Here You go...
You know what Ben. I’m fucking tired of this Bullshit game you have been playing with me. I’M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. I’m going to tell you how I really feel. This is response to everything you have said to me lately, The letter, the voicemail, and the text. I’m sorry that chase said those things to you. when I listened to the voicemail, I had no fucking idea what you were talking about, so I went on LJ and looked. I’m sorry that he said those things, I had no idea, and I can’t control what he does, I’m not like you, I don’t try to control the actions of others, so why the fuck do you think you can say “thanks Cait” to me for that. I had nothing to fucking do with that. So don’t even fucking try that. You don’t even know chase. And he doesn’t know you. so neither of you should be talking. Its just making the situation worse. But Chase has been helping me a lot more through this than you have through most of my trials. He has been there for me. You tried to be there for me. But a lot of the time, somehow you just made things worse. I’ve told you things about me that no one else knows, and now I’m regretting telling you those things.
Why do you think it is that you don’t have a fucking shoulder here to cry on?!?! Huh?! Could it be that you were a fucking idiot all the time and pushed the people that loved you away?! Hmm. It’s not OUR fault that YOU fucking screwed up. But that’s what your good at, taking the people that love you, and turning them against you. You fucking did that. NOT US. So don’t say, “thanks cait” to that either.
You say you’ve tried to leave me alone!? NO YOU HAVEN’T!!! You have called me so many fucking times, and just left random voicemails like “hey cait, its ben, just wanting to talk, guess you don’t wanna (no fuck Sherlock) its such a pretty day. Have a good day. Bye” that is not leaving me alone!!! That’s not staying out of my life. That is trying to act like nothing has fucking changed, well its not like the “good old days” I’m sorry that its fucking hard for me to talk to you, or to see you, or to smell something that smells like you!! IM FUCKING SORRY THAT I AM THE WAY I AM! I CAN’T HELP IT!!! I’m sorry that like most people I need a little bit of fucking time to heal before things can go back to the way they were. Being friends!!! I WANT THAT. When the fuck did I say I didn’t?! I still love you, that has not changed. I do wonder why I still love you though. Because thus far I think you are a Hypocritical Chauvinistic asshole. But I do. I still love you so much, and that why it hurts me. My friends aren’t the only ones that are messed up. You know what’s messed up?! YOU BLAMING ME FOR THINGS THAT MY FRIENDS DO! That’s fucking messed up!! Oh, and you just left me yet another voicemail… *listens to voicemail* wow, its different than the last one… in the last one you were yelling at me for things that I didn’t even fucking do, and in this one, your almost crying telling me that its too hard. That you just can’t do it anymore. SAD! You don’t think that all the things that you just said in that voicemail are things that I haven’t been feeling too?! Yah, its hard for you because you have to go through my friends to get to me. yah its hard for me because no one wants ME to talk to YOU. my parents flip out if I even like mention you. I say the name Ben at all, maybe not even meaning you, and suddenly you are the topic of conversation. IT SUCKS! I know, I have to go through everyone else if I want to talk to YOU. you don’t think that I haven’t been trying to make you see those things?!?! I have been. But you don’t seem to listen.
I know that all you have been doing is saying that you hope chase makes me happy. That you hope we are good together, wishing us the best. And I sincerely thanked you the last time you said that. And I still do. Thank you for that, because I know its hard for you to say.
I never fucking said I wanted you to leave me alone for the rest of my fucking life. I said I needed a little bit of time before things could go to us being friends without the awkwardness of me just wanting to be held in your arms, or wanting to kiss you. its still way fucking awkward for me.
You said that you never wanted to hurt me, and that’s why you did the things you did. Well, in doing what you did to never hurt me, you suffocated me, you didn’t let me live my own life and make my own mistakes, which in return hurt me!!! As much as you want to, you can’t be around the people you love 24/7. I’m sorry to say that I have many portions of my life that didn’t include you. and when you tried to make them include you, it just pissed me off. And I would try to tell you, but you never listened to me. I mean you listened, but you never TRULY LISTENED.
You also said thank you for not taking you off of my LJ friends list. I only kept you on there because I wanted to be friends still. Maybe not right away, but eventually, I didn’t leave you on there so you could try to ACT like nothing happened, to read what I’m feeling and get mad when I say that I wanted to die when I saw you. I didn’t leave you on there to make you feel bad or rub anything in your face. I’m not going to change what I might write on my LJ just because of the odd chance that you might read it. If I cared who read it, I would take you off my friends list. I’m not one to censor what I say around certain people, but if you knew me at all you would already know most of this.
“Someday you’re going to realize how much Bullshit your High school friends put into your head, and when you do there’s gonna be a lot of things that just click… HARD. And maybe then you’ll understand why I acted the way I did.” Quoting you from your voicemail. Well I’m not you, and I hope to god that I never will be. But you know what, I’m not out of high school, I KNOW I still have a lot to learn, but if you hadn’t noticed, I’m stubborn, and I admit it… I like to learn things the hard way… makes me a stronger person. I wouldn’t trade any of my trials for all the happiness in the world!!! So I haven’t realized a lot of things. But ya know. Even people who aren’t in high school don’t understand why you act the way you do. So I think that is just you trying to defend yourself for doing what you did.
You say you still love me. But yet you also say that I’m hard to be with, that you don’t understand me. Well I don’t understand you MOST of the time. And if I’m such a hard person to be with and be around according to you, then why the fuck do you still love me?! I know I’m a fucked up kid. But if I’m so fucked up beyond belief then why did/do you want to be with me?! Huh?! Answer me that?! why don’t you just leave me to go find someone just as fucked up as me to be with, because apparently with the way you act, you’re better than me and my friends.
Oh and by the way, no you cant have them back.
I didn’t want to end up saying this, but I guess I have to. I don’t want to talk to you, you said we might have to occasional run in at Wal*Mart or something… well I don’t eve want that. You are making this WAY WAY WAY more difficult than it has to be, so I’m doing what has to be done. I don’t even want to talk to you, see you, smell you, hear you. nothing. I’m tired of you blaming us for all the trouble you are in right now. Just stop it. I’m tired of you degrading me. I’m tired of feeling like nothing all the time because of you. I get enough shit from my family, I get belittled, yelled at, screamed at, and blamed enough at home, and I don’t need it from you. and I am going to have fun with my life. I wanted you to leave Badly, it was hard enough when you didn’t leave the first time you were supposed to and Even though you haven’t left, I’m going to pretend that you did. And maybe without you, I can actually have a life.
Why do you think it is that you don’t have a fucking shoulder here to cry on?!?! Huh?! Could it be that you were a fucking idiot all the time and pushed the people that loved you away?! Hmm. It’s not OUR fault that YOU fucking screwed up. But that’s what your good at, taking the people that love you, and turning them against you. You fucking did that. NOT US. So don’t say, “thanks cait” to that either.
You say you’ve tried to leave me alone!? NO YOU HAVEN’T!!! You have called me so many fucking times, and just left random voicemails like “hey cait, its ben, just wanting to talk, guess you don’t wanna (no fuck Sherlock) its such a pretty day. Have a good day. Bye” that is not leaving me alone!!! That’s not staying out of my life. That is trying to act like nothing has fucking changed, well its not like the “good old days” I’m sorry that its fucking hard for me to talk to you, or to see you, or to smell something that smells like you!! IM FUCKING SORRY THAT I AM THE WAY I AM! I CAN’T HELP IT!!! I’m sorry that like most people I need a little bit of fucking time to heal before things can go back to the way they were. Being friends!!! I WANT THAT. When the fuck did I say I didn’t?! I still love you, that has not changed. I do wonder why I still love you though. Because thus far I think you are a Hypocritical Chauvinistic asshole. But I do. I still love you so much, and that why it hurts me. My friends aren’t the only ones that are messed up. You know what’s messed up?! YOU BLAMING ME FOR THINGS THAT MY FRIENDS DO! That’s fucking messed up!! Oh, and you just left me yet another voicemail… *listens to voicemail* wow, its different than the last one… in the last one you were yelling at me for things that I didn’t even fucking do, and in this one, your almost crying telling me that its too hard. That you just can’t do it anymore. SAD! You don’t think that all the things that you just said in that voicemail are things that I haven’t been feeling too?! Yah, its hard for you because you have to go through my friends to get to me. yah its hard for me because no one wants ME to talk to YOU. my parents flip out if I even like mention you. I say the name Ben at all, maybe not even meaning you, and suddenly you are the topic of conversation. IT SUCKS! I know, I have to go through everyone else if I want to talk to YOU. you don’t think that I haven’t been trying to make you see those things?!?! I have been. But you don’t seem to listen.
I know that all you have been doing is saying that you hope chase makes me happy. That you hope we are good together, wishing us the best. And I sincerely thanked you the last time you said that. And I still do. Thank you for that, because I know its hard for you to say.
I never fucking said I wanted you to leave me alone for the rest of my fucking life. I said I needed a little bit of time before things could go to us being friends without the awkwardness of me just wanting to be held in your arms, or wanting to kiss you. its still way fucking awkward for me.
You said that you never wanted to hurt me, and that’s why you did the things you did. Well, in doing what you did to never hurt me, you suffocated me, you didn’t let me live my own life and make my own mistakes, which in return hurt me!!! As much as you want to, you can’t be around the people you love 24/7. I’m sorry to say that I have many portions of my life that didn’t include you. and when you tried to make them include you, it just pissed me off. And I would try to tell you, but you never listened to me. I mean you listened, but you never TRULY LISTENED.
You also said thank you for not taking you off of my LJ friends list. I only kept you on there because I wanted to be friends still. Maybe not right away, but eventually, I didn’t leave you on there so you could try to ACT like nothing happened, to read what I’m feeling and get mad when I say that I wanted to die when I saw you. I didn’t leave you on there to make you feel bad or rub anything in your face. I’m not going to change what I might write on my LJ just because of the odd chance that you might read it. If I cared who read it, I would take you off my friends list. I’m not one to censor what I say around certain people, but if you knew me at all you would already know most of this.
“Someday you’re going to realize how much Bullshit your High school friends put into your head, and when you do there’s gonna be a lot of things that just click… HARD. And maybe then you’ll understand why I acted the way I did.” Quoting you from your voicemail. Well I’m not you, and I hope to god that I never will be. But you know what, I’m not out of high school, I KNOW I still have a lot to learn, but if you hadn’t noticed, I’m stubborn, and I admit it… I like to learn things the hard way… makes me a stronger person. I wouldn’t trade any of my trials for all the happiness in the world!!! So I haven’t realized a lot of things. But ya know. Even people who aren’t in high school don’t understand why you act the way you do. So I think that is just you trying to defend yourself for doing what you did.
You say you still love me. But yet you also say that I’m hard to be with, that you don’t understand me. Well I don’t understand you MOST of the time. And if I’m such a hard person to be with and be around according to you, then why the fuck do you still love me?! I know I’m a fucked up kid. But if I’m so fucked up beyond belief then why did/do you want to be with me?! Huh?! Answer me that?! why don’t you just leave me to go find someone just as fucked up as me to be with, because apparently with the way you act, you’re better than me and my friends.
Oh and by the way, no you cant have them back.
I didn’t want to end up saying this, but I guess I have to. I don’t want to talk to you, you said we might have to occasional run in at Wal*Mart or something… well I don’t eve want that. You are making this WAY WAY WAY more difficult than it has to be, so I’m doing what has to be done. I don’t even want to talk to you, see you, smell you, hear you. nothing. I’m tired of you blaming us for all the trouble you are in right now. Just stop it. I’m tired of you degrading me. I’m tired of feeling like nothing all the time because of you. I get enough shit from my family, I get belittled, yelled at, screamed at, and blamed enough at home, and I don’t need it from you. and I am going to have fun with my life. I wanted you to leave Badly, it was hard enough when you didn’t leave the first time you were supposed to and Even though you haven’t left, I’m going to pretend that you did. And maybe without you, I can actually have a life.