(no subject)

Feb 19, 2006 00:57

[mood|
tired]
[music| 'inaction' we are scientists]

[title] By Some Twist of Fate
[author] hott_twins_rock
[pairing] Benjoel. AU (twins but don’t know it)
[summary] Joel’s adopted and he had to change schools because of his past. Little does he know his past is in his future. -just read.
[disclaimer] I own the computer that I wrote this on, but sadly not the characters involved.
[dedication] to veggielover because it would be wrong not to *wink* and love_to_blame for reading the whole thing in a row.

part 1:
|01|02|03|04|05|
|06|07|08|09|10|
|11|12|13|14|15|
|16|17|18|19|20|
|21|22|

part 2:

|23|24|



25: Self Distruction From A Cheater's Guilty Concious

Last night I was a pussy - sitting around, feeling shitty for myself, and getting upset over Benji. He can do whatever the fuck he wants and I just have to learn to leave the past in the past. This morning I woke up refreshed and I believe it was all of the venting I had done.

“Can I borrow your car?” I ask as I leave my bedroom and head into the main room of our apartment.
“Yeah, where are you going?” Benji asks from the couch.
“Out, maybe for some drinks, I don’t know yet,” I say as I grab the keys.
“Okay, but don’t get trashed and then smash my car up,” he says.
“Thanks for the concern for my well-being,” I say as I close the door behind me.

I head down the short flight of steps and out towards Benji’s car, hitting the unlock button on the key chain before I reach the car. His car spoils me, with it’s automatic doors and windows, and air conditioning. That shit is amazing.

Around the corner from our apartment is a small strip of stores, food places and a couple of bars which I really haven’t had the chance to thoroughly explore yet because of all of the thinking that I have wasted my time on up till now.

Fuck thinking. Fuck caring. Fuck Benji, this is my life now and I just want to have some fucking fun.

So I drive down there and park Benji’s precious BMW and shove my hands into my pockets as I enter one of the various bars. It doesn’t matter to me which bar I go in because they all end up looking the same at the end of the night.

Once inside, I walk up to the bar and order a coke and drink it down quickly and leave the glass in front of me as I look around. Since I can’t get anything legally I just have to rely on my pouty face and some convincible soul to wander my way and order me a drink. So I scout out the scene and turn up my gaydar and put my ‘vibes’ out there and hope someone catches on.

And if worse comes to worse I can try to get a dude so shit faced that he forgets he’s straight. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I order another soda for the wait when I feel someone tap on my shoulder.

“Sorry, I didn’t call this afternoon, but I forgot about the plans I made with my friends tonight,” I hear and I turn to see a very drunk Jake who probably can’t tell a girl from a guy let alone me from my brother.
“That’s okay,” I say as he sits next to me, draping his arm around my back as he clutches onto my waste and presses his lips to my neck for a quick peck.

“But I’m glad you showed up though because I wanted to see you today,” he says and I only smile because I don’t think Benji and I sound the same when we talk. His mom claims we do but I think he sounds more like a mama’s boy when he talks - annunciating everything and cramming each sentence with unnecessary adjectives to sound smart.

Jake turns around to his friends and signals that he’s heading out.
“Why don’t we go back to your place?” He whispers in my ear, his heated breath sending chills down my spine when it brushes against my neck.

“Why not yours?” I ask and he shrugs and takes my hand.
“Whatever you want.”

I think it is safe to assume that Benji and him have kissed by the way he is acting, unless that is all the hard liquor that I can smell on him, but either way I hope he has no recollection of this tomorrow.

“Let’s go,” I say and he smiles and dismounts his seat, dragging me behind him as he heads for the door.

Instead of going towards the parking lot he walks towards the curb and crosses the busy street towards a bunch of small houses. I have to pull him as we approach the opposite curb because he started lagging half way across the street. He jogs up the front steps and pushes the front door open.

His house is pretty much trashed, probably from the party that Benji went to last night here and I guess him and his housemates have been too busy to sanitize since then.

“Do you want something to eat or drink?” Jake asks as he sits down on the coach, signaling that he hopes I won’t ask for anything because he is already settled.
“Nah, I’m good,” I say and I sit down next to him. “So, did you have fun last night?” I ask, naturally curious.

He smiles and rests his hand on my thigh.
“We had a good time, wouldn’t you say?”

I cannot even explain the frustration and fury that the truth has brought me. I mean not that I hadn’t had my suspicions about what had happen but his grin confirms everything. And me being an extremely jealous and spiteful person, I lean in and press my lips to Jake’s, pushing him back in the process.
*************

“Did you crash my car?” Benji asks when I walk through the door.
“My night was great, thanks. And yours?”
“Ehh, it was alright. I saw a commercial for FRIENDS Trivial Pursuit, which made me want to watch an episode, and here I am, 4 episodes later.”
“There is nothing wrong with FRIENDS marathons. They are completely healthy and recommended from time to time,” I say as I grab for his Coke that was on the table and I take a sip.
“Ya know, you could get up and just get a can for yourself,” he says.
“Yeah but why open a new can when I only want a sip.”
“Because it is my can and I don’t want your spit all up in it.”

I pick up his can again, take a sip, slosh it around in my mouth and then spit it back into the can again.
“Good idea, I should get a can for myself,” I say as I get up and head for the fridge, feeling a pillow hit my back in the process.
“You are sick you know that?” He asks as he follows me to the fridge. I hand him another Coke, feeling no guilt for spitting in his drink because it was almost done anyway.

“What do you want for dinner?” I ask and he shrugs.
“I’ve been eating shit all day so I want something good ya know? But not like pizza because seriously that is all we have eaten since we moved here.”
“First off, there is nothing wrong with pizza,” I defend, “And second, I’ll make you something good, don’t you worry.”

Skepticism coats his face, “Should I trust something you make? I mean if you spit in my soda in front of me, God knows what you’ll do to my food when I’m not looking.”
“That was a joke and I’m a good cook. So go back to your marathon and I’ll make us something.”
“Alright, but promise me no laxatives.”
“They will not be an ingredient, I promise.”
“Okay, well then, cook on,” he says as he turns back towards the couch.

I turn back to the kitchen and walk over to a cabinet and push things around until I find the lasagna noodles that I bought a few days ago. I chuck the box onto the counter and go to the fridge and pull the meat out to thaw and go to work on my famous lasagna.

I took out some lettuce and grabbed some baby carrots to chop up and put them on the counter.

“Are you sure you weren’t planning on making me dinner because I swear I didn’t buy that lettuce,” Benji says from the couch.
“No I bought it but I was planning on giving you leftovers,” I joke but he doesn’t find it funny.
“Just cook bitch.”

***************

About an hour later I had almost everything done and Benji had set the table like the good little boy he is.

I took the lasagna out of the oven and put it on the table to cool while he got the drinks.

“Isn’t this just cozy,” he says with a lisp as he sits down across from me at the small table.
“Shut up and dish out,” I say as I hand him my plate and he digs in.
“I must say bro this shit smells awesome.”
“Well, one of us had to get the cooking gene,” I say as I take the plate of food he had portioned out for me. “Thank you.”
“You got good cooking and I guess I got good looking,” he teases and I ‘accidentally’ kick him under the table.
“Can’t we just have one violence-free meal?”
“You started it.”

We sit for a few minutes, just enjoying the food and I guess each other’s company or whatever when he breaks the silence, “I don’t think you should work at Shop Rite.”
“Good, well I’m glad we agree on something.”
“No I mean in general, like that whole field of shitty jobs just to get cash. You have a talent with your drawing and I think you should pursue that.”
“Well when you find me a job like that let me know because the only ads I have seen so far that deal with drawing are caricaturists and face painters at kids parties.”
“Well I’ll ask around but I’m serious you’re better than a 9-5.”

His faith in me is something else really. No one has ever really pushed me to do anything and it is kind of what I have always wanted.

“Until then you just keep cooking okay? Because like I said there is only so much pizza I can handle.”

I laugh and we both continue to eat like we haven’t eaten in weeks.

And seriously I don’t know why I was flipping out last night so much. It was ridiculous of me, I mean look at us - we’re brothers. We tease, we poke fun, we inspire - well he inspires and pushes me to be better but I mean I’m content with what we have now.

*********************

“YOU FUCKER!” I hear Benji yell and then my brain registers the pain in my stomach and a sting on my face. I can’t see anything and I reach for my lamp and turn it on as Benji continues to yell at me and swing at any part of my body that he can connect with.

The second the lights turned on I wish I hadn’t done that because my eyes begin to burn from the glow and I am blinded again as Benji hits me.

“What the fuck is your problem?” I ask as I rub my eyes and push him off my bed.
“My problem? What is your problem?”
“My problem is being assaulted in my sleep. Now you’re turn.”

He gets up off the floor.
“I’m not playing your fucking games anymore Joel. What the fuck is wrong with you? Going over to Jake’s tonight?”

Fuck.

“How-”
“I called him and asked him what he had done today and he said that he was glad that I showed up at the bar and went back to his place. Fuck you Joel seriously. My own goddamn brother. You took advantage of him and you knew what you were doing.”

I can’t move. I can’t talk. I can’t really do anything but stare at him in shame.

“And now he thinks it was me that fucked him. He thinks that we shared that bond and all this shit and now it makes things complicated. I just can’t fathom why the hell you would do this to me? I thought I could fucking trust you but for some reason you find the need to fuck things over.”

I have heard this exact same speech before, but with different circumstances, but regardless I’m still listening to the scolding after being beaten.

And it had felt so fucking nice to get away from this all. And for some reason I can remember every single time that Kevin yelled at me while swinging at my face and the emotional pain returns, but now amplified with each layer of pain. I just can’t keep it in and I retaliate.

“You think you fucking know everything, don’t you? You think you have me all figured out? Fuck this you know nothing okay? I didn’t have sex with your boyfriend and if you can’t believe me then I’m out of here, seriously. I was there, at his apartment, and we did make out or whatever but I stopped it okay!” I yell, even though it doesn’t feel like I’m yelling at him. It’s like I’m getting all of my frustrations out that I have had to keep every time Kevin and I argued and I knew I couldn’t say something to defend myself. I’m yelling because I can.

“And I know it was wrong, okay, I fucking know it but I just can’t stop myself,” I say, my strength withering away as I continue. It’s breaking me down and I can’t hold anything in anymore. My eyes begin to sting and I right the urge to let the forming tears fall.

“I’m not a good person anymore, I’m really not.”

It’s silent for a second and like I could have predicted, he tries to erase the problem instead of fixing it.
“Look, I’m sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean for it to come out that wa-”
“No it’s the truth,” I interrupt. “When I see happiness I want to destroy it because I don’t understand it anymore. And with you especially,” I add as I wipe my eyes. “When I saw Jake at the bar and I asked him about last night he hinted that more had happened between you two and I got jealous and spiteful.”

“But you said you stopped it though, and even though you provoked it something made you stop it so obviously you do care.”

“That’s just it,” I say as I continue to sob like a baby.
“What?”

You know when you get so frustrated when you try to put yourself out there for someone and they just can’t piece it together and you just explode and let everything go? Yeah well that’s pretty much what happens.

“You made me stop. You fucking made me stop!” I shout. “Because I still care about you, and I still love you. And not the kind of love that we have been pretending since we moved here. The kind that only you and I shared back before all of this shit started and we found all about or past and it call all technical and shit.”

By now I’m damn near hysterical and I cover my hands with my face and lean back in bed. I pull the blankets up and curl into a ball and reach up for my light, switching it off and wait for him to leave me alone so I can finish my cry off and pass out. And finally his weight leaves the bed and it wasn’t relief I felt, but a wrench in my chest and I pulled my legs up tighter to my chest as I continue to ball my eyes out.

Then I sense him near me, and soon after he returns to my bed as he peals back the covers and slips in next to me. He tugs at my waist and he pulls me into his arms. I wrap myself around him as he encloses me in his arms, pulling the blankets back up and then he begins to rub my back soothingly.

But I’m too worked up and exhausted to enjoy any of it.

*************
reviews are love.



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