The truth about the 'Inner Nets' ... //// D-359
I *think* Internet *might* be dangerous.
Ahah. I must sound like I just woke up from a 20+ years sleep.
Or like a chain smoker.
"I know that cigarettes are dangerous. I know that I die a little bit inside every time I smoke one but the truth is, without them I feel like sh*t."
Can't live with them, can't live without them.
I feel like sh*t too when I don't have my Internet.
It's like that obligatory morning coffee. When I wake up, I'm in a fog, drooling all over my slippers, hair pointing in every direction. I feel like I won't make it through the day without that morning Internet connection.
First thing I do in the morning, last thing I do before I go to bed? Kissing my parents good morning / good night? Nope. Go to the bathroom? Uh-huh. Nah. Wash my teeth? *beep* Nope. Turn my PC on, turn my PC off.
A day without Internet is like *pauses to think* Well, I'd rather cut both my feet than spend a day without Internet.
Thank God these threats of mine are just a silly little joke, because I'd be in a wheelchair without my hands and feet right now, had I ever decided to carry out these threats. I'd be like, a trunk. Not pretty. And I wouldn't be able to type anymore. Oh, the horror! Kill me now!
Internet becomes this weird substitute for friends, relationships, nights out, TV, newspapers, books, and even candies.
Seriously though, who the hell needs candies when you are one click away from that kind of candy?
I don't.
You can now send virtual slaps, kisses or hugs to your virtual friends and enemies.
How (virtually) fun is that? Right? Right?
Come on, b*tch, say it!
*sends virtual slap*
I'm ashamed to say that the Internet slang "lol" is a word (is it?) that I sometimes use as a substitute for ... well, me laughing. Like, in real life. When I am talking to real people. "What did you just say? 'Lull'??"
Dinner and a movie becomes meal tray with me comfortably slouched on a couch in front of my PC screen, watching Surfthechannel.com.
Oh, you do that too?
Well, let me tell you that we're in serious trouble. Serious trouble. Like 'Call-9-1-1- I-just-shot-the-sheriff-where-is-my-mind' kind of trouble.
The pursuit of happiness, Internet Addict Edition.
I don't wanna be rich!
I don't wanna be beautiful!
I don't wanna have a family!
I don't even wanna 'pursue' happiness!
Happiness is right THERE, no need for a pursuit or whatever ... happiness is this beautiful little square box with red and green flashing lights lying on the floor. Look!
You said 'relationships'?
How about a threesome? Me, my PC and a high speed Internet connection. That's happiness right there. Orgasmic, I'm tellin' ya.
Think about it.
What has become of your life ever since you finally got this Internet connection? -I should speak in the first person though, because this post really is about me and how insanely stupid and dependent Internet has made me.
Time flies, things happen, and you're not really "here", you're living inside your PC (literally) you've become "farteuse", "poopie", "smellycat911", "naughtynanny", a virtual entity that has more online friends than actual flesh and blood friends.
Your life comes down to what? An endless list of monosyllabic words -that really aren't even words: jpeg, gif, text, avi, DivX, doc, Word, MP3, MP4, WMV, Wav ...
Internet sings, it speaks, it makes you laugh, it informs you, it makes you feel smart, it doesn't judge you, it is anonymous, patient AND a great listener (hel-looooo LJ).
Yes, that's often more that you can say about your actual friends and family.
Why do you need an alarm clock when Internet can wake you up?
Why do you even need a TV set when you can watch television online?
Why do you need to subscribe to a newspaper (with nasty ink getting all over your hands) when every newspaper now has a (mostly free) online edition?
Why do you need to go out for a movie night with friends when you can do the same thing online?
Why do you need to even go out when you can buy everything you need (food, books, clothes, electronics, furniture and toilet paper) online?
Why do you need to go to the library when you can find everything and anything about -- everything online?
Unlike cigarettes, Internet isn't lethal, or deadly, or posing any immediate and direct threat to your health or that of your neighbors -last time I checked, I haven't killed anyone with my Internet surfing. Not officially anyway. I might have become blind as a bat, but I didn't kill no one.
But what is Internet? It's like the best substitute EVER for your mom, your dad, your grandma, who you are literally and symbolically killing. So yeah, unofficially I'm a serial killer.
You can now find ANY recipe you ever dreamed of online, I guess you won't be making those late night calls to your mom anymore. Bye Grandma!
And all these DIY sites? Amaaaaaaaazing! Dad, out the door!
Also watch out for something that is very similar to "second hand smoking": "second hand Internet surfing". In other words, passing on your addiction to someone else, causing them to become addicts or develop some of the symptoms associated with addiction = insanity, craziness, blindness, no human contact ... The contamination is subtle, but the threat is very real.
After alcoholism treatment centers, drug rehabs and psychiatric hospitals ... Internet rehabilitation centers will probably be next.
If you are a regular user with lots of free time on your hands, say you're on vacation or something -like me right now- Internet represents your downfall.
Say bye to me, because I'm going doooooowwwwwn!
God: "Do you have a last request before you go down?"
Me: "Yep. I'm taking my computer with me. This place where you're taking me ... they have Internet, right?"
"Tonight, little Kelly, 5, lost her mom and dad to Internet. The parents had a history of using and were known to the police.
Neighbors said they heard screams and saw red and green lights flashing inside the living room, where the family kept their computer. Then everything went dead silent in the house.
Forensic experts on the scene revealed that apparently the machine, which had developed a mind of its own, had attacked its owners, violently absorbing them into its system and scattering their remains into the Interweb. Their clothes were found stacked up on top of the modem.
The computer was taken into custody for questioning.
In their will, Kelly's parents are leaving her one thing, and one thing only -the only thing they ever owned: the family computer. Complete with an Internet connection."
Ahah. I must sound like I just woke up from a 20+ years sleep.
Or like a chain smoker.
"I know that cigarettes are dangerous. I know that I die a little bit inside every time I smoke one but the truth is, without them I feel like sh*t."
Can't live with them, can't live without them.
I feel like sh*t too when I don't have my Internet.
It's like that obligatory morning coffee. When I wake up, I'm in a fog, drooling all over my slippers, hair pointing in every direction. I feel like I won't make it through the day without that morning Internet connection.
First thing I do in the morning, last thing I do before I go to bed? Kissing my parents good morning / good night? Nope. Go to the bathroom? Uh-huh. Nah. Wash my teeth? *beep* Nope. Turn my PC on, turn my PC off.
A day without Internet is like *pauses to think* Well, I'd rather cut both my feet than spend a day without Internet.
Thank God these threats of mine are just a silly little joke, because I'd be in a wheelchair without my hands and feet right now, had I ever decided to carry out these threats. I'd be like, a trunk. Not pretty. And I wouldn't be able to type anymore. Oh, the horror! Kill me now!
Internet becomes this weird substitute for friends, relationships, nights out, TV, newspapers, books, and even candies.
Seriously though, who the hell needs candies when you are one click away from that kind of candy?
I don't.
You can now send virtual slaps, kisses or hugs to your virtual friends and enemies.
How (virtually) fun is that? Right? Right?
Come on, b*tch, say it!
*sends virtual slap*
I'm ashamed to say that the Internet slang "lol" is a word (is it?) that I sometimes use as a substitute for ... well, me laughing. Like, in real life. When I am talking to real people. "What did you just say? 'Lull'??"
Dinner and a movie becomes meal tray with me comfortably slouched on a couch in front of my PC screen, watching Surfthechannel.com.
Oh, you do that too?
Well, let me tell you that we're in serious trouble. Serious trouble. Like 'Call-9-1-1- I-just-shot-the-sheriff-where-is-my-mind' kind of trouble.
The pursuit of happiness, Internet Addict Edition.
I don't wanna be rich!
I don't wanna be beautiful!
I don't wanna have a family!
I don't even wanna 'pursue' happiness!
Happiness is right THERE, no need for a pursuit or whatever ... happiness is this beautiful little square box with red and green flashing lights lying on the floor. Look!
You said 'relationships'?
How about a threesome? Me, my PC and a high speed Internet connection. That's happiness right there. Orgasmic, I'm tellin' ya.
Think about it.
What has become of your life ever since you finally got this Internet connection? -I should speak in the first person though, because this post really is about me and how insanely stupid and dependent Internet has made me.
Time flies, things happen, and you're not really "here", you're living inside your PC (literally) you've become "farteuse", "poopie", "smellycat911", "naughtynanny", a virtual entity that has more online friends than actual flesh and blood friends.
Your life comes down to what? An endless list of monosyllabic words -that really aren't even words: jpeg, gif, text, avi, DivX, doc, Word, MP3, MP4, WMV, Wav ...
Internet sings, it speaks, it makes you laugh, it informs you, it makes you feel smart, it doesn't judge you, it is anonymous, patient AND a great listener (hel-looooo LJ).
Yes, that's often more that you can say about your actual friends and family.
Why do you need an alarm clock when Internet can wake you up?
Why do you even need a TV set when you can watch television online?
Why do you need to subscribe to a newspaper (with nasty ink getting all over your hands) when every newspaper now has a (mostly free) online edition?
Why do you need to go out for a movie night with friends when you can do the same thing online?
Why do you need to even go out when you can buy everything you need (food, books, clothes, electronics, furniture and toilet paper) online?
Why do you need to go to the library when you can find everything and anything about -- everything online?
Unlike cigarettes, Internet isn't lethal, or deadly, or posing any immediate and direct threat to your health or that of your neighbors -last time I checked, I haven't killed anyone with my Internet surfing. Not officially anyway. I might have become blind as a bat, but I didn't kill no one.
But what is Internet? It's like the best substitute EVER for your mom, your dad, your grandma, who you are literally and symbolically killing. So yeah, unofficially I'm a serial killer.
You can now find ANY recipe you ever dreamed of online, I guess you won't be making those late night calls to your mom anymore. Bye Grandma!
And all these DIY sites? Amaaaaaaaazing! Dad, out the door!
Also watch out for something that is very similar to "second hand smoking": "second hand Internet surfing". In other words, passing on your addiction to someone else, causing them to become addicts or develop some of the symptoms associated with addiction = insanity, craziness, blindness, no human contact ... The contamination is subtle, but the threat is very real.
After alcoholism treatment centers, drug rehabs and psychiatric hospitals ... Internet rehabilitation centers will probably be next.
If you are a regular user with lots of free time on your hands, say you're on vacation or something -like me right now- Internet represents your downfall.
Say bye to me, because I'm going doooooowwwwwn!
God: "Do you have a last request before you go down?"
Me: "Yep. I'm taking my computer with me. This place where you're taking me ... they have Internet, right?"
"Tonight, little Kelly, 5, lost her mom and dad to Internet. The parents had a history of using and were known to the police.
Neighbors said they heard screams and saw red and green lights flashing inside the living room, where the family kept their computer. Then everything went dead silent in the house.
Forensic experts on the scene revealed that apparently the machine, which had developed a mind of its own, had attacked its owners, violently absorbing them into its system and scattering their remains into the Interweb. Their clothes were found stacked up on top of the modem.
The computer was taken into custody for questioning.
In their will, Kelly's parents are leaving her one thing, and one thing only -the only thing they ever owned: the family computer. Complete with an Internet connection."