Ficlet
Companion piece to Kia's post for Yukina. Kougaiji's thoughts just before the attempt on the barrier.
I know this is probably going to hurt you and make you mad at me, but I don't think I can do it any other way.
Walking away from her was one of the hardest things he had ever done. One totally inadequate apology, that she wouldn't even truly understand until later, for all of his sins. But he had to go. It's going to hurt. A lot. Every moment he stayed was another memory to hurt her later.
Sanzo and I are going to try and break through the barrier and get off the island.
He had half expected to get shot at again, but Sanzo's quick agreement was really no surprise. They walked to the beach in silence. There was no point in discussing the plan. There was no strategy involved. They would either succeed through brute force, or they would fail. And Kougaiji almost missed a step when he realized he didn't know which outcome he really, truly wanted.
You know why I have to get home. I have to try, and sooner is better than later.
She knew why. She understood. He kept repeating that to himself until he almost believed it made a difference.
If we succeed in breaking through, I'll try to teleport us home right away, so there won't be time to say goodbye. That's why I'm going to give this letter to Ky and ask him to give it to you if I'm not back in a day or two.
He could imagine her face when she finally realized what he had done. He made himself imagine every detail, every bit of pain. It hurt to imagine it. It hurt even more to cause it.
I know I'm being a coward by not saying goodbye to you, but it's entirely possible we'll fail, and then I would have put you through that for nothing. I've already hurt you enough.
He was weak. Nii had said it, and it was true. If he had to face her, if he had to actually say goodbye and walk away from her, he was afraid of what would happen. Either he would give in to the desire to stay with her, or give in to the desire to take her with him. Either would be a failure that would hurt someone.
And I'm not sure I'd be able to leave if I had to tell you goodbye.
He wished Okita had never put the thought into his head. He'd gone over the options hundreds of times since that conversation. She was youkai, so she would be welcome in the castle, but she would also be at the mercy of the Minus Wave. Seeing her under its influence would kill him.
He didn't want to be parted from her, but if he took her to Houtou, she would be in danger. He wouldn't be able to hide what she meant to him, and that would make her too tempting of a target. One more hostage on his conscience, and this one would be entirely his fault. The idea of Nii being anywhere near her terrified him. He had woken up once from a nightmare of Yukina trapped in the pillar, frozen in stone instead of ice.
But if he didn't take her to Houtou, where else could he take her that was safe for a youkai? How could he take her to an entirely foreign world and then abandon her, even for her own safety? He couldn't ask Sanzo to protect her. Even if by some miracle the priest agreed, his group was headed straight for Houtou anyway, and they were under constant attack from the very people Kougaiji wanted to protect her from.
I will miss you. There are a lot of things about the island it would be easier to forget, but I want to remember them all, because forgetting the island would mean forgetting you.
His hand clenched around the single gemstone in his pocket. Every moment they had spent together rushed through his mind as they walked to the barrier. He had to remember. She deserved to be remembered. And it was one more in a long series of sacrifices he had made in service to Gyokumen Koushu's ambitions. Every one would be paid back eventually, preferably in blood.
You mean so much to me, much more than just a friend. I don't know how to tell you how much. Or maybe I do, and I'm just too scared to say it. But since this could be my only chance -
The walk was too long, and too short. They reached the barrier too soon. He wasn't ready. He needed more time. But all the time in the world wouldn't be enough.
I love you. I don't know if that means as a friend or as a lover, but maybe in the end it doesn't really matter. I just know I love you.
He couldn't help looking back one more time, like Orpheus trying to catch one glimpse of his lost love. She wasn't there of course. He'd made sure of that.
I'm sorry.
He faced the barrier and began to chant.
I know this is probably going to hurt you and make you mad at me, but I don't think I can do it any other way.
Walking away from her was one of the hardest things he had ever done. One totally inadequate apology, that she wouldn't even truly understand until later, for all of his sins. But he had to go. It's going to hurt. A lot. Every moment he stayed was another memory to hurt her later.
Sanzo and I are going to try and break through the barrier and get off the island.
He had half expected to get shot at again, but Sanzo's quick agreement was really no surprise. They walked to the beach in silence. There was no point in discussing the plan. There was no strategy involved. They would either succeed through brute force, or they would fail. And Kougaiji almost missed a step when he realized he didn't know which outcome he really, truly wanted.
You know why I have to get home. I have to try, and sooner is better than later.
She knew why. She understood. He kept repeating that to himself until he almost believed it made a difference.
If we succeed in breaking through, I'll try to teleport us home right away, so there won't be time to say goodbye. That's why I'm going to give this letter to Ky and ask him to give it to you if I'm not back in a day or two.
He could imagine her face when she finally realized what he had done. He made himself imagine every detail, every bit of pain. It hurt to imagine it. It hurt even more to cause it.
I know I'm being a coward by not saying goodbye to you, but it's entirely possible we'll fail, and then I would have put you through that for nothing. I've already hurt you enough.
He was weak. Nii had said it, and it was true. If he had to face her, if he had to actually say goodbye and walk away from her, he was afraid of what would happen. Either he would give in to the desire to stay with her, or give in to the desire to take her with him. Either would be a failure that would hurt someone.
And I'm not sure I'd be able to leave if I had to tell you goodbye.
He wished Okita had never put the thought into his head. He'd gone over the options hundreds of times since that conversation. She was youkai, so she would be welcome in the castle, but she would also be at the mercy of the Minus Wave. Seeing her under its influence would kill him.
He didn't want to be parted from her, but if he took her to Houtou, she would be in danger. He wouldn't be able to hide what she meant to him, and that would make her too tempting of a target. One more hostage on his conscience, and this one would be entirely his fault. The idea of Nii being anywhere near her terrified him. He had woken up once from a nightmare of Yukina trapped in the pillar, frozen in stone instead of ice.
But if he didn't take her to Houtou, where else could he take her that was safe for a youkai? How could he take her to an entirely foreign world and then abandon her, even for her own safety? He couldn't ask Sanzo to protect her. Even if by some miracle the priest agreed, his group was headed straight for Houtou anyway, and they were under constant attack from the very people Kougaiji wanted to protect her from.
I will miss you. There are a lot of things about the island it would be easier to forget, but I want to remember them all, because forgetting the island would mean forgetting you.
His hand clenched around the single gemstone in his pocket. Every moment they had spent together rushed through his mind as they walked to the barrier. He had to remember. She deserved to be remembered. And it was one more in a long series of sacrifices he had made in service to Gyokumen Koushu's ambitions. Every one would be paid back eventually, preferably in blood.
You mean so much to me, much more than just a friend. I don't know how to tell you how much. Or maybe I do, and I'm just too scared to say it. But since this could be my only chance -
The walk was too long, and too short. They reached the barrier too soon. He wasn't ready. He needed more time. But all the time in the world wouldn't be enough.
I love you. I don't know if that means as a friend or as a lover, but maybe in the end it doesn't really matter. I just know I love you.
He couldn't help looking back one more time, like Orpheus trying to catch one glimpse of his lost love. She wasn't there of course. He'd made sure of that.
I'm sorry.
He faced the barrier and began to chant.