(no subject)
i am in the most wonderful city on earth and i fell in love... why does it hurt so fucking much. i hate what i allowed drugs to do to my relationship. fuck heroin and opium. they suck and they destroyed the man i fell in love with. he does not even care. some moments in life are just too beautiful that i cant be sad. i bought a bottle of vodka and just sat in the middle of union square chain smoking and just listening to this old black man play his keyboard. hundreds of people walked by me durning those 2 hours of getting drunk but i did not care. i sat on that sidewalk and just enjoyed all the beauty i was surrounded by. i love san francisco. after those 2 hours i came to the conclusion that i was all alone and drunk 30 mins from home with 5$ and i had just broke up with my boyfriend. it should have made me scared but insead i gave the rest of my vodka to some guy on the corner and bought my self 2 roses and then stumbled to the bus stop and finally made it home. it was such a weird experience. i hate how unstable my life is. i guess at 18 nothing can be stable it's so hard trying to grow up... im not ready yet. is anybody ever ready to become and adult though? i doubt it. im still trying to figure out my opinons about everything. im still trying to realize what i really want to do with my life. i dont know what i want to live for or what i want to aspire to be. college is a lot harder then i thought it would be once i stopped tripping on acid.
part of me feels so lucky. im living on my own in san francisco. i go to bars and have random hot old guys buy me drinks and dance with me. i fell in love and had the most wonderful experience. i made out with my boyfriend on peir 5 and 39 as the sun was setting. i should feel lucky to just have tasted all the love and bliss that i felt for what seemed like such a long time. at times i realize happieness is a decion that i have to make and its not worth it to ever be sad. i just say fuck it all im gonna be happy cuz i have to be happy in order to focus and get all my shit done.
the other part of me is so sad and not ready for all that im facing. i just want to go home and have my mom hug me and take me shopping. im so sad that i ever let my life get this bad. i never wanted to be one of these people. i never wanted to be that drunk person on the sidewalk dancing with homeless people to this really old keyboard player.
im so confussed and i know this does not make any sence at all i dont even understand what im saying. wow im pretty fucked up ima pass out it has been a hella long night
part of me feels so lucky. im living on my own in san francisco. i go to bars and have random hot old guys buy me drinks and dance with me. i fell in love and had the most wonderful experience. i made out with my boyfriend on peir 5 and 39 as the sun was setting. i should feel lucky to just have tasted all the love and bliss that i felt for what seemed like such a long time. at times i realize happieness is a decion that i have to make and its not worth it to ever be sad. i just say fuck it all im gonna be happy cuz i have to be happy in order to focus and get all my shit done.
the other part of me is so sad and not ready for all that im facing. i just want to go home and have my mom hug me and take me shopping. im so sad that i ever let my life get this bad. i never wanted to be one of these people. i never wanted to be that drunk person on the sidewalk dancing with homeless people to this really old keyboard player.
im so confussed and i know this does not make any sence at all i dont even understand what im saying. wow im pretty fucked up ima pass out it has been a hella long night