(no subject)
It's now the second week of the second month of this diet. I guess I've stuck to it better than most. I did eat out three times this past week - twice to Taco Bell and once at the Cheesecake Factory. Somehow, I lost 2.8 lbs anyway.
I've been really haunted by ED stuff lately. Feelings of worthlessness that I haven't experienced in quite a while have come flooding back and I can't stop fantasizing about the perfect ED life, which I could only live alone. I only seem to remember the good times. I've been monumentally stressed out about it. Last night I broke down crying about something else (but tied into these issues) and finally just told my husband what was going on. I even admitted that I'd lost some weight/been attempting to. I was really straight forward about it, which was good. I just didn't know how to bring it up to him before and I didn't even know if I should. I'm glad that he's still willing to put up with these issues. I think the talked helped a lot - and we'll see how this next week goes.
I think I am going to focus on not binging with the thought that he doesn't want me to. I can't stop for myself. That's how I quit purging - by promising him that I'd try to stop, and since he was part of the deal, he helped get me through most of the times I felt triggered to. It was really fucking hard to do but at least I could still binge. Giving up binging... well, what else do I have to hold onto now? This is going to be even harder. I didn't even start this diet with the intent to stop binging - only to stop long enough to lose enough weight. I even thought that maybe, once I got down to thin weight, I could fast and see how low I could go, etc. I didn't think about it much, though.
We also both agreed that distractions are really helpful. He thinks I shouldn't focus on it so much - I wish it were that easy. He wants me to stop writing things down, too (he knows I keep a food journal) but that's one thing I'm not willing to give up right now. I think it helps more than hurts. I have also just restarted an eating disorders awareness group on campus. We will have our first meeting this week... I hope it goes well and that the whole thing doesn't turn out to be wildly triggering. I am definitely not out to anyone but my husband about this ED and I really hope that involvement in the group doesn't get me questioned. Although being this fat is bound to keep more than a few people from even bothering.
Oh, also, a "friend" from work told me that he thought my husband only married me to get into the U.S. (he's an immigrant). He didn't think my husband was lying to me, but he honestly thought that we were "just friends" ... I know that if I were stereotypically hot, this would never have happened.
I've been really haunted by ED stuff lately. Feelings of worthlessness that I haven't experienced in quite a while have come flooding back and I can't stop fantasizing about the perfect ED life, which I could only live alone. I only seem to remember the good times. I've been monumentally stressed out about it. Last night I broke down crying about something else (but tied into these issues) and finally just told my husband what was going on. I even admitted that I'd lost some weight/been attempting to. I was really straight forward about it, which was good. I just didn't know how to bring it up to him before and I didn't even know if I should. I'm glad that he's still willing to put up with these issues. I think the talked helped a lot - and we'll see how this next week goes.
I think I am going to focus on not binging with the thought that he doesn't want me to. I can't stop for myself. That's how I quit purging - by promising him that I'd try to stop, and since he was part of the deal, he helped get me through most of the times I felt triggered to. It was really fucking hard to do but at least I could still binge. Giving up binging... well, what else do I have to hold onto now? This is going to be even harder. I didn't even start this diet with the intent to stop binging - only to stop long enough to lose enough weight. I even thought that maybe, once I got down to thin weight, I could fast and see how low I could go, etc. I didn't think about it much, though.
We also both agreed that distractions are really helpful. He thinks I shouldn't focus on it so much - I wish it were that easy. He wants me to stop writing things down, too (he knows I keep a food journal) but that's one thing I'm not willing to give up right now. I think it helps more than hurts. I have also just restarted an eating disorders awareness group on campus. We will have our first meeting this week... I hope it goes well and that the whole thing doesn't turn out to be wildly triggering. I am definitely not out to anyone but my husband about this ED and I really hope that involvement in the group doesn't get me questioned. Although being this fat is bound to keep more than a few people from even bothering.
Oh, also, a "friend" from work told me that he thought my husband only married me to get into the U.S. (he's an immigrant). He didn't think my husband was lying to me, but he honestly thought that we were "just friends" ... I know that if I were stereotypically hot, this would never have happened.