Chapter Four!!!
And we go back to the horror of the House/Cameron/Tritter triangle.
Chapter IV
*House, Cuddy, Tritter, Foreman, Cameron, Chase and Kutner are still at the table. Jesse Pinkman is still there - probably evading Walter White in order to get out of doing something he doesn’t feel like. They are still confused by the bad-fic.*
HOUSE
Dr. Greg House knew some things in life were inevitable.
House: Death, taxes, and Cuddy’s breasts.
Cuddy: Hey, now.
For example: he knew for a fact that one day he would go too far and Cuddy - or the board - would fire him.
Cuddy: Like when you drove your car into my house?
House: Even after that, Foreman hired me back.
Foreman: If only to satisfy my evil sadistic power-hungry longings.
House: I find that an acceptable reason to hire someone.
He knew that although he was brilliant he was also uniquely unemployable.
Kutner: Can you imagine House working at, like, a car-wash? “Your car is ready to go through the wash, now. By the way, you have syphilis.”
He understood that when that time came he would need to be prepared. When that time came he would need two things. Money and Vicodin.
House: And hookers. You cannot forget hookers.
Most of his money was tied up in a blend of blue chip and foreign investments. He used every tax loophole imaginable to sock away his "retirement fund". Large chunks of it gathered interest in funds and a few numbered accounts. He was eventually destined for a warm, tax-free haven. All completely legal - although it might look odd to anyone who was not House. He had great plans for that money.
House: Is this in any way important?
Cameron: Yeah, seriously, do we care? Is this relevant to the story?
Tritter: And what is a blue chip investment? I think this writer may be much more talented at economics than they are at fanfiction.
In the meantime, House liked his pleasures, and certain distractions didn't come cheap, so he
House: Like I said, hookers.
Neil Patrick Harris: *walks in* Have you ever snorted coke off a hooker’s ass while driving 200 miles per hour?! *looks at Kutner* Hey, I know you. Kumar, right?
Kutner: Uh, no, I’m Kutner.
NPH: Oh, shit, well… I guess I mistook you for someone else. I’m on shrooms right now, so… yeah…
supplemented his income with gambling. The cash he won was never declared on his taxes.
Jesse: Taxes are Kafkaesque, yo!
And he played to win, and that was the reason he excluded Wilson from his poker games. It wouldn't be fair to keep fleecing a guy who kept putting his career on the line for him. The cash went to pay for those certain pleasurable distractions. The women. The bike.
Cuddy: Now, House, if you were just a little nicer, you could have me, and I’m free.
It was also amusing to let people think he was a slave to his desires
House: I’m only a slave on Tuesday nights. On Wednesday I’m the master.
Foreman: That could sound really racist if I didn’t know you were a total pervert.
and frittered his salary away. If Wilson knew for a moment he had millions saved, invested and gathering interest… well, he'd never be able to hit him up for short term loans again.
House: I don’t think I’m quite that harsh, am I?
Wilson: Well, you usually pay me back eventually.
House: Here’s your $5,000. *hands him a check*
Wilson: AGAIN?
And wasn't that was friends were for?
House: No, friends are for sex without commitment when it’s been too long. *everyone looks at him* Uh… *nervous laughter*
WILSON
Between loaning money to House, paying alimony, paying divorce lawyers, paying hotel bills, paying legal fees and paying medical insurance, there were days Wilson wondered why he even bothered to get out of bed. And then he remembered he was single handedly driving the US economy and it would be unpatriotic for him to stop.
Wilson: Well, that was a stupid paragraph. That’s my contribution? That I spend too much money? I am a doctor, I do have money, that is when Tritter isn’t freezing my accounts. Even if House takes a large chunk of it.
CHASE
Of course, he had other sets. Of course, he was still into that sort of thing. Lately, it was the only thing. He'd have to stop skipping work to indulge himself though. He'd been docked pay over not being around to help with the fat guy.
Chase: Does anyone remember what this refers to? What do I have a set of? It’s been a while since we MST-ed this.
House: I think it has to do with your interest in S&M, given that even though it was only mentioned in one episode, it is mentioned in every single fanfic under the sun.
Cameron: *stops hitting Chase with a whip*
Chase: *grumbles* House, why, just when it’s getting good?! It’s the only way I can tolerate this damn fic.
Cameron: *starts again*
Still. It had been worth it.
Chase: Not having to treat the fat guy? Do I really hate fat people that much? Oh, we should MST that fic where it’s explained why I hate fat people and I think Cameron’s fat.
Cameron: Oh, jolly. We absolutely must.
House: How can Cameron be fat? She turns sideways and I think she called out.
Chase: *shrugs* Another day, another MST.
Tritter: Cameron? Fat? I don’t know, I personally like women with a bit of meat on their bones.
Cuddy: Okay, Tritter, we could have gone without knowing you’re a chubby chaser.
CUDDY
If House pulled just one more stupid stunt she would fire his bony butt. No wonder she couldn't get pregnant with all this stress.
Cuddy: See, House! You’re interfering with my ability to procreate.
House: I could help you with that, y’know.
Then again - it might be the donor too. Three marriages and not one kid? Maybe she should try someone else.
Amber: *walks in* You just didn’t have the right woman. I’m more fertile than most.
House: You are in no way maternal, Cutthroat Bitch.
Kutner: *stares at Amber* Aren’t you dead?
Amber: Aren’t you?
Someone like
HOUSE
House: *sings* Someone like you, makes it hard to get Cuddy pregnant… with somebody else… someone like you… makes it easy to give sperm donations…
Cuddy: *slaps him* Stop with the Rod Stewart. It’s distracting.
Cameron didn't even try to hide the fact she was still seeing him. She obviously liked the rush, the danger. Her naughty little genie was out of the bottle and not going back in.
Tritter: I am now plagued by the mental image of a naked Robin Williams, dyed blue.
House: Why do I get the feeling that something like that happened with Tobias on Arrested Development?
He tossed the tennis ball around during the differentials and made a few obvious digs at the appropriate moments. "Going to be all tied up this evening?" or "Copping a feel again?" or the morning she arrived an hour late. "Just how many speeding tickets are you trying to get out of?"
House: Har, har. I am so very witty here. I think I would have gotten over it by now.
Chase: Hey, House, so I guess Cameron and Tritter will be going to TIE-LAND - ha, ha, ha, ha!
Cameron: *kicks him in the nuts*
Chase: *swallows hard*
She just shrugged it off.
House: Yeah, ‘cause her hands were hand-cuffed behind her back.
Tritter: Why does me being a cop make me be into bondage? I handcuff people all day, it’s probably lost its novelty by now.
Dammit.
TRITTER
He decided he liked Cameron. Rather a lot. Maybe he'd just keep her.
Cameron: Wow, creeper.
Chase: Good to know that Tritter seems like the Casanova killer in Kiss the Girls.
Foreman: So I guess I’d be stuck being Alex Cross.
It was obvious that House's weak point was going to be his stash of money anyway. He just needed to understand how it was being used. What was House up to?
House: So here’s my random investments again…
Chase: That are never mentioned in the show.
Cuddy: Isn’t House’s weak point his leg, actually? And his Vicodin?
Tritter: Don’t suggest that I should try and make off with House’s leg, you’ll just give this writer ideas.
Tritter ripped off the nicotine patch and replaced it with a new one.
Tritter: I think I would have either quit smoking by this point or be back to smoking.
House: You’re now the new Herman Cain campaign manager.
Tritter: Watch House on Fox at 9PM. *exhales cigarette smoke* New advertising.
Money and drugs. It always seemed to come down to that. He scrutinized his own weakness. Unlike House, he tried to beat his addictions. Tritter certainly didn't drink like he used to.
Tritter: Yeah, apparently I drink fucking TEA! I do not drink fucking TEA!
Jesse: Dude, you are really upset about the damn tea thing.
Tritter: It is out of character!
Cuddy: Yeah, well, don’t make it a drinking game or this author will have a whole paragraph about you scrutinizing that weakness, too.
The smoking proved the worst so far, but he would beat that too. No substance, legal or otherwise, was ever going to own him again.
Tritter: Can smoking really OWN you?
House: Does Vicodin actually own me? I mean… I thought slavery was illegal.
Foreman: It is. I’ve checked during the time I’ve worked for you, just to reassure myself.
His affair with Cameron was becoming dangerously serious, however. It had reached the point he actually arranged to introduce her to his brother's family.
Tritter: Actually, I have no brothers. I have two sisters. It’s Fanon.
Foreman: Makes as much sense as you randomly having a brother that’s never mentioned.
Tritter: Unless my brother is Dr. Morrison from St. Elsewhere. He said his brother is a cop, so that actually makes a certain amount of sense.
House: And we went so long without mentioning St. Elsewhere…
CAMERON
They curled up under the blanket to break the biting wind.
House: Hehe, they said break wind.
Cuddy: *thwacks him*
It was unseasonably cold today. She felt sorry for his nephew playing in this freezing wind and told him so.
Tritter: That’s nothing. You should see when I use him as child labor.
"He's not cold when he's out there. Playing the game keeps him warm."
House: Or that could be the fact that you’ve lit him on fire.
"I don't understand football." Cameron stuffed her frozen fingers in her pockets. Long underwear. She should have listened to him when he advised her to wear it.
House: Of course you don’t understand it. It’s a manly game!
Wilson: Dr. Pepper Ten - IT’S NOT FOR WOMEN!
Cameron: Stupidest ad ever. Who the hell else is going to buy diet soda?
Chase: Hey, I drink diet soda.
House: You’ve made my point.
Michael explained it to her. "Football is a game of war. Gaining territory. Right now Billy's team is on the offensive. They have four tries - called 'downs' - to gain ten yards. If they make ten yards then they get four down again to gain another ten yards. It's called 'marching up the field'.'
Wilson: Does his name have to be Billy? Now I have songs from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog stuck in my head.
*Dr. Horrible walks in*
Dr. Horrible: Bwhaha, Captain Hammer - I have you now!
House: Captain Hammer’s… not here.
Dr. Horrible: Goddamnit.
House: What kind of doctor are you? I’m going to fire Thirteen and hire you instead.
Thirteen: Hey! Why?
House: Because you haven’t said anything this whole chapter of the MST.
Cameron blinked. That actually made sense to her.
House: I understand the game and it didn’t make sense to me.
Tritter: Why is there a paragraph of me explaining football? Is this going to be relevant?
House: You’re going to arrest me, and then it’s going to turn into The Longest Yard.
Tritter: No offense, but I think I’d win in a football game against you just based on the whole “level of physical ability” thing.
By the end of the game, she understood how it all worked. It wasn't just a mess of men bumping into each other.
Chase: No, that’s a gay orgy.
Wilson: But Tritter’s been to plenty of those, too. Easy mistake.
His nephew's team won by a single point - gained by a tensely anticipated field kick. She jumped up and down, cheering with the rest.
Cameron: What is a “field kick”? Is that the extra point you score after a touchdown? Anyone? And more so, how is this relevant?
Tritter: I still don’t know.
After the game, back at his brother's House,
House: Ooh, Freudian slip. I like it.
they stayed for a BBQ.
Cameron: Because “barbeque” was so much to spell out.
Billy and his teammates on the D line towered over Tritter. Cameron understood he played defense, pushing other guys out of the way to stop the quarterback from throwing the ball. "He's a good player because he's big," Michael joked as Billy picked him up and then set him down with a grunt. "It takes skill and training, but you can't teach size."
Tritter: When did I become “Michael”, by the way? Did I miss that part? Why am I on a first name basis with anyone? I think I was called Michael all of once in the show, and that was by Cuddy and it was as part of my whole damn name.
House: Mikey Mike and the Tritter Bunch.
HOUSE
"What do you see in the guy?" he asked her during a routine consult in the clinic. "It can't be the snappy uniform."
Tritter: *sighs* Yet AGAIN, detectives don’t WEAR uniforms! We just dress professionally.
House's elderly patient was a regular, and she insisted that another doctor be present during her exam if that snippy Dr. House had to treat her.
"I bet I'm way better during sex than he is."
Chase: I can only hope that it wasn’t the elderly patient saying that.
"Skill's overrated, House." Cameron made notes on the chart, then winked at the woman. "You can't teach size."
Tritter: Wow, what an Ironic Echo.
Foreman: Everybody lies.
The old woman made a shocked but appreciative sound. "Oh, good burn, dear. I'm sharing that one with the bridge club."
Jesse: Har. Har. Har. Now we have a wisecracking elderly patient using the word “burn”.
House peered at his patient, annoyed. "I can prescribe a series of unnecessary enemas, you know."
The old woman pursed her lips for a moment and then declared. "Go ahead. It'll be worth it."
House: I think I would actually ask this woman out due to her spunk.
Cuddy: And because you are that desperate that you are willing to date Miss Lonely Hearts.
TRITTER
The vibrating cell woke him up.
Tritter: This story makes me feel like I’m locked away IN a vibrating cell.
Tritter gazed a moment at Cameron's supine form, decided she was still in a deep sleep, and slipped out of the room to answer.
House: *cranks out the dictionary* Apparently “supine” means “1. lying on the back, face or front upward. 2. inactive, passive, or inert, especially from indolence or indifference.
3. (of the hand) having the palm upward.
Cameron: I’m inert due to indifference.
He hoped the investigation had a break, that he'd tracked House's motives down. He needed the money shot to nail House to the wall.
House: Hah! Money shot. Like in a porno. Tritter wants to shoot his wad of investigation all over my face.
CAMERON
His voice was muffled but he was obviously upset about something. She stirred, sat up a little and listened.
no - he's got to be hiding something… want to know what. I have to nail this arrog … imp - … just keep look…let me know. I'll …. into some of the lawsuits he's … t least one suspicious death just a few mon… tic City death… unlikely transplant… let me know …
Tritter: I for one would like to know who is on the other end of this phone. Who is helping me pursue this increasingly pointless and ridiculous vendetta?
House: It’s the One-Armed Man from The Fugitive.
Tritter: No wonder he hasn’t called me back, he’s got trouble holding the phone.
Cameron heard him set the cell down and she settled back into the pillow. Obviously working on a case. He snuggled back in beside her and soon fell asleep again. Cameron nearly did too, but the snatches of his phone conversation kept playing in her head.
Her eyes flew open.
I have to nail this arrogant gimp - … just keep looking - at least one suspicious death just a few months ago… then the Atlantic City death …
Tritter: I called him a gimp? Isn’t that bad even by my standards?
House: I find that racist. “And if there’s one thing I’m not - it’s a racist.” *said like the line in The Legend of the Titanic*
Tritter was still investigating House.
And that meant…
Foreman: House isn’t the father of Cameron’s baby?
Chase: There’s a sale at Penney’s?
Dr. Horrible: There really is a way to defeat Captain Hammer?
Jesse: Mr. White is finally going to cut me a break?
House: I’m going to be in a relationship that actually works?
Cameron: That pizza I ordered an hour ago is finally going to get here?
Tritter: All these questions will be answered, and more, in Chapter Five.
Chapter IV
*House, Cuddy, Tritter, Foreman, Cameron, Chase and Kutner are still at the table. Jesse Pinkman is still there - probably evading Walter White in order to get out of doing something he doesn’t feel like. They are still confused by the bad-fic.*
HOUSE
Dr. Greg House knew some things in life were inevitable.
House: Death, taxes, and Cuddy’s breasts.
Cuddy: Hey, now.
For example: he knew for a fact that one day he would go too far and Cuddy - or the board - would fire him.
Cuddy: Like when you drove your car into my house?
House: Even after that, Foreman hired me back.
Foreman: If only to satisfy my evil sadistic power-hungry longings.
House: I find that an acceptable reason to hire someone.
He knew that although he was brilliant he was also uniquely unemployable.
Kutner: Can you imagine House working at, like, a car-wash? “Your car is ready to go through the wash, now. By the way, you have syphilis.”
He understood that when that time came he would need to be prepared. When that time came he would need two things. Money and Vicodin.
House: And hookers. You cannot forget hookers.
Most of his money was tied up in a blend of blue chip and foreign investments. He used every tax loophole imaginable to sock away his "retirement fund". Large chunks of it gathered interest in funds and a few numbered accounts. He was eventually destined for a warm, tax-free haven. All completely legal - although it might look odd to anyone who was not House. He had great plans for that money.
House: Is this in any way important?
Cameron: Yeah, seriously, do we care? Is this relevant to the story?
Tritter: And what is a blue chip investment? I think this writer may be much more talented at economics than they are at fanfiction.
In the meantime, House liked his pleasures, and certain distractions didn't come cheap, so he
House: Like I said, hookers.
Neil Patrick Harris: *walks in* Have you ever snorted coke off a hooker’s ass while driving 200 miles per hour?! *looks at Kutner* Hey, I know you. Kumar, right?
Kutner: Uh, no, I’m Kutner.
NPH: Oh, shit, well… I guess I mistook you for someone else. I’m on shrooms right now, so… yeah…
supplemented his income with gambling. The cash he won was never declared on his taxes.
Jesse: Taxes are Kafkaesque, yo!
And he played to win, and that was the reason he excluded Wilson from his poker games. It wouldn't be fair to keep fleecing a guy who kept putting his career on the line for him. The cash went to pay for those certain pleasurable distractions. The women. The bike.
Cuddy: Now, House, if you were just a little nicer, you could have me, and I’m free.
It was also amusing to let people think he was a slave to his desires
House: I’m only a slave on Tuesday nights. On Wednesday I’m the master.
Foreman: That could sound really racist if I didn’t know you were a total pervert.
and frittered his salary away. If Wilson knew for a moment he had millions saved, invested and gathering interest… well, he'd never be able to hit him up for short term loans again.
House: I don’t think I’m quite that harsh, am I?
Wilson: Well, you usually pay me back eventually.
House: Here’s your $5,000. *hands him a check*
Wilson: AGAIN?
And wasn't that was friends were for?
House: No, friends are for sex without commitment when it’s been too long. *everyone looks at him* Uh… *nervous laughter*
WILSON
Between loaning money to House, paying alimony, paying divorce lawyers, paying hotel bills, paying legal fees and paying medical insurance, there were days Wilson wondered why he even bothered to get out of bed. And then he remembered he was single handedly driving the US economy and it would be unpatriotic for him to stop.
Wilson: Well, that was a stupid paragraph. That’s my contribution? That I spend too much money? I am a doctor, I do have money, that is when Tritter isn’t freezing my accounts. Even if House takes a large chunk of it.
CHASE
Of course, he had other sets. Of course, he was still into that sort of thing. Lately, it was the only thing. He'd have to stop skipping work to indulge himself though. He'd been docked pay over not being around to help with the fat guy.
Chase: Does anyone remember what this refers to? What do I have a set of? It’s been a while since we MST-ed this.
House: I think it has to do with your interest in S&M, given that even though it was only mentioned in one episode, it is mentioned in every single fanfic under the sun.
Cameron: *stops hitting Chase with a whip*
Chase: *grumbles* House, why, just when it’s getting good?! It’s the only way I can tolerate this damn fic.
Cameron: *starts again*
Still. It had been worth it.
Chase: Not having to treat the fat guy? Do I really hate fat people that much? Oh, we should MST that fic where it’s explained why I hate fat people and I think Cameron’s fat.
Cameron: Oh, jolly. We absolutely must.
House: How can Cameron be fat? She turns sideways and I think she called out.
Chase: *shrugs* Another day, another MST.
Tritter: Cameron? Fat? I don’t know, I personally like women with a bit of meat on their bones.
Cuddy: Okay, Tritter, we could have gone without knowing you’re a chubby chaser.
CUDDY
If House pulled just one more stupid stunt she would fire his bony butt. No wonder she couldn't get pregnant with all this stress.
Cuddy: See, House! You’re interfering with my ability to procreate.
House: I could help you with that, y’know.
Then again - it might be the donor too. Three marriages and not one kid? Maybe she should try someone else.
Amber: *walks in* You just didn’t have the right woman. I’m more fertile than most.
House: You are in no way maternal, Cutthroat Bitch.
Kutner: *stares at Amber* Aren’t you dead?
Amber: Aren’t you?
Someone like
HOUSE
House: *sings* Someone like you, makes it hard to get Cuddy pregnant… with somebody else… someone like you… makes it easy to give sperm donations…
Cuddy: *slaps him* Stop with the Rod Stewart. It’s distracting.
Cameron didn't even try to hide the fact she was still seeing him. She obviously liked the rush, the danger. Her naughty little genie was out of the bottle and not going back in.
Tritter: I am now plagued by the mental image of a naked Robin Williams, dyed blue.
House: Why do I get the feeling that something like that happened with Tobias on Arrested Development?
He tossed the tennis ball around during the differentials and made a few obvious digs at the appropriate moments. "Going to be all tied up this evening?" or "Copping a feel again?" or the morning she arrived an hour late. "Just how many speeding tickets are you trying to get out of?"
House: Har, har. I am so very witty here. I think I would have gotten over it by now.
Chase: Hey, House, so I guess Cameron and Tritter will be going to TIE-LAND - ha, ha, ha, ha!
Cameron: *kicks him in the nuts*
Chase: *swallows hard*
She just shrugged it off.
House: Yeah, ‘cause her hands were hand-cuffed behind her back.
Tritter: Why does me being a cop make me be into bondage? I handcuff people all day, it’s probably lost its novelty by now.
Dammit.
TRITTER
He decided he liked Cameron. Rather a lot. Maybe he'd just keep her.
Cameron: Wow, creeper.
Chase: Good to know that Tritter seems like the Casanova killer in Kiss the Girls.
Foreman: So I guess I’d be stuck being Alex Cross.
It was obvious that House's weak point was going to be his stash of money anyway. He just needed to understand how it was being used. What was House up to?
House: So here’s my random investments again…
Chase: That are never mentioned in the show.
Cuddy: Isn’t House’s weak point his leg, actually? And his Vicodin?
Tritter: Don’t suggest that I should try and make off with House’s leg, you’ll just give this writer ideas.
Tritter ripped off the nicotine patch and replaced it with a new one.
Tritter: I think I would have either quit smoking by this point or be back to smoking.
House: You’re now the new Herman Cain campaign manager.
Tritter: Watch House on Fox at 9PM. *exhales cigarette smoke* New advertising.
Money and drugs. It always seemed to come down to that. He scrutinized his own weakness. Unlike House, he tried to beat his addictions. Tritter certainly didn't drink like he used to.
Tritter: Yeah, apparently I drink fucking TEA! I do not drink fucking TEA!
Jesse: Dude, you are really upset about the damn tea thing.
Tritter: It is out of character!
Cuddy: Yeah, well, don’t make it a drinking game or this author will have a whole paragraph about you scrutinizing that weakness, too.
The smoking proved the worst so far, but he would beat that too. No substance, legal or otherwise, was ever going to own him again.
Tritter: Can smoking really OWN you?
House: Does Vicodin actually own me? I mean… I thought slavery was illegal.
Foreman: It is. I’ve checked during the time I’ve worked for you, just to reassure myself.
His affair with Cameron was becoming dangerously serious, however. It had reached the point he actually arranged to introduce her to his brother's family.
Tritter: Actually, I have no brothers. I have two sisters. It’s Fanon.
Foreman: Makes as much sense as you randomly having a brother that’s never mentioned.
Tritter: Unless my brother is Dr. Morrison from St. Elsewhere. He said his brother is a cop, so that actually makes a certain amount of sense.
House: And we went so long without mentioning St. Elsewhere…
CAMERON
They curled up under the blanket to break the biting wind.
House: Hehe, they said break wind.
Cuddy: *thwacks him*
It was unseasonably cold today. She felt sorry for his nephew playing in this freezing wind and told him so.
Tritter: That’s nothing. You should see when I use him as child labor.
"He's not cold when he's out there. Playing the game keeps him warm."
House: Or that could be the fact that you’ve lit him on fire.
"I don't understand football." Cameron stuffed her frozen fingers in her pockets. Long underwear. She should have listened to him when he advised her to wear it.
House: Of course you don’t understand it. It’s a manly game!
Wilson: Dr. Pepper Ten - IT’S NOT FOR WOMEN!
Cameron: Stupidest ad ever. Who the hell else is going to buy diet soda?
Chase: Hey, I drink diet soda.
House: You’ve made my point.
Michael explained it to her. "Football is a game of war. Gaining territory. Right now Billy's team is on the offensive. They have four tries - called 'downs' - to gain ten yards. If they make ten yards then they get four down again to gain another ten yards. It's called 'marching up the field'.'
Wilson: Does his name have to be Billy? Now I have songs from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog stuck in my head.
*Dr. Horrible walks in*
Dr. Horrible: Bwhaha, Captain Hammer - I have you now!
House: Captain Hammer’s… not here.
Dr. Horrible: Goddamnit.
House: What kind of doctor are you? I’m going to fire Thirteen and hire you instead.
Thirteen: Hey! Why?
House: Because you haven’t said anything this whole chapter of the MST.
Cameron blinked. That actually made sense to her.
House: I understand the game and it didn’t make sense to me.
Tritter: Why is there a paragraph of me explaining football? Is this going to be relevant?
House: You’re going to arrest me, and then it’s going to turn into The Longest Yard.
Tritter: No offense, but I think I’d win in a football game against you just based on the whole “level of physical ability” thing.
By the end of the game, she understood how it all worked. It wasn't just a mess of men bumping into each other.
Chase: No, that’s a gay orgy.
Wilson: But Tritter’s been to plenty of those, too. Easy mistake.
His nephew's team won by a single point - gained by a tensely anticipated field kick. She jumped up and down, cheering with the rest.
Cameron: What is a “field kick”? Is that the extra point you score after a touchdown? Anyone? And more so, how is this relevant?
Tritter: I still don’t know.
After the game, back at his brother's House,
House: Ooh, Freudian slip. I like it.
they stayed for a BBQ.
Cameron: Because “barbeque” was so much to spell out.
Billy and his teammates on the D line towered over Tritter. Cameron understood he played defense, pushing other guys out of the way to stop the quarterback from throwing the ball. "He's a good player because he's big," Michael joked as Billy picked him up and then set him down with a grunt. "It takes skill and training, but you can't teach size."
Tritter: When did I become “Michael”, by the way? Did I miss that part? Why am I on a first name basis with anyone? I think I was called Michael all of once in the show, and that was by Cuddy and it was as part of my whole damn name.
House: Mikey Mike and the Tritter Bunch.
HOUSE
"What do you see in the guy?" he asked her during a routine consult in the clinic. "It can't be the snappy uniform."
Tritter: *sighs* Yet AGAIN, detectives don’t WEAR uniforms! We just dress professionally.
House's elderly patient was a regular, and she insisted that another doctor be present during her exam if that snippy Dr. House had to treat her.
"I bet I'm way better during sex than he is."
Chase: I can only hope that it wasn’t the elderly patient saying that.
"Skill's overrated, House." Cameron made notes on the chart, then winked at the woman. "You can't teach size."
Tritter: Wow, what an Ironic Echo.
Foreman: Everybody lies.
The old woman made a shocked but appreciative sound. "Oh, good burn, dear. I'm sharing that one with the bridge club."
Jesse: Har. Har. Har. Now we have a wisecracking elderly patient using the word “burn”.
House peered at his patient, annoyed. "I can prescribe a series of unnecessary enemas, you know."
The old woman pursed her lips for a moment and then declared. "Go ahead. It'll be worth it."
House: I think I would actually ask this woman out due to her spunk.
Cuddy: And because you are that desperate that you are willing to date Miss Lonely Hearts.
TRITTER
The vibrating cell woke him up.
Tritter: This story makes me feel like I’m locked away IN a vibrating cell.
Tritter gazed a moment at Cameron's supine form, decided she was still in a deep sleep, and slipped out of the room to answer.
House: *cranks out the dictionary* Apparently “supine” means “1. lying on the back, face or front upward. 2. inactive, passive, or inert, especially from indolence or indifference.
3. (of the hand) having the palm upward.
Cameron: I’m inert due to indifference.
He hoped the investigation had a break, that he'd tracked House's motives down. He needed the money shot to nail House to the wall.
House: Hah! Money shot. Like in a porno. Tritter wants to shoot his wad of investigation all over my face.
CAMERON
His voice was muffled but he was obviously upset about something. She stirred, sat up a little and listened.
no - he's got to be hiding something… want to know what. I have to nail this arrog … imp - … just keep look…let me know. I'll …. into some of the lawsuits he's … t least one suspicious death just a few mon… tic City death… unlikely transplant… let me know …
Tritter: I for one would like to know who is on the other end of this phone. Who is helping me pursue this increasingly pointless and ridiculous vendetta?
House: It’s the One-Armed Man from The Fugitive.
Tritter: No wonder he hasn’t called me back, he’s got trouble holding the phone.
Cameron heard him set the cell down and she settled back into the pillow. Obviously working on a case. He snuggled back in beside her and soon fell asleep again. Cameron nearly did too, but the snatches of his phone conversation kept playing in her head.
Her eyes flew open.
I have to nail this arrogant gimp - … just keep looking - at least one suspicious death just a few months ago… then the Atlantic City death …
Tritter: I called him a gimp? Isn’t that bad even by my standards?
House: I find that racist. “And if there’s one thing I’m not - it’s a racist.” *said like the line in The Legend of the Titanic*
Tritter was still investigating House.
And that meant…
Foreman: House isn’t the father of Cameron’s baby?
Chase: There’s a sale at Penney’s?
Dr. Horrible: There really is a way to defeat Captain Hammer?
Jesse: Mr. White is finally going to cut me a break?
House: I’m going to be in a relationship that actually works?
Cameron: That pizza I ordered an hour ago is finally going to get here?
Tritter: All these questions will be answered, and more, in Chapter Five.