yeh jo halka halka saroor hai
The part of me I call the howling wolf has been active lately. He is stalking the unknown and clamours for its blood. He does not want to kill it; it is beautiful to him. But he cannot help himself. Killing things is his nature. Even as he stands above its carcass he howls in mourning, even as he rips its tender meat from supple bones his eyes are filled with tears that freeze quickly to wiskers and blood matted fur. The meager meal will not satisfy him. Soon, very soon, he will seek another beautiful unknown and ravage it. How he loves these unknowns! how it pains him to kill them, but he cannot live without them. He could survive on courser meals, but his appetite has become too refined. His senses too sensitive and delicate, they strike a howling contrast to his sinewy musculature, dirty matted fur, and his wild-fire eyes. The other wolves do not understand him. He left them behind long ago. They did not understand the sweetness of his unknowns; they were content with the course caribu and rabbit meat. He looks up from the decimated carcass of his victum, and already hungers for another. He remembers a time...on the edge of his insticntively insane mind...when he was a pup and each unknown seemed never-ending and left him glutted and dazzled. Now they are little more than morsel in his growing gnawing appetite. What a wretched creature he is! His distending belly betrays his gluttony. He never knows satisfaction, rationality has already began to scrape at the edge of his frayed mind. He needs the unknown like a junkie needs his junk. Mother nature has played a cruel and malicious joke on him. Desperately he waddles into the brush in search of another victum. An observer, one ever came to this tangled marshy forest, could not help but wonder how such an obsurd creature could exist. And the wolf would tell him, if he could, that he could not understand how such a rational thing could exist.
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I'm living my dream. I got three A+'s and two A's last semester. I'm going to Egypt this spring without haveing to pay a dime. And yet I want to cry, I want to die, I need focus on something unknown just to pass this horrible hours until
until that great unknown claims me. This is no place for me! *Snarl! HOOOOWL! This is no place for a rational being! Take me rape me throw my carcass on the pile and burn it. What the fuck is this place? I can't understand it and yet its so rational. I can't understand how people have rationalized this place. I can't understand how stupid this will seem tomorrow, how stupid it already seems. I don't know I don't care I just want not this-sweet nothing, undying unknown, purpose-even though I don't deserve anything. What a shit I am. How can I be unhappy? I don't understand, and yet..not all, but mostly...I do. I'm done there is shit to do.
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I'm living my dream. I got three A+'s and two A's last semester. I'm going to Egypt this spring without haveing to pay a dime. And yet I want to cry, I want to die, I need focus on something unknown just to pass this horrible hours until
until that great unknown claims me. This is no place for me! *Snarl! HOOOOWL! This is no place for a rational being! Take me rape me throw my carcass on the pile and burn it. What the fuck is this place? I can't understand it and yet its so rational. I can't understand how people have rationalized this place. I can't understand how stupid this will seem tomorrow, how stupid it already seems. I don't know I don't care I just want not this-sweet nothing, undying unknown, purpose-even though I don't deserve anything. What a shit I am. How can I be unhappy? I don't understand, and yet..not all, but mostly...I do. I'm done there is shit to do.