[HP Spring Fling 2011] Coming Back to Life Again - A gift for the community
Title: Coming Back to Life Again
Author: vipersweb
Recipient: hp_spring_fling
Pairings: Lily/James (past), Lily/Regulus
Rating PG
Word Count: 8,400
Warnings: canon character death
Summary: After Voldemort’s death, Lily finds herself adrift and trying to survive in a Wizarding world bound in tradition. Together with the Marauders and Regulus Black, she manages to find herself again.
Author’s Notes: Thanks to my beta, MM who went above and beyond with this. I hope you enjoy!
After… after she buries James and after she puts her life back together (or tries) and after she’s moved from that awful place and after the trials are all over and after the war is over (but is it?), Lily becomes Lily Evans again.
Except she’s not Lily Evans, hasn’t been for a few years now and taking back the name of her parents (Muggles and not witches or wizards with a long distinguished line) will not change that.
James is dead, killed by Voldemort even as he managed to kill the other wizard and he’s a hero and everyone toasts his name and speaks in awe of his prowess and skill and… and…
Lily hates him. Hates him for dying and leaving her and their son alone. Alone to deal with the press and the Ministry and Dumbledore and everyone else who seem to think that with James dead, she can’t raise her son. Their son.
Everyone wants a piece of the hero’s family. No one seems to want who they actually are.
Except… that’s a lie in part. James’ friends - his real friends, the Marauders - they rally around her. Well, not Peter because Peter is missing and wanted for betrayal, for choosing Voldemort over his friends, for telling the Dark Lord a teeny, tiny secret. And Alice makes time to visit with her, in between caring for Neville and her job at the Ministry.
The first time she realizes that she doesn’t truly have any real friends, Lily wants to cry. She doesn’t by dint of some sort of strength that still resides within her.
Once upon a time, Lily had had friends. Her friends and not James’ and then hers when she married him. The War has taken all but Alice from her. Severus still lives and she knows he turned his back on Voldemort in some part because of her, but she can’t call him a friend. Not since fifth year when he called her a mudblood in front of everyone. And now, he’s lauded for his work as a spy and she’s proud that he stood up to Voldemort but they can’t recapture what they had once had.
Not that he doesn’t try.
And maybe if he doesn’t hate James and maybe if she doesn’t have Harry, it would be different.
But it’s not and she keeps him at bay.
Lily is tired of being Lily Potter, wife to hero James Potter, mother to baby Harry. No one seems to care that she’s more than that. She wants to turn back time, to when her life was simpler.
***
Sirius brings his brother with him to Sunday lunch. After… well, after, Remus and Sirius spend a lot of time with her. To her surprise, though she’s not sure why it does surprise her, Sirius takes his duties as godfather quite seriously. He helps to fend off everyone who wants to take Harry from her and raise him to his stature as the only son and heir to the ‘Great War Hero.’ A part of Lily knows that without Sirius, the head of an Ancient and Noble House of Black, at her side, she might very well have had to give up her son.
Not even Dumbledore’s preaching of equality is enough to protect her rights as Harry’s mother when she is the Muggleborn widow of a Wizard lord and the mother to the last of a grand Pureblood House.
Regulus is quiet, watchful. He wards her home with some of the Black ancestral wards before
Sirius can even ask. “Harry has Black blood,” he says when Sirius raises an eyebrow in question.
“And he’s your godson.” Sirius laughs and throws an arm around his brother to give him a one-armed hug. Regulus smiles, stiff, as if he’s still unsure of his presence. The dark and faded tattoo on his left forearm that he tries to hide from the view of others flashes as his sleeve rides up on his arm briefly. A reminder of the terrible choice he made with his mother’s encouragement.
Lily still remembers the night Regulus dragged himself to Sirius’ flat and begged him for help.
It makes her shiver when she thinks of what Voldemort had done to his soul. Horcrux: it even sounds dirty.
Without Regulus, the Light would never have known about the soul containers and James’ sacrifice would have been moot. As it is, they had barely managed to find and destroy all the Horcruxes before Voldemort had come to kill her little boy. Instead of Harry, James is dead. Voldemort too, but Lily only cares about that in an abstract way.
Regulus saved the war for the Light and now he works with Sirius to redeem the Black name.
She never asks if something more than the discovery of Horcruxes sent Regulus to his brother.
No one has. If Sirius knows, he’s not telling and in the end, it doesn’t really matter because
Voldemort is dead, killed by James before he succumbed to blood loss from a particularly vicious cutting curse.
(Lily knows that hating Severus for inventing Sectumsempra is childish and pointless. It doesn’t stop her from doing so.)
Regulus looks like his older brother. He’s slightly taller but just as slender. His eyes are a more pure silver than the gray eyes Sirius has. He ties his hair back at the nape of his neck rather than let his wavy ebony locks fly whichever way. He looks responsible while Sirius, despite his name, has the look of a dilettante down perfectly.
He looks the part but Sirius has matured since James died. Was killed. He has taken up his seat in the Wizengamot and has gone after the remaining Death Eaters with a zeal he once reserved for pranks. He protects his godson and Lily from the plots of the Minster and Ministry and even Dumbledore, keeps them from taking her son away from her. Guides her as she takes the Potter seat as Regent and together with Frank and Amelia, they form a bloc separate from the tarnished
Dark supporters and Dumbledore’s followers.
Lily never thought she would become involved politics. She’s not sure she likes it now but she doesn’t have much of a choice.
“Thank you for the wards,” Lily says and Regulus colors slightly under her gaze.
“Reggie’s good at them,” Sirius says with a chuckle.
“Do you plan on becoming a ward master then?” she asks.
“No,” Regulus replies his voice soft but firm. He takes a sip of wine from his glass, meets her gaze with his. “It is merely a hobby.”
Remus laughs with Sirius. “You could make a career out of it,” Remus says, but his eyes and tone are understanding, acknowledging the difficulty an ex-Death Eater - even one who had brought crucial information to the Light when he defected - would have in making an honest living.
“Besides, I need Reggie’s help,” Sirius protests. “He needs to whisper advice in my ear.”
“The shadow behind the king,” Lily jokes and Regulus tips his wine glass to her in a silent toast of her words.
***
Regulus knows politics in a way that Sirius and she do not. “My mum made sure Regulus wouldn’t scamper off like I did,” Sirius explains one very long night as they sit in the Potter study, reviewing legislation up for debate the next day. Regulus has just stepped out to use the loo and they’re taking a break to rest their eyes and brains from the tiresome language. “She made him into the perfect heir. If my mother and father knew anything, it was politics,” Sirius says with a bitter grin.
“And yet he gave up the Head of the family to you,” Lily says.
Sirius barks out a laugh. “Of course he did. An ex-Death Eater can only do so much. Me? I’m a Black but also a Gryffindor and James Potter’s best friend, godfather to his orphaned son,” he says, a trace of bitterness in his voice. “With me as the Head of the family, we can do so much more.”
“Is it all politics between the two of you?” she asks. She draws her feet up beneath her and rests her head against the back of the chair. Her hands are smudged with ink that comes from making notes and her hair is unbound; with the fire that crackles merrily next to them, it could be any night in the Gryffindor common room.
Except… it’s not and they both know this. James should be here and getting Sirius to talk about his brother and their fractious relationship. Not Lily.
But James is not here; he’s dead and buried and Lily has to live in this world without him and struggle to uphold the honor and integrity of the Potter family, struggle to keep Sirius and Remus and perhaps even Regulus on an even keel so they do not falter. Struggle to raise her son so that he is a credit to his ancestors.
“Lily…” Sirius says and she can hear the barely masked pain in his voice. “I love my brother. What we have… it works.”
She nods, not quite understanding what he means but understanding that she has tread on something he doesn’t want to get into. At least not with her. Maybe Remus knows more.
“What works?” Regulus asks, sauntering into the room, looking as calm and collected as ever.
“Nothing important,” Sirius replied with a flash of a smile. “Up for a little more? Or should we call it a night?”
“Can we afford to?” Regulus asks after a beat of silence. He stuffs his hands into his pockets and slouches against the doorjamb. “You know Dumbledore and Malfoy will try all their tricks again.”
Despite their best efforts, Malfoy managed to buy himself free and is the face of the Dark supporters.
“God! When will they give up?” Lily groans and stretches to get the kinks out of her back.
Both men give inelegant snorts. “Not for many years,” Sirius predicts and Regulus nods his agreement.
She wrinkles her nose with distaste. “Drat.”
***
October 31, 1982. One year since James died killing Voldemort. One year since Lily’s world has collapsed in and around itself and reformed into something she still doesn’t quite understand. It is the one year anniversary of his death and Sirius and Regulus have informed her that she has several important Wizarding rites to attend to, above and beyond the normal Samhain rites she learned in a cursory manner at Hogwarts.
She silently consigns Voldemort to the lowest circle of Hell for killing her husband on the one night of the year when the veil between the dead and living is weakest. She knows she will see James tonight. Knows that his shade will easily spring forth when she performs the memorial rite. She shivers, not sure how she’ll handle it.
“Are you prepared?” Regulus asks. She turns, smooths her hands down the front of the brand new white robe she bought for the night. He holds a wooden box in his hands and presents it to her. “For you,” he says and it is a bit unnecessary, but as she’s learned this last year, he likes the rituals of formality.
Their fingers brush against each other as she takes the box from him. She ignores the tingle of heat that follows it and concentrates on opening the lid. The box itself is a work of art with intricate carvings and runes. She lifts an eyebrow in question and a slight smile graces his lips.
“It tells of the Cad Goddeu,” he informs her, the Welsh rolling off his tongue. She smiles, thinking it appropriate for the night; the Potters claim Gwydion as their ancestor and Remus has already begun to relate to little Harry how Gwydion ab Don once animated the trees of the forest to fight against the army of Arawn, king of the Otherworld.
She looks down and gasps at the sight of a beautiful girdle made up of beaten silver links.
“For tonight,” Regulus says.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispers and smiles. She places the box on a nearby table and reverently takes out the girdle, feeling the lingering warmth of protection spells. She immediately unclasps the belt she already wears and replaces it with her gift. She looks up in time to catch a strange expression on Regulus’ face.
She’s too scared to ask him what he is thinking. She doesn’t think he’ll answer.
“Hey, Lily, you ready?” Sirius interrupts and bounces into the room. He stumbles to a halt at seeing his brother already there; his eyes widen when he takes in Lily’s attire. “I see you are.” His voice is a bit strangled but he doesn’t say anything. Lily tells herself she has no reason to feel guilty.
“Where’s Harry?” she asks instead and Sirius shakes his head.
“Downstairs with Remus.”
“We should get to the circle,” Regulus says, his expression hooded once again. She nods absently, her fingers tracing the girdle lightly and follows Sirius out. She needs the sense of strength it gives her to survive the night without falling apart fully.
***
This is something her son will grow up learning. He will not have to comb through books and books, seeking the knowledge that the Purebloods and Halfbloods know as commonplace. Not like she did.
James had helped her, Alice too after she and James are betrothed, but it never seemed important, not until she became the Lady Regent of House Potter.
Sirius helps because he is Lord Black and godfather to her son and Regulus aids her because he still seeks to redeem himself for allowing his mother to push him into subservience to a madman.
He never seems to realize the courage it took to walk away, to bring to his brother (and the Light) the information they desperately needed to defeat Voldemort (one year ago, tonight).
Lily is Muggleborn (mudblood and how the insult echoes and echoes in her head even when no one speaks it aloud) and Lady Regent and holds herself to an almost impossible standard. She does this for her son because her son is all she has left of James. One year since Voldemort came, since Peter revealed the precious secret he held, since James pushed her up the stairs to where little Harry slept and sent her away and gave his life to take down the Dark Lord. She has mourned for a year, has fought to keep custody of her son, has learned more about politics than she ever wanted, and has become the acknowledged Lady Regent of House Potter.
It has brought her power but all she wants is her James. She wants the life of which she (they) dreamed before they left Hogwarts and joined a war neither wanted. She doesn’t want her every movement scrutinized, her birth used against her; doesn’t want to toe a traditional line, to show the Wizarding world that though she was born to Muggle parents, she has adopted the culture of her new world. If James had lived, not bled out, she knows her life would be different.
She firmly shuts those thoughts away. They do her no good.
***
The circle is located in the village green. They are not the only Wizarding family to live here and Lily nods her greetings to those she sees and knows. Sirius keeps pace next to her, holding Harry in his arms. Regulus and Remus walk behind them as befits their stations. She wishes image did not play such an important part in the Wizarding world but it does and she cannot change it, even if she did want the comfort of her friends.
She shivers as she passes through the wards that protect the circle from the sight of Muggles. Light from the bonfire casts shadows on the ground and witches and wizards mill about, waiting to begin the rites for Samhain. The nerves that Lily has tried to ignore make themselves known to her and she wishes she could carry Harry for the strength it would give her.
Protocol does not allow that.
Sirius leads their group to the place of honor. She takes a deep breath and forces her trembling hands to stop. She puts on the mask of Lady Regent of House Potter and sets about preparing for this, the most important of rites.
The year anniversary after a death in the family holds great importance in the Wizarding world. Tradition means she would need to call forth the shade of James and allow him the chance to say his goodbyes or impart any last instructions. It’s meant to bring closure but she dreads it. Fears that the scrutiny under which she’ll perform the rite will cause her to make an error. Or that James will blame her for living while he died. Or tell her to leave Harry to Sirius to raise.
That she’s truly nothing more than a trumped up mudblood sullying the Ancient and Noble
House of Potter with her airs.
She shudders as Sirius squeezes her hand, telling her without words that it is time. And her wand is out without conscious thought and the Latin and ancient Welsh she memorized for just this occasion fall from her lips and light comes from her wand and she feels the magic building and building and -
James is before her, looking so much as he had that night a year ago. Bespectacled face with warm hazel eyes that shine with happiness that she is safe and Harry is there. She barely hears Sirius’ stutters or Remus’ shy voice or even Regulus’ calm one. She focuses on her husband and tears fall from her eyes because this is not fair. James should not be dead and Harry should not be tilting his head in confusion and she should not be saying her goodbyes on Samhain in the village green while their neighbors watch them with ill-concealed curiosity while performing their own rites.
“Lily-flower,” James says and she smiles despite herself, holding the memory of better times close to her heart.
“Oh, James,” she says and she raises a hand to touch him before letting it falter. He is not truly here; it is but a shade and she will never again feel his touch.
“I’m proud of you,” he says and she shakes her head. “No, I am,” he insists. “I know you’ve done my House proud and you will continue to do so.”
Tears fall from her eyes. He knows and she knows that the neighbors have heard this and will report it to others and her position is now secure in a way nothing that she or Sirius or Regulus have done in the past year. (Remus, sadly, holds no influence among the Wizards elite. His affliction keeps others from listening to him. It is unfair and they all hate it but they hold tight to the hope that one day it won’t matter.)
Regulus speaks and with a jab of his wand, they are cocooned in privacy. She has done the proper thing, has gotten the blessing of Lord Potter to hold the Regency and anything else James might want to say is not for public consumption. No one can complain at his actions, not and seem uncouth.
James speaks to Sirius and then Remus. Even Regulus gets a few words, though Lily is concentrating on holding Harry and not falling apart so doesn’t hear what is said. They might have a privacy spell up but it just prevents people from eavesdropping on them and she can’t afford to give them grist for the mill. Eventually, Sirius places a hand on her arm and jolts her out of her fugue.
“We’ll give you some privacy,” he says and his eyes are shining with unshed tears. She nods and watches as Remus, Regulus and he step outside the privacy bubble.
“James,” she whispers and her lips twist into a sad, sad smile.
“My Lily,” he says. He looks wistful as he looks at her and Harry. Her son squirms, wanting down from her arms so she sets him down, holding him to her side.
“Harry, this is your father,” she tells him and Harry looks up at the spectral figure of his father and waves his pudgy little hand towards him.
“‘lo,” he says, his voice full of shyness as he tilts his head up to look at him. James kneels down and stares at his son.
“You’re so big!” he says and smiles. “I wish I was there for you.”
Harry doesn’t know what to say and tugs on Lily’s robes. “I do too,” she answers for her son.
“James…”
He stands up and looks at her - at them. “I don’t regret it,” he says. “I would sacrifice myself to save you and our son a thousand times over.”
“I miss you,” she says and tears fall from her eyes.
“Oh, Lils…,” James gives her a smile full of sadness. “I wish I hadn’t had to leave you.”
“Me too.”
“Lily, promise me you won’t mourn me forever,” he says.
She frowns and looks away. “I…”
“No, Lily,” he says and his tone is full of an authority he had only used when was wholly serious.
“You’re young - too young - to remain alone for the rest of your life. You forget witches and wizards live longer than Muggles. And I won’t have you spending the rest of your life mourning me. Find someone. Find someone to share your life with.”
“But…” she protests because it’s been a year and she still loves James as much as she had when she married him.
“You don’t need to find someone now,” he says with an almost exasperated grin. “But… I won’t ask you to spend the rest of your life alone.”
“I love you,” she says.
“I know.” And there really isn’t anything more to be said. “There’s so much I want to say to you but…”
“What words to use?” she finished for him. She wipes tears from her face. “It’s not fair, James. We were supposed to have our whole lives together. Not…not this”
“You have Harry and you’ll keep Padfoot and Moony in line,” he says. “And one day… one day, we’ll be together again. Just not anytime soon.” He smiles with encouragement towards her.
“I wish…” she starts but can’t finish the sentence.
“Me too,” he says and his eyes are full of the heartbreak they both feel. That can’t be changed.
“Harry will know about you. The real you. Not the stuff the Ministry spouts,” she says.
“Don’t let him make the same mistakes I did,” he says.
“He’ll make the House of Potter proud,” she promises.
“I know he will,” he assures her.
“God, James…” she says and closes her eyes. This is torture, seeing him - hearing him and knowing that soon he’ll be gone. That he’s not going to come back and the only time she’ll see him is on nights like this. When the veil between the living and dead is so thin he can visit.
“You’ll be alright, Lily. Both of you,” James says and he sounds so positive of this that she has to believe him. “Let me talk to Harry for a bit.”
She nods, separating her robe from Harry’s hands and moving back to give them some privacy. She has no idea what he wants to tell his son or whether Harry will even comprehend it but he deserves this. Deserves the opportunity to impart whatever wisdom or pranks or whatever he wants to the son he’ll never see grow up.
Lily doesn’t know how long he takes but eventually he calls her attention. “Lily - take the barrier down,” he says and she nods, her wand in her hand and breaking through the spell Regulus set with an ease that should surprise her but doesn’t.
“Lord Black, Mister Black, Mister Lupin,” James intones and he sounds formal which can only mean he’s acting as Lord Potter and not James, their friend, their Prongs. “I thank you for your support of the Lady Potter and my son. I am pleased the alliances between our families has continued even past my death. I trust you will ensure my son grows into his position in our world with the same zeal you have taken in instructing my lady wife. I am proud of where House Potter stands and I know that it will continue to flourish under the stewardship of the Lady Regent and your guidance.” He bows with a formality only matched by the three named men and she loves him all the more, the way in which he has sealed his approval of her regency and their aid. The Traditionalists will have a hard time arguing that she should step down as Regent or that her son should be fostered out to someone else.
James disappears with the end of the ritual and Sirius takes up Harry once again as they head back to the manor. Lily feels emotionally exhausted and her companions look no different. She wants nothing more than to curl up in her bed and weep. Weep for the renewed sense of loss the mourning rite has given her and the knowledge that James is truly dead and gone.
***
The words James spoke spread throughout the Wizarding world like a wild fire during a drought. No one can challenge her position, not now. James might be dead but he was Lord Potter when he died and his word carries the weigh of thatt. Even better, he has ensured the place of Remus and Regulus as advisers and guardians to her son. Her life becomes a little easier. And so do theirs.
And Lily slowly grows used to the duties of Lady Regent of House Potter. She balances politics with motherhood and does her best to bring honor to the House. (She would rather study esoteric Charms as she did before that night but that will have to wait until after Harry ascends to his position.)
“You know,” Regulus drawls, “you don’t have to be perfect.”
She snorts. “You know that’s not true,” she counters. She tucks a piece of loose hair back behind an ear and puts down the quill with which she’s been taking notes.
“You’re Lady Potter,” he says and straightens from his slouch. “You’ve shown what you can do, that you can adopt Wizarding tradition and raise your son as befits his status.”
“And they’re just waiting to see me misstep,” she says.
“Those that are will never be satisfied with anything you do,” he says. “You need to relax more.”
“I just… I need to be able to leave House Potter in a position of strength when Harry takes over,” she explains. (She will bring honor to the House she has made her own.)
“Sirius won’t let you fall,” he says, stepping closer. She nods in acknowledgment because it is true. Sirius protects the interests of his godson with a ferocity for which few would give him credit, did they compare him to his time at school.
“Come, Lily,” he invites and holds out his hand for her to take. “The sun is shining and your gardens are blossoming. You should take a moment to appreciate your holdings.”
She can’t find an appropriate excuse and besides, she’s tired of looking at these be-damned reports. They will not disappear if she takes some time to herself. She allows him to help her from her seat and escort her to the gardens. Lets him distract her with amusing tidbits and anecdotes, of stories about Harry and a younger Sirius.
(Why Regulus can get her to relax when others cannot she will not think about.)
***
For her birthday, Lily receives an obscure book on Charms from Remus, an expensive and elegant writing set from Sirius, a series of drawings from Harry all bound in a leather book, and a customized wand holster from Regulus. Sirius looks startled when he sees it and starts to say something before thinking better of it and shutting his mouth. Later, after the celebratory lunch and Harry has gone off for his nap, she sees Sirius and Regulus having an intense discussion in the garden.
Remus stops her from interrupting.
“I don’t understand,” she protests.
Remus looks uncomfortable, avoiding her gaze for a moment before answering her, reluctance evident by voice and body language. “It’s… Sirius is just making sure Regulus knows what he is doing,” he finally says, which is both an answer and not.
***
Lily now spends her days reading reports and legislation from the Wizengamot. She attends scheduled sessions, Sirius by her side and Regulus at her back, whispering strategies and thoughts to her. Some afternoons, she meets the ladies of the elite she is now a part of for tea, a chance for her and them to subtly feel out the tides of politics. Lunch is for her and Harry and on those afternoons she doesn’t have teas or other appointments, she takes him to the park in the neighboring Muggle village.
She doesn’t want her son to grow up ignorant. (She wants him to experience the same things she did when growing up. The Muggle world has much to offer despite what some Wizards believe and she won’t hide from that. She is a Muggleborn as much as she is Lady Regent of House Potter.)
Harry is her son and Lord Potter. She holds his House for him until he’s of age but she is also his mother. She doesn’t want him to grow up without her; she insists that he knows her love. She will not have him act the little Lord, too arrogant and assured of his position. No, he will be a little boy who knows love, but more than that, he will grow into his position and not have it thrust onto him.
(As happened to James.)
“Augusta wants us to start tutoring Neville on his duties,” Alice sighs. The two boys are playing in the garden, digging in the dirt and playing ‘let’s pretend.’
“He’s not even three!” Lily says.
“Frank began his lessons then,” she says and turns from the scene.
“He’s your child too,” Lily points out. The clatter of the tea cup hitting the saucer echoes loudly in the room.
“He’s the heir,” Alice says and that answer encompasses within it everything that Lily hates about the Wizarding world. (Alice is a Halfblood and a woman to boot; her brother received the training Harry and Neville will get. Alice only had to marry well and that she loves Frank is a bonus. Of far more importance are the business arrangements brought about by their marriage.)
“He’s a child,” Lily counters because she has to believe that this world she’s made her own isn’t stuck in the nineteenth or eighteenth century. (It’s a futile wish.)
“He’s the heir,” Alice repeats and smiles. “You know, you’ve adapted so well, so quickly. Became the Lady Regent of House Potter and became a political force of your own that it’s easy to forget you didn’t grow up like this. That you’re Muggleborn.”
Lily shrugs, feeling awkward for reasons she can’t quite explain. “I did it to protect my son.”
Alice nods and lays a hand on Lily’s forearm. “I understand. You did what any mother might do. And now House Potter is a respected traditionalist house with liberal tendencies.”
“I hate politics,” she says. And it’s true. “I never wanted this. Any of this.” She gestures towards the study where the week’s reports sit, stacked on top of another with notes haphazardly strewn about the desk.
“You’ll raise your son well and he’ll… be everything the Lord Potter should be,” Alice says. “He’ll make James proud.”
Lily snickers. “Please. He’ll only make James’ proud if he start pranking everyone.”
“You know that’s not true,” Alice chides.
“No,” Lily agrees, “it’s not.”
***
“Do you think James would be proud of how I’m raising Harry?” Lily asks later that night. Utensils clatter to the table, sounding loud in the suddenly silent dining room.
“Please tell me you’re joking,” Remus says, having recovered first. All three of them have astonished looks on their faces, mouths gaping as if they didn’t have words to respond to her question.
She shakes her head, puts down the fork she’s pretended to use and clasps her hands around the stem of her wine glass. She avoids their gazes, wanting to say this. “It’s just… I was talking to Alice today and she made a comment about James. And…” She sighs. “I can’t help but wonder what our life would be like if James hadn’t died.”
“Oh, Lily,” Remus says. He looks to Sirius with helpless eyes; Regulus has his hands hidden under the table, holding himself utterly still as if he might shatter should he move. And Sirius closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before answering.
“We’ve all done things, become things we wouldn’t have, had James lived,” he admits, his voice shaky withe motion. “I certainly wouldn’t have taken my position up in the Wizengamot if he had. But, Lily… you’re not doing anything that James wouldn’t have if he had had to face what you have.”
“I want to believe that,” she says.
“Believe it,” Regulus says and his voice is hoarse with suppressed emotion and he refuses to meet her gaze. “Everything you’ve done has been to protect your son. Don’t let anyone say anything different.”
She holds still for a breath and then nods. He’s right. (Why his assurance succeeds in calming her when those of Sirius and Remus and Alice do not, she won’t examine. Not yet. Maybe not ever.)
***
Lughnasadh comes and Harry turns three and the Potter-Black bloc gets a new bill passed that will teach all first years Wizarding or Muggle culture, depending on their upbringing. She can’t stop grinning, pleased that something she’s worked on for so long has come to fruition. (She and Sirius and Frank and Amelia will drag the Wizarding world into the twentieth century, no matter how long it takes.)
She bites into a crisp apple, laughs as Sirius drags her onto the dance floor and twirls her around.
Giggles as she pushes him towards Freya Magnusdottir, a Norwegian Muggleborn witch with whom he’s been flirting since she moved to Britain and joined the Aurors. Remus has a mug of butterbeer and is talking to a group of their friends from Hogwarts. Lily grins when she sees Marlene circle his waist with her arm. (Remus deserves love even if he doesn’t see it.)
Harry comes careening onto the green, laughing as his short legs pump furiously to keep ahead of Regulus. He chases her son, mock-growling, until they reach her side and Harry begs her to protect him.
“Always my son,” she promises. Regulus grins into her eyes and ruffles Harry’s hair and pops off to pick up some refreshment.
“How’s my birthday boy?” she asks and bends down to kiss the top of his head. He grins up at her and tells her everything he and Regulus have been up to all day. She smiles and nods and wishes James was here with her.
(Her son deserves his father. James died too damned young.)
***
The second anniversary of James’ death and Voldemort’s defeat arrives and Lily decides that Harry should experience Halloween like she had when she was growing up. In the Wizarding world, Halloween is Samhain, even if they celebrated it as Halloween at Hogwarts. The Purebloods and Halfbloods and the interested Muggleborns celebrate the Samhain rites late at night, after the feast. Lily first celebrates the rites after she and James started dating. From a purely academic view, she found it interesting but she didn’t understand any of what she did.
After James is dead, Sirius and Regulus teach her what James hadn’t had the time to do and Alice hadn’t. She wishes he had. She wishes she didn’t need to know it as perfectly as she does. But to protect her son, she’ll move mountains.
Last year, she had to perform the last of the mourning rites; this year, she can get away with the more general rites. She misses James and almost wishes she could call up his shade again just to speak with him; she won’t though. He is dead and disturbing his rest for reassurance is selfish.
(She won’t subject him to the morbid curiosity of others. Tradition states only a family member can disturb the rest of the dead. She’s never been more grateful for that, not when even now the Wizarding world holds her husband up as an icon of the Light.)
Lily focuses on helping Harry enjoy Halloween. She finds a costume for him to wear and purchases a plastic cauldron for him to collect his candy. They carve jack-o’lanterns together and roast pumpkin seeds. They go to a nearby Muggle village and knock on doors to gain his treats. And later, as the moon rises and the hour grows late, she dresses him in his robes and they go to the village green, this time to celebrate Samhain with their Wizard neighbors.
***
Lily enrolls Harry in a playgroup in the neighboring Muggle village. He needs to socialize with more than just adults or the odd play date with Susan or Neville. He knows to keep quiet about magic and returns homes asking if they can get a television.
Regulus, Remus and she work for months to figure out the charms that will allow for it. The first night she watches BBC-1, she feels like she’s recaptured a part of herself that’s been missing. She resolves to no longer lose sight of who she is in favor of playing the part of Lady Regent of House Potter. She is more than that.
***
It takes her until after the third birthday she celebrates without James to realize Regulus has been steadily courting her. (In actuality, she doesn’t figure it out; Alice informs her.) Once she does, the gifts he has given her make so much more sense. The silver girdle from that first Samhain, the wand holster for her birthday, an anthame for Yule, a set of obsidian rune stones the year she turns twenty-six, a Goblin-made goblet for Beltane, a granite altar, a Welsh gold armlet.
“They’re traditional gifts,” Alice explains.
“James never -” Lily starts to say but Alice shakes her head.
“When I say traditional, I mean traditional,” she says. “The Blacks… well, they’ve always held the traditions in high regard. And the Potters have been liberal for several generations. Even still, James did give you your altar cloth. Had your courtship progressed longer, you would have ended up with many of the items Regulus has given to you.”
“Oh,” she says. Lily doesn’t know how to respond. It’s been over three years since James died and she misses him every day. She wonders what their life would be like, whether they would have children other than Harry by now. Whether he and Sirius would have attacked the old-fashioned values the Wizarding world holds to with the same vigor she and Sirius do now. (She knows they probably wouldn’t have, mostly because Sirius admits the only reason he’s involved in politics is because of Harry.)
James told her he didn’t want her to remain alone for the rest of her life, but it isn’t something she’s thought about. A part of her can’t imagine marrying someone else, lying next to them at night, sharing her body with him.
Another part, the part she’s buried when she placed her husband in the ground, misses the companionship she shared with James. The knowledge that she belong s to someone and they belong to her.
“What are you going to do, Lily?” Alice asks, her brow furrowed with worry. “Soon, he will ask for an answer.”
“I… I honestly don’t know,” she admits. She twirls a piece of her hair around her finger and purses her lips in contemplation. “I’ve never really thought of marrying again.”
“Surely you’re not considering accepting?” Alice asks and she sounds half-scandalized. “Lily - he was a Death Eater!”
Lily raises an eyebrow at the shock. “He turned away from Voldemort and helped us win the war,” she points out.
Alice has the grace to flush with embarrassment. She was part of the Order and was present at the meeting where Regulus Black changed the tenor of the war for the Light. “Still, you won’t speak to Snape… why is Regulus different? Surely if you wish to more firmly cement the alliance between House Potter and House Black you could choose Sirius.”
“First of all,” Lily snaps, “Sirius is betrothed to Freya. Secondly, he would never disrespect James in such a way.” (Best friends, godson to their son, Sirius would have married her to protect them but he does not love her and would never have shared her bed. Not when he’d feel that he was taking something that belonged to James.)
“And why is Regulus any different?” Alice asks.
“He wasn’t best friends with James,” she immediately replies. That is the fundamental difference between the two Black brothers. Both of them respect her and love Harry. They would protect her son with their life. But to Sirius, she will always be James’ wife. To Regulus, she is Lily Evans Potter, Lady Regent of House Potter and someone who has never looked down on him for following his parent’s wishes and joining Voldemort.
“Lily… you need to be careful,” Alice warns. (Lily wonders just what her friend has heard.)
“I’m always careful,” she says.
***
Lily approaches Remus first because Remus will tell her the truth if she asks him. (She thinks he does because he’s grateful she’s hired him as Harry’s tutor and won’t do her the discourtesy of pretending she doesn’t deserve the truth if she actually asks.)
“How long have you known Regulus was courting me?” she demands.
Remus drops the book he’s reading in his lap (the diary of Septimus Angrhrod, if she recognizes it correctly) and gapes at her. He gathers his composure shortly thereafter and carefully places it on the side table. “He may have mentioned his intentions several years ago,” he says.
It is Lily’s turn to gape. “Years?” she finally croaks out.
He nods.
Silence reigns for several moments and then -
“How many people know about this?” She narrows her eyes after Remus averts his eyes in a guilty fashion. “Remus?” she demands and taps her foot impatiently.
“Um… I imagine several people of our acquaintance.”
“And when was he planning on informing me?”
“Lily…” Remus begins, and he looks at her with such a gentle look that she knows she’s going to feel stupid as soon as he says what he does. “We all of us figured you knew. The gifts are rather… well, they’re a pretty obvious clue.”
“Except I’m Muggleborn and don’t know all the traditions!” she almost shouts, throwing her hands up in the air. “I have no idea what he is thinking!”
“Oh,” he says and looks abashed.
***
James once commented that she was never as beautiful as when she was on a rampage. Lily storms through her house, seeking Regulus to demand just what he’s thinking. She finds him in the television room, Harry on his lap as they watch an educational program. It derails her entirely and she takes in the picture.
There can be no doubt that he cares for her son; watching them together, she considers for the first time that maybe, just maybe, Regulus has actually considered what he is doing. That he’s not acting off the cuff. (Actually, the giving of courtship gifts suggests he has thought about this, that he genuinely wants her. And she knows that he knows her and not Lily Potter, the Lady Regent of House Potter. He has helped raise her son, just as Sirius and Remus have. But, unlike Remus and Sirius, the last of the Marauders, Regulus has never considered James Potter his best friend and brother in all but blood.)
She leans against the door jamb and just watches.
“Lily!” Regulus says and smiles when he finally notices her. “How long have you been there?”
“Not long,” she says and walks in to sit next to him. Harry scrambles into her lap and immediately tells her all about his day. And for the first time, she acknowledges the way Regulus casually lets his body touch hers, the way he trails his finger against her arm in a casual manner.
And it freaks her out as much for what it means than anything else.
***
Later that night, Sirius comes to the study she’s barricaded herself in and takes a seat. “Remus mentioned you finally figured out what Reggie’s doing,” he says.
“Apparently, it was quite obvious,” she replies and there is a bite in her voice, enough that he grimaces under her gaze.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“For what?” she asks. “Not telling me? Or…”
He shrugs. “You’re upset. I don’t like it when you’re upset.”
She laughs and he smiles in response. “Merlin, Sirius. What is going on?”
He looks confused and well he might. She’s not making any sense. “Lily?”
“Why me?” She doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get why Regulus would want to marry her when she is still half in love with her dead husband and struggling to juggle her duties as Lady Regent and mother to Harry. When she’s never even considered Regulus in a romantic manner.
And he has to know all this.
“How could he not?” Sirius asks. He seems genuinely astonished at her question. “Lily…” he begins, leaning closer to her and taking her hand in his. “Lily,” he repeats, “You are an amazing woman. James loved you because you were brilliant and sassy and gorgeous. You were his partner, so unlike the girls with whom we both grew up. You embraced magic and tried to learn the traditions important to him. And now? I don’t think you realize just how amazing you are. You took on a role that even women who’ve grown up in Pureblood or Halfblood Households have not managed! And you’re changing things without throwing away what is important to us.”
Lily feels herself blush and averts her eyes from his. She does tighten her hand around his though, needing the physical comfort it brings. “Is that really how you see me? How… he sees me?”
“Yes,” Sirius says and his voice is firm with conviction. “Regulus courts you because he genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I…” his voice trails off and his eyes take a distant cast, seeing something she cannot. (James once told her that Sirius suffered after his parents disowned him. That it hurt him terribly to see his brother give him the cut direct at school. She remembers how desperately he tried to deny that Regulus had joined the Death Eaters - and how something inside him had died when they saw the Mark on his arm before they graduated. How that same part came alive once again that night all those years ago when Regulus stumbled into his flat, begging for help.)
“Regulus does this because he wants you. I don’t think he ever thought he’d find someone after everything that happened. Just… Lily, please don’t hurt him,” he says.
She nods because she understands. Understands what Sirius won’t says, perhaps cannot say. And she doesn’t know how to respond because this is not something she ever considered, no matter that James told her to find love again.
***
“So now you know,” Regulus says, his voice as calm as ever. He stands before her, his hands held behind his back, dressed in some of his finer robes. He looks the aristocratic man he is, his face emotionless but his eyes… his eyes cannot hide how he feels.
“Now, I know,” Lily agrees. She smiles, biting her lip as she tries to decide what to say.
“Please, don’t say anything,” he says. She frowns with confusion. “Lily,” he begins, sounding careful as if he’s afraid of spooking her, “I admit I should have told you that I wanted to court you, but I was selfish and didn’t want to lose my hope. Now that you know… can you please just consider it? Please?”
He looks desperate and half-resigned, as if he’s certain she’ll refuse. And she’s loath to hurt him by rejecting him. He has grown into one of her closest friends in the years since James’ death. She already loves him but not as a lover should. Not as a wife should.
And yet… what would the harm be in seeing where this could go? Is it fair to reject him now, after she has just discovered his intentions? Would it not be better to see if maybe, just maybe she can give him what he wants?
So she nods and agrees and he smiles brilliantly.
***
Several years later, she sits in her study and Regulus leans down to nuzzle against her head, his hands automatically caressing the bulging belly that holds their unborn child. “Do you have any regrets, my love?” he asks.
She pauses for a moment and slowly shakes her head. She is Lily Black but still Lady Regent of House Potter. Her son is learning the Potter Family history with a gusto about which no one can complain. He is shaping into a fine Head of the family. A part of her still loves James and always will. He waits for her, in the hereafter and Regulus knows this.
Just as he and she both know that James has given them his blessing for their marriage. She has done as he asked and found love again. And Regulus truly does love her.
“No. I would not give up anything that has happened, not the pain, not the heartbreak. This is my life and it is a good one,” she finally says. And he smiles and leans down to kiss her and she knows who she is.
Don't forget to leave a comment for our writer! :-D ( Comment Policy)
Author: vipersweb
Recipient: hp_spring_fling
Pairings: Lily/James (past), Lily/Regulus
Rating PG
Word Count: 8,400
Warnings: canon character death
Summary: After Voldemort’s death, Lily finds herself adrift and trying to survive in a Wizarding world bound in tradition. Together with the Marauders and Regulus Black, she manages to find herself again.
Author’s Notes: Thanks to my beta, MM who went above and beyond with this. I hope you enjoy!
After… after she buries James and after she puts her life back together (or tries) and after she’s moved from that awful place and after the trials are all over and after the war is over (but is it?), Lily becomes Lily Evans again.
Except she’s not Lily Evans, hasn’t been for a few years now and taking back the name of her parents (Muggles and not witches or wizards with a long distinguished line) will not change that.
James is dead, killed by Voldemort even as he managed to kill the other wizard and he’s a hero and everyone toasts his name and speaks in awe of his prowess and skill and… and…
Lily hates him. Hates him for dying and leaving her and their son alone. Alone to deal with the press and the Ministry and Dumbledore and everyone else who seem to think that with James dead, she can’t raise her son. Their son.
Everyone wants a piece of the hero’s family. No one seems to want who they actually are.
Except… that’s a lie in part. James’ friends - his real friends, the Marauders - they rally around her. Well, not Peter because Peter is missing and wanted for betrayal, for choosing Voldemort over his friends, for telling the Dark Lord a teeny, tiny secret. And Alice makes time to visit with her, in between caring for Neville and her job at the Ministry.
The first time she realizes that she doesn’t truly have any real friends, Lily wants to cry. She doesn’t by dint of some sort of strength that still resides within her.
Once upon a time, Lily had had friends. Her friends and not James’ and then hers when she married him. The War has taken all but Alice from her. Severus still lives and she knows he turned his back on Voldemort in some part because of her, but she can’t call him a friend. Not since fifth year when he called her a mudblood in front of everyone. And now, he’s lauded for his work as a spy and she’s proud that he stood up to Voldemort but they can’t recapture what they had once had.
Not that he doesn’t try.
And maybe if he doesn’t hate James and maybe if she doesn’t have Harry, it would be different.
But it’s not and she keeps him at bay.
Lily is tired of being Lily Potter, wife to hero James Potter, mother to baby Harry. No one seems to care that she’s more than that. She wants to turn back time, to when her life was simpler.
***
Sirius brings his brother with him to Sunday lunch. After… well, after, Remus and Sirius spend a lot of time with her. To her surprise, though she’s not sure why it does surprise her, Sirius takes his duties as godfather quite seriously. He helps to fend off everyone who wants to take Harry from her and raise him to his stature as the only son and heir to the ‘Great War Hero.’ A part of Lily knows that without Sirius, the head of an Ancient and Noble House of Black, at her side, she might very well have had to give up her son.
Not even Dumbledore’s preaching of equality is enough to protect her rights as Harry’s mother when she is the Muggleborn widow of a Wizard lord and the mother to the last of a grand Pureblood House.
Regulus is quiet, watchful. He wards her home with some of the Black ancestral wards before
Sirius can even ask. “Harry has Black blood,” he says when Sirius raises an eyebrow in question.
“And he’s your godson.” Sirius laughs and throws an arm around his brother to give him a one-armed hug. Regulus smiles, stiff, as if he’s still unsure of his presence. The dark and faded tattoo on his left forearm that he tries to hide from the view of others flashes as his sleeve rides up on his arm briefly. A reminder of the terrible choice he made with his mother’s encouragement.
Lily still remembers the night Regulus dragged himself to Sirius’ flat and begged him for help.
It makes her shiver when she thinks of what Voldemort had done to his soul. Horcrux: it even sounds dirty.
Without Regulus, the Light would never have known about the soul containers and James’ sacrifice would have been moot. As it is, they had barely managed to find and destroy all the Horcruxes before Voldemort had come to kill her little boy. Instead of Harry, James is dead. Voldemort too, but Lily only cares about that in an abstract way.
Regulus saved the war for the Light and now he works with Sirius to redeem the Black name.
She never asks if something more than the discovery of Horcruxes sent Regulus to his brother.
No one has. If Sirius knows, he’s not telling and in the end, it doesn’t really matter because
Voldemort is dead, killed by James before he succumbed to blood loss from a particularly vicious cutting curse.
(Lily knows that hating Severus for inventing Sectumsempra is childish and pointless. It doesn’t stop her from doing so.)
Regulus looks like his older brother. He’s slightly taller but just as slender. His eyes are a more pure silver than the gray eyes Sirius has. He ties his hair back at the nape of his neck rather than let his wavy ebony locks fly whichever way. He looks responsible while Sirius, despite his name, has the look of a dilettante down perfectly.
He looks the part but Sirius has matured since James died. Was killed. He has taken up his seat in the Wizengamot and has gone after the remaining Death Eaters with a zeal he once reserved for pranks. He protects his godson and Lily from the plots of the Minster and Ministry and even Dumbledore, keeps them from taking her son away from her. Guides her as she takes the Potter seat as Regent and together with Frank and Amelia, they form a bloc separate from the tarnished
Dark supporters and Dumbledore’s followers.
Lily never thought she would become involved politics. She’s not sure she likes it now but she doesn’t have much of a choice.
“Thank you for the wards,” Lily says and Regulus colors slightly under her gaze.
“Reggie’s good at them,” Sirius says with a chuckle.
“Do you plan on becoming a ward master then?” she asks.
“No,” Regulus replies his voice soft but firm. He takes a sip of wine from his glass, meets her gaze with his. “It is merely a hobby.”
Remus laughs with Sirius. “You could make a career out of it,” Remus says, but his eyes and tone are understanding, acknowledging the difficulty an ex-Death Eater - even one who had brought crucial information to the Light when he defected - would have in making an honest living.
“Besides, I need Reggie’s help,” Sirius protests. “He needs to whisper advice in my ear.”
“The shadow behind the king,” Lily jokes and Regulus tips his wine glass to her in a silent toast of her words.
***
Regulus knows politics in a way that Sirius and she do not. “My mum made sure Regulus wouldn’t scamper off like I did,” Sirius explains one very long night as they sit in the Potter study, reviewing legislation up for debate the next day. Regulus has just stepped out to use the loo and they’re taking a break to rest their eyes and brains from the tiresome language. “She made him into the perfect heir. If my mother and father knew anything, it was politics,” Sirius says with a bitter grin.
“And yet he gave up the Head of the family to you,” Lily says.
Sirius barks out a laugh. “Of course he did. An ex-Death Eater can only do so much. Me? I’m a Black but also a Gryffindor and James Potter’s best friend, godfather to his orphaned son,” he says, a trace of bitterness in his voice. “With me as the Head of the family, we can do so much more.”
“Is it all politics between the two of you?” she asks. She draws her feet up beneath her and rests her head against the back of the chair. Her hands are smudged with ink that comes from making notes and her hair is unbound; with the fire that crackles merrily next to them, it could be any night in the Gryffindor common room.
Except… it’s not and they both know this. James should be here and getting Sirius to talk about his brother and their fractious relationship. Not Lily.
But James is not here; he’s dead and buried and Lily has to live in this world without him and struggle to uphold the honor and integrity of the Potter family, struggle to keep Sirius and Remus and perhaps even Regulus on an even keel so they do not falter. Struggle to raise her son so that he is a credit to his ancestors.
“Lily…” Sirius says and she can hear the barely masked pain in his voice. “I love my brother. What we have… it works.”
She nods, not quite understanding what he means but understanding that she has tread on something he doesn’t want to get into. At least not with her. Maybe Remus knows more.
“What works?” Regulus asks, sauntering into the room, looking as calm and collected as ever.
“Nothing important,” Sirius replied with a flash of a smile. “Up for a little more? Or should we call it a night?”
“Can we afford to?” Regulus asks after a beat of silence. He stuffs his hands into his pockets and slouches against the doorjamb. “You know Dumbledore and Malfoy will try all their tricks again.”
Despite their best efforts, Malfoy managed to buy himself free and is the face of the Dark supporters.
“God! When will they give up?” Lily groans and stretches to get the kinks out of her back.
Both men give inelegant snorts. “Not for many years,” Sirius predicts and Regulus nods his agreement.
She wrinkles her nose with distaste. “Drat.”
***
October 31, 1982. One year since James died killing Voldemort. One year since Lily’s world has collapsed in and around itself and reformed into something she still doesn’t quite understand. It is the one year anniversary of his death and Sirius and Regulus have informed her that she has several important Wizarding rites to attend to, above and beyond the normal Samhain rites she learned in a cursory manner at Hogwarts.
She silently consigns Voldemort to the lowest circle of Hell for killing her husband on the one night of the year when the veil between the dead and living is weakest. She knows she will see James tonight. Knows that his shade will easily spring forth when she performs the memorial rite. She shivers, not sure how she’ll handle it.
“Are you prepared?” Regulus asks. She turns, smooths her hands down the front of the brand new white robe she bought for the night. He holds a wooden box in his hands and presents it to her. “For you,” he says and it is a bit unnecessary, but as she’s learned this last year, he likes the rituals of formality.
Their fingers brush against each other as she takes the box from him. She ignores the tingle of heat that follows it and concentrates on opening the lid. The box itself is a work of art with intricate carvings and runes. She lifts an eyebrow in question and a slight smile graces his lips.
“It tells of the Cad Goddeu,” he informs her, the Welsh rolling off his tongue. She smiles, thinking it appropriate for the night; the Potters claim Gwydion as their ancestor and Remus has already begun to relate to little Harry how Gwydion ab Don once animated the trees of the forest to fight against the army of Arawn, king of the Otherworld.
She looks down and gasps at the sight of a beautiful girdle made up of beaten silver links.
“For tonight,” Regulus says.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispers and smiles. She places the box on a nearby table and reverently takes out the girdle, feeling the lingering warmth of protection spells. She immediately unclasps the belt she already wears and replaces it with her gift. She looks up in time to catch a strange expression on Regulus’ face.
She’s too scared to ask him what he is thinking. She doesn’t think he’ll answer.
“Hey, Lily, you ready?” Sirius interrupts and bounces into the room. He stumbles to a halt at seeing his brother already there; his eyes widen when he takes in Lily’s attire. “I see you are.” His voice is a bit strangled but he doesn’t say anything. Lily tells herself she has no reason to feel guilty.
“Where’s Harry?” she asks instead and Sirius shakes his head.
“Downstairs with Remus.”
“We should get to the circle,” Regulus says, his expression hooded once again. She nods absently, her fingers tracing the girdle lightly and follows Sirius out. She needs the sense of strength it gives her to survive the night without falling apart fully.
***
This is something her son will grow up learning. He will not have to comb through books and books, seeking the knowledge that the Purebloods and Halfbloods know as commonplace. Not like she did.
James had helped her, Alice too after she and James are betrothed, but it never seemed important, not until she became the Lady Regent of House Potter.
Sirius helps because he is Lord Black and godfather to her son and Regulus aids her because he still seeks to redeem himself for allowing his mother to push him into subservience to a madman.
He never seems to realize the courage it took to walk away, to bring to his brother (and the Light) the information they desperately needed to defeat Voldemort (one year ago, tonight).
Lily is Muggleborn (mudblood and how the insult echoes and echoes in her head even when no one speaks it aloud) and Lady Regent and holds herself to an almost impossible standard. She does this for her son because her son is all she has left of James. One year since Voldemort came, since Peter revealed the precious secret he held, since James pushed her up the stairs to where little Harry slept and sent her away and gave his life to take down the Dark Lord. She has mourned for a year, has fought to keep custody of her son, has learned more about politics than she ever wanted, and has become the acknowledged Lady Regent of House Potter.
It has brought her power but all she wants is her James. She wants the life of which she (they) dreamed before they left Hogwarts and joined a war neither wanted. She doesn’t want her every movement scrutinized, her birth used against her; doesn’t want to toe a traditional line, to show the Wizarding world that though she was born to Muggle parents, she has adopted the culture of her new world. If James had lived, not bled out, she knows her life would be different.
She firmly shuts those thoughts away. They do her no good.
***
The circle is located in the village green. They are not the only Wizarding family to live here and Lily nods her greetings to those she sees and knows. Sirius keeps pace next to her, holding Harry in his arms. Regulus and Remus walk behind them as befits their stations. She wishes image did not play such an important part in the Wizarding world but it does and she cannot change it, even if she did want the comfort of her friends.
She shivers as she passes through the wards that protect the circle from the sight of Muggles. Light from the bonfire casts shadows on the ground and witches and wizards mill about, waiting to begin the rites for Samhain. The nerves that Lily has tried to ignore make themselves known to her and she wishes she could carry Harry for the strength it would give her.
Protocol does not allow that.
Sirius leads their group to the place of honor. She takes a deep breath and forces her trembling hands to stop. She puts on the mask of Lady Regent of House Potter and sets about preparing for this, the most important of rites.
The year anniversary after a death in the family holds great importance in the Wizarding world. Tradition means she would need to call forth the shade of James and allow him the chance to say his goodbyes or impart any last instructions. It’s meant to bring closure but she dreads it. Fears that the scrutiny under which she’ll perform the rite will cause her to make an error. Or that James will blame her for living while he died. Or tell her to leave Harry to Sirius to raise.
That she’s truly nothing more than a trumped up mudblood sullying the Ancient and Noble
House of Potter with her airs.
She shudders as Sirius squeezes her hand, telling her without words that it is time. And her wand is out without conscious thought and the Latin and ancient Welsh she memorized for just this occasion fall from her lips and light comes from her wand and she feels the magic building and building and -
James is before her, looking so much as he had that night a year ago. Bespectacled face with warm hazel eyes that shine with happiness that she is safe and Harry is there. She barely hears Sirius’ stutters or Remus’ shy voice or even Regulus’ calm one. She focuses on her husband and tears fall from her eyes because this is not fair. James should not be dead and Harry should not be tilting his head in confusion and she should not be saying her goodbyes on Samhain in the village green while their neighbors watch them with ill-concealed curiosity while performing their own rites.
“Lily-flower,” James says and she smiles despite herself, holding the memory of better times close to her heart.
“Oh, James,” she says and she raises a hand to touch him before letting it falter. He is not truly here; it is but a shade and she will never again feel his touch.
“I’m proud of you,” he says and she shakes her head. “No, I am,” he insists. “I know you’ve done my House proud and you will continue to do so.”
Tears fall from her eyes. He knows and she knows that the neighbors have heard this and will report it to others and her position is now secure in a way nothing that she or Sirius or Regulus have done in the past year. (Remus, sadly, holds no influence among the Wizards elite. His affliction keeps others from listening to him. It is unfair and they all hate it but they hold tight to the hope that one day it won’t matter.)
Regulus speaks and with a jab of his wand, they are cocooned in privacy. She has done the proper thing, has gotten the blessing of Lord Potter to hold the Regency and anything else James might want to say is not for public consumption. No one can complain at his actions, not and seem uncouth.
James speaks to Sirius and then Remus. Even Regulus gets a few words, though Lily is concentrating on holding Harry and not falling apart so doesn’t hear what is said. They might have a privacy spell up but it just prevents people from eavesdropping on them and she can’t afford to give them grist for the mill. Eventually, Sirius places a hand on her arm and jolts her out of her fugue.
“We’ll give you some privacy,” he says and his eyes are shining with unshed tears. She nods and watches as Remus, Regulus and he step outside the privacy bubble.
“James,” she whispers and her lips twist into a sad, sad smile.
“My Lily,” he says. He looks wistful as he looks at her and Harry. Her son squirms, wanting down from her arms so she sets him down, holding him to her side.
“Harry, this is your father,” she tells him and Harry looks up at the spectral figure of his father and waves his pudgy little hand towards him.
“‘lo,” he says, his voice full of shyness as he tilts his head up to look at him. James kneels down and stares at his son.
“You’re so big!” he says and smiles. “I wish I was there for you.”
Harry doesn’t know what to say and tugs on Lily’s robes. “I do too,” she answers for her son.
“James…”
He stands up and looks at her - at them. “I don’t regret it,” he says. “I would sacrifice myself to save you and our son a thousand times over.”
“I miss you,” she says and tears fall from her eyes.
“Oh, Lils…,” James gives her a smile full of sadness. “I wish I hadn’t had to leave you.”
“Me too.”
“Lily, promise me you won’t mourn me forever,” he says.
She frowns and looks away. “I…”
“No, Lily,” he says and his tone is full of an authority he had only used when was wholly serious.
“You’re young - too young - to remain alone for the rest of your life. You forget witches and wizards live longer than Muggles. And I won’t have you spending the rest of your life mourning me. Find someone. Find someone to share your life with.”
“But…” she protests because it’s been a year and she still loves James as much as she had when she married him.
“You don’t need to find someone now,” he says with an almost exasperated grin. “But… I won’t ask you to spend the rest of your life alone.”
“I love you,” she says.
“I know.” And there really isn’t anything more to be said. “There’s so much I want to say to you but…”
“What words to use?” she finished for him. She wipes tears from her face. “It’s not fair, James. We were supposed to have our whole lives together. Not…not this”
“You have Harry and you’ll keep Padfoot and Moony in line,” he says. “And one day… one day, we’ll be together again. Just not anytime soon.” He smiles with encouragement towards her.
“I wish…” she starts but can’t finish the sentence.
“Me too,” he says and his eyes are full of the heartbreak they both feel. That can’t be changed.
“Harry will know about you. The real you. Not the stuff the Ministry spouts,” she says.
“Don’t let him make the same mistakes I did,” he says.
“He’ll make the House of Potter proud,” she promises.
“I know he will,” he assures her.
“God, James…” she says and closes her eyes. This is torture, seeing him - hearing him and knowing that soon he’ll be gone. That he’s not going to come back and the only time she’ll see him is on nights like this. When the veil between the living and dead is so thin he can visit.
“You’ll be alright, Lily. Both of you,” James says and he sounds so positive of this that she has to believe him. “Let me talk to Harry for a bit.”
She nods, separating her robe from Harry’s hands and moving back to give them some privacy. She has no idea what he wants to tell his son or whether Harry will even comprehend it but he deserves this. Deserves the opportunity to impart whatever wisdom or pranks or whatever he wants to the son he’ll never see grow up.
Lily doesn’t know how long he takes but eventually he calls her attention. “Lily - take the barrier down,” he says and she nods, her wand in her hand and breaking through the spell Regulus set with an ease that should surprise her but doesn’t.
“Lord Black, Mister Black, Mister Lupin,” James intones and he sounds formal which can only mean he’s acting as Lord Potter and not James, their friend, their Prongs. “I thank you for your support of the Lady Potter and my son. I am pleased the alliances between our families has continued even past my death. I trust you will ensure my son grows into his position in our world with the same zeal you have taken in instructing my lady wife. I am proud of where House Potter stands and I know that it will continue to flourish under the stewardship of the Lady Regent and your guidance.” He bows with a formality only matched by the three named men and she loves him all the more, the way in which he has sealed his approval of her regency and their aid. The Traditionalists will have a hard time arguing that she should step down as Regent or that her son should be fostered out to someone else.
James disappears with the end of the ritual and Sirius takes up Harry once again as they head back to the manor. Lily feels emotionally exhausted and her companions look no different. She wants nothing more than to curl up in her bed and weep. Weep for the renewed sense of loss the mourning rite has given her and the knowledge that James is truly dead and gone.
***
The words James spoke spread throughout the Wizarding world like a wild fire during a drought. No one can challenge her position, not now. James might be dead but he was Lord Potter when he died and his word carries the weigh of thatt. Even better, he has ensured the place of Remus and Regulus as advisers and guardians to her son. Her life becomes a little easier. And so do theirs.
And Lily slowly grows used to the duties of Lady Regent of House Potter. She balances politics with motherhood and does her best to bring honor to the House. (She would rather study esoteric Charms as she did before that night but that will have to wait until after Harry ascends to his position.)
“You know,” Regulus drawls, “you don’t have to be perfect.”
She snorts. “You know that’s not true,” she counters. She tucks a piece of loose hair back behind an ear and puts down the quill with which she’s been taking notes.
“You’re Lady Potter,” he says and straightens from his slouch. “You’ve shown what you can do, that you can adopt Wizarding tradition and raise your son as befits his status.”
“And they’re just waiting to see me misstep,” she says.
“Those that are will never be satisfied with anything you do,” he says. “You need to relax more.”
“I just… I need to be able to leave House Potter in a position of strength when Harry takes over,” she explains. (She will bring honor to the House she has made her own.)
“Sirius won’t let you fall,” he says, stepping closer. She nods in acknowledgment because it is true. Sirius protects the interests of his godson with a ferocity for which few would give him credit, did they compare him to his time at school.
“Come, Lily,” he invites and holds out his hand for her to take. “The sun is shining and your gardens are blossoming. You should take a moment to appreciate your holdings.”
She can’t find an appropriate excuse and besides, she’s tired of looking at these be-damned reports. They will not disappear if she takes some time to herself. She allows him to help her from her seat and escort her to the gardens. Lets him distract her with amusing tidbits and anecdotes, of stories about Harry and a younger Sirius.
(Why Regulus can get her to relax when others cannot she will not think about.)
***
For her birthday, Lily receives an obscure book on Charms from Remus, an expensive and elegant writing set from Sirius, a series of drawings from Harry all bound in a leather book, and a customized wand holster from Regulus. Sirius looks startled when he sees it and starts to say something before thinking better of it and shutting his mouth. Later, after the celebratory lunch and Harry has gone off for his nap, she sees Sirius and Regulus having an intense discussion in the garden.
Remus stops her from interrupting.
“I don’t understand,” she protests.
Remus looks uncomfortable, avoiding her gaze for a moment before answering her, reluctance evident by voice and body language. “It’s… Sirius is just making sure Regulus knows what he is doing,” he finally says, which is both an answer and not.
***
Lily now spends her days reading reports and legislation from the Wizengamot. She attends scheduled sessions, Sirius by her side and Regulus at her back, whispering strategies and thoughts to her. Some afternoons, she meets the ladies of the elite she is now a part of for tea, a chance for her and them to subtly feel out the tides of politics. Lunch is for her and Harry and on those afternoons she doesn’t have teas or other appointments, she takes him to the park in the neighboring Muggle village.
She doesn’t want her son to grow up ignorant. (She wants him to experience the same things she did when growing up. The Muggle world has much to offer despite what some Wizards believe and she won’t hide from that. She is a Muggleborn as much as she is Lady Regent of House Potter.)
Harry is her son and Lord Potter. She holds his House for him until he’s of age but she is also his mother. She doesn’t want him to grow up without her; she insists that he knows her love. She will not have him act the little Lord, too arrogant and assured of his position. No, he will be a little boy who knows love, but more than that, he will grow into his position and not have it thrust onto him.
(As happened to James.)
“Augusta wants us to start tutoring Neville on his duties,” Alice sighs. The two boys are playing in the garden, digging in the dirt and playing ‘let’s pretend.’
“He’s not even three!” Lily says.
“Frank began his lessons then,” she says and turns from the scene.
“He’s your child too,” Lily points out. The clatter of the tea cup hitting the saucer echoes loudly in the room.
“He’s the heir,” Alice says and that answer encompasses within it everything that Lily hates about the Wizarding world. (Alice is a Halfblood and a woman to boot; her brother received the training Harry and Neville will get. Alice only had to marry well and that she loves Frank is a bonus. Of far more importance are the business arrangements brought about by their marriage.)
“He’s a child,” Lily counters because she has to believe that this world she’s made her own isn’t stuck in the nineteenth or eighteenth century. (It’s a futile wish.)
“He’s the heir,” Alice repeats and smiles. “You know, you’ve adapted so well, so quickly. Became the Lady Regent of House Potter and became a political force of your own that it’s easy to forget you didn’t grow up like this. That you’re Muggleborn.”
Lily shrugs, feeling awkward for reasons she can’t quite explain. “I did it to protect my son.”
Alice nods and lays a hand on Lily’s forearm. “I understand. You did what any mother might do. And now House Potter is a respected traditionalist house with liberal tendencies.”
“I hate politics,” she says. And it’s true. “I never wanted this. Any of this.” She gestures towards the study where the week’s reports sit, stacked on top of another with notes haphazardly strewn about the desk.
“You’ll raise your son well and he’ll… be everything the Lord Potter should be,” Alice says. “He’ll make James proud.”
Lily snickers. “Please. He’ll only make James’ proud if he start pranking everyone.”
“You know that’s not true,” Alice chides.
“No,” Lily agrees, “it’s not.”
***
“Do you think James would be proud of how I’m raising Harry?” Lily asks later that night. Utensils clatter to the table, sounding loud in the suddenly silent dining room.
“Please tell me you’re joking,” Remus says, having recovered first. All three of them have astonished looks on their faces, mouths gaping as if they didn’t have words to respond to her question.
She shakes her head, puts down the fork she’s pretended to use and clasps her hands around the stem of her wine glass. She avoids their gazes, wanting to say this. “It’s just… I was talking to Alice today and she made a comment about James. And…” She sighs. “I can’t help but wonder what our life would be like if James hadn’t died.”
“Oh, Lily,” Remus says. He looks to Sirius with helpless eyes; Regulus has his hands hidden under the table, holding himself utterly still as if he might shatter should he move. And Sirius closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before answering.
“We’ve all done things, become things we wouldn’t have, had James lived,” he admits, his voice shaky withe motion. “I certainly wouldn’t have taken my position up in the Wizengamot if he had. But, Lily… you’re not doing anything that James wouldn’t have if he had had to face what you have.”
“I want to believe that,” she says.
“Believe it,” Regulus says and his voice is hoarse with suppressed emotion and he refuses to meet her gaze. “Everything you’ve done has been to protect your son. Don’t let anyone say anything different.”
She holds still for a breath and then nods. He’s right. (Why his assurance succeeds in calming her when those of Sirius and Remus and Alice do not, she won’t examine. Not yet. Maybe not ever.)
***
Lughnasadh comes and Harry turns three and the Potter-Black bloc gets a new bill passed that will teach all first years Wizarding or Muggle culture, depending on their upbringing. She can’t stop grinning, pleased that something she’s worked on for so long has come to fruition. (She and Sirius and Frank and Amelia will drag the Wizarding world into the twentieth century, no matter how long it takes.)
She bites into a crisp apple, laughs as Sirius drags her onto the dance floor and twirls her around.
Giggles as she pushes him towards Freya Magnusdottir, a Norwegian Muggleborn witch with whom he’s been flirting since she moved to Britain and joined the Aurors. Remus has a mug of butterbeer and is talking to a group of their friends from Hogwarts. Lily grins when she sees Marlene circle his waist with her arm. (Remus deserves love even if he doesn’t see it.)
Harry comes careening onto the green, laughing as his short legs pump furiously to keep ahead of Regulus. He chases her son, mock-growling, until they reach her side and Harry begs her to protect him.
“Always my son,” she promises. Regulus grins into her eyes and ruffles Harry’s hair and pops off to pick up some refreshment.
“How’s my birthday boy?” she asks and bends down to kiss the top of his head. He grins up at her and tells her everything he and Regulus have been up to all day. She smiles and nods and wishes James was here with her.
(Her son deserves his father. James died too damned young.)
***
The second anniversary of James’ death and Voldemort’s defeat arrives and Lily decides that Harry should experience Halloween like she had when she was growing up. In the Wizarding world, Halloween is Samhain, even if they celebrated it as Halloween at Hogwarts. The Purebloods and Halfbloods and the interested Muggleborns celebrate the Samhain rites late at night, after the feast. Lily first celebrates the rites after she and James started dating. From a purely academic view, she found it interesting but she didn’t understand any of what she did.
After James is dead, Sirius and Regulus teach her what James hadn’t had the time to do and Alice hadn’t. She wishes he had. She wishes she didn’t need to know it as perfectly as she does. But to protect her son, she’ll move mountains.
Last year, she had to perform the last of the mourning rites; this year, she can get away with the more general rites. She misses James and almost wishes she could call up his shade again just to speak with him; she won’t though. He is dead and disturbing his rest for reassurance is selfish.
(She won’t subject him to the morbid curiosity of others. Tradition states only a family member can disturb the rest of the dead. She’s never been more grateful for that, not when even now the Wizarding world holds her husband up as an icon of the Light.)
Lily focuses on helping Harry enjoy Halloween. She finds a costume for him to wear and purchases a plastic cauldron for him to collect his candy. They carve jack-o’lanterns together and roast pumpkin seeds. They go to a nearby Muggle village and knock on doors to gain his treats. And later, as the moon rises and the hour grows late, she dresses him in his robes and they go to the village green, this time to celebrate Samhain with their Wizard neighbors.
***
Lily enrolls Harry in a playgroup in the neighboring Muggle village. He needs to socialize with more than just adults or the odd play date with Susan or Neville. He knows to keep quiet about magic and returns homes asking if they can get a television.
Regulus, Remus and she work for months to figure out the charms that will allow for it. The first night she watches BBC-1, she feels like she’s recaptured a part of herself that’s been missing. She resolves to no longer lose sight of who she is in favor of playing the part of Lady Regent of House Potter. She is more than that.
***
It takes her until after the third birthday she celebrates without James to realize Regulus has been steadily courting her. (In actuality, she doesn’t figure it out; Alice informs her.) Once she does, the gifts he has given her make so much more sense. The silver girdle from that first Samhain, the wand holster for her birthday, an anthame for Yule, a set of obsidian rune stones the year she turns twenty-six, a Goblin-made goblet for Beltane, a granite altar, a Welsh gold armlet.
“They’re traditional gifts,” Alice explains.
“James never -” Lily starts to say but Alice shakes her head.
“When I say traditional, I mean traditional,” she says. “The Blacks… well, they’ve always held the traditions in high regard. And the Potters have been liberal for several generations. Even still, James did give you your altar cloth. Had your courtship progressed longer, you would have ended up with many of the items Regulus has given to you.”
“Oh,” she says. Lily doesn’t know how to respond. It’s been over three years since James died and she misses him every day. She wonders what their life would be like, whether they would have children other than Harry by now. Whether he and Sirius would have attacked the old-fashioned values the Wizarding world holds to with the same vigor she and Sirius do now. (She knows they probably wouldn’t have, mostly because Sirius admits the only reason he’s involved in politics is because of Harry.)
James told her he didn’t want her to remain alone for the rest of her life, but it isn’t something she’s thought about. A part of her can’t imagine marrying someone else, lying next to them at night, sharing her body with him.
Another part, the part she’s buried when she placed her husband in the ground, misses the companionship she shared with James. The knowledge that she belong s to someone and they belong to her.
“What are you going to do, Lily?” Alice asks, her brow furrowed with worry. “Soon, he will ask for an answer.”
“I… I honestly don’t know,” she admits. She twirls a piece of her hair around her finger and purses her lips in contemplation. “I’ve never really thought of marrying again.”
“Surely you’re not considering accepting?” Alice asks and she sounds half-scandalized. “Lily - he was a Death Eater!”
Lily raises an eyebrow at the shock. “He turned away from Voldemort and helped us win the war,” she points out.
Alice has the grace to flush with embarrassment. She was part of the Order and was present at the meeting where Regulus Black changed the tenor of the war for the Light. “Still, you won’t speak to Snape… why is Regulus different? Surely if you wish to more firmly cement the alliance between House Potter and House Black you could choose Sirius.”
“First of all,” Lily snaps, “Sirius is betrothed to Freya. Secondly, he would never disrespect James in such a way.” (Best friends, godson to their son, Sirius would have married her to protect them but he does not love her and would never have shared her bed. Not when he’d feel that he was taking something that belonged to James.)
“And why is Regulus any different?” Alice asks.
“He wasn’t best friends with James,” she immediately replies. That is the fundamental difference between the two Black brothers. Both of them respect her and love Harry. They would protect her son with their life. But to Sirius, she will always be James’ wife. To Regulus, she is Lily Evans Potter, Lady Regent of House Potter and someone who has never looked down on him for following his parent’s wishes and joining Voldemort.
“Lily… you need to be careful,” Alice warns. (Lily wonders just what her friend has heard.)
“I’m always careful,” she says.
***
Lily approaches Remus first because Remus will tell her the truth if she asks him. (She thinks he does because he’s grateful she’s hired him as Harry’s tutor and won’t do her the discourtesy of pretending she doesn’t deserve the truth if she actually asks.)
“How long have you known Regulus was courting me?” she demands.
Remus drops the book he’s reading in his lap (the diary of Septimus Angrhrod, if she recognizes it correctly) and gapes at her. He gathers his composure shortly thereafter and carefully places it on the side table. “He may have mentioned his intentions several years ago,” he says.
It is Lily’s turn to gape. “Years?” she finally croaks out.
He nods.
Silence reigns for several moments and then -
“How many people know about this?” She narrows her eyes after Remus averts his eyes in a guilty fashion. “Remus?” she demands and taps her foot impatiently.
“Um… I imagine several people of our acquaintance.”
“And when was he planning on informing me?”
“Lily…” Remus begins, and he looks at her with such a gentle look that she knows she’s going to feel stupid as soon as he says what he does. “We all of us figured you knew. The gifts are rather… well, they’re a pretty obvious clue.”
“Except I’m Muggleborn and don’t know all the traditions!” she almost shouts, throwing her hands up in the air. “I have no idea what he is thinking!”
“Oh,” he says and looks abashed.
***
James once commented that she was never as beautiful as when she was on a rampage. Lily storms through her house, seeking Regulus to demand just what he’s thinking. She finds him in the television room, Harry on his lap as they watch an educational program. It derails her entirely and she takes in the picture.
There can be no doubt that he cares for her son; watching them together, she considers for the first time that maybe, just maybe, Regulus has actually considered what he is doing. That he’s not acting off the cuff. (Actually, the giving of courtship gifts suggests he has thought about this, that he genuinely wants her. And she knows that he knows her and not Lily Potter, the Lady Regent of House Potter. He has helped raise her son, just as Sirius and Remus have. But, unlike Remus and Sirius, the last of the Marauders, Regulus has never considered James Potter his best friend and brother in all but blood.)
She leans against the door jamb and just watches.
“Lily!” Regulus says and smiles when he finally notices her. “How long have you been there?”
“Not long,” she says and walks in to sit next to him. Harry scrambles into her lap and immediately tells her all about his day. And for the first time, she acknowledges the way Regulus casually lets his body touch hers, the way he trails his finger against her arm in a casual manner.
And it freaks her out as much for what it means than anything else.
***
Later that night, Sirius comes to the study she’s barricaded herself in and takes a seat. “Remus mentioned you finally figured out what Reggie’s doing,” he says.
“Apparently, it was quite obvious,” she replies and there is a bite in her voice, enough that he grimaces under her gaze.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“For what?” she asks. “Not telling me? Or…”
He shrugs. “You’re upset. I don’t like it when you’re upset.”
She laughs and he smiles in response. “Merlin, Sirius. What is going on?”
He looks confused and well he might. She’s not making any sense. “Lily?”
“Why me?” She doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get why Regulus would want to marry her when she is still half in love with her dead husband and struggling to juggle her duties as Lady Regent and mother to Harry. When she’s never even considered Regulus in a romantic manner.
And he has to know all this.
“How could he not?” Sirius asks. He seems genuinely astonished at her question. “Lily…” he begins, leaning closer to her and taking her hand in his. “Lily,” he repeats, “You are an amazing woman. James loved you because you were brilliant and sassy and gorgeous. You were his partner, so unlike the girls with whom we both grew up. You embraced magic and tried to learn the traditions important to him. And now? I don’t think you realize just how amazing you are. You took on a role that even women who’ve grown up in Pureblood or Halfblood Households have not managed! And you’re changing things without throwing away what is important to us.”
Lily feels herself blush and averts her eyes from his. She does tighten her hand around his though, needing the physical comfort it brings. “Is that really how you see me? How… he sees me?”
“Yes,” Sirius says and his voice is firm with conviction. “Regulus courts you because he genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I…” his voice trails off and his eyes take a distant cast, seeing something she cannot. (James once told her that Sirius suffered after his parents disowned him. That it hurt him terribly to see his brother give him the cut direct at school. She remembers how desperately he tried to deny that Regulus had joined the Death Eaters - and how something inside him had died when they saw the Mark on his arm before they graduated. How that same part came alive once again that night all those years ago when Regulus stumbled into his flat, begging for help.)
“Regulus does this because he wants you. I don’t think he ever thought he’d find someone after everything that happened. Just… Lily, please don’t hurt him,” he says.
She nods because she understands. Understands what Sirius won’t says, perhaps cannot say. And she doesn’t know how to respond because this is not something she ever considered, no matter that James told her to find love again.
***
“So now you know,” Regulus says, his voice as calm as ever. He stands before her, his hands held behind his back, dressed in some of his finer robes. He looks the aristocratic man he is, his face emotionless but his eyes… his eyes cannot hide how he feels.
“Now, I know,” Lily agrees. She smiles, biting her lip as she tries to decide what to say.
“Please, don’t say anything,” he says. She frowns with confusion. “Lily,” he begins, sounding careful as if he’s afraid of spooking her, “I admit I should have told you that I wanted to court you, but I was selfish and didn’t want to lose my hope. Now that you know… can you please just consider it? Please?”
He looks desperate and half-resigned, as if he’s certain she’ll refuse. And she’s loath to hurt him by rejecting him. He has grown into one of her closest friends in the years since James’ death. She already loves him but not as a lover should. Not as a wife should.
And yet… what would the harm be in seeing where this could go? Is it fair to reject him now, after she has just discovered his intentions? Would it not be better to see if maybe, just maybe she can give him what he wants?
So she nods and agrees and he smiles brilliantly.
***
Several years later, she sits in her study and Regulus leans down to nuzzle against her head, his hands automatically caressing the bulging belly that holds their unborn child. “Do you have any regrets, my love?” he asks.
She pauses for a moment and slowly shakes her head. She is Lily Black but still Lady Regent of House Potter. Her son is learning the Potter Family history with a gusto about which no one can complain. He is shaping into a fine Head of the family. A part of her still loves James and always will. He waits for her, in the hereafter and Regulus knows this.
Just as he and she both know that James has given them his blessing for their marriage. She has done as he asked and found love again. And Regulus truly does love her.
“No. I would not give up anything that has happened, not the pain, not the heartbreak. This is my life and it is a good one,” she finally says. And he smiles and leans down to kiss her and she knows who she is.
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