(no subject)
Well, I was going to restrict this month. Then came the tonsillitis. After spending three hours waiting around in some doctor's office, I found out I was also going to need a tonsillectomy. Well, all of that made restricting futile for the two weeks I was sick before the surgery and the ten day healing period afterward. Though it's not like I could eat much with two huge holes on either side of my throat. It was an odd experience because I was hardly eating - as though I was restricting - but I was consuming things I'd never touch during restriction; sherbet, ice cream, mashed potatoes... So I lost some weight (ten pounds) according to the number on the doctor's scale and what my scale says now. But who knows how much of that is really anything I've lost and just a discrepancy between the two.
I had decided, once I found out that I was going to have surgery, to just wait until the first of May to begin restricting again. You know, give myself enough time to heal and all of that. Well, this lead to hoarding binge food to use during the week I'm able to actually eat after surgery and before I'd have to quit for starvation. But now I'm not sure if I really want to risk gaining more weight (since my metab. has probably already slowed down after hardly eating the past week). I wonder if I should just eat it anyway and make it easier to lose weight next week or if I should just c/s it all... blah. C/s'ing really disrupts the flow of a binge, anyway.
Ugh, I have roughly 30 lbs to lose before I can even get back to my "usual" weight. It's horrifying weighing this much. I finally take up as much space as I once imagined. You know, I was always fat before, but at the time I thought I was huge. Then... I began to realize maybe I wasn't that huge (which was an amazing realization for me). Sure, I was covered in disgusting lard, but I didn't take up near as much space as I might have thought. But the past few months have made the exaggerated body a tangible one. I have finally reached that point where I could lose 100 lbs and still be alive. It feels horrible.
The thought of purging was really getting to me while I was sick, too... Ugh, and so I had my poor boyfriend call me, all the way from England, and then of course I didn't have the courage to bring up the real issue I wanted to get out. So he was about to go while I started crying (but trying to be quiet about it) at wasting the opportunity, and I guess he heard me. So we did end up discussing it... and god, it helped like nothing else. It wasn't even what he said so much as the fact that he was willing to say anything. He listened to my whining and crying and tried to reassure me. Knowing that he cared enough to do that (which I already knew, but I guess I was in need of a refresher) made things feel so much better. It helped me realize (all over again) that I have someone who cares too much about me to make purging worth it. That I have something good and it's not necessary to do that to myself. This is really a "break through" I guess.
Also, sadly, as I'm writing this, my best friend is telling me about how he wants to be at a weight that'd probably put him at a BMI of 18 even though he knows it's not healthy. He focuses too much on food and weight sometimes. It really bothers me. About four years ago, he had one of those god awful "ana wannabe" girlfriends. She would actually talk about how she was going eat a bunch of cake and throw it up or "like, only have a pretzel today because it's only 6 calories omg!!" right in front of us. She went out of her way have these conversations. It made me sick. I had made a point of never broadcasting my own eating disorder to anyone - at that time, no one in my life was anywhere close to knowing (and my friend still has absolutely no idea). I knew better than to worry other people like that. Well, it was pretty obvious as a girl with an e.d. that his girlfriend was just playing it up for attention and was nowhere near actually having a real disorder. I mean, yeah, she obviously had a problem, but anorexia was not it. It put him through hell anyway because she got him to worry about her so much. And he told me when they broke up that he could never again handle another girl like that. So I don't think I could ever tell him about my own e.d. But god, it's hard to see him hanging around the fringes of this dieting hell. He's never gotten extreme... but he can sure flirt with it at times. I tell him not to waste himself on it, but I'm not sure how much of what I say he takes to heart. But I know how bad it gets. I know what it's like to get trapped in this, to destroy yourself and to see no end in sight. It disturbs me to no end to think of someone I care so much about going through what I have. I hope he never takes it too far..
I had decided, once I found out that I was going to have surgery, to just wait until the first of May to begin restricting again. You know, give myself enough time to heal and all of that. Well, this lead to hoarding binge food to use during the week I'm able to actually eat after surgery and before I'd have to quit for starvation. But now I'm not sure if I really want to risk gaining more weight (since my metab. has probably already slowed down after hardly eating the past week). I wonder if I should just eat it anyway and make it easier to lose weight next week or if I should just c/s it all... blah. C/s'ing really disrupts the flow of a binge, anyway.
Ugh, I have roughly 30 lbs to lose before I can even get back to my "usual" weight. It's horrifying weighing this much. I finally take up as much space as I once imagined. You know, I was always fat before, but at the time I thought I was huge. Then... I began to realize maybe I wasn't that huge (which was an amazing realization for me). Sure, I was covered in disgusting lard, but I didn't take up near as much space as I might have thought. But the past few months have made the exaggerated body a tangible one. I have finally reached that point where I could lose 100 lbs and still be alive. It feels horrible.
The thought of purging was really getting to me while I was sick, too... Ugh, and so I had my poor boyfriend call me, all the way from England, and then of course I didn't have the courage to bring up the real issue I wanted to get out. So he was about to go while I started crying (but trying to be quiet about it) at wasting the opportunity, and I guess he heard me. So we did end up discussing it... and god, it helped like nothing else. It wasn't even what he said so much as the fact that he was willing to say anything. He listened to my whining and crying and tried to reassure me. Knowing that he cared enough to do that (which I already knew, but I guess I was in need of a refresher) made things feel so much better. It helped me realize (all over again) that I have someone who cares too much about me to make purging worth it. That I have something good and it's not necessary to do that to myself. This is really a "break through" I guess.
Also, sadly, as I'm writing this, my best friend is telling me about how he wants to be at a weight that'd probably put him at a BMI of 18 even though he knows it's not healthy. He focuses too much on food and weight sometimes. It really bothers me. About four years ago, he had one of those god awful "ana wannabe" girlfriends. She would actually talk about how she was going eat a bunch of cake and throw it up or "like, only have a pretzel today because it's only 6 calories omg!!" right in front of us. She went out of her way have these conversations. It made me sick. I had made a point of never broadcasting my own eating disorder to anyone - at that time, no one in my life was anywhere close to knowing (and my friend still has absolutely no idea). I knew better than to worry other people like that. Well, it was pretty obvious as a girl with an e.d. that his girlfriend was just playing it up for attention and was nowhere near actually having a real disorder. I mean, yeah, she obviously had a problem, but anorexia was not it. It put him through hell anyway because she got him to worry about her so much. And he told me when they broke up that he could never again handle another girl like that. So I don't think I could ever tell him about my own e.d. But god, it's hard to see him hanging around the fringes of this dieting hell. He's never gotten extreme... but he can sure flirt with it at times. I tell him not to waste himself on it, but I'm not sure how much of what I say he takes to heart. But I know how bad it gets. I know what it's like to get trapped in this, to destroy yourself and to see no end in sight. It disturbs me to no end to think of someone I care so much about going through what I have. I hope he never takes it too far..