fic for shadowclub: Eyes Wide Shut (Snape, McGonagall, Harry, Draco, PG)
Title: Eyes Wide Shut
Author: alexajohnson
Recipient: shadowclub
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy
Summary: Severus Snape lives, and everyone, Snape included, has to cope with his survival.
Author's Note: Many, many thanks to virginia_bell for the chats and the marvelous beta, and to the mods for putting up with me and my lateness! Hope you like this, mystery giftee!
--
Severus: "This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…especially Potter's son…I want your word!"
Dumbledore: "My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?"
--Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, pg. 679
"So that's why you fled. You were protecting us."
This is the first thing Minerva can say to him, and of all his colleagues, Severus thinks he will miss her friendship the most. He is not expecting her to want to be anywhere near him after all this is over, and he does not fault her for that. It is only what he deserves.
He remains impassive. "Yes."
She has an indescribable look on her face. "Why did you never say anything-confide anything to me when you were installed as Headmaster?"
He gives her a twisted smile. "Would you have really believed Albus Dumbledore's murderer?"
"You never gave me a chance, Severus."
"I-could not have borne your contempt had I shown you everything and you had still chosen to hate me for being able to go through with everything. Aside from Dumbledore, you have been my one confidant. I have dealt with suspicion and loathing my whole life, but from you…it would have been unbearable."
"So instead you let me hate you because you were afraid telling me wouldn't change anything?"
"You said it yourself, Minerva," he says with a weary sigh, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with being alive and the bleakness stretching before him that only gets longer. "I am a coward."
"No," and he is so startled by the ferocity in her voice that he hardly knows what to think. "Severus, you bloody fool-why didn't you just tell me? I could murder Albus again myself for the things he's done to you, and the Potter boy too-"
Then he looks into her face, and is shocked to see that-
She is crying.
"I don't want your pity, Minerva-"
"It's not pity, you idiot! Can't you see that? Merlin-you could've died, knowing I despised you almost as much as Voldemort himself! Can't you see how unbearable that would've been for me?"
And that thought had not even crossed his mind.
"You really loved my mother, didn't you?"
He is cleaning out his office when the Potter boy finds him, and even though he has known this confrontation will come, he is not in the least bit thrilled at the prospect of facing the inevitable.
Of all this, that is the one thing Severus regrets the most-that he has lived after giving Potter a window into his soul, into his life, and that he will continue to live with the boy mocking him with them.
Like father, like son…
"Hard to believe, isn't it?" The words are harsh, but absent of self-pity. "Yes, I loved your mother, Potter. The only way I knew how."
"What's hard to believe," Potter says slowly, thoughtfully, "is that someone who was hardly ever shown any love at all was able to love someone as much as you loved your mother. My aunt, uncle, and cousin may have been horrible, but at least I was given the knowledge that my parents loved me, more than life itself. Yet you, who didn't even know what love was, loved my mother even though you had no reason to. And for that I owe you my life."
His lips curl. "I didn't do anything for you-"
"I know, sir, I know."
Severus doesn't know what it is, but he hears something different in the Potter boy's voice, and he turns to look at him, and really does look.
There is something different in his face, too.
Or perhaps it has always been there, and Dumbledore has been right all this time-that he has only been seeing what he has wanted to see, that he has been looking at Potter with his eyes wide shut.
"Sir-you are one of the bravest men I've ever known, and will probably ever know. I do respect you-I just want you to know that."
Severus blinks.
This is not what he expected.
"You don't have to say anything," Potter continues, his face a mixture of emotion that even Severus is having a hard time reading, "I just want you to know that there are no more debts. I know you hate that I have the knowledge I do now, and whether or not it will help, we'll never have to speak of it again. You can even Obliviate me, if you really want to. But-I'm glad to know. I think my mother would have wanted others to know of the goodness within you, even if you feel you don't deserve that."
He doesn't, but for the first time, he finds that he actually is able to believe the boy.
"Father's going to Azkaban, probably for the rest of his life. Not even he will be able to get out of a sentence this time. Mother's a wreck, the Manor is under Ministry control, and our name is dirtier than mud. We've lost most of our fortune, and-I honestly don't know what to do."
This is the first time he has seen Draco since the end of the war three weeks ago, and the boy is not looking well. He is thinner, grayer, his former pride replaced by a wearied slump in his shoulders, tired eyes, and an empty voice.
"I wish I felt some remorse for my father, or even sympathy for my mother, because I know how important family is to her. But I can't. It's like-I can't even feel anything anymore. I know I should be taking charge, now that I'm the oldest male in the house, but-I just don't care."
Severus knows what that's like, but seeing it on Draco is almost physically painful. Malfoys never quit or show any kind of vulnerability, and even in his sixth year, when the boy had been stuck between impossible choices ,he had managed to hold himself together, at least in public.
Severus has thought many times about leaving, but he will never be able to run from memories and a past that will follow him around for the rest of his life, no matter where he is.
He knows he will never be able to forget Lily, and he does not even want to. Perhaps, though, doing something because he wants to-and because he wants to do it for her-will finally allow him to move on and loosen the burden of the ghosts of his past.
"I have always wished that I could guide you more freely, but there have always been certain restrictions on what I could say, those of which you know now. I am not entirely sure where you heart lies at the moment, but I could-mentor and help you, if you would let me."
Draco smiles, but even Severus can see that it is full of bitterness. "All I wanted was to protect my family, you know. I may have disliked the Old Fool, but I could never have killed him, even if you hadn't stepped in. I resented that because I was afraid for my parents, but now I see it wouldn't have made a bit of difference either way. I've been so idiotic."
He sighs harshly, runs a hand through his slightly ragged blond hair. "I've always respected you, sir. Even now. I don't know why you would, but…I would be honored if you were my mentor."
Severus clasps the boy on the shoulder. He has never really known how to offer comfort, but this feels right. "At least we understand each other, you and I. And that is a good place to start."
Yes, it is time for him to move on.
But there is one thing he has to do first.
He hasn't ever been able to visit her grave, even right after her murder.
He has equated saying goodbye with letting her go, and he hasn't been ready to do either. That would have also required facing his past head on, and he hasn't known if he'd ever be able to do that.
Yes, he has been a coward, and while a part of him does still wish that he hadn't been granted this second chance at life, he thinks he is ready to try again.
He has essentially been living his life for her, to in some way atone for his part in her death. It didn't matter that he hadn't known the Dark Lord had his sights set anywhere near the Potters and their son, for he still blamed himself.
A part of him still does even now, but now that his debts have been paid, he thinks he might finally be able to live with his past instead of attempting to run from it.
And Draco will help.
Head bent and hands clasped in front of him, he is ready.
"I will never forget you. But now-I can at last say goodbye."
When he finally leaves the graveyard, he doesn't look back once.
FINIS
Author: alexajohnson
Recipient: shadowclub
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy
Summary: Severus Snape lives, and everyone, Snape included, has to cope with his survival.
Author's Note: Many, many thanks to virginia_bell for the chats and the marvelous beta, and to the mods for putting up with me and my lateness! Hope you like this, mystery giftee!
--
Severus: "This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…especially Potter's son…I want your word!"
Dumbledore: "My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?"
--Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, pg. 679
"So that's why you fled. You were protecting us."
This is the first thing Minerva can say to him, and of all his colleagues, Severus thinks he will miss her friendship the most. He is not expecting her to want to be anywhere near him after all this is over, and he does not fault her for that. It is only what he deserves.
He remains impassive. "Yes."
She has an indescribable look on her face. "Why did you never say anything-confide anything to me when you were installed as Headmaster?"
He gives her a twisted smile. "Would you have really believed Albus Dumbledore's murderer?"
"You never gave me a chance, Severus."
"I-could not have borne your contempt had I shown you everything and you had still chosen to hate me for being able to go through with everything. Aside from Dumbledore, you have been my one confidant. I have dealt with suspicion and loathing my whole life, but from you…it would have been unbearable."
"So instead you let me hate you because you were afraid telling me wouldn't change anything?"
"You said it yourself, Minerva," he says with a weary sigh, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with being alive and the bleakness stretching before him that only gets longer. "I am a coward."
"No," and he is so startled by the ferocity in her voice that he hardly knows what to think. "Severus, you bloody fool-why didn't you just tell me? I could murder Albus again myself for the things he's done to you, and the Potter boy too-"
Then he looks into her face, and is shocked to see that-
She is crying.
"I don't want your pity, Minerva-"
"It's not pity, you idiot! Can't you see that? Merlin-you could've died, knowing I despised you almost as much as Voldemort himself! Can't you see how unbearable that would've been for me?"
And that thought had not even crossed his mind.
"You really loved my mother, didn't you?"
He is cleaning out his office when the Potter boy finds him, and even though he has known this confrontation will come, he is not in the least bit thrilled at the prospect of facing the inevitable.
Of all this, that is the one thing Severus regrets the most-that he has lived after giving Potter a window into his soul, into his life, and that he will continue to live with the boy mocking him with them.
Like father, like son…
"Hard to believe, isn't it?" The words are harsh, but absent of self-pity. "Yes, I loved your mother, Potter. The only way I knew how."
"What's hard to believe," Potter says slowly, thoughtfully, "is that someone who was hardly ever shown any love at all was able to love someone as much as you loved your mother. My aunt, uncle, and cousin may have been horrible, but at least I was given the knowledge that my parents loved me, more than life itself. Yet you, who didn't even know what love was, loved my mother even though you had no reason to. And for that I owe you my life."
His lips curl. "I didn't do anything for you-"
"I know, sir, I know."
Severus doesn't know what it is, but he hears something different in the Potter boy's voice, and he turns to look at him, and really does look.
There is something different in his face, too.
Or perhaps it has always been there, and Dumbledore has been right all this time-that he has only been seeing what he has wanted to see, that he has been looking at Potter with his eyes wide shut.
"Sir-you are one of the bravest men I've ever known, and will probably ever know. I do respect you-I just want you to know that."
Severus blinks.
This is not what he expected.
"You don't have to say anything," Potter continues, his face a mixture of emotion that even Severus is having a hard time reading, "I just want you to know that there are no more debts. I know you hate that I have the knowledge I do now, and whether or not it will help, we'll never have to speak of it again. You can even Obliviate me, if you really want to. But-I'm glad to know. I think my mother would have wanted others to know of the goodness within you, even if you feel you don't deserve that."
He doesn't, but for the first time, he finds that he actually is able to believe the boy.
"Father's going to Azkaban, probably for the rest of his life. Not even he will be able to get out of a sentence this time. Mother's a wreck, the Manor is under Ministry control, and our name is dirtier than mud. We've lost most of our fortune, and-I honestly don't know what to do."
This is the first time he has seen Draco since the end of the war three weeks ago, and the boy is not looking well. He is thinner, grayer, his former pride replaced by a wearied slump in his shoulders, tired eyes, and an empty voice.
"I wish I felt some remorse for my father, or even sympathy for my mother, because I know how important family is to her. But I can't. It's like-I can't even feel anything anymore. I know I should be taking charge, now that I'm the oldest male in the house, but-I just don't care."
Severus knows what that's like, but seeing it on Draco is almost physically painful. Malfoys never quit or show any kind of vulnerability, and even in his sixth year, when the boy had been stuck between impossible choices ,he had managed to hold himself together, at least in public.
Severus has thought many times about leaving, but he will never be able to run from memories and a past that will follow him around for the rest of his life, no matter where he is.
He knows he will never be able to forget Lily, and he does not even want to. Perhaps, though, doing something because he wants to-and because he wants to do it for her-will finally allow him to move on and loosen the burden of the ghosts of his past.
"I have always wished that I could guide you more freely, but there have always been certain restrictions on what I could say, those of which you know now. I am not entirely sure where you heart lies at the moment, but I could-mentor and help you, if you would let me."
Draco smiles, but even Severus can see that it is full of bitterness. "All I wanted was to protect my family, you know. I may have disliked the Old Fool, but I could never have killed him, even if you hadn't stepped in. I resented that because I was afraid for my parents, but now I see it wouldn't have made a bit of difference either way. I've been so idiotic."
He sighs harshly, runs a hand through his slightly ragged blond hair. "I've always respected you, sir. Even now. I don't know why you would, but…I would be honored if you were my mentor."
Severus clasps the boy on the shoulder. He has never really known how to offer comfort, but this feels right. "At least we understand each other, you and I. And that is a good place to start."
Yes, it is time for him to move on.
But there is one thing he has to do first.
He hasn't ever been able to visit her grave, even right after her murder.
He has equated saying goodbye with letting her go, and he hasn't been ready to do either. That would have also required facing his past head on, and he hasn't known if he'd ever be able to do that.
Yes, he has been a coward, and while a part of him does still wish that he hadn't been granted this second chance at life, he thinks he is ready to try again.
He has essentially been living his life for her, to in some way atone for his part in her death. It didn't matter that he hadn't known the Dark Lord had his sights set anywhere near the Potters and their son, for he still blamed himself.
A part of him still does even now, but now that his debts have been paid, he thinks he might finally be able to live with his past instead of attempting to run from it.
And Draco will help.
Head bent and hands clasped in front of him, he is ready.
"I will never forget you. But now-I can at last say goodbye."
When he finally leaves the graveyard, he doesn't look back once.
FINIS