Should I... or shouldn't I?
A couple of weeks ago, a friend on Facebook sent me a link (http://suicidegirls.com) and told me that I should apply because I'd be, as he put it, "a shoe-in." I've been thinking about it (albeit sporadically) ever since.
I visited the site, because I only had a vague idea of what it was before I received the link. I read the requirements, fine print, etc. of the application process. And, as previously stated, I've been thinking of it since then.
Firstly, I'm flattered that someone thinks I'm attractive enough to be on this type of website. Plus, I could get paid for doing it. It would certainly grant me some exposure, and performer/artist types like me need to do things to generate publicity for themselves. Plus, it would give me a chance to do something visually artistic that isn't video, and I haven't done that in a while.
The main reservations I have about doing it are mostly internal and trivial, and many of them revolve around having to be naked. Firstly, I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable enough with my body to pose for photographs - especially ones of this sort. I'm the type who got called "ugly" a lot (I mean a LOT; however, I was what you'd call an "awkward" child) when I was younger; consequentially, I didn't grow up with a positive view of my appearance. Over time, though, I've accepted that my appearance, while nothing exceptional, certainly isn't hideous - a fact I especially can't deny considering I'm currently in a relationship with two people. But, I still have trouble perceiving myself as an object of desire. It makes me feel funny inside, in a way I don't like, and can't adequately explain.
My other issues with nudity are strictly byproducts of my Catholic upbringing. I was heavily indoctrinated into their thinking (my friend Brandie summarizes it very well, and I'll paraphrase here: "People don't understand; when you're raised Catholic, it's like it's a part of you forever.") and as such, wrestle with various psychological maladies such as irrational guilt, difficulty expressing my sexuality, various gender issues and fear of Almighty God's Divine Wrath. I'm not a Catholic any more; I'm not even a Christian (although I do have admiration for the historical figure of Christ. Most of the stuff he said is really enlightened and wise), but I still have the internal wiring of a Catholic. It's been a long process to undo.
I'm not so concerned about being naked on the Internet, or what people think about that. The site is tasteful, and I would have full control over the images I submit to them. I don't think any of my friends would really care or judge me about it, and anyone else's opinions are utterly irrelevant to me. So, when I remove the irrational Catholic stuff from the equation, I can't think of many reasons not to apply, except for my hang-ups about my appearance, which diminish a little every day - especially when this eating healthy-exercising regularly-being happy lifestyle I've been doing lately seems to agree with me, physically.
So, I'm thinking I might do it in a few months, after I do some more work (internally and externally) on myself. I can't think of a good reason not to... but maybe you all can. ;)
I visited the site, because I only had a vague idea of what it was before I received the link. I read the requirements, fine print, etc. of the application process. And, as previously stated, I've been thinking of it since then.
Firstly, I'm flattered that someone thinks I'm attractive enough to be on this type of website. Plus, I could get paid for doing it. It would certainly grant me some exposure, and performer/artist types like me need to do things to generate publicity for themselves. Plus, it would give me a chance to do something visually artistic that isn't video, and I haven't done that in a while.
The main reservations I have about doing it are mostly internal and trivial, and many of them revolve around having to be naked. Firstly, I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable enough with my body to pose for photographs - especially ones of this sort. I'm the type who got called "ugly" a lot (I mean a LOT; however, I was what you'd call an "awkward" child) when I was younger; consequentially, I didn't grow up with a positive view of my appearance. Over time, though, I've accepted that my appearance, while nothing exceptional, certainly isn't hideous - a fact I especially can't deny considering I'm currently in a relationship with two people. But, I still have trouble perceiving myself as an object of desire. It makes me feel funny inside, in a way I don't like, and can't adequately explain.
My other issues with nudity are strictly byproducts of my Catholic upbringing. I was heavily indoctrinated into their thinking (my friend Brandie summarizes it very well, and I'll paraphrase here: "People don't understand; when you're raised Catholic, it's like it's a part of you forever.") and as such, wrestle with various psychological maladies such as irrational guilt, difficulty expressing my sexuality, various gender issues and fear of Almighty God's Divine Wrath. I'm not a Catholic any more; I'm not even a Christian (although I do have admiration for the historical figure of Christ. Most of the stuff he said is really enlightened and wise), but I still have the internal wiring of a Catholic. It's been a long process to undo.
I'm not so concerned about being naked on the Internet, or what people think about that. The site is tasteful, and I would have full control over the images I submit to them. I don't think any of my friends would really care or judge me about it, and anyone else's opinions are utterly irrelevant to me. So, when I remove the irrational Catholic stuff from the equation, I can't think of many reasons not to apply, except for my hang-ups about my appearance, which diminish a little every day - especially when this eating healthy-exercising regularly-being happy lifestyle I've been doing lately seems to agree with me, physically.
So, I'm thinking I might do it in a few months, after I do some more work (internally and externally) on myself. I can't think of a good reason not to... but maybe you all can. ;)