First MST.
Hey guys, first time MSTer *waves* so I hope this doesn't completely suck. I've sporked quite a few House fics over at badifc_quotes and a lot of people recommended this community, so I figured I'd give it a try.
This MST was beta'd by the wonderful naika7.
[Conference room. CAMERON works on some paperwork and FOREMAN and CHASE bicker over a crossword puzzle. Their pagers all go off at the same time, notifying them to head down to the auditorium.]
[Auditorium. HOUSE stands by the projector, tinkering with it until the words on the projection screen are legible.]
FOREMAN: Please tell me that's not what I think it is.
HOUSE: We have no patient, and I figured if I booked the auditorium, Cuddy would believe we're doing some actual work and let me skip my clinic hours.
CAMERON: I was doing some actual work.
HOUSE: Paperwork isn't actual work. Bad!fic takes precedence.
CHASE: I like that projection screen. At least we're not all huddled behind a computer monitor.
CAMERON: Fine, let's get started then. But this better be worth it.
HOUSE: Oh, I think it is... we'll start at the beginning, with me running through some woods.
He trudged through the thick underbrush, muttering under his breath. Twigs ensnared his jacket and shirt. He tore them both off and left them hanging on a tree. He wouldn’t need them where he was going. Death didn’t care whether he was covered up or not! And if it did, it could go to hell. Oh wait, that’s where it lives, scratch that.
CHASE: I know I left seminar school and all, but I don't remember Death living in Hell. I'm pretty sure Death is a neutral party. Wait a minute, House, do you even believe in Hell?
HOUSE: The clinic is my own personal Hell. I'm more concerned about the fact I'm naked.
The gibbous gleamed down at him through the dense forest, slivers of silver dancing along the tree trunks. Mocking him. Everything seemed to mock him…The stars, twinkling, blinking, bright little connect-the-dots gone wrong, they were so annoying. Laughing at him. He wouldn’t see stars where he was going. He wouldn’t see anything; except the huge black void of death.
FOREMAN: Does the author know twinkling and blinking mean the same thing?
HOUSE: There better be an explanation down the line as to why I apparently believe inanimate objects and intergalactic bodies are making fun of me.
Thud; I wonder if I’ll be disabled when I’m trapped in the land of rotting corpses?
CAMERON: Gross. I'm a doctor and all, but I just ate.
CHASE: I thought you weren't gonna see anything after you died, just the black void of death. Why are you suddenly concerned about your leg in an afterlife you don't really believe in?
HOUSE: And why did I lose all my clothes but kept my cane?
Thud; oh great, now it sounds as if I’ll be living in a world like Resident Evil.
CAMERON: Oh, look, a video-game reference. This author might have actually seen an episode or two of our show then.
Scratch; ow, that sound was not my cane. What the hell just went in my mouth!
[CHASE and FOREMAN snort]
HOUSE: Hey, wait a second, there was no slash warning on this!
CAMERON: Relax, keep reading, it was just a branch. Aw, there's some wolves now.
The wolves’ howls faded away into the darkness, just like the moon through the dark green bushes of tree tops, staring at him. But they weren’t mocking him. Just staring at him. Well, they would, if trees could stare.
CAMERON: I don't think trees can mock either.
CHASE: Wait, I thought the wolves were the ones staring.
FOREMAN: No, the wolves were mocking him, right?
HOUSE: Shh. Pay attention. I'm about to be eaten alive.
He continued walking, his pace marked by the echoing sound of his thudding cane, spreading throughout the silent night, alerting the beasts within.
FOREMAN: That's some acoustic forest in the middle of New Jersey.
They all flew down to snatch a vole that had scurried between House’s legs. Which basically meant that House was now being molested by a bunch of owls trying to get the vole; ripping his shirtless form of misery up in the process.
HOUSE: Molested by owls? That's gotta be a first, even for this fandom.
CAMERON: Perhaps taking off your clothes was a mistake.
His leg was throbbing, throbbing. Molesting owls, understanding trees, scratchy brambles, mocking pieces of natures puzzle, and a throbbing leg. This was the time for a Vicodin. He popped two, and continued on his way.
CHASE: You're naked. Where were you hiding your Vicodin?
HOUSE: [retrieves his pill bottle] I need some Vicodin right now, to deal with this story.
Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud - the pattering paws were coming back. They screeched to a halt, with one last thud of what he supposed was either an incompetent one, or a little one.
the pattering paws were coming back. They screeched to a halt, with one last of what he supposed was either an incompetent one, or a little one.
CAMERON: Why does the story keep repeating everything? It's annoying.
HOUSE: An incompetent one or a little one what?
FOREMAN: I'm assuming wolves, but honestly it could be the understanding trees...
CHASE: … or the mocking pieces of nature's puzzle.
Something was crashing through the trees, knocking branches aside and making an astonishingly loud noise.
FOREMAN: Maybe it's the monster from LOST.
A huge shape was dragging itself through the forest; letting out cries of pain. Help me. I am injured. I am in pain. The unspoken words were being carried by the wind, a mere imprint of the harsh, deep, throaty sobbing of the massive beast.
HOUSE: So, I can hear and understand animals now?
CAMERON: Well, you did treat Steve. Maybe you would've been better off as a veterinarian.
He wanted to run forward, help the beast, saying “I feel your pain! I feel your pain! We do not have to go through this alone! Man and Beast may unite to bring our sufferings to an end! Let me treat your wounds, I must help you…in order to help myself…” but something held him back, and he didn’t know what. Not to mention it sounded extremely corny.
CHASE: At least you admitted it was something corny.
HOUSE: [sarcastically] Yes, because in times of crisis, I always think of corny things to say. Me, feeling the pain of another being, and caring.
“Don’t leave me…“he whispered, his voice cracking. Now, after he had been all alone for so long, he had finally found someone who could understand, and he wanted to save this animal so badly, from the moment it had staggered into this small clearing. Was he actually caring?
HOUSE: No, I wasn't.
CAMERON: [sadly] It died. I'm caring.
HOUSE: Don't worry, it looks like it had friends, and maybe we'll get lucky and I'll be eaten by them in the next scene.
Around twenty or thirty wolves emerged into the clearing.
“Sacre bleu and merde.” he muttered. Okay, maybe they weren’t such idiots after all.
CHASE: What's with the random French?
The largest Timber Wolf, which he dubbed Spawn of Cuddy(Cuddy for short) Stood stiff legged and tall.
HOUSE: Hah! Spawn of Cuddy.
“Er, nice wolfie?” he tried, knowing it wouldn’t work, and if it did, he would be dubbed: The Wolf Whisperer and have his own TV show. Ha! Imagine that! A TV Show all about Dr. House!
CHASE: Oh, I see what they did there.
The rest of the wolves followed it’s actions. Except three. Stupid idiots, can’t they see there is meat? He dubbed these Cameron, Chase, and Foreman.
CAMERON: Hey!
Another wolf, had done everything so hesitantly, so reluctantly. He named it Wilson.
CAMERON: Okay, that sounds right.
Cuddy was attempting to kill him, and trying to get what he had dubbed Nurses and Secretaries, to follow suit.
HOUSE: I've never been naked in front of twenty or thirty wolves, but if that happened, I would like to think I'd be more concerned about getting the hell out of dodge rather than give them all names. No matter how appropriate those names may be.
Hating himself for what he was about to do, he plunged his hand into the body of the animal and ripped out an organ. He threw it as far as he could, and the wolves all ran after it. Except Cameron-Wolf, Chase-Wolf, and Foreman-Wolf. They all meekly inched towards him. He had a feeling they wouldn’t hurt him, so he reached out his hand. They started, but then eagerly licked his bloody hand, and eventually it was clean again.
CAMERON: Now I really think I'm gonna be sick.
HOUSE: Me too, with Echinococcosis, from touching a dead wolf with my bare hands.
He started walking away, and after about ten minutes of walking the way to go home, he turned around. There they were. The three nice wolves. Following him! The indignity! Well, maybe not. Misery loves company, right? So he continued to let them follow him, occasionally scratching them behind the ears, making them squirm in pleasure.
FOREMAN: The thought of you making anything squirm in pleasure makes me uncomfortable.
CHASE: The thought of him naked petting three wolves named after us makes me extremely uncomfortable.
“Maybe I should get a dog after this, what do you think?” he asked aloud, knowing they wouldn’t answer.
CAMERON: How did you know they weren't gonna answer? You were just having a conversation with a dying something-or-other five minutes ago.
The real counter-parts of the wolf pack were freaking out. Even though it was well into the night, police swarmed the PPTH questioning the staff on the missing person, Gregory House. Cameron was crying, Cuddy was crying, Wilson was having spazattacks, and Chase and Foreman had grave looks on their faces. Where was House? What had happened to him?
HOUSE: I knew I should've paged Wilson down here. I'm sure he'd appreciate knowing about his spazattacks.
When the police searched his office they found a plastic baggie with the words ‘SN’ written on it. Even though they didn’t know it at the time, they stood for ‘Suicide Note’. It was full of shredded pieces of paper. When they showed them to the staff of the hospital, know one seemed to know what it was, except Wilson. He had walked in when the cop was questioning the Team saying, “I know what that is!”
They all turned expectantly at him, when he answered in a cracked voice, “Trust House to make his suicide note a puzzle.”
Now the police were looking for a body, not a person.
FOREMAN: I'm confused, I thought they didn't know what SN stood for. I mean, I don't doubt the fact you'd leave a puzzle for a suicide note, but how do they know to look for a body if they haven't put the puzzle together?
HOUSE: Perhaps you missed the part where I was maintaining a conversation with a dying best - this story is sorely lacking any sense.
“Take me back now! I just want to go home, then I can come back here.”
CHASE: [imitating fic!House] Yes, please, now that we're in the hospital, take me back home so I can come back to the hospital! That'll make everything better.
“Sir, you’ve been reported as dead. Surely you want your friends to see that your alright?”
HOUSE: My alright what?
The door opened and in came a police officer, followed by a scowling House. He was covered head to toe in blood, except for his hands, which were oddly clean. With every step he took the caked up blood flaked to the ground. He had cuts all over his chest, face and arms, all of which were still bleeding. His hair was tangled, and he had dirt and sweat all over him. And he smelled like a corpse.
FOREMAN: You're covered in blood, you've been missing for hours, you're cut up and bleeding, and you smell like a corpse. Shouldn't they be checking for any missing persons and taking you in for questioning?
HOUSE: Not if I'm white.
[FOREMAN rolls his eyes.]
“Why are you here? I thought you wanted to commit suicide?” asked Cameron curiously.
“I changed my mind.”
“Why?”
HOUSE: [to CAMERON]You've been thinking I was dead for a couple of hours, and suddenly you're an insensitive bitch. I like it.
CAMERON: I don't.
“I don’t know! It was a big, dying animal, and I tried to make it live, but it died, and then the wolves came. Damnwolves. Except the nice three.” he rambled.
FOREMAN: As a neurologist, I'd like to point out this is around the time I'd be admitting House for a psych review and extensive testing.
House got cleaned up and eventually got sent home. Over the course of the next week, House continued to visit his wolves, which he had re-named Iris, Ada, and Lola.
HOUSE: I would never.
They were always more than happy to see him, and he usually spent an hour or so hanging out with them, throwing sticks, bringing food from the cafeteria for them, and just talking and petting them. It was great! Now House lived for the time he spent with his ‘daughters’.
CAMERON: That's kind of sweet. Completely off-character, especially the idea that you'd be buying any cafeteria food with your own money, even for your “daughters,” but sweet nonetheless.
He drove the hour long drive to the edge of the forest gates.
HOUSE: The gated forests of New Jersey.
The forest was supposed to be closed. But he hopped the fence anyways and the team had no choice but to follow him.
HOUSE: Cripple here. Only hopping I get to do these days is bar-hopping.
Silently, they climbed over the fence. When they dropped down, it seemed like[the teams'] jaws fell onto the ground.
CHASE: That sounds like a serious medical issue. We should probably pick those jaws up and get them surgically reattached.
“Oh. My. God!” squeaked Cameron, as she backed up against the fence. They saw House peering into the distance. They started walking towards them slowly, with House following behind. They paused just in front of the quivering team, and when House rounded the corner, he gasped.
CHASE: [scoffs] I would never quiver!
HOUSE: No, I think this part was right.
“I haven’t been acting strangely.” he said coldly. “Iris, Lola, it would raise awkward questions as to how my employees would be bitten, so could you please follow in the path of your sister, Ada?”
CAMERON: Since when is talking to wolves normal behavior for House?
“Yes you have! Been distracted, shoving three steaks in your bag, well I guess we know where those go. All your balls have teeth marks…And it’s all because of your stupid pet wolves!” cried Cameron boldly.
HOUSE: When did you get to see my balls?
CAMERON: [rolls her eyes] I think they're referring to your tennis balls. I'd be slightly more concerned if your other balls had teeth marks on them.
[HOUSE cringes in agreement.]
“It’s not like I’m caging them up or anything! I hang out with them for about an hour, and then I leave and they run back into the forest! And it’s not like they’ll attack anyone who follows me! I told them to stop, and they did. They are very smart.”
“House, if you don’t stop this on your on I will make you stop.” said Cameron.
CAMERON: How the hell am I supposed to stop you from seeing your pet wolves?
HOUSE: Why would you care to? Jealous?
CAMERON: [ignores HOUSE] I'm probably just worried for your health. It can't possibly be good to be touching wild wolves with your bare hands.
“Oh yeah? How are you going to do that? Tie me up? Ooo, Cameron! I never thought you’d be so kinky.” he snarked.
“No! I’m NOT going to tie you up! I’ll call the Fish & Game people and have your little friends executed!” Cameron cried. She didn’t actually mean it, but if that’s what it took.
CHASE: Of course she's that kinky.
CAMERON: [glares at CHASE] I would just like to clarify that I love animals, and I would never have any of them executed.
“Okay girls, I might not be able to visit you for a while because that evil lady over there is going to kill you if I don’t stay away for a bit.” they all whined, and he scratched each of their heads and hugged them all. He snapped a picture of them all and hugged them again. “So if I don’t come for a few weeks or so that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning you. And you can smell me when I come back, right? Okay. Bye guys, love you!” they all whined again. He hugged them one last time before returning to his employees.
HOUSE: Gee, thanks, Cameron.
CAMERON: Yeah, like you'd ever tell wolves you loved them. I'm probably doing you a favor.
Chase and Foreman blamed Cameron for his misery, saying that he had finally been happy. They told Wilson who blamed her too, but was a little bit nicer about it.
CAMERON: Seriously, why is everyone blaming me? I'm not House's mom, he can go to the damn woods on his own if these damn wolves mean so much to him.
Word had gotten out somehow that Cameron had done something to hurt House really badly. She was being whispered about everywhere she went, and hated it.
CAMERON: Yes, because House's so well-liked around here. People would probably buy me gifts if I did something to hurt House.
HOUSE: [mockingly] That hurts.
[CAMERON rolls her eyes as she continues to read the story.]
Ada, Iris, and Lola were sick and tired of waiting for their ‘father’ to come and see them. So they decided to see him! They walked around the fence until they saw a place where it was broken, and climbed through. Then they began the journey of following House’s scent.
CHASE: You must stink really bad for them to still be able to follow you for over fifty miles, several weeks later.
House was sitting in his chair of misery in his office of doom.
HOUSE: Well, when you put it that way... actually, my chair is rather comfortable. I don't disagree about the office though.
They raced along the corridors, dodging people, patients, and security. Finally, they skidded outside of House’s door, and scratched and scratched. When he opened it; he was bowled over by the wolves, they started licking him.
[…]
Cameron ran up to him, crying, “I can’t believe you brought them here!” Now everyone stared at her.
CAMERON: Why am I crying, exactly?
HOUSE: Because it's the only acceptable response to my disobedience.
CAMERON: If I cried every time you didn't do something I asked you to do, I'd be dead from dehydration.
The wolves were in the back seat of Cameron’s minivan.
CAMERON: I don't drive a minivan.
“I can’t believe you want me to kill my furry daughters.” he huffed.
HOUSE: [stares at the monitor in disbelief] My. Furry. Daughters.
FOREMAN: House, this could be serious. We should track down this author, I think this is a severely disturbed person. It could be a brain tumor, schizophrenia, or a number of other neurological or psychological disorders.
When they reached they road where House would normally turn onto the empty road, towards the forest, he suddenly threw open the car door and jumped out of it, rolling across the ground, his wolves jumped out too, but landed on all fours. “Go on,” he whispered to them. “Run away, go. You’ll die if you stay here.” they each gave him a lingering look of sadness before running away down the road.
HOUSE: Even before my infarction, I don't think I'd jump out of a moving car.
CHASE: Are you sure? I mean, Cameron's the one driving here.
CAMERON: Hey!
Cuddy had been angry when her hospital had suffered that blow, but she had gotten over it quickly.
FOREMAN: Yes, I'm sure a PR crisis as a result of wild wolves invading your hospital and scaring your patients would've been easy to handle.
Wilson has been terrified of wolves ever since.
HOUSE: Wilson has nothing to be terrified about. He was barely in this story, except for a couple spazzattacks and a slight confrontation with the wolves.
Chase wished he had a pack of wolves.
CHASE: I do, actually.
Ada, Iris, and Lola had grown to know House as their pack leader, and admired him greatly. […] They each met a guy wolf and had pups.
CAMERON: Guy wolves?
HOUSE: Please tell me I don't end up referring to them as my fur grandbabies.
Everything turned out okay in the end.
HOUSE: I don't consider character assassination “okay.”
FOREMAN: You're just bitter because you don't have friendly wolves to love.
? - Wow. This is just a really crazy and very, very, very unrealistic oneshot I wrote because I was bored. I hope you like it, I don’t really like it that much, and if you could read it to the end you are awesome.
CHASE: [beams] You hear that? We're awesome.
Note from shipperfey: Feel free to give me concrit on my MSTing skills (or lack therof) :D