let me share something with you, then... u wanna know why i don't love myself? you wanna know why i can only see flaws, and nothing else? I'm fucked up. No one wants to believe me, but i am. I have so much shit that has happened to me that i never worked out, and it just built up and it's weighed me down. I have a huge empty space in me that my father left when he left me... I blame myself for my brother's death, even tho i had nothing to do with it... I have memories of terrible, terrible things that i don't even know if they happened... i don't know whether they're memories, or dreams... i have the stress of being the perfect son that my mother wants, but i can't give... i have the pain of being able to count the number of friends i had on one hand up until 4th grade... i have the emotional death inside of me that i caused because i wasn't allowed to date until i turned 16, so i turned apathetic cause it was the only way for me to survive... can you even imagine turning 16, and discovering emotions, discovering love and feelings? I'm supposed to be emotionally and relationshiply mature, but i'm a little baby, trying to figure what to do and how to do it... but worst out of all of this shit is that i know what's wrong with me, and i can't do anything to fix it... i won't do anything to fix it... i am my own worst enemy... i want to be in a relationship, to feel loved, so much, but at the same time, i don't... i don't 'cause i know what i am inside... i am my father... and i will not be to someone what my father was to me... i also know that deep down, at the deepest level of 'me', i'm angry, and i'm violent... no one knows it, but i hold back so much from screaming my head off and punching something... or someone... and i can't do that to anyone... i can't let anyone feel the pain that i hold inside... o watever... what the fuck... who cares... i'm just a self-pitying fool, anyway... hey, what do you know... another moment where i hate myself...
and yea... i wouldn't be angry if you told this to me face-to-face... i'd respect you... i'd love you for it... 'cause you would finally let me open up in public to someone... you would let me take off my mask... but do what u want... i'll just hide these tears of mine, and laugh them off... i've done it all my life, so why not for the rest of it...?
there's a strange, romantic notion that alot of people have (and i have alot) that there is something inside that is untouched by everythign else. someone that we need to discover. well we really don;t know that, but in that way its completely wrong for you to decide who you are. you have a past, that was probably difficult, and you have a present, that no doubt seems to be very difficult. but the past is gone, and yes it brought you here, but that doesn;t make you up entirely who you are now. there's another odd way of thinking, that life is cyclical. this wrong, the past is always going away and the present is becomign past. nothing is like anythign before. this may sound very hokey, but you seem to have a very difficult and painful out look that veiws life as always being the painful past you remember. i don;t mean to come off as arrogant, and i don;t mean to be. i just want to try to help, but its your perspective to adjust.
let me share something with you, then... u wanna know why i don't love myself? you wanna know why i can only see flaws, and nothing else? I'm fucked up. No one wants to believe me, but i am. I have so much shit that has happened to me that i never worked out, and it just built up and it's weighed me down. I have a huge empty space in me that my father left when he left me... I blame myself for my brother's death, even tho i had nothing to do with it... I have memories of terrible, terrible things that i don't even know if they happened... i don't know whether they're memories, or dreams... i have the stress of being the perfect son that my mother wants, but i can't give... i have the pain of being able to count the number of friends i had on one hand up until 4th grade... i have the emotional death inside of me that i caused because i wasn't allowed to date until i turned 16, so i turned apathetic cause it was the only way for me to survive... can you even imagine turning 16, and discovering emotions, discovering love and feelings? I'm supposed to be emotionally and relationshiply mature, but i'm a little baby, trying to figure what to do and how to do it... but worst out of all of this shit is that i know what's wrong with me, and i can't do anything to fix it... i won't do anything to fix it... i am my own worst enemy... i want to be in a relationship, to feel loved, so much, but at the same time, i don't... i don't 'cause i know what i am inside... i am my father... and i will not be to someone what my father was to me... i also know that deep down, at the deepest level of 'me', i'm angry, and i'm violent... no one knows it, but i hold back so much from screaming my head off and punching something... or someone... and i can't do that to anyone... i can't let anyone feel the pain that i hold inside... o watever... what the fuck... who cares... i'm just a self-pitying fool, anyway... hey, what do you know... another moment where i hate myself...
and yea... i wouldn't be angry if you told this to me face-to-face... i'd respect you... i'd love you for it... 'cause you would finally let me open up in public to someone... you would let me take off my mask... but do what u want... i'll just hide these tears of mine, and laugh them off... i've done it all my life, so why not for the rest of it...?
Reply
there's another odd way of thinking, that life is cyclical. this wrong, the past is always going away and the present is becomign past. nothing is like anythign before. this may sound very hokey, but you seem to have a very difficult and painful out look that veiws life as always being the painful past you remember.
i don;t mean to come off as arrogant, and i don;t mean to be. i just want to try to help, but its your perspective to adjust.
Reply
Leave a comment