"Unplanned Parenthood" review/picspam/whatever.
This is a review/picspam of the episode "Unplanned Parenthood"
(wasn't kidding about those titles. can we get some subtlety plzthnx?)
Let me start this off by saying, thank you guys! the past couple of picspams have gotten such awesome comments and it's definitely what's inspired me to do more, you guys are awesome!
these cookies shaped like cuddy's boobs are for you:
PS: I have vowed not to make any "Nobody puts baby in a corner" allusions. #DealWithIt.
PS2: This picspam/review/whateverthefuckthismutanthybridis is dedicated to mah lovely poocat , for metaphorically mailing me sprites while writing this, and because I promised to dedicate the last one to her and I forgot. WHOOPS.
This episode was a reall dud:
*Patient drama deserves a D
*Ducklings drama deserves a C
*Huddy/OT3/etc drama deserves a B+
Overall I'd give this episode a C+
Let's get on with the review or whatever the hell it is that I do!
Let me start off by saying this episode started like no episode of ANYTHING should ever start.
Actually, if you videotape a birth, I judge you. I judge you so hard, and I judge nothing. (except for the usage of crocks)
Why would you want to videotape a birth? what is it so special about a birth? just youtube birth and you'll get the gist, you DON'T want to see the things that happen to your vagina during a birth.
Just no. OKAY? It made me not want to have kids, in fact, I'm calling my doctor right now to schedule a histerectomy.
Now, we all know that's a lie, because I love myself too much to not pass on my flawless genes, but still.
This woman, though, did not have flawless genes, and she already had a daughter so I see no point in putting her vagina through moar suffering, you bad, bad woman.
Her daughter is holding the camera and fighting with her mom who is in the process of pushing a watermelon out of an apple-sized hole. Wow, real subtle, is this a plot point?
Now I, of course, have never been pregnant, and I know your stomach doesn't immediately deflate after having a kid, but jesus, isn't it supposed to go down a bit? I mean a fricking basketball just came out from there, I'm not asking for much, maybe a few inches.
OH HI LANE KIM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ISN'T IT PAST YOUR CURFEW? MRS. KIM IS GONNA BE VERY MAD.
OH FUCK, TOO LATE.
We are abruptly interrupted in the middle of a scene by the sound of cuddy's boobs bouncing as she walks towards house, and whispers sexily "I need you"
SEE? I CAN WRITE BETTER THAN STEPHENIE MEYER.
Inside his office other office she not so subtley asks him to babysit Rachel.
Have you learnt nothing in House 101, Cuddy? You have to ease him into these things, just like putting a fish into a new tank, you don't just dump it in!
House is actually trying to be a mature responsible doctor by saying he has a patient to take care off, but Cuddy's all like NO NO RACHEL MOAR IMPORTANT.
Cuddy's all like "I'm not bargaining sex for babysitting" BITCH PLEASE. THAT'S PROBABLY ONE OF YOUR FANTASIES. I BET YOU EVEN ROLEPLAY IT.
"OH NO, THE MEAN OLD DOCTOR BABYSAT MY KID BUT I HAVE NO MONEY TO PAY HIM. WHAT EVER COULD I DO?"
House tells Foreman he now needs to hire a doctor because apparently this is 1st grade. When's the paste eating contest starting? Oh fuck, the teacher's here, everybody act normal you guisee~
Foreman of course, didn't want to miss a chance to suck House's dick so he told him he'd already narrowed it down to idk how many candidates. We can then see him smirk at the thought of House/Cuddy having sex. Oh my.. is Foreman a.. Huddy shipper? Am I gonna have to LIKE him now? Maybe we can all agree that he's just a pervert, that will make me feel way better.
House is babysitting Rachel, and tbqh Cuddy is a really annoying mom, like forreal.
And LOL at House pretending to actually give a fuck about another human being, really Cuddy? You bought that? dayum gurl.
House's theme song should be Poker Face or sth.
(I told you not yet, get back to work house gaga)
As he is attempting (and miserably failing) to raid her vegetarian fridge, I'm starting to feel like he's up to no good. I suspect some shenanigans are coming up soon.
I want to keep talking but something super adorable just appeared on my screen and I need to squee and aww appropiately.
awwww
squeeee
d'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Also, Rachel is so lucky to have gotten all the pretty genes from Lucas Till, I mean, she looks NOTHING like her ~mother. forreal.
She actually kinda looks like her adoptive mother.
The casting guys KNOW that she's not Cuddy's biological daughter... right?
Baby is sick, Taub is short, Foreman is black, Bears shit in the woods and the Pope is Catholic.
WOAH. who is that. why is she sitting in my chair right next to chase?
Oh wait, she's House's lesson~
But why does she HAVE to be hot? she's only gonna be onscreen for like 5 minutes, srsly writers, it's getting annoying now.
And here I was thinking some top notch pussy would make him less douchey.
JOKE'S ON ME U GUYS.
Coming up next, a "Who cares less" contest between House & Wilson, clearly House wins because... I really don't need to explain this.
After that, comes a "Who cares less about caring less" contest between House & Wilson, I'm pretty confused but I think Wilson wins this round.
After that, comes a "Destroying houses" contest & Rachel definitely takes the prize.
And the prize is, a dime! She swallowed it fast so that no one could get to it, now you might think she's stupid, but she's not, she'll TOTALLY regurgitate it later, like that guy who swallows things in the Guiness or whatever..
Also, Wilson's BA BA BA is gonna give me nightmares...
Something about livers and doctor Chang. I'm so sad Lane changed her last name =(
Apparently, it's now Taub's turn to hire someone, and idk why he's even bothering, House is OBVIOUSLY going to fire her and hire someone else because while she's pretty she's definitely not young/hot enough to be on House's entourage.
House is putting all the complaining he learnt in his complaining 101 class in college to good use. BLA BLA BLA RACHEL IS AN IDIOT SHE RUINED MY LIFE. (Um, of course she's an idiot, her mother was drinking while she was pregnant (At least the first few months), and her dad seemed all kinds of stupid.)
Also, he's trying to move a coin inside somebody's body with a fridge magnet,
This is probably my favourite scene in the whole episode, Wilson has been climbing in/out of windows a lot this season, huh?
"You're telling me to do the right thing... WHILE CLIMBING OUT A WINDOW?" (ngl been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, uploaded the pics on fb, etc)
Oh honey, I don't want to use that Pot-calling-the-kettle-black-macro again, but you're pretty much the CHAMPION of not following your own advice.
I bet your grandson gave you a mug that said that.
So Justine (who is very, very hot, maybe House should look into hiring her) and her mom don't get along, that's intresting. I wonder what happened there. Oh no worries, I bet we're gonna find out soon, it's not like they are going to be completely vague about it and never finish up with the idea. They wouldn't do something like that... right?
House is waking up... in the middle of the night.. to change your daughters diaper, and you suspect nothing? HOLY HELL WOMAN WHEN DID YOU GET SO DUMB.
I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU
IKR I'M TOTALLY SIDEEYING MY MOM RN.
LOL JK GET IT CUDDY U BE HAWT.
JUSTINE WALKS IN. I BET WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT WHY SHE AND HER MOTHER DON'T GET ALONG. I CAN FEEL IT. IT'S COMING.
WELL
THAT WAS DISAPPOINTING. HER MOTHER DID NOT SHOW ENOUGH EMOTION WHILE RAISING HER?
BITCH PLEASE, SHE DIDN'T RAPE YOU.
WHO ARE YOU. TAYLOR SWIFT? GO WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT.
House & Wilson sneak Rachel into the hospital, and I'm sitting here thinking how much of a foolproof plan this is.
Like, Cuddy will NEVUH find out you guiseee.
It's not like Marina could be like OMG I CAN'T FIND RACHEL AROUND THE HOUSE, WHERE COULD SHE BE?
And even if House told Marina she could leave and he'd watch Rachel, it's not like she wouldn't mention it to Cuddy.
(we DID learn tho in 5 to 9 that Marina is quite handicapped when it comes to operating phones)
And even if Marina told Cuddy House watched Rachel, it's not like that would sound believable to anyone's ears.
Although Cuddy's been acting stupid all throughout this episode who knows.
THIS IS SO CONFUSING I WANT MY BLANKET.
MUCH BETTER THANKS HANNAH.
Really. Wilson.
REALLY?
HOLY HELL HE WASN'T LYING.
This is a surprisingly quiet toddler. She's being dragged out of her bed while she was sleeping, by 2 men she barely knows, who are now opening her jammies and spreading some gel through her tummy.
I'm pretty sure Darwin wasn't talking about her with the whole survival of the fittest thing.
NO LADY. THIS IS NOT A MIRACLE. THIS IS SCIENCE. LEARN THE MOTHERFUCKING DIFFERENCE. HOUSE DID NOT GO TO MEDSCHOOL FOR A BAZILLION YEARS TO PERFORM MIRACLES OK.
House and Wilson are now talking about shoving up a scope up Rachel's rectum. Oh this is the DEFINITION of creepy.
Really? Rachel's gonna let them do that? and be quiet? what kind of MONSTER IS SHE OMG.
(btw, I still don't get why rachel is wearing a white dress on top of her pajamas. what is this i can't even omg)
BLA BLA BLA BLA, "I WANTED THIS BABY BECAUSE I WANTED A CHANCE TO BE A SPECIAL MOM"
Hey, an Idea, JUST SAYING. HOW ABOUT YOU TRY TO BE A SPECIAL MOM TO THE KID YOU ALREADY HAVE?
SMH
All I could see in these scene were Cuddy's girls.
DID YOU SEE NIPPLE? IT ONLY COUNTS IF YOU SAW A NIPPLE.
OH THE MOM GAVE THE BABY CANCER. THAT'S OK. I'M SURE THIS HAS A HAPPY ENDING.
the mom has.. TWO CANCERS?
Oh my god. this is how I think they come up with the cases for every episode:
they have 3 dices. one of them has a disease on each side, one of them has stuff like "treats, cures, makes worse, makes better, etc" on each side, and the other one has random medication on each side.
They lost the medication dice so they had to roll the disease side twice.
that's the ONLY WAY ANYONE COULD'VE EVER COME UP WITH "CANCER TREATS CANCER"
YEAH. SURE. GO AHEAD AND RISK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIFE IN ORDER TO SAVE YOUR BABY WHO WILL MOST LIKELY BE OKAY ANYWAYS.
I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR BABY WILL NEED A MOTHER, ALTHOUGH ACCORDING TO JUSTINE NOT HAVING YOU AROUND WILL BE EXACTLY THE CHILDHOOD SHE WAS MEANT TO HAVE ANYWAYS.
UGH THIS BITCH, FORREAL. SHE HAS A BABY FOR THE MOST SELFISH REASONS EVER AND NOW SHE KILLS HERSELF FOR THE MOST SELFISH REASONS EVER.
OH NO. MOTHER DEAD.
BABY ALIVE.
MIRACLE. GODSENT, ETC, ETC.
JUSTINE PICKS UP BABY AND TELLS HER SHE'LL TELL HER ALL ABOUT THE GREAT MOTHER SHE NEVER GOT TO MEET. I'M KIND OF CONFUSED SINCE I'M SURE SHE'S MAKING UP THIS GREAT MOTHER CAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT BITCH WAS.
2 SISTERS. ALONE. IN THE WORLD.
TAUB IS JERK AND GET'S TOLD.
RACHEL POOPS DIME.
END OF LIFETIME MOVIE.
SERIOUSLY THO FORREAL WHAT THE FUCK WAS HALF OF THIS EPISODE?
JFC.
I LOVED THE RACHEL/WILSON/HOUSE PARTS THO. BUT SMH AT THE REST.
(wasn't kidding about those titles. can we get some subtlety plzthnx?)
Let me start this off by saying, thank you guys! the past couple of picspams have gotten such awesome comments and it's definitely what's inspired me to do more, you guys are awesome!
these cookies shaped like cuddy's boobs are for you:
PS: I have vowed not to make any "Nobody puts baby in a corner" allusions. #DealWithIt.
PS2: This picspam/review/whateverthefuckthismutanthybridis is dedicated to mah lovely poocat , for metaphorically mailing me sprites while writing this, and because I promised to dedicate the last one to her and I forgot. WHOOPS.
This episode was a reall dud:
*Patient drama deserves a D
*Ducklings drama deserves a C
*Huddy/OT3/etc drama deserves a B+
Overall I'd give this episode a C+
Let's get on with the review or whatever the hell it is that I do!
Let me start off by saying this episode started like no episode of ANYTHING should ever start.
Actually, if you videotape a birth, I judge you. I judge you so hard, and I judge nothing. (except for the usage of crocks)
Why would you want to videotape a birth? what is it so special about a birth? just youtube birth and you'll get the gist, you DON'T want to see the things that happen to your vagina during a birth.
Just no. OKAY? It made me not want to have kids, in fact, I'm calling my doctor right now to schedule a histerectomy.
Now, we all know that's a lie, because I love myself too much to not pass on my flawless genes, but still.
This woman, though, did not have flawless genes, and she already had a daughter so I see no point in putting her vagina through moar suffering, you bad, bad woman.
Her daughter is holding the camera and fighting with her mom who is in the process of pushing a watermelon out of an apple-sized hole. Wow, real subtle, is this a plot point?
Now I, of course, have never been pregnant, and I know your stomach doesn't immediately deflate after having a kid, but jesus, isn't it supposed to go down a bit? I mean a fricking basketball just came out from there, I'm not asking for much, maybe a few inches.
OH HI LANE KIM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ISN'T IT PAST YOUR CURFEW? MRS. KIM IS GONNA BE VERY MAD.
OH FUCK, TOO LATE.
We are abruptly interrupted in the middle of a scene by the sound of cuddy's boobs bouncing as she walks towards house, and whispers sexily "I need you"
SEE? I CAN WRITE BETTER THAN STEPHENIE MEYER.
Inside his office other office she not so subtley asks him to babysit Rachel.
Have you learnt nothing in House 101, Cuddy? You have to ease him into these things, just like putting a fish into a new tank, you don't just dump it in!
House is actually trying to be a mature responsible doctor by saying he has a patient to take care off, but Cuddy's all like NO NO RACHEL MOAR IMPORTANT.
Cuddy's all like "I'm not bargaining sex for babysitting" BITCH PLEASE. THAT'S PROBABLY ONE OF YOUR FANTASIES. I BET YOU EVEN ROLEPLAY IT.
"OH NO, THE MEAN OLD DOCTOR BABYSAT MY KID BUT I HAVE NO MONEY TO PAY HIM. WHAT EVER COULD I DO?"
House tells Foreman he now needs to hire a doctor because apparently this is 1st grade. When's the paste eating contest starting? Oh fuck, the teacher's here, everybody act normal you guisee~
Foreman of course, didn't want to miss a chance to suck House's dick so he told him he'd already narrowed it down to idk how many candidates. We can then see him smirk at the thought of House/Cuddy having sex. Oh my.. is Foreman a.. Huddy shipper? Am I gonna have to LIKE him now? Maybe we can all agree that he's just a pervert, that will make me feel way better.
House is babysitting Rachel, and tbqh Cuddy is a really annoying mom, like forreal.
And LOL at House pretending to actually give a fuck about another human being, really Cuddy? You bought that? dayum gurl.
House's theme song should be Poker Face or sth.
(I told you not yet, get back to work house gaga)
As he is attempting (and miserably failing) to raid her vegetarian fridge, I'm starting to feel like he's up to no good. I suspect some shenanigans are coming up soon.
I want to keep talking but something super adorable just appeared on my screen and I need to squee and aww appropiately.
awwww
squeeee
d'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Also, Rachel is so lucky to have gotten all the pretty genes from Lucas Till, I mean, she looks NOTHING like her ~mother. forreal.
She actually kinda looks like her adoptive mother.
The casting guys KNOW that she's not Cuddy's biological daughter... right?
Baby is sick, Taub is short, Foreman is black, Bears shit in the woods and the Pope is Catholic.
WOAH. who is that. why is she sitting in my chair right next to chase?
Oh wait, she's House's lesson~
But why does she HAVE to be hot? she's only gonna be onscreen for like 5 minutes, srsly writers, it's getting annoying now.
And here I was thinking some top notch pussy would make him less douchey.
JOKE'S ON ME U GUYS.
Coming up next, a "Who cares less" contest between House & Wilson, clearly House wins because... I really don't need to explain this.
After that, comes a "Who cares less about caring less" contest between House & Wilson, I'm pretty confused but I think Wilson wins this round.
After that, comes a "Destroying houses" contest & Rachel definitely takes the prize.
And the prize is, a dime! She swallowed it fast so that no one could get to it, now you might think she's stupid, but she's not, she'll TOTALLY regurgitate it later, like that guy who swallows things in the Guiness or whatever..
Also, Wilson's BA BA BA is gonna give me nightmares...
Something about livers and doctor Chang. I'm so sad Lane changed her last name =(
Apparently, it's now Taub's turn to hire someone, and idk why he's even bothering, House is OBVIOUSLY going to fire her and hire someone else because while she's pretty she's definitely not young/hot enough to be on House's entourage.
House is putting all the complaining he learnt in his complaining 101 class in college to good use. BLA BLA BLA RACHEL IS AN IDIOT SHE RUINED MY LIFE. (Um, of course she's an idiot, her mother was drinking while she was pregnant (At least the first few months), and her dad seemed all kinds of stupid.)
Also, he's trying to move a coin inside somebody's body with a fridge magnet,
This is probably my favourite scene in the whole episode, Wilson has been climbing in/out of windows a lot this season, huh?
"You're telling me to do the right thing... WHILE CLIMBING OUT A WINDOW?" (ngl been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, uploaded the pics on fb, etc)
Oh honey, I don't want to use that Pot-calling-the-kettle-black-macro again, but you're pretty much the CHAMPION of not following your own advice.
I bet your grandson gave you a mug that said that.
So Justine (who is very, very hot, maybe House should look into hiring her) and her mom don't get along, that's intresting. I wonder what happened there. Oh no worries, I bet we're gonna find out soon, it's not like they are going to be completely vague about it and never finish up with the idea. They wouldn't do something like that... right?
House is waking up... in the middle of the night.. to change your daughters diaper, and you suspect nothing? HOLY HELL WOMAN WHEN DID YOU GET SO DUMB.
I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU
IKR I'M TOTALLY SIDEEYING MY MOM RN.
LOL JK GET IT CUDDY U BE HAWT.
JUSTINE WALKS IN. I BET WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT WHY SHE AND HER MOTHER DON'T GET ALONG. I CAN FEEL IT. IT'S COMING.
WELL
THAT WAS DISAPPOINTING. HER MOTHER DID NOT SHOW ENOUGH EMOTION WHILE RAISING HER?
BITCH PLEASE, SHE DIDN'T RAPE YOU.
WHO ARE YOU. TAYLOR SWIFT? GO WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT.
House & Wilson sneak Rachel into the hospital, and I'm sitting here thinking how much of a foolproof plan this is.
Like, Cuddy will NEVUH find out you guiseee.
It's not like Marina could be like OMG I CAN'T FIND RACHEL AROUND THE HOUSE, WHERE COULD SHE BE?
And even if House told Marina she could leave and he'd watch Rachel, it's not like she wouldn't mention it to Cuddy.
(we DID learn tho in 5 to 9 that Marina is quite handicapped when it comes to operating phones)
And even if Marina told Cuddy House watched Rachel, it's not like that would sound believable to anyone's ears.
Although Cuddy's been acting stupid all throughout this episode who knows.
THIS IS SO CONFUSING I WANT MY BLANKET.
MUCH BETTER THANKS HANNAH.
Really. Wilson.
REALLY?
HOLY HELL HE WASN'T LYING.
This is a surprisingly quiet toddler. She's being dragged out of her bed while she was sleeping, by 2 men she barely knows, who are now opening her jammies and spreading some gel through her tummy.
I'm pretty sure Darwin wasn't talking about her with the whole survival of the fittest thing.
NO LADY. THIS IS NOT A MIRACLE. THIS IS SCIENCE. LEARN THE MOTHERFUCKING DIFFERENCE. HOUSE DID NOT GO TO MEDSCHOOL FOR A BAZILLION YEARS TO PERFORM MIRACLES OK.
House and Wilson are now talking about shoving up a scope up Rachel's rectum. Oh this is the DEFINITION of creepy.
Really? Rachel's gonna let them do that? and be quiet? what kind of MONSTER IS SHE OMG.
(btw, I still don't get why rachel is wearing a white dress on top of her pajamas. what is this i can't even omg)
BLA BLA BLA BLA, "I WANTED THIS BABY BECAUSE I WANTED A CHANCE TO BE A SPECIAL MOM"
Hey, an Idea, JUST SAYING. HOW ABOUT YOU TRY TO BE A SPECIAL MOM TO THE KID YOU ALREADY HAVE?
SMH
All I could see in these scene were Cuddy's girls.
DID YOU SEE NIPPLE? IT ONLY COUNTS IF YOU SAW A NIPPLE.
OH THE MOM GAVE THE BABY CANCER. THAT'S OK. I'M SURE THIS HAS A HAPPY ENDING.
the mom has.. TWO CANCERS?
Oh my god. this is how I think they come up with the cases for every episode:
they have 3 dices. one of them has a disease on each side, one of them has stuff like "treats, cures, makes worse, makes better, etc" on each side, and the other one has random medication on each side.
They lost the medication dice so they had to roll the disease side twice.
that's the ONLY WAY ANYONE COULD'VE EVER COME UP WITH "CANCER TREATS CANCER"
YEAH. SURE. GO AHEAD AND RISK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIFE IN ORDER TO SAVE YOUR BABY WHO WILL MOST LIKELY BE OKAY ANYWAYS.
I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR BABY WILL NEED A MOTHER, ALTHOUGH ACCORDING TO JUSTINE NOT HAVING YOU AROUND WILL BE EXACTLY THE CHILDHOOD SHE WAS MEANT TO HAVE ANYWAYS.
UGH THIS BITCH, FORREAL. SHE HAS A BABY FOR THE MOST SELFISH REASONS EVER AND NOW SHE KILLS HERSELF FOR THE MOST SELFISH REASONS EVER.
OH NO. MOTHER DEAD.
BABY ALIVE.
MIRACLE. GODSENT, ETC, ETC.
JUSTINE PICKS UP BABY AND TELLS HER SHE'LL TELL HER ALL ABOUT THE GREAT MOTHER SHE NEVER GOT TO MEET. I'M KIND OF CONFUSED SINCE I'M SURE SHE'S MAKING UP THIS GREAT MOTHER CAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT BITCH WAS.
2 SISTERS. ALONE. IN THE WORLD.
TAUB IS JERK AND GET'S TOLD.
RACHEL POOPS DIME.
END OF LIFETIME MOVIE.
SERIOUSLY THO FORREAL WHAT THE FUCK WAS HALF OF THIS EPISODE?
JFC.
I LOVED THE RACHEL/WILSON/HOUSE PARTS THO. BUT SMH AT THE REST.