less than 1400 words! I need a nap!"
Author: ????
Recipient: reikokatsura
Pairing(s): George/A whole bunch of guys
Word Count: 1371
Rating: R
Summary: Silly slashiness
Warnings: Bad language, George as the crackiest of mansluts, references to cross-gen, owl-and-goat-loving and hermaphroditism, although none of that is in any way graphic. Um ... just becuase I've had trouble with this in the past ... this whole fic is meant to be a JOKE.
A/N: reikokatsura , you said any slash was fine. I went with it. Many thanks to T-C for the beta work!
A
Aberforth Dumbledore slumped back on the mattress, breathing hard. Dear lord, if this was par for the course he was going to have to seriously reconsider his policy of never having sex with humans. In a daze, he watched the redhead kneeling between his legs toss his hair back and wipe his mouth.
"So," George drawled. "Now is it okay if we use your bar to get in and out of Hogwarts?"
Aberforth grunted. "Lad, anyone who can suck cock like that can bloody well use my sock drawer to breed Pygmy Puffs if he wants to!"
B
"So you're Weatherby's little brother?" Barty Crouch remarked as George pulled him into an abandoned broom closet. He'd had no idea his dad regularly got this much hot, redheaded arse. If he had known, he would have offed the old man and taken his place years ago.
"I'm his younger brother,"George corrected him, guiding his hands to his swollen crotch. "But there's nothing little about me."
C
"That's not really fair." Harry remarked, as George showed off his new Cedric Diggory Sucks badge. "I mean, it's not Cedric's fault all the Slytherins are wearing those other ones. He didn't make them or anything."
"Don't worry, Harry," George replied. "I mean it literally. Cedric Diggory sucks. And dear Lord, does he ever suck well!"
D
"I don't get why you're so disappointed," Draco whined as he watched George get dressed. "I mean, I thought everything went fine."
"Yes, fine," George snapped. "But I was expecting a bit more than fine. I mean, everyone talks about you! Where was the bondage, the sex toys, the earth-shattering orgasm so mind-blowing that I can never sleep until you're mine and only mine? Hell, where were the bloody leather pants?"
"For Merlin's sake!" Draco snapped. "You didn't really expect all that stuff, did you? That's only in fanfic!"
E
Elphias Doge moaned in pleasure. 'I don't believe it! You're better than Dumbledore!"
George shuddered. "I'm not sure if that's a compliment and I don't think I really want to know. Anyway, we better get back to the wedding."
"Wait!" Elphius held out his hand. "Can I see you again?"
George shook his head. "Don't take this the wrong way, mate, but I only hit on you because I knew it would really cheese off Aunt Muriel."
F
"I need to say it," George whispered.
"Please," Firenze begged him. "Just don't."
"I have to," George insisted. "The moment is just too perfect."
"Very well then." Firenze winced. "Let's get it over with."
"You're hung like a horse."
G
"Well, thank you very much, Goyle. Very nice shag." George smiled at the other boy while making a notation on a bit of parchment.
"Um ... I'm Crabbe. Vincent Crabbe." The boy on the bed looked hurt.
"You are? Aw, fuck. This was a waste of time then; I've already done 'C'!"
H
"This is awkward," Harry mumbled.
"A bit," George agreed.
"Don't tell Ron."
"I won't."
"Or Ginny."
"I promise."
"Or your mum. Definitely don't tell your mum."
"Harry, relax," George reassured him. "The only people that ever need to know about this are you, me and Igor Karkaroff."
"Karkaroff!" Harry stuttered. "Why does Karkaroff have to know?"
"Well, he's waiting right outside; he'll see you leave. I need him for 'I'."
I
"Was that Harry Potter who just left here?" Karkaroff asked.
"Yup," George confirmed. "He was 'H'."
J
"All we really know about you is that you're a Gryffindor Beater," George remarked. "So for the purpose of this fic, is it okay if you're a raging sex god?"
Jimmy Peakes looked down at his twelve-inch erection. "Fine by me, mate!"
K
"Karkaroff again?" Harry asked, as the Bulgarian man slipped through the portrait hole. "Do you really like him or something?"
"Not especially," George admitted. "But I kind of drew a blank for 'K'."
L
"This feels ... uncreative," George complained. "I mean, the sex was great and all, but you'd think I'd be able to come up with something a little more original than this."
Lee shrugged. "Mate, it's the letter 'L'. It's either me or Lucius Malfoy."
"Fair point," George replied. "And I bet he's just as mediocre as his son."
M
George couldn't wait to get to the shower and get the stink of Marcus Flint off of him. Seriously, with the acne, and the back hair, and the hairy back acne, he'd almost given up. But he was determined to get the full alphabet.
"Aw, shit!" He could have kicked himself as Michael Corner walked by. 'Why didn't I think of him?"
N
"I can't make some cheesy joke about you,"George murmured into Neville's neck. "You're just too damn cute. So it's going to be up to you to provide the humour here."
Neville thought for a moment. "Okay ... um ... wanna stroke my Mimbulus Mimbletonia? It can really shoot!"
"Not bad for a newbie," George admitted.
O
"Oh!" George moaned. "Your wand is so hard and rigid!"
Ollivander frowned. "Do you always go for the worst pun available?"
George glared at him. "I gave up the chance to boink Oliver Wood to make sexy wand jokes. You're going to listen and you're going to like them!"
P
"This is weird," George complained.
"Hey, you need a 'P'," Fred reminded him.
"Yeah, but..."
"And he's cute, in a way."
"No arguments there, but still..."
"Young, enthusiastic, full of energy-"
"I know, I know! But can we honestly not think of anyone better than Pigwidgeon???"
Q
"Can I ask you a personal question?," George inquired.
"Well, possibly," Quirrell replied. "There are some things I cannot share with you, some dark secrets I can never reve-"
"That's all good and well,"George interrupted him. "I just want to know if the other face that you're hiding under your turban is any better at sucking cock than you are."
R
"Take your pants off now," George ordered. "Right this minute!"
Roger Davies laughed. "Impatient, aren't you?"
"Do you want to know what I had to do for 'Q'? Or for 'P'??? You're actually hot. Now come on! Pants off!"
S
"I don't know about this," Scorpius confessed. "I mean, when this fic is set, am I even born yet?"
"I honestly don't give a shit at this point," George answered. "I just need someone for 'S', and I'm not shagging Snape!"
T
"So," George asked. "Terry. Is that short for Theresa?"
"Terrence," Terry Boot replied. "Why?"
"Perfect!" George smiled in relief. "I'm working on this slash alphabet. Fancy a fuck?"
U
"I don't get it," George stammered, staring at Professor Umbridge's swollen cock. "Since when are you a man?"
"Since you needed a 'U', Mr. Weasley," S/he replied. "Now get to work on this or I'll give you lines!"
V
"So tell me", Voldemort purred. "Am I better at sucking cock than Quirrell?
W
George cocked his head at the boy in the doorway. "You look just like Jimmy Peakes."
His visitor shrugged. "Well, we're both name-only characters, so we all tend to look alike. I'm definitely Wayne Hopkins though; I checked."
"Have you also got the twelve-inch..."
"Yup."
"Awesome! Get in here, Wayne!"
X
"So that's 'X' sorted for you," Xenophilius said cheerfully as he zipped up his trousers. "Hope it wasn't too traumatic."
George shuddered. "Trust me, after 'U', it's going to take a lot more than this to traumatise me!"
Y
"I'm not doing it." George folded his arms. "I'm not fucking Yaxley."
The Mystery Author fought the urge to smash the monitor. "But you need a 'Y'."
"I don't care. Find someone else."
"I'll tell you what." The Mystery Author was at the end of her tether. "You can go through seven extremely long novels and try and find another man whose name starts with 'Y', okay? I'll wait here. Tell me when you've got someone."
George pouted. "Fine. But he gets five minutes and he doesn't get to come."
Z
"Well done!" Zacharius Smith cheered. "You've completed your slash alphabet! What now? Are you going to do a het one?"
"Are you kidding me?" George groaned. "I've just had sex twenty-six times in less than 1400 words! I need a nap!"