(no subject)
I'm debating about whether I should make this happy and cheerful or just bleh. And then whether I should put stuff in here, or post it on hers, or just be completely cryptic about the whole thing.
Have you ever had a reocurring day dream? It's mostly a dream. I just start it, usually with feelings. And I can control it to a point. They're not as strange as dreams I have during my REM cycle. And all of them re-occur, until I somehow move on. But mine is stuck in this one scene. Or thought... *frowns* it's hard to explain, so I'll just write the whole
It starts out where I'm about 19 or 20, on a park bench, laying there, looking up at the stars, in the early hours of the morning. I'm smoking a cigarette, and also completely wasted. This guy comes up to me and says, "Don't you know those are bad for you?" I smile, way out of it. Then I just start puking, he comes over and holds my hair which is all knotted, matted and down to my butt. My dream self doesn't remember any of this, but I do. The next morning I wake up with a horrible hangover, laying on a couch. This same guy is there, and his roomate (complete dork) tells me what happened, while this guy is all humble. I don't remember what his name is, but it starts with 'R'. He tells me I should really quit that crap before someone not as nice as him finds me. I say it's already happened, but they can't hurt me any worse than I already feel. I remember feeling panicy, combing my long hair back with my hands and clutching it, frantically. I shove empty vodka bottles into my bag, and realize I can't find my stash, he's taken it from me.
A while passes, and he keeps looking out for me. He takes it away from me everytime he can, and stops me from finding a dealer. He's maybe 23, and he had a drug problem. He's only a year out of withdrawal. He's really hot too.
This last part is blurry. I always snap out of it by the time it gets here and it's frustruating. I mean, I move forward a little bit each day, but not alot. Apparently a year or so has passed, and we're at atholton, in the english office with a bunch of my old english teachers. They notice that I twitch alot, like Mr. Mackechnie does ALL THE TIME. So he asks straightout if I'm on drugs. And I respond that I'm a week into withdrawal, because I'm pregnant. That's where it always ends, then I finally got a new part. Where it's a few months later and the guy with the 'R' name goes back to the school. I'm not with him, but I think he's picking up a sister that goes there. He runs into Mr. Mackechnie and he asks how I am. 'R' says unfortunately I had a miscarriage so I'm back on drugs, and they were both very sad...
My day was a downer. It had some ups, but the overall feeling I'm getting is bleh. Tomorrow, the Dr. Phil show is focusing on a woman that is such a pushover and never tells anyone how she really feels. I might watch it, because I can relate. Trust me, when you're worrying about moving because it will annoy your cat, or sacrifice your own feelings so someone else won't be unhappy, even when you're in pain, then it's pretty bad. There's selfless, and then there's pushover. Fine line. And that's how I feel right now.
Have you ever had a reocurring day dream? It's mostly a dream. I just start it, usually with feelings. And I can control it to a point. They're not as strange as dreams I have during my REM cycle. And all of them re-occur, until I somehow move on. But mine is stuck in this one scene. Or thought... *frowns* it's hard to explain, so I'll just write the whole
It starts out where I'm about 19 or 20, on a park bench, laying there, looking up at the stars, in the early hours of the morning. I'm smoking a cigarette, and also completely wasted. This guy comes up to me and says, "Don't you know those are bad for you?" I smile, way out of it. Then I just start puking, he comes over and holds my hair which is all knotted, matted and down to my butt. My dream self doesn't remember any of this, but I do. The next morning I wake up with a horrible hangover, laying on a couch. This same guy is there, and his roomate (complete dork) tells me what happened, while this guy is all humble. I don't remember what his name is, but it starts with 'R'. He tells me I should really quit that crap before someone not as nice as him finds me. I say it's already happened, but they can't hurt me any worse than I already feel. I remember feeling panicy, combing my long hair back with my hands and clutching it, frantically. I shove empty vodka bottles into my bag, and realize I can't find my stash, he's taken it from me.
A while passes, and he keeps looking out for me. He takes it away from me everytime he can, and stops me from finding a dealer. He's maybe 23, and he had a drug problem. He's only a year out of withdrawal. He's really hot too.
This last part is blurry. I always snap out of it by the time it gets here and it's frustruating. I mean, I move forward a little bit each day, but not alot. Apparently a year or so has passed, and we're at atholton, in the english office with a bunch of my old english teachers. They notice that I twitch alot, like Mr. Mackechnie does ALL THE TIME. So he asks straightout if I'm on drugs. And I respond that I'm a week into withdrawal, because I'm pregnant. That's where it always ends, then I finally got a new part. Where it's a few months later and the guy with the 'R' name goes back to the school. I'm not with him, but I think he's picking up a sister that goes there. He runs into Mr. Mackechnie and he asks how I am. 'R' says unfortunately I had a miscarriage so I'm back on drugs, and they were both very sad...
My day was a downer. It had some ups, but the overall feeling I'm getting is bleh. Tomorrow, the Dr. Phil show is focusing on a woman that is such a pushover and never tells anyone how she really feels. I might watch it, because I can relate. Trust me, when you're worrying about moving because it will annoy your cat, or sacrifice your own feelings so someone else won't be unhappy, even when you're in pain, then it's pretty bad. There's selfless, and then there's pushover. Fine line. And that's how I feel right now.