The Job, The Brain Mechanic, The Other Brain Mechanic, and a Poker Update
First some good news - I gave my boss "informal notice" that I would be leaving sometime between July 11th and September 16th, and most importantly, why. She was upset over the why, and I told her, some of her actions would have that exact consequence, though the culture and people were more to blame than her action. I also told her I understood why she did what she did and I held zero ill-will. Thankfully that all happens to be the truth. I value this person both as a boss and as a person. I let her know I'd leave her in good shape.
It was the moral thing to do. Typically, it's the stupid thing to do, but my boss won't be finding reasons to let me go. She already has a list of other people who want to leave if there are job cuts, and right now I serve a hard-to-fill niche, which she is also upset over losing.
It's a huge weight to let her know. She's always known this has been a possibility since May 2013, so it didn't really come as a huge shock. But the "final straws" came as a disgusting surprise to her.
I've already spent my "gift card" points, I'm getting my wellness reimbursement on Wednesday, and I'm down to $380 in my FSA. So I'm basically making all my final doctor appontments
--
I'm a big believer that the brain is like a car engine. It needs certain things to perform well, and occasionally needs a trip to the mechanic for that oil (attitude) change and a tune-up.
So I've had periods over the last 13 or so years (estimate) where I've gone to this particular psychologist and I'm a far less miserable bastard for having done so. He's a good guy.
He can't solve everything though. To a point, I think we are wired to be who we are. I also believe the more intelligent one is, the less likely it is one is happy. This is not to say that smart people can't be happy; it's just we are more self-aware of our misery because we realize more things, and those things are often negative. Ignorance is indeed bliss.
He says I need to allow myself a certain bit of ego. So I'm going to and I'm trying to stop self-deprecating.
--
About 6-7 years ago I think I had a minor stroke or TIA. I'm not 100% sure of this. I was at dinner at a friend's house, in and of itself a super-rarity, when I just got up suddenly without saying a word, walked in the other room and sat down staring into space for a few minutes. Mind you, these people have known me since I was 4 years old and this was very out of character for me, in addition, the husband is a paramedic and TIA was his first thought too. Whatever it was, it passed. An MRI done later showed not only no stroke, but no brain damage which is impossible because my head was crushed against Mom's pelvis at birth.
Time passes. I noticed my mental capabilities declining. For obvious reasons this is terrifying. I also have noticed personality changes, though not for the worse, but more of an agressive adjustment to the middle. I tend to take less shit off people. This may be testerone treatment and/or self-respect kicking in, but I have an unusual agression in me which I thankfully release through cards and the gym. I started to hate losing much more than I used to.
I also have started losing/substituting words. I've even seen evidence of that in this very journal. I can't focus as much anymore, except playing cards.
Basically I'm worried I have either what one or both of my parents had (and my Dad now has officially been diagnosed with Alzheimers) or that maybe simply my brain is bored and/or I'm a hypochondriac. I really do hope this latter half is the case.
So, after consulting with my primary care doctor, I had a full-on neuropsychological exam on Thursday for two hours where my brain was tasked and taxed with various activities computational, language-related, pattern/puzzle related and memory.
I already saw patterns from this:
The language shit worries me a lot. If I had to take a guess, this would be my internet self-diagnosis here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anomic_aphasia Unfortunately this points to physical and irreversible brain damage which means more tests, which in and of itself is stressful.
--
Poker has gone shitty, even when I've been playing my "A" game. But again, the design is to see patterns of where I fail.
I did have one cash 6-1 to 6-11... I'm down $426 over 10 tournaments. I played another two today to lose $140 and lost both times getting 3-outed or 4-outed on the river. (A 6%-8% chance of losing on the last card.) So today was a 1 in 200 kind of occurence.
Fuck my luck. Fuck a duck?
It was the moral thing to do. Typically, it's the stupid thing to do, but my boss won't be finding reasons to let me go. She already has a list of other people who want to leave if there are job cuts, and right now I serve a hard-to-fill niche, which she is also upset over losing.
It's a huge weight to let her know. She's always known this has been a possibility since May 2013, so it didn't really come as a huge shock. But the "final straws" came as a disgusting surprise to her.
I've already spent my "gift card" points, I'm getting my wellness reimbursement on Wednesday, and I'm down to $380 in my FSA. So I'm basically making all my final doctor appontments
--
I'm a big believer that the brain is like a car engine. It needs certain things to perform well, and occasionally needs a trip to the mechanic for that oil (attitude) change and a tune-up.
So I've had periods over the last 13 or so years (estimate) where I've gone to this particular psychologist and I'm a far less miserable bastard for having done so. He's a good guy.
He can't solve everything though. To a point, I think we are wired to be who we are. I also believe the more intelligent one is, the less likely it is one is happy. This is not to say that smart people can't be happy; it's just we are more self-aware of our misery because we realize more things, and those things are often negative. Ignorance is indeed bliss.
He says I need to allow myself a certain bit of ego. So I'm going to and I'm trying to stop self-deprecating.
--
About 6-7 years ago I think I had a minor stroke or TIA. I'm not 100% sure of this. I was at dinner at a friend's house, in and of itself a super-rarity, when I just got up suddenly without saying a word, walked in the other room and sat down staring into space for a few minutes. Mind you, these people have known me since I was 4 years old and this was very out of character for me, in addition, the husband is a paramedic and TIA was his first thought too. Whatever it was, it passed. An MRI done later showed not only no stroke, but no brain damage which is impossible because my head was crushed against Mom's pelvis at birth.
Time passes. I noticed my mental capabilities declining. For obvious reasons this is terrifying. I also have noticed personality changes, though not for the worse, but more of an agressive adjustment to the middle. I tend to take less shit off people. This may be testerone treatment and/or self-respect kicking in, but I have an unusual agression in me which I thankfully release through cards and the gym. I started to hate losing much more than I used to.
I also have started losing/substituting words. I've even seen evidence of that in this very journal. I can't focus as much anymore, except playing cards.
Basically I'm worried I have either what one or both of my parents had (and my Dad now has officially been diagnosed with Alzheimers) or that maybe simply my brain is bored and/or I'm a hypochondriac. I really do hope this latter half is the case.
So, after consulting with my primary care doctor, I had a full-on neuropsychological exam on Thursday for two hours where my brain was tasked and taxed with various activities computational, language-related, pattern/puzzle related and memory.
I already saw patterns from this:
- Computation/Math/Number related memory questions: Damn near perfect. I don't even need the answer key to know I got most all of these right. The number memory related stuff got to be a challenge at 10 digits, but shit.... still great.
- Language/Words that begin with ..../word and story related memory questions: I did best with the store-related memory questions, maybe because I felt the details were more pertinent. Random lists, even when given to me 4-5 times with the same 10-15 words....I had issues with remembering more than 6. I did better with the beginning and ending of lists, almost if I was overwhelmed by the middle of the lists. Dictionary definitions...well I've always been poor at that, so no shock there.
- Puzzle solving/patterns: Not 100% sure I did great at this. There was a time I think I would have gotten 100% or damn near close. Truthfully, I'm a genius at this, or at least was. (Yes, ego..... from me!) I still say I would have scored way above average, and I had to reason each one out loud to keep it all straight, which fascinated the proctor. On the cube puzzles (shown here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xze_9ION-4I) I got all but one in the time allotted (I think 120 seconds) and I'm excited to see this Youtube video as it might be an IQ test. I've never known for sure, but a crude at home estimate showed me 125 I think about 10-12 years ago. I'm concerned about the decline, but not worried... I don't think 95% of the population would have performed as well as I did.
The language shit worries me a lot. If I had to take a guess, this would be my internet self-diagnosis here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anomic_aphasia Unfortunately this points to physical and irreversible brain damage which means more tests, which in and of itself is stressful.
--
Poker has gone shitty, even when I've been playing my "A" game. But again, the design is to see patterns of where I fail.
- I'm not aggressive enough during the middle and end stages. That's the first problem. Maybe the only big problem.
- I need to study my basics more.
- I'm too passive when I hold one pair. You never want to go broke with it, but I need to fold less and call more.
I did have one cash 6-1 to 6-11... I'm down $426 over 10 tournaments. I played another two today to lose $140 and lost both times getting 3-outed or 4-outed on the river. (A 6%-8% chance of losing on the last card.) So today was a 1 in 200 kind of occurence.
Fuck my luck. Fuck a duck?