We are shaped and formed by what we love...
So now after reading this (this being other peoples entries) 3 of my friends are having issues with there mothers. it seems to have popped up all of a sudden but i think like me, it has always ben there. and only now am i realising how long.
I cant be in an enclosed space with her doing nothing. In the car coming back from netball, i felt suffocated i had to keep the window open, then i got told to put it up because she was cold when id just been running round for a solid hour.
It's not supposed to hurt this much and its so hard to explain on this but i havent been talking bout it and i know thats going to come back and get me because i know, i can see it in other people that talking helps but
when i talk to people, when i talk to people for 'real' and they ask how i am i still, as an instant reaction say 'fine' and so they dont ask anymore and i do not have a problem with that, its nothing to do with them, its definately not their fault but i just, i dont want to go into it unless im already feeling like shit but when im crying and hysterical and it hurts so much then i feel like im just getting in the way which i know isnt true i know there's tons of poeple i can talk to, i just find myself not. im worried im going to breakdown, at school, where i cant hide it, although there's always something inside that says i dont want to hide it but being a nuisance or thinking that im doing it for attention always overcomes that.
i'm sick of talking about her im sick of having to be near her it just hurts nothing has ever hurt this much, and its physical its actually become physical and that scares me it really scares me im scared of the things im thinking because i dont want to be like that because things arent that bad, but they are, with her. she's my mother its not supposed to be like this but its just. I despise her as a person, i cant believe she gets away with treating people how she does and now shes started with my friends. My friend came over and mum opened the door and said hello and then started questioning her about an ankle brace id given her and was interrogating her because mum wanted it back and she was just being such a bitch and my friend wasn't even in the front door! i mean who does that? to put it in a total emotionless way she just has NO social ettiquette, the world is against her including me, and she just gave up on me. When i was 11 or 12 and we had our first fight she just gave up. from then on i was just a bitch yet i cant call her that god forbid. it doesnt help that she worships my brother, and so blatantly.
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One of my best friends ignored me for three months. Now we're friends, i think, but shes starting uni and i expect to be ignored again she said its horrible that i expect that but i do expect it and i wouldnt have such a big problem with it except that shes done it already. I've talked to her about it and said "it's ok" and, it sort of was because i was just happy to talk to her again but now i know the reasons why for sure it makes me think of those few times i did see her, that she didn't really want to be there, that she was always thinking of something else.
Its so complicated and i got myself into it. They were friends first, and then i got close to one, then the other and so the first one left both of us. and now just over the holidays it happened again but the other way round. And the reason she gives me The above is what i started writing on the stated date. then i talked to jaimee and didnt finish but because its written i thought i may as well send it, expecially now i have FINALLY figued out how to use that damn lj cut thing.
Tis my birthday soon.
I wish it wasnt.
Issues with people mean i dont know if i actually want to be with them on my birthday, but i know if im not with them ill be sad.
Birthday's mean so much to me and now this one is filling me with dread and i hate that. birthdays have ALWAYS meant so much to me, not just mine but everyones yet now, now im worried my friend will see me purely because she feels obliged and not because she wants to.
why do people have to mean so much? why do they have to hurt so much? why do i have to take everything so seriously? its my own fault, i hurt so much because a. i let people get away with it, and b. im so paranoid.
everyone thinks im so confident. how else am i supposed to play it? i copy my brother, he's loud and funny and everyone has always loved him, so i try and do the same. it backfires yet i cant stop because it is me now yet it makes me so paranoid. i dont mean to offend, i dont mean to overtake, to overrule.
Jo, im so sorry bout your birthday. i know its annoying when people say i know how you feel and then you nod, yet inside your screaming NO YOU DONT but thankyou for trying... so i will say this (which i have just stolen from a book i am reading). I cannot feel what your feeling but i know what your feeling.
Gawd everything is just such a big deal, and yeah you can try all that perspective shite but in the end all you have is you and your emotions which seem to come from an entirely different part of you, a part you have no control over and all you can do is wait for it to show itself and then you're left to deal with it. i'm not sure if that makes sense. its like if you cant decide between two things so you flip a coin and usually if its landed on the one you subconsciously didnt want then you know, all of a sudden, what you really want.
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I will be sad and say school seems to be anchoring me. My friend just tlaked to me and said at the moment she hates all her subjects, and school and its pointless. which it is but thats beside the point for this story. but at the moment school is the only thing i can rely on, and its not that i want to do exceptionally well or beat people or not lose against peole, its because if i get what i want from school it means i have some control and right now its all im able to cling to.
everything else is going haywire.
I suppose all the above is quite mournful and well i was going to say oblique simply because it sounds cool but i have no idea what it means, i may be getting it confused with bleak...
but i must say
I so excited, about life i mean. i realise that all the above is so overly contrasting to that but i know it will pass, and then, of course, there will be new stuff to deal with, but thats the whole point. in the end i'm not worried about what job i get, what enter i get, how much money i earn, i know ill get there in the end and not just because of something like fate or just 'because' but because you're all like me in that everyone of us is capable and i wont 'sap'arise it but you know what i mean. No of us are stupid, and if i can see all of you turning out amazingly hopefully i wont be that far off either. Tis the journey that counts right?
As long as you have people.....................stupid viscious circle...
o·blique
( P ) Pronunciation Key (
-bl
k
,
-bl
k
)
adj.
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- Having a slanting or sloping direction, course, or position; inclined.
- Mathematics. Designating geometric lines or planes that are neither parallel nor perpendicular.
- Botany. Having sides of unequal length or form: an oblique leaf.
- Anatomy. Situated in a slanting position; not transverse or longitudinal: oblique muscles or ligaments.
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- Indirect or evasive: oblique political maneuvers.
- Devious, misleading, or dishonest: gave oblique answers to the questions.
- Not direct in descent; collateral.
- Grammar. Designating any noun case except the nominative or the vocative.
nothings ever perfect unless you let it be