Initial thoughts/reactions...
As much as it hurts... I prefer brutal honesty at the expense of sensitivity. But little did I know when I picked up the phone 20 mins ago of the swift kick to the groin I was about to receive. I dreaded it and kept telling myself it couldn't and wouldn't happen. It was too strong to be conquered in my mind. But apparently she and God had other desires, rightful desires. My personal desires were not to be fulfilled. But truthfully, I don't even know what I want personally. Yeah I can say this and that and I'm sure many of you don't believe me, but the truth is just like everyone else I don't know what I want from life. Maybe this is a way, a reason for me to actually evaluate my life and where I'm going. I just went with the flow when I applied and accepted the rotc scholarship. I just thought it'd be a way for me to pay for Michigan. Seriously. But when my scholarship status was in doubt, I turned my back on the school I desired to go to for so long. I chose to be like everyone else and stay in state, not a bad consolation however, but it wasn't what I wanted. Was I supposed to come to Florida like I've felt I was? Did God really have a hand in that or was I just trying to justify to myself my choice to not pursue UM? I really don't know. I've made my share of mistakes in college and I most likely would still be doing them had I gone to Michigan. I knew from day 1 of my freshman year I was going to struggle with different peer pressures and such, especially with the ROTC people. Just because they want to become a naval officer doesn't make them any less of a party person or whatever. I was naive to think they would all be stellar and outstanding individuals who could do no wrong. I thought they'd make me look like a bad person but that never happened. They are good people no doubt, but definitely not what I expected. Anyways, I digress... I wanted to mention the Kappa Chi and Phi Lamb guys and girls who I've met who've made my desire to do God's will that much stronger. Had I gone to Michigan, I would not have had that bond and would be making those mistakes I made freshman year and have dreaded ever since. That desire was there from day 1 of classes and I wanted nothing more than to surround myself with solid Christians. I felt so alone on campus, especially with the roommates/suitemates I had. Maybe they were Christians, I don't know but I obviously could not discern if they were so they probably weren't. Had I not been a part of Kappa Chi, I wouldn't have met and looked at Trina the way I do. So once again I am unsure of what the overall purpose of coming here has been. I think the main reason I applied for the ROTC scholarship was to pay for school, not because I had a burning desire to serve my country in the military. Yeah I respected my parents for what they did and I felt betrayed by my friends who didn't stand for the pledge or didn't say it. Anyways, with what transpired tonight, I really feel like I need to evaluate what I want from life. I've just kinda gone on autopilot because that's what was required. It was all set before me and all I had to do was accomplish it. And I tell myself I'm just buying myself more time to figure out what I want from life, but in actuality, I'm not. I am actually losing time. I'm so far behind the curve on figuring out what I want to do with life. Yeah, I have outs but to tell you the truth, they don't do me much good. I think the reason for that is they aren't necessarily what I want to do. I've backed myself in a hole now and I have like a very limited time to decide how to get out of it. Is the reason I came here because I want to go in the Navy? Was it to get closer to God spiritually? Was it to find my first true best friend? Was it to find the woman I would someday marry? I don't know. I feel like I am getting closer to God so that's obviously a reason for my presence here. But the others? I'm not certain and I might never be. All these questions and no clear answer, at least not at this point.
Trina's wishes are what I want for her. I couldn't ask her to give up her heart's desires for me. That's not fair. But her reasoning has caused me to go into this evaluation mode, a mode I had been in rarely prior. And for the first time I am petrified. I don't have the luxury my brother had of falling back to our parents. I am done in a year and I will be on my own, no questions asked unless I get out of ROTC now. It's such a short time table to make a major decision like this. I really do not know if I can make it on my own.... if I can make it as a naval officer. How am I supposed to lead 18 year olds on how to keep their lives straight when I can't figure it out for myself. I believe in honesty and maybe telling them I don't have it together either is what they'll need to hear. I don't know. I don't know anything. I am so scared of life. I look at my parents and I see where my dad failed in his career. My mom was very very successful and as much as I draw comparisons to her, I feel like I'm going to fizzle out like my dad. I feel like I have been hiding my insecurity not only from the outside world but mainly from myself. I'm not the eternal optimist I thought I was, but the pessimist instead. Maybe this was what I needed to actually get my life on the right track, the successful one. As much as it pains me to say this, I really think this might be for the better. Katrina is a rare girl and maybe I'll end up being stupid for letting this go so easily (which I said I'd never do), but something inside me tells me not to fight this the way I fought earlier. Maybe this is still my initial reactions and after thinking and praying about it, God'll say fight much like He did when I decided to commit myself to this relationship. I don't know. I know I don't want to see this end, but I respect her and probably more importantly I do love her. She knows that. I never felt what I feel/felt for her before and hopefully I'll feel it again. Maybe it'll end up being her, maybe not. That's for God to decide. I can whine and complain all I want but God's not going to change His reasoning because of that. So what good is it? You know I am very very happy for the past two and half months and would not have changed a single thing. Not one thing. I'm going to miss it... a lot. I would be kidding myself to think otherwise. The sooner I am able to allow for the transition from girlfriend to friend, the easier it'll be for the both of us.
It's not easy basically being told, "right guy, wrong time" or "right guy, wrong place." That means you did everything right and when you do everything right, you're supposed to be rewarded. At least that's what society says. But life isn't about what society says but what God says. I won't be able to find a girl who is anywhere close to Trina. That's because girls like Trina are extremely rare. Plus everyone is different, comparing the next girl to her wouldn't be fair to either of them. They aren't objects, but human beings with emotions and feelings and are beyond comparison. But the qualities she possesses are hard to come by in this day and age. That is probably the hardest thing about letting her go. I just need to evaluate my life as a whole to decide what I truly want.
Trina, I know you'll read this and I know you know what my feelings for you are, as I know yours for me. Like I've said, I wouldn't change anything between you and I. Not the moments of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, anger, love, friendship, companionship. None of it. I couldn't have written the times between you and I to have been any better. I thank you very much for allowing me to be that special someone in your life, even if it was a short period of time. At this point I can only pray and hope for the best, not only for you but for me. I love you with all my heart and never will forget your smile, your kiss or your touch. You always will be that special someone to me, regardless of title. I'll always be there for you and I hope you'll be there for me as well. I'm not closing the door completely yet, not until I do my own soul searching as you have done. But I will let you know. I will be strong regardless of how this turns out, and I know you will be too. You're a strong-willed, independent woman.
Trina's wishes are what I want for her. I couldn't ask her to give up her heart's desires for me. That's not fair. But her reasoning has caused me to go into this evaluation mode, a mode I had been in rarely prior. And for the first time I am petrified. I don't have the luxury my brother had of falling back to our parents. I am done in a year and I will be on my own, no questions asked unless I get out of ROTC now. It's such a short time table to make a major decision like this. I really do not know if I can make it on my own.... if I can make it as a naval officer. How am I supposed to lead 18 year olds on how to keep their lives straight when I can't figure it out for myself. I believe in honesty and maybe telling them I don't have it together either is what they'll need to hear. I don't know. I don't know anything. I am so scared of life. I look at my parents and I see where my dad failed in his career. My mom was very very successful and as much as I draw comparisons to her, I feel like I'm going to fizzle out like my dad. I feel like I have been hiding my insecurity not only from the outside world but mainly from myself. I'm not the eternal optimist I thought I was, but the pessimist instead. Maybe this was what I needed to actually get my life on the right track, the successful one. As much as it pains me to say this, I really think this might be for the better. Katrina is a rare girl and maybe I'll end up being stupid for letting this go so easily (which I said I'd never do), but something inside me tells me not to fight this the way I fought earlier. Maybe this is still my initial reactions and after thinking and praying about it, God'll say fight much like He did when I decided to commit myself to this relationship. I don't know. I know I don't want to see this end, but I respect her and probably more importantly I do love her. She knows that. I never felt what I feel/felt for her before and hopefully I'll feel it again. Maybe it'll end up being her, maybe not. That's for God to decide. I can whine and complain all I want but God's not going to change His reasoning because of that. So what good is it? You know I am very very happy for the past two and half months and would not have changed a single thing. Not one thing. I'm going to miss it... a lot. I would be kidding myself to think otherwise. The sooner I am able to allow for the transition from girlfriend to friend, the easier it'll be for the both of us.
It's not easy basically being told, "right guy, wrong time" or "right guy, wrong place." That means you did everything right and when you do everything right, you're supposed to be rewarded. At least that's what society says. But life isn't about what society says but what God says. I won't be able to find a girl who is anywhere close to Trina. That's because girls like Trina are extremely rare. Plus everyone is different, comparing the next girl to her wouldn't be fair to either of them. They aren't objects, but human beings with emotions and feelings and are beyond comparison. But the qualities she possesses are hard to come by in this day and age. That is probably the hardest thing about letting her go. I just need to evaluate my life as a whole to decide what I truly want.
Trina, I know you'll read this and I know you know what my feelings for you are, as I know yours for me. Like I've said, I wouldn't change anything between you and I. Not the moments of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, anger, love, friendship, companionship. None of it. I couldn't have written the times between you and I to have been any better. I thank you very much for allowing me to be that special someone in your life, even if it was a short period of time. At this point I can only pray and hope for the best, not only for you but for me. I love you with all my heart and never will forget your smile, your kiss or your touch. You always will be that special someone to me, regardless of title. I'll always be there for you and I hope you'll be there for me as well. I'm not closing the door completely yet, not until I do my own soul searching as you have done. But I will let you know. I will be strong regardless of how this turns out, and I know you will be too. You're a strong-willed, independent woman.