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[howtokillmyself]

Sort of took an unplanned break from this place... it's been good for me. I went three weeks without binging. I'm getting out of that mindset although my actual consumption is slipping back into the old habit. I don't think of it as "binging" right now although I really haven't done so well this week. Week before my period... it's always such a

Comments

Thanks.

[howtokillmyself]

I have to believe that it's possible. If it's not... then I do not know how I will be able to get through the rest of my life. The thing that scares me the most is the concept of being "in recovery" and never being able to actually call yourself recovered - like with alcoholism. Knowing that one, single drink could set you off again for the next three years. I've heard accounts of some alcoholics who've said that their desire to drink never changes, just what they do about it. But then I've also heard some e.d.'d people say that food eventually stopped being a big deal - it ceased to matter except when it came to fulfilling hunger.

I wish it was something I could just wake up to... I imagine it will probably take a very, very long time (I'm definitely getting why they say the average recovery time is 7 yrs now), and that there will always be those bad days where you just KNOW that a b/p would make it all better. But I have to believe that one day, things will be better, and I just won't feel the need for it anymore.

I hate that feeling of it being an obligation almost - but it's good to hear that you didn't want it - hopefully that will make it easier to avoid future/similar situations.

Re: Thanks.

[asthinasher]

yeah my mom was a heavy heavy (2.5 packs a day) smoker before she had me, and to this day, she can't even touch a cigarette, not even a single drag, cuz she knows she'll get sucked back in that easily. freaky shit.

but you're right - i have heard about ed'd people making, well, a full recovery. and i have to hold on to that hope, otherwise... i just can't compare it to alcoholism. i can't. it would be failure all over the place.

you know, sometimes i think about ms. hornbacher's wasted and how at the beginning (or is it the very end? hah) she's talking about how now, even when she feels really full, she knows that the bathroom is only ten steps away but she refrains and puts up with the discomfort. and it's like, she was SO fucked, but she's managing okay, right? inspiration like that... that's the only thing that's gonna keep me sane, i think.

yeah, i am gonna try SO damn hard to keep the b/p's down to once a week. multiple times during that one day, but ONLY one day.
i keep saying this, though, and not sticking to it. but i have to! goddddd...