(no subject)
So I'm doing a research paper on the gendered nature of eating disorders and was browsing the e.d. section of the library the other day... there were a couple books about COE/BED... which has nothing to do with my project, but I almost checked them out anyway. I decided not to, knowing I barely have enough time to read my required books anyway... but I think that's a big step, that I even considered it. Normally, if I check out a book about e.d.s... it's for pure trigger material and way to get deeper into the e.d., to focus on it more. I avoid the last couple chapters dedicated to recovery like the plague. They scare me, I'm not ready to go there, and I'm afraid that if I know how to get better... I will. Which is ridiculous, it's not that simple or easy, it never will be. But being so tempted to try out something entirely about recovery...? I should go back soon and get it anyway.
Decided yesterday that I want to lose 15 lbs before my boyfriend comes back... June 18th. And then I binged that evening... just a pint of ben and jerry's and a burrito, not much, I know, but it was so unnecessary and purely for the effect. So anyway, I'm trying to do better today. It's hard to figure out where to draw the line and what to do... I don't want to be engaging in my e.d. even further, but it's still so ingrained in my mind that to lose weight, one must starve. I know that's not true, but... I can see how it would be easy to take this too far again, but then, it's been so long since I've really done that and stuck with it, maybe I don't have anything to worry about...
Weighed myself this morning... the scale says I'm 15 lbs MORE than I thought I was. So if I do reach my goal, it won't really be anything, I'll still weigh just as much as I thought I would... and this means that I'm at a new high weight. I want to say I hate myself, but I know that I don't anymore. It's just hard.
My boyfriend told me I'm beautiful the other day and I broke down crying... it's been so long since I've done that. Just too ashamed and upset at what I am.
Oh, and there's fliers for a bulimia recovery group on campus all over my dorms. It makes me wish I was bulimic instead of bed so I could go... I would have been too ashamed to before, but now, I'd do it. But there isn't anything open to me.
Decided yesterday that I want to lose 15 lbs before my boyfriend comes back... June 18th. And then I binged that evening... just a pint of ben and jerry's and a burrito, not much, I know, but it was so unnecessary and purely for the effect. So anyway, I'm trying to do better today. It's hard to figure out where to draw the line and what to do... I don't want to be engaging in my e.d. even further, but it's still so ingrained in my mind that to lose weight, one must starve. I know that's not true, but... I can see how it would be easy to take this too far again, but then, it's been so long since I've really done that and stuck with it, maybe I don't have anything to worry about...
Weighed myself this morning... the scale says I'm 15 lbs MORE than I thought I was. So if I do reach my goal, it won't really be anything, I'll still weigh just as much as I thought I would... and this means that I'm at a new high weight. I want to say I hate myself, but I know that I don't anymore. It's just hard.
My boyfriend told me I'm beautiful the other day and I broke down crying... it's been so long since I've done that. Just too ashamed and upset at what I am.
Oh, and there's fliers for a bulimia recovery group on campus all over my dorms. It makes me wish I was bulimic instead of bed so I could go... I would have been too ashamed to before, but now, I'd do it. But there isn't anything open to me.