(no subject)
I don't even know how or where to start. I've always considered myself a writer but lately it seems that nothing comes out making any sense.
To recap, my mom and I sat down in March and talked about ferrets. She wanted them, I didn't. They smell and they take a lot of time and effort to train. They also have really sharp nails even when trimmed regularly. For those of you who don't know, I have fibromyalgia. You can look it up if you want to, but in addition to other symptoms I am extremely sensitive as far as all of my senses go. I become nauseous when I smell something like perfume or something, I cringe and my muscles lock up when I hear loud or high pitched noises, I'm sensitive to the touch, you get the idea...
So (and I'm aware that I'm skipping around....train of thought is a bitch...) most of you know that my mom brought home two ferrets while I was at the True Colors conference, even though we agreed that it was a bad idea because they take a lot of time and money. I didn't talk to her for a week afterward. She brought another ferret home for me to try and win me over, said she was mine and I could name her and all that-this would be Moxie Crimefighter. My mom brought home a deaf baby ferret last week, bringing the total to four ferrets, The baby's name is Clyde. My dad loves the little guy.
My mom came home from work tonight and told me that she wanted to know if it was alright if she gave Moxie away to some girl she works with. I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to react to this. She already agreed to give Moxie to her, telling me was just an afterthought. She says that she's overwhelmed by all of the animals, and yet she is the one who keeps bringing them home and as soon as it's time to ease up she does it by getting rid of my ferret. I'm really pissed off at my mother for this.
On the other hand, I know that my mother has been overwhelmed by the ten pets we have (Right now the count stands at 4 ferrets, 3 dogs, a parrot, a canary, and a chinchilla) but she is the one bringing it on herself. She said I need to help out more, but I do as much as I can with the animals and to be perfectly honest, I don't feel like I should have to help maintain animals that I directly stated not wanting in the first place. She said I shouldn't be mad at her because I don't even like Moxie; that's not true. I think Moxie's cool, and she's a hell of a lot smarter than the other three. She has managed to find her way out of almost every room, cage, and habitat we've put her in. The problem is that not only are her nails incredibly painful for me, making playing with her for any decent period of time damn near impossible for me, but she's a novelty. She's cool and sweet and smart, and certainly full of moxie, but I just don't get emotionally attached to animals easily. I'm not motherly, I don't enjoy having another life depend on me. Animals are like babies; fun to play with and hold for a while, and then give back to whoever they belong to. That's just who I am.
Quite frankly, my mother's been a monstrous bitch the past week or so. Her yelling is so painful, I'm on the verge of tears because of the volume and the anger. I know it's because she's exhausted and she doesn't mean it, but I can't handle it. It's making me miserable. For that reason, I told her I want her to get adopt out some of the animals if she needs to lighten the load, but I hate that she used a sneaky ploy to convert me to her point of view and then she revokes it when it no longer suits her purpose.
I'm really emotional right now about a lot of things. This is just one thing that's bothering me. Not only is my mom yelling and getting on my case a lot, but she's also back on me about my weight again. She let it slide for a while. She called me an Oompa Loompa a while ago, and she stopped once I talked to her about it. Now she's losing weight and I'm not, so she won't shut up about it. She parades around in her clothes, point out how many sizes smaller she is. I'm trying to hard to get back into shape, but more importantly to work on my body image issues but it's so fucking hard with her around sometimes. I'm too fat, I don't style my hair right, I don't know how to get it cut, I don't wear enough makeup, I wear the wrong clothes....and then she wonders why I beat myself up and wear my Type A personality comes from.
I don't know what the point is. It's not like anyone can help. No one's really around anymore, out living their lives. I feel really alone right now. I know I have friends who read this, but I don't have anyone to just up and go to the mall with me. I went today, by myself because there was no one else. I have no one to hold me, or say that everything will work itself out, and understand that when I say I just want to be left alone it's really the last thing I want most of the time.
I'm also thinking a lot about what to do after I graduate. I hate my new job with a passion and if the money wasn't so damn good I'd leave. I'm lonely and cranky and horny and PMS'y and there's too many questions with not enough answers. I know I have a year to figure it out, but it's still a lot to digest. I'm a senior in college now. I don't know whether to go for my masters right away, go and study a different language, or travel. I just know I don't want to be around here anymore. I can't, at least not for a little while. I need to know that there's more out there than this Valley. I want to go somewhere where there's not hundreds of people who think they know me. I just want to get lost for a while, make sense of things. If I'm going to feel alone, it should at least be justified. Then again, being alone is what I'm used to. It's what I'm good at. I just don't know, I just don't know...
To recap, my mom and I sat down in March and talked about ferrets. She wanted them, I didn't. They smell and they take a lot of time and effort to train. They also have really sharp nails even when trimmed regularly. For those of you who don't know, I have fibromyalgia. You can look it up if you want to, but in addition to other symptoms I am extremely sensitive as far as all of my senses go. I become nauseous when I smell something like perfume or something, I cringe and my muscles lock up when I hear loud or high pitched noises, I'm sensitive to the touch, you get the idea...
So (and I'm aware that I'm skipping around....train of thought is a bitch...) most of you know that my mom brought home two ferrets while I was at the True Colors conference, even though we agreed that it was a bad idea because they take a lot of time and money. I didn't talk to her for a week afterward. She brought another ferret home for me to try and win me over, said she was mine and I could name her and all that-this would be Moxie Crimefighter. My mom brought home a deaf baby ferret last week, bringing the total to four ferrets, The baby's name is Clyde. My dad loves the little guy.
My mom came home from work tonight and told me that she wanted to know if it was alright if she gave Moxie away to some girl she works with. I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to react to this. She already agreed to give Moxie to her, telling me was just an afterthought. She says that she's overwhelmed by all of the animals, and yet she is the one who keeps bringing them home and as soon as it's time to ease up she does it by getting rid of my ferret. I'm really pissed off at my mother for this.
On the other hand, I know that my mother has been overwhelmed by the ten pets we have (Right now the count stands at 4 ferrets, 3 dogs, a parrot, a canary, and a chinchilla) but she is the one bringing it on herself. She said I need to help out more, but I do as much as I can with the animals and to be perfectly honest, I don't feel like I should have to help maintain animals that I directly stated not wanting in the first place. She said I shouldn't be mad at her because I don't even like Moxie; that's not true. I think Moxie's cool, and she's a hell of a lot smarter than the other three. She has managed to find her way out of almost every room, cage, and habitat we've put her in. The problem is that not only are her nails incredibly painful for me, making playing with her for any decent period of time damn near impossible for me, but she's a novelty. She's cool and sweet and smart, and certainly full of moxie, but I just don't get emotionally attached to animals easily. I'm not motherly, I don't enjoy having another life depend on me. Animals are like babies; fun to play with and hold for a while, and then give back to whoever they belong to. That's just who I am.
Quite frankly, my mother's been a monstrous bitch the past week or so. Her yelling is so painful, I'm on the verge of tears because of the volume and the anger. I know it's because she's exhausted and she doesn't mean it, but I can't handle it. It's making me miserable. For that reason, I told her I want her to get adopt out some of the animals if she needs to lighten the load, but I hate that she used a sneaky ploy to convert me to her point of view and then she revokes it when it no longer suits her purpose.
I'm really emotional right now about a lot of things. This is just one thing that's bothering me. Not only is my mom yelling and getting on my case a lot, but she's also back on me about my weight again. She let it slide for a while. She called me an Oompa Loompa a while ago, and she stopped once I talked to her about it. Now she's losing weight and I'm not, so she won't shut up about it. She parades around in her clothes, point out how many sizes smaller she is. I'm trying to hard to get back into shape, but more importantly to work on my body image issues but it's so fucking hard with her around sometimes. I'm too fat, I don't style my hair right, I don't know how to get it cut, I don't wear enough makeup, I wear the wrong clothes....and then she wonders why I beat myself up and wear my Type A personality comes from.
I don't know what the point is. It's not like anyone can help. No one's really around anymore, out living their lives. I feel really alone right now. I know I have friends who read this, but I don't have anyone to just up and go to the mall with me. I went today, by myself because there was no one else. I have no one to hold me, or say that everything will work itself out, and understand that when I say I just want to be left alone it's really the last thing I want most of the time.
I'm also thinking a lot about what to do after I graduate. I hate my new job with a passion and if the money wasn't so damn good I'd leave. I'm lonely and cranky and horny and PMS'y and there's too many questions with not enough answers. I know I have a year to figure it out, but it's still a lot to digest. I'm a senior in college now. I don't know whether to go for my masters right away, go and study a different language, or travel. I just know I don't want to be around here anymore. I can't, at least not for a little while. I need to know that there's more out there than this Valley. I want to go somewhere where there's not hundreds of people who think they know me. I just want to get lost for a while, make sense of things. If I'm going to feel alone, it should at least be justified. Then again, being alone is what I'm used to. It's what I'm good at. I just don't know, I just don't know...