ahh
i'm so anxious. it had calmed for like a week, but now it's constant again. ahh. i'm stressed. i'm gunna have a break down SO BAD sometime. my guess is....hm prolly right before halloween i guess. if not before then, then like half way through november. so look out world!! lol.
so it really sucks when times like these come around, b/c it reminds me of things from the past that i tried to put behind me. HEY! that's on my psychology test tomorrow--mood-congruent memory: memory of a time when you were in a mood consistant with the mood you are in at the present time. man, look at that incorporation.. (i just got done studying) anyways, it just sucks b/c i worked so hard to leave it after it followed me for so long (by it i mean the burden/situation/what not...this kinda has 2 meanings...) it also makes me sad b/c i know that i'm supposed to forgive, and i have HONOESTLY tried to forgive from the depth of my heart. and i have actually confessed to the Lord that i forgive on numerous occasions, but i didn't really feel it. and the thing that scares me is that sometimes i catch myself saying i will never truely forgive and well, that's just no good. *sigh* i dunno. it's really not even worth worrying about, that is-the thing(s) i'm supposed to forgive. but the fact that i CAN'T forgive is a big problem, and i can't get it off my mind. i still stand by "my life is ruined"
cuz it is. i mean, seriously, what more. like i said a couple of weeks ago, in church they talk about giving yourself away to be happy. and i do that. i hardly do anything for myself! i don't think. i mean, i'm not sure at all. i think everything i wanna do for "myself" has motivations of making someone else happy. i think it's that i can't make myself happy, so why not try to make others happy. but then you can't take care of others until you take care of yourself, so i'm screwed there too. and it pisses me off when people call me a suck up to teachers, or even a goodie, b/c, yeah i'm sorry i like to be nice, DAMNIT!!
gr. so now i'm really pissed off. and i'm going to bed. maybe. if i can fall asleep. or i dunno cuz i haven't opened my planner yet, so there's prolly some huge hw assignment i have to do and i haven't realized yet. good night.
so it really sucks when times like these come around, b/c it reminds me of things from the past that i tried to put behind me. HEY! that's on my psychology test tomorrow--mood-congruent memory: memory of a time when you were in a mood consistant with the mood you are in at the present time. man, look at that incorporation.. (i just got done studying) anyways, it just sucks b/c i worked so hard to leave it after it followed me for so long (by it i mean the burden/situation/what not...this kinda has 2 meanings...) it also makes me sad b/c i know that i'm supposed to forgive, and i have HONOESTLY tried to forgive from the depth of my heart. and i have actually confessed to the Lord that i forgive on numerous occasions, but i didn't really feel it. and the thing that scares me is that sometimes i catch myself saying i will never truely forgive and well, that's just no good. *sigh* i dunno. it's really not even worth worrying about, that is-the thing(s) i'm supposed to forgive. but the fact that i CAN'T forgive is a big problem, and i can't get it off my mind. i still stand by "my life is ruined"
cuz it is. i mean, seriously, what more. like i said a couple of weeks ago, in church they talk about giving yourself away to be happy. and i do that. i hardly do anything for myself! i don't think. i mean, i'm not sure at all. i think everything i wanna do for "myself" has motivations of making someone else happy. i think it's that i can't make myself happy, so why not try to make others happy. but then you can't take care of others until you take care of yourself, so i'm screwed there too. and it pisses me off when people call me a suck up to teachers, or even a goodie, b/c, yeah i'm sorry i like to be nice, DAMNIT!!
gr. so now i'm really pissed off. and i'm going to bed. maybe. if i can fall asleep. or i dunno cuz i haven't opened my planner yet, so there's prolly some huge hw assignment i have to do and i haven't realized yet. good night.