(no subject)
# of lbs lost since Jan. 1st: 21.4
# gained since Jan. 1st: 5
Total loss: 16.6
During April, I lost a total of 1.4 lbs. That is pathetic. I have really gone off track this past month. After looking through some other weight loss journals and spending much of my afternoon revisiting the thinspiration communities of my starvation days, I have decided to take myself in a new direction. I want to be healthy. I want to get back to eating right and I want to start exercising again (something I have not done routinely for a couple of years now).
Starting tomorrow, I am getting back on track. I am going to use the treadmill for 30 mins every day. I hope to get a hold of my old step aerobics equipment sometime this month (if I cannot, I should just buy a new set - it is not worth it wait another 2-3 months). I will use that every other day. I had stopped using my food journal through out April. Since that turned out so poorly, I am going back to it. I think that I will continue to stay away from counting calories - it hurts too much emotionally. (Like on Sunday, when the treadmill claimed I'd burned 200 cals but my trusted caloriesperhour.com said I'd burned half that or less, crushing the cal. burning victory I'd earlier felt.) It also seems very time consuming, inaccurate (exercise wise), and difficult for my lifestyle.
I have been living in shame lately. My husband started working in April and I had to adjust to being left alone at times during the day and evenings. During earlier attempts at recovery, it had been hard not to fantasize about the 'perfect' binges I could have if there wasn't someone else in the house or if I didn't have a husband to live for. Apparently just having him out of site is enough to for me to go wild. I have been eating in secret - binging while he is at work. If he asked, I would tell him. But I pray that I finish before he comes home and that he doesn't want to know what I had for 'dinner.' I had also spent parts of this month publicly binging - in front of him, going out to buy binge food while he is at home, etc. I feel like this has alienated him from me in some way. I do not want this to get between us and I do not want to become something he could resent.
Binging just does not work for me anymore. Last night, I bought fast food (something I never used to do but have done almost every time I've been left alone this month), even though I didn't know if I really wanted it, even though I had a midterm to study for, even though I'm poor and can't really afford this habit, and it didn't do anything for me. I'm not even sure if I enjoyed the food at all, because I was eating it in that guilty rush, feeling deceitful, and feeling obligated to eat it all (whether or not I wanted to) and to hide the evidence. I physically felt like shit for most of the night. I think I got a C on this morning's midterm (!). Not to mention the other day when I felt like my stomach would literally burst as I was trying to make it home (from an after work binge).
I am ready to start over.