craaazy
Title: Scratches
Author: hotfruits
Rating: R
Words: 8198
Characters: Hikaru-centric. hikanoo. some of kisumai.
Disclaimer: Don't own.
Summary: AU. Speechless, and broken down, Hikaru is admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
written for crazy_otaku911
;_________________; i hope you like this
and thank you to littlemelonblue and dreamweavernyx.
Falling to the ground, he screams as he tears at his arms, his chewed nails cutting into his skin and making him bleed. He cries, broken-hearted and frustrated sobs, and begins clawing away at his face.
“Hikaru,” a hand shakes him awake and he frowns, looking over his shoulder to see the nurse smiling down at him. “It’s time for your medication, Hikaru,” she sets the small cup of pills onto the table, along with a cup of water. After that she leaves, and Hikaru sits up, grabbing the cup of pills.
He picks up the red one first, a standard muscle relaxer, and pops the pill into his mouth. Swallowing it down, he grabs the white one next, which treats his frequent headaches. He takes that too, and last, he grabs the green pill, sighing. This one treats his ‘episodes’, keeps him from scratching and sobbing and falling apart. He takes it, grabs the cup of water and washes it all down.
Hikaru sighs and lays back down in bed, pulling the blankets over his head. His counseling session with the doctor wasn’t for another hour, and so he closes his eyes, pushing away his thoughts on pills and craziness and nightmares, and just concentrates on breathing, willing himself to sleep.
He cried, shaking as he wrapped his arms around himself, curled up into a fetal position in the corner. He rocked himself back and forth, eyeing the broken shaving razor on his floor, and the droplets of blood that connected him to it.
“Hikaru,” the psychologist, Doctor Yamashita, leans onto his desk with his hands clasped together, “How are you feeling today?”
Hikaru blinks, looking at Yamashita in boredom.
“Still not talking, I see,” Yamashita responds, clicking his pen and writing down in his folder. “It’s been nearly two months, Hikaru,” he says after a moment, setting the pen and re-clasping his hands, “You haven’t made any improvement in counseling.”
Hikaru looks away, reading the titles on the book shelf in the far right corner of the room. He can hear the pen clicking again, and Yamashita writes down some more notes. He curiously wonders what they say, but it’s probably just Yamashita’s thoughts on him, and he can already guess those.
“Despite your lack of improvement, you are the most well-behaved resident in your wing,” Hikaru looks back, his brow slightly raised, “I’m giving you outside privileges, just once a week on Saturdays. No one else in your wing has this, so you’ll be joining another group,” Yamashita smiles at him, his glasses perched low on his nose, “Use the time to make friends, okay?”
Hikaru blinks, and Yamashita smiles, asking him if he likes the new art teacher.
He doesn’t respond, just looks away, listening to Yamashita talk as he scans the bookshelf once more.
He sits down at dinner that evening with the boy who lives across the hall from him. He’s the quiet type as well, doesn’t talk to anyone except his friend Miyata, and Hikaru.
“Miyacchi and I designed a pot together in art class,” Yuta mumbles, and Hikaru has to strain to hear him, “It’s a small pot, but I like it. We painted it purple and yellow, because those are our favorite colors.”
Hikaru nods, and Yuta smiles, taking a bite of his salad.
Before Hikaru crawls into bed that night, he looks at the calendar on his wall and marks another day, putting a large, black X through the box. Re-capping the pen, he puts it back on his nightstand and crawls into bed, bringing the blankets over his face.
He begins to count to a hundred, falling asleep somewhere around sixty-seven.
He hides under his blankets, hands shaking as he covers his eyes, counting backwards. He gets to thirty-three when he feels the blankets being ripped away from him, and he screams.
Hikaru takes his three pills before making his way out into the hallway. He sees Yuta waiting for him, the back of his hair sticking up and Hikaru smiles, joining the older boy. Together, they make their way into the cafeteria and, after grabbing their food, make their way towards an empty table, Hikaru sitting down on one side of the bench and Yuta at the other, sitting close to Miyata.
Hikaru watches as Yuta talks quietly with Miyata, a small blush spreading across his cheeks when Miyata discreetly grabs his hand and brings it under the table, giving Yuta a warm smile. It makes Hikaru happy to see them like this, especially Yuta.
“Hikaru,” he focuses his attention back on Yuta as the boy softly calls his name, “Do you want to come to art class with Miyacchi and I today? You can see our pot then,” he smiles, and Hikaru quickly nods, excited.
This is the healthiest he’s seen Yuta since he came here, and he knows a lot of it is due to Miyata’s influence. He never wants to see Yuta without a smile again, sobbing into his hands after seeing his reflection in a mirror, window, anything that can reflect back and show Yuta what isn’t really there.
“Here it is,” Miyata grins toothily and hands Yuta the pot, who shows it to Hikaru with a proud smile.
“What do you think?” Yuta asks, and Hikaru nods, showing his approval. Yuta beams at this and looks back towards Miyata, who puts a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze.
Hikaru keeps his eye on the tiny pot, the edges of the purple and yellow paint running together, kind of like Yuta and Miyata themselves.
He hopes this lasts forever, but knows it won’t.
Nothing ever does, especially in a place like this.
Days pass as they always do, in a blur of different colored pills, nightmares and one-sided conversations. Saturday rolls around and he finds it amusing when Yuta asks a nurse if he can borrow her scarf. She agrees, continuing on her way and Yuta wraps the scarf around Hikaru’s neck.
“It’s cold outside, and I don’t want you to get sick,” Yuta says, adjusting the scarf so that it hangs even. “Have fun, and if you can, bring me back a leaf?” Yuta frowns, “I haven’t been outside in six weeks.”
Hikaru nods, and Yuta ushers him away, waving to him as he leaves the hallway. He walks past the cafeteria and towards the nurses’ station, where the group that goes outside gathers. He looks at the people he’s never seen before, watching a few of them chatting animatedly and a few of them, like him, standing in silence.
“Hikaru?” a nurse asks from behind him and he turns around, nodding. “Oh, good. Did Yamashita-san talk to you about going outside, especially the rules?” Another nod, “Good, good, and you know about this group right?” the nurse lowers her voice as she says this, and he nods again. Yamashita informed him that the group that met up at this time had various degrees of schizophrenia, or other psychological disorders. Yamashita still encouraged him to make friends though, which seemed really odd to him. Then again, maybe being friends with someone crazier than himself would make him feel better.
“Good, so if you have any concerns or feel unsafe at anytime, just find one of us nurses and we’ll take care of you,” she smiles, before going towards the front of the group, ushering them down the hall and Hikaru follows, nervous but excited.
They make it outside, and Hikaru takes a deep breath, shivering. It’s good though, very good, and he breaks away from the main group and walks over towards a wilting tree. Hearing the leaves crunch under his feet, Hikaru sits down on the ground and grabs some leaves, stuffing them into his pockets.
“What are you doing?” an unfamiliar voice asks from behind him, and Hikaru sits up straighter, his shoulders tense. “Don’t worry,” the boy comes into Hikaru’s line of vision and sits down in front of him, “I don’t bite,” he says, grinning with his arms crossed in front of him.
Hikaru looks down at the leaves and away from the boy, who has straight black hair and pale skin. He remains quiet, as always, and hopes that the boy will leave him alone. Time ticks by, and yet the boy is still there, and Hikaru can feel his eyes boring into him.
“I’m Inoo Kei,” the boy says eventually, “And you’re one of the quiet ones, aren’t you?”
Hikaru nods, and Inoo chuckles, using his hands to scoot closer and Hikaru flinches, uneasy. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you,” Inoo says again, “But those other guys might,” he points ahead, where the nurses are carefully monitoring the other boys. “See that short boy there? That’s Kitayama, he’s a schizo and thinks everyone is trying to kill him.”
Hikaru’s eyes widen, and he shrinks back, inadvertently pressing himself closer to Inoo. “It’s okay, I won’t let him hurt you,” Inoo pats his shoulder, “The boy next to Kitayama, that’s Fujigaya, or Taipi as we call him. He’s got anti-social disorder,” Inoo pauses, looking back at Hikaru, “Try to avoid him if you can.”
Hikaru swallows, and then nods, and Inoo is back to grinning at him.
“So, how long have you been here Hikaru?” he asks, and Hikaru holds up two fingers, “Oh, two months? That’s not too bad, I’ve been here for five myself.”
Hikaru raises a brow, and wonders if Inoo will catch his silent question. To his surprise, he does, “What’s my problem? Well, I’m a schizo of course,” Inoo shrugs, as if it’s not a big deal, and Hikaru thinks that maybe it’s not. Inoo is definitely the most well-mannered schizophrenic he’s ever seen.
“What about you?” Inoo asks, and Hikaru pauses, looking into Inoo’s eyes. He’s never shown anyone why he’s here, besides the nurses and Yamashita of course, who saw them when he was first admitted. He’s never even shown Yuta, his only friend at this place and yet, much to his surprise, he begins to roll up his sleeve. When he’s finished, he watches as Inoo’s eyes scan his arm, his fingers reaching out and touching the scars there, trailing over the thin lines and raised blotches. He keeps his right arm to himself, not ready to show anyone what lies there but it’s okay, Inoo is far too distracted by the left to even ask.
Inoo’s fingers settle on an old burn mark, the skin there permanently marred, “Why?” he simply asks, looking back into Hikaru’s eyes.
Hikaru’s silent, as always, but when Inoo nods and looks away, he wonders if the boy was somehow able to read his thoughts.
“How did it go today?” Yuta asks him at dinner, one hand scooping rice into his mouth and the other under the table, holding Miyata’s. Hikaru smiles, and reaches into his pocket, sliding one of the yellow leaves across the table. Yuta beams and grabs it, admiring the fragile leaf. “Thank you,” he says, and Hikaru nods, satisfied that he brought some happiness into Yuta’s life.
“I’m so jealous,” Miyata chuckles, looking at the leaf in Yuta’s hand, “Maybe if I start getting better, they’ll let me outside too.”
Yuta turns to Miyata and gives a smile, one that is filled with warmth and love.
Hikaru is happy for them, but can’t help and want something like that for himself.
He thrashes on the floor, trying to fight off the strong hands that hold him down.
He can’t, and he cries, screaming in pain.
Hikaru wakes up that morning with tears on his cheeks, and sighs, swallowing down his pills, first the red, then the white, and last the green. He washes it all down with water and leaves his room, making his way to the cafeteria alone. He looks for Yuta and Miyata, but doesn’t see them there, and so he grabs a breakfast plate and eats alone.
Until Inoo sits down beside him.
“Hey,” Inoo greets him with a grin, “How is it possible that this is my first time seeing you in the cafeteria?”
Hikaru shrugs, thinking that Inoo probably has seen him before, just didn’t know it was him until yesterday.
“Eh, either way,” Inoo reaches over and grabs a piece of toast, biting into it. Hikaru looks over at him and raises a brow, “Sorry,” Inoo says through a mouthful of food, “My friend Senga stole my food today, so I’m starving.”
Hikaru blinks, and then pushes his plate closer to Inoo’s, a silent offering to take more food. Inoo does, grabbing the other piece of toast and shoving it into his mouth.
Hikaru grins, and almost finds himself laughing, something he hasn’t done since he was thrown into this place.
There’s something special about Inoo, Hikaru can already tell, just like how there was something special about Yuta, that attracted him to the older boy and made him want to be friends with him.
He wonders about Inoo, and how things will turn out with him.
He walks past the art room during free time, and peeks inside, seeing Yuta and Miyata at the pottery wheel. They’re building another pot together, laughing and Hikaru grins, walking away. He walks past the game room next, seeing the boys Inoo had pointed out to him when they were outside, and leaves, a little scared. He finds himself ending up in the music room, a quiet piano medley attracting him. He enters, and then does a double take, surprised to see Inoo at the piano, the one who is creating the beautiful music.
He walks over and sits beside him, watching Inoo’s slim fingers hitting the black and white keys delicately. It’s beautiful, the song, and then Hikaru pauses, looking up at Inoo.
He’s beautiful too, he decides, and continues to watch Inoo play, a soft smile on his face.
“So, how are you doing Hikaru?” Yamashita asks as he leans back into the chair, yawning. He’s exhausted, has been for days now, due to the increase of nightmares that wake him up and leave him too scared to fall back asleep. “Tired, I see,” Yamashita writes in his folder, “I’m gonna have the nurses start giving you a sleeping-aid, that should help you get through the night.”
Hikaru nods, silently showing his appreciation. He doesn’t like the number of pills he has to take, but he knows he needs them.
“I heard from nurse Kato that you woke up screaming a few nights, and were scratching at your arms. Do you want to talk about it?” Yamashita asks, and like always, Hikaru shakes his head. “Okay, how about your first trip outside. Nurse Masuda told me you made a friend with,” Yamashita looks down at his notes, “Inoo Kei.”
Hikaru nods, and Yamashita opens up a cabinet in his desk, reaching in and pulling out another folder. He opens it up and begins to skim through it, “Oh, Kei, yes. He’s a nice boy, very talented at the piano. Have you heard him play?” Hikaru nods, and Yamashita continues, “That’s great, I’m happy to see that you’re making new friends.”
Hikaru nods, smiling. He’s happy too, even though he’s still here and still broken inside, being controlled by pills and nightmares and ugly scars. He has hope though, something he hasn’t felt in awhile, hope given to him by Yuta and his quiet relationship with Miyata, and now by Inoo, who touches his scars through the material of his sleeves with gentle fingers, like the ones he used while playing the piano.
He still wonders what kind of role Inoo will play in his life.
It’s Saturday again, and Hikaru follows Inoo as they quietly walk towards the tree, leaves crunching under their feet as they go, hands in his pockets as he shivers. Inoo looks back at him and stops, wrapping an arm around Hikaru’s shoulders. “You should have layered up,” Inoo grins, and Hikaru’s face feels warm as he blushes.
He shrugs in response, and they continue to walk, but are interrupted by Fujigaya calling Inoo’s name. Hikaru flinches and grabs Inoo’s shirt, eyes wide as the short male approaches them with a glare.
“What are you doing Inoo?” Fujigaya asks, and Hikaru looks away from the man’s glare, burying his face in Inoo’s shoulder. He’s absolutely terrified right now, shaking as Fujigaya speaks to them in a low voice. It’s all too familiar, and he begins crying, feeling his skin itch under his sleeves.
“Leave us alone Taipi, sheesh,” Inoo interrupts the other, his tone casual.
Fujigaya snorts, “Whatever, freaks,” he says before walking away, and when he’s gone Hikaru can feel Inoo pushing him away, looking at him in concern.
“What’s wrong?” he immediately asks, placing a gentle hand on Hikaru’s cheek, “Hey, it’s okay, Taipi is gone now, you don’t have to be scared.”
Hikaru shakes his head, the tears falling faster now and he launches himself back into Inoo’s arms, sobbing as he clings to the other boy. Inoo holds him close, rubbing his back and whispering words of comfort into his year.
A moment later and he can hear footsteps running towards them, and then a nurse is pulling him away from Inoo. He begins to cry harder as they drag him up the path, his eyes never leaving Inoo’s as the boy stares at him, his expression hopeless.
Hikaru is flopped onto his bed, his eyes glazed over as he stares at the white wall. The nurses had to sedate him, after he started digging into his arms and making himself bleed. Yamashita came by to see him, asking him what happened, why did he have an episode. Hikaru can’t tell him, and Yamashita sighs, telling him that he’s revoking his outside visits for two weeks.
Right now, Hikaru could care less, the world quiet and fuzzy and making him forget about the bandages on his arms, the dried tears on his cheeks and the memories that constantly haunt him.
He wonders if he’ll ever get better.
For half the day he’s locked up in his room, the nurses bringing him his meals. After lunch though they let him out, and Hikaru wanders around, his hands in his pockets.
He passes by the art room and peeks inside, but he doesn’t see Yuta and Miyata in there. He checks the game room, and then the library, but still no signs of the two boys. He checks the music room next, and although his friends aren’t in there, he sees Inoo at the piano, playing a classical piece he recognized but couldn’t name.
Walking over to the boy, he sits beside him and Inoo stops playing, his fingers resting on the keys.
“What happened yesterday?” Inoo asks, and Hikaru remains quiet, unable to look Inoo in the eye. “You just, freaked out, I was,” Inoo pauses, “Hikaru, look at me.”
Hikaru shakes his head.
“Please,” Inoo says quietly, and his hand settles over Hikaru’s, giving it a squeeze.
Sighing, Hikaru looks up at Inoo and into his eyes, a sad frown on his face as the other boy stares at him. A few quiet minutes pass, and Hikaru wonders what Inoo sees, if he can find the answers he’s looking for.
Inoo breaks the contact, and begins playing again, but with only one hand this time. His other hand remains on Hikaru’s, just resting there, and at that moment, he feels okay with the world.
At the hospital, touching is frowned upon. Nurses will generally let you get away with hugging a friend or giving them some kind of casual touch, but things like hand holding, or any other gesture that can be perceived as romantic, is forbidden.
It doesn’t stop people, of course. Hikaru has seen many secret couples, exchanging kisses and more when the nurses aren’t looking. He doesn’t understand why it’s a problem, especially for people like Yuta and Miyata, who really care for each other and help each other out during their darkest times, like when Yuta sees himself in the mirror and cries, hands pinching at his pale flesh or when Miyata breaks things, hands shaking as he screams at the nurses. Things get chaotic and sometimes Miyata is put on lockdown for a day or more, but when they’re together, they’re so magical, arms holding each other close as they close their eyes, listening to each other’s breaths.
When Hikaru sees this, or any other moment between a couple, he feels like he’s intruding on something special. He can never take his eyes away though, because the beauty some of these people share, is the only beauty he’s ever really seen between lovers.
Eventually he forces himself away, and before he met Inoo, he would just quietly read in the library, but now he accompanies the boy to the music room, content with watching Inoo play the piano for the hour and a half free time they have.
When Inoo doesn’t feel like playing, he talks, sharing his stories with Hikaru. He finds out that Inoo is older than him, and quite smart, despite his illness. He also learns that Inoo has both his parents, and a little sister, who used to visit him but stopped, without ever giving a reason why.
Inoo is not like the other schizophrenics, and Hikaru wonders if he really is. He must be, otherwise he wouldn’t be living in that wing, but Inoo is so gentle and calm, unlike the other schizophrenics who yell at invisible people, sit quietly in the halls and rock themselves with a crazed look in their eyes, or talk about strange things that make no logical sense, like aliens and government agents who want to kill them.
He wants to ask what makes Inoo a schizophrenic, but he can’t, and so he settles with what he has, which for now, is good enough.
A low voice is whispering into his ear, breaking him down with harsh words of hate. He cries, pleading for them to stop, the pain so unbearable as he screams, but they just laugh and their nails dig into him harder, marring his filthy skin.
Hours later and he’s still there, hiccupping as he struggles to breathe, to move, to properly think, just looking at his skin with disgusted eyes.
He hates it, his flesh, and he wants it gone, all gone.
Hikaru shivers, pulling his blankets over his head as he tries to calm his breathing. The nightmares have gotten worse again, more vivid, and Hikaru grips his pillow as he resists the urge to scratch at his arms.
There’s a quiet knock on his door, and Hikaru pokes his head out of the blankets as it opens. “Hey,” Yuta smiles at him, and he can see Miyata hanging in the background. “Let’s go get breakfast, yeah?”
Hikaru nods, and crawls out of bed, smoothing down his wrinkled clothes. He follows the couple into the cafeteria, grabbing a plate of food and sitting down at an empty table.
He begins eating, aware of the stares Yuta and Miyata are sending his way, but ignores them, shoveling food into his mouth. He’s really not that hungry, but the uncomfortable silence is giving him the chills, and he feels the need to do something in order to ignore it more.
“Hikaru,” he looks up with a mouthful of rice, “I’m worried about you,” Yuta says, “You seem more tired than usual lately, and really sad.”
Hikaru swallows down the rice, and shakes his head, trying to dismiss Yuta’s concerns. It doesn’t work though, and soon Miyata is in on it, “Maybe you should try talking? I mean, it’s been months now Hikaru, you-”
Hikaru frowns, and stands up, his hands slamming down on the table. Yuta and Miyata are shocked, frozen, and Hikaru walks away and heads back towards his room, crawling under the blankets.
As soon as his head hits the pillow, he begins to tear up, sniffling sadly to himself.
He’s not an idiot, he knows things would be loads easier if he just opened his mouth and talked. He can’t though, and he doesn’t quite understand it himself, but it’s like his words were taken away from him, along with his sanity, when life took a wrong turn, driving down a tumultuous path until he ended up here.
Hikaru sighs, and buries his face into his pillow.
“How are your arms?” Yamashita asks as he sits down, and he unconsciously brings them closer to his body. “We haven’t had to sedate you since your third week here, Hikaru. What happened?”
Hikaru shrugs, and he can see the disappointment in Yamashita’s eyes, “Okay, let’s see, how are your friends doing?”
Hikaru gives Yamashita a blank stare, and then sighs, looking down at his lap.
Hikaru finds Inoo in the library today, curled up in a green loveseat with his legs dangling over the edge. He walks over towards the boy and Inoo smiles, sitting up and making room for Hikaru.
“Hey,” Inoo smiles, and Hikaru feels himself relaxing, “I’ve missed you lately, going outside without you is just boring now.”
Hikaru raises a brow at this, and Inoo laughs, “Yeah I know, you don’t talk but still, your silent company keeps me entertained.”
“You know, I just realized,” Inoo’s laughter dies out, and he looks at Hikaru in amusement, “I have no idea what your name is.”
Hikaru’s eyes widen, and he grabs Inoo’s hand, beginning to draw out the characters in his name but Inoo stops him. “I want to hear you say your name, when you’re ready,” he smiles, and Hikaru’s heart jumps a beat.
Inoo goes back to reading his book, and Hikaru watches him, trying not to over think their linked fingers.
It feels nice though.
Time passes differently in a place like this.
Sometimes it ticks by, the seconds dragging by and then sometimes it flashes forward, the days going by in a whirlwind of pills and tears.
Hikaru is finally able to go outside again, but he’s scared, afraid that he might have another episode if Taipi, or one of the other boys, approach him. It’s obvious Inoo can see the fear in his eyes, and so he grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze, before pulling it into his coat pocket, discreetly. They hold hands as they make it outside, the nurses unaware and they find a small bench to sit at, shivering together.
“Being outside in the cold sucks, but hell, I’d still take it over being locked up all the time,” Inoo’s teeth chatters as he talks, and Hikaru nods, shivering. He waits a moment, and after making sure there are no nurses watching them too heavily, he scoots closer to Inoo and rests his head on the other’s shoulder.
“You’re cute,” Inoo says, and he leans his cheek against the top of Hikaru’s head.
Hikaru opens his mouth, words on the tip of his tongue but he stops, shaking, and not just from the cold.
He turns away from the bruising kiss, lips clenched together as he looks away, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Hikaru wakes up, gasping as he sits up in bed. Running a hand through his hair, he lays back down and stares outside, watching the moon fade into the sky.
Brown hair and tanned skin morph into black hair and pale skin, and his screams of pain become ones of pleasure as he clutches Inoo’s shoulders, and when he opens his eyes, he sees that his arms are clean.
No little white lines, no raised pink patches, just him.
Hikaru doesn’t get out of bed that day, not even to take his pills. Yamashita comes to talk with him and stays for an hour, and then a nurse comes in and forces the pills down his throat. Another nurse comes by and asks if she should bring him breakfast, but Yamashita shakes his head, and together the three leave Hikaru alone.
He doesn’t know why he’s acting like this, but the idea of getting out of bed and doing anything makes him want to scratch, and he knows he shouldn’t be doing that.
Closing his eyes, Hikaru tries to relax and calm his nerves, pushing away thoughts of pale skin under his fingertips out of his mind.
Hikaru can see that the sky is beginning to darken when his door opens again. He sighs, ignoring what he thinks is another nurse trying to get him to eat, but finds himself surprised when his blankets are flung off of him. Wincing, Hikaru looks at the perpetrator but stops, eyes widening.
“Where were you today?” Inoo asks as he takes a seat on his bed, looking at Hikaru in concern, “I was worried you had another breakdown or something.”
Hikaru stares at Inoo, breathing weirdly.
“You’re probably wondering how I got in here, considering we’re in different wings and stuff,” Inoo chuckles awkwardly, “I had Senga piss off Taipi, which I’m sure you can imagine the destruction that would cause.”
Hikaru frowns, and Inoo adds, “I’m sorry, I just really wanted to see you. Should I go?”
Hikaru looks down, staring at his hands in his lap. He doesn’t know what to do, but when Inoo begins to stand up, Hikaru jumps, grabbing his arm.
Inoo smiles, “I can’t stay long though,” he adds, and Hikaru shakes his head, uncaring and feeling totally unsure as he lays his head on Inoo’s shoulder, his hands still clutching the boy’s arm.
He has no idea what’s going on with him anymore; but then again, he hasn’t for over four months now.
When he sees Yuta and Miyata holding hands, sneaking kisses, staring at each other like they’re the only thing in the world he falters, his mind whirling ahead of him. These two, they’re so perfect for each other and Hikaru wonders if true love in a place like this can exist.
Maybe it can though, he thinks, seeing Miyata gently touch Yuta’s shoulder as they paint a picture together, a brown vase on the off-white canvas that is filled with purple and yellow flowers.
Hikaru looks back at his own painting, a lone stick figure with a mop of messy black hair, sitting at the piano.
He was in love once, to a man with long legs and high cheekbones.
It didn’t last though, and because of that man, he is where he is.
Hikaru isn’t sure if he can love again, or, really, isn’t sure he can find anyone dumb enough to love him.
“It’s almost Valentine’s Day,” Inoo tells him as they sit in the library, their shoulders and thighs pressed together as they look at the book in Hikaru’s lap.
Hikaru nods, and Inoo goes on, “It’s almost a shame we can’t celebrate holidays here, besides having a Christmas tree in the cafeteria.”
Hikaru shrugs, not really caring one way or the other. Besides, Valentine’s Day was a holiday for girls, and they lived in a different part of the hospital, kept separate from the boys.
“I suppose you’re right,” Inoo laughs, and his hands sneaks its way into Hikaru’s, hidden behind the book in his lap.
Hikaru blushes, smiles, feels his heart speed up and more.
If he was a girl, and not locked up in a hospital, he would have liked to make chocolates for Inoo.
He’s not though, and there’s no way Inoo would ever accept a guy like him as his own.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve become really close with Kei,” Yamashita says, staring down at his notes, “That’s good, I think you two will be able to help each other in a way that therapy and medication can’t. However,” Yamashita looks up at him, and Hikaru frowns, already knowing where this is going, “You’ve had more episodes since becoming friends then you did before. Why?”
Hikaru shrugs, genuinely unsure.
“Maybe Kei reminds you of someone in your past?” Yamashita asks, and Hikaru immediately shakes his head.
Inoo is like no one he’s ever met before, but wished he had, really. Maybe if he had met a guy like him, he wouldn’t be in this place right now, he’d be back at college getting his degree and his parents wouldn’t be ashamed to call him their son.
Everything comes to a halt when Yamashita pulls him out of the art room one day, his brows pulled together and a frown on his face. “Inoo Kei had a breakdown today during group therapy,” Hikaru’s eyes widen, “I shouldn’t be doing this, but he hasn’t had an episode since he came here, and you’ve seem to have had a positive influence on him.”
Yamashita leads him away from the art room and through the hallways, towards a set of double doors that lead to the isolation rooms. Hikaru has never been here before, but he’s heard about it from Yuta and Miyata, and truthfully, it’s a lot creepier than he had imagined. Yamashita opens the door and they continue walking, reaching the end of the hallway before Yamashita stops. “I should warn you, Kei has been restrained with a straight jacket.”
The doors opens, and Hikaru sees that Inoo curled up on a small bed, his back pressed against the wall. His arms are bound, of course, and he’s staring off into space, quietly muttering to himself. This is the most schizophrenic Hikaru has ever seen Inoo, and it scares him and worries him but he pushes those feelings aside, and walks over to the boy.
Inoo doesn’t seem to notice him, so Hikaru gets closer, sitting on the bed in front of him. From this angle, he can see a large strip of gauze covering Inoo’s forehead, and he looks back at Yamashita, confused.
“He hit his head against the wall a few times before we were able to sedate him,” Yamashita answers, “It’s not too serious of a wound, he did need stitches but he’s not concussed at all.”
Hikaru nods and turns back towards Inoo. Carefully, he lays his hands on Inoo’s knees, hoping to get the boy’s attention. He doesn’t, and Inoo’s mutterings become louder, clearer, and Hikaru can see a few tears streaking down his cheeks.
Yamashita begins to walk over, but Hikaru stops him, whispering in a hoarse voice, “Inoo.”
Inoo’s eyes dart over to his, and he begins to shake.
“Kei,” Hikaru coughs, four months, one week and three days of being silent causing him a lot of discomfort, but he pushes past it, “It’s okay, I’m here.”
Inoo’s breathing begins to calm down, and he’s quiet, but still shaking and crying. “It’s okay,” Hikaru says again, “You’re okay.”
Inoo stops shaking but begins to sob, and Hikaru moves to sit next to the boy, pulling him into his arms when he does and Inoo buries his face into his next, his tears wetting Hikaru’s skin.
Hikaru continues to speak to Inoo, his voice slowly becoming smoother and Yamashita stands by the door, amazed.
“So, you talk now?” Yuta asks him at dinner, after Hikaru sits down in front of him and says ‘hi’. He looks over at Miyata, surprised, and Miyata just shrugs and continues eating.
Hikaru shrugs, and nearly chugs his water down. His throat is killing him right now and so he reverts back to silence, but just knowing that he has his words back means so much to him.
It also worries him too, though, because now Yamashita will expect to find out why he hates his own skin so much, and he’s not sure if he’s ready to tell that story.
Inoo is kept in isolation for three days, and each of those days Hikaru visits him, under Yamashita’s supervision of course. Hikaru talks to Inoo, short sentences because he’s still getting used to speaking again, but it seems to make Inoo happy, who finally smiles after two days. When Inoo is released, Yamashita grants him permission to take Inoo into the music room, and the two sit at the piano, Inoo rubbing his arms and stretching his fingers.
“Straight jackets must suck,” Hikaru says and Inoo nods, cracking his knuckles. “Can I ask what happened?”
“You just kind of did,” Inoo responds, “I don’t know, usually I can ignore them.”
“Ignore who?”
“The voices, in my head,” Inoo chuckles after seeing the expression on Hikaru’s face, “I told you I was a schizo, and yet you look so surprised.”
Hikaru shrugs, “You just, never really acted like it.”
“That’s true, I don’t like being another stereotype,” Inoo says with amusement, and Hikaru rolls his eyes.
“I’ve been schizo all my life, really, and I’ve always,” Inoo frowns, “More or less, have been able to ignore the voices. Usually they aren’t so bad though, some of them can be quite friendly. I try to keep my conversations with them silent though, for obvious reasons.”
“Are there voices which aren’t friendly?”
“Of course, and that’s why I’m here,” Inoo lays his fingers on the keys, “I used to be a concert pianist, probably could have gone somewhere too, but the older I got, the worse my condition became. When I was a kid, I didn’t mind the voices, and when I was a teen they would sometimes be mean to me but I could ignore them. After I turned nineteen though, they got really bad, and trying to ignore them so I could practice my music was nearly impossible.”
Hikaru scoots closer to Inoo, his hand resting on the boy’s thigh. “I saw a psychiatrist, got on some anti-psychotic medication and for awhile I felt better.”
“The medication didn’t work though?” Hikaru guesses, and Inoo nods.
“No, the voices got so loud and I couldn’t do anything. My head constantly hurt, and any kind of sound just felt like someone stabbing me in the temple,” Inoo pressed one of the piano keys, “I couldn’t play the piano anymore, couldn’t see my friends or my family, and eventually I just snapped,” Inoo pauses, reaching up and lifting away his bangs, and opposite of the white gauze, Hikaru can see a series small, jagged lines.
“I hit my head against a wall until I passed out, and when I woke up, I was here. My parents never knew I had a problem until then, and they didn’t know how to handle it, so they admitted me here,” Inoo moves his hand and his bangs drop down, “And that’s my story.
Hikaru sniffles, holding back his urge to cry and hold Inoo as close as possible. He’s aware that the music teacher is watching them out of the corner of his eye, while he helps another patient with learning guitar chords. The boy gets frustrated though, and finally the teacher looks away from them.
Looking back into Inoo’s eyes, Hikaru leans forward, not thinking, just feeling, and presses his lips against Inoo’s. He holds them there for only a second and then pulls back, seeing the surprised look in Inoo’s eyes.
Hikaru doesn’t say anything, doesn’t think he could with how quickly his heart is beating. He breaks eye contact with Inoo and stares at his lap, and a moment of silence passes until Inoo begins to play, and for once he recognizes the classical piece Inoo has chosen.
It’s Für Elise, and if he remembers correctly, this is a love song.
Yamashita smiles at him as he enters the room, and with a small ‘hello’ he sits down in front of the other’s desk. “I got to say, seeing you finally talk is amazing.”
Hikaru nods, but it’s half hearted. He’s insanely nervous right now, dreading that Yamashita will start prying into his past. To his surprise though, he doesn’t, but brings up Inoo instead.
“You two have had a really interesting impact on each other, I must say,” Yamashita folds his hands on his desk, “Rarely do we see friendships like that formed here, which is a shame, I think. We all need a good friend in our life, to help pick us back up when we’re down. Do you think you’ve found that in Kei?”
“Yes,” Hikaru immediately answers, and then adds, “I think, if Kei and I were friends when I was back in school, I wouldn’t have hurt myself.”
Yamashita nods, and Hikaru continues, his nerves still there but not gripping him like before, “I think, I wouldn’t have been so scared, and ashamed, and hated myself so much. I wouldn’t want to scream every time I look in the mirror.”
Hikaru pauses, taking a deep breath, “If I had had a friend like Kei, I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself.”
Hikaru finds himself scratching at his wrist while he’s outside with Inoo, the boy looking at him every now and then in concern. He’s not scratching because he’s scared though, or thinking about the past. He’s trying to keep his hand occupied, so that it doesn’t reach over and grab Inoo’s hand.
They haven’t talked about the kiss, not that Hikaru was really expecting them too, but still. He wonders what Inoo is thinking right now, and if any of those thoughts have to do with him.
“Stop that,” Inoo frowns and grabs his hand, squeezing it, “You’re not supposed to be scratching at yourself.”
“Sorry,” Hikaru apologizes awkwardly, and can’t help but smile when Inoo laces their fingers together. “Um,” he starts, but then stops, silently cursing himself. He feels like a damned school girl right now, spluttering and blushing over her handsome crush.
“I know,” Inoo stops walking, and Hikaru follows, looking over at him. A few quiet moments pass by, Hikaru watching Inoo expectantly. “Kei?” he asks after a couple of minutes, and Inoo sighs, letting go of his hand.
“You’re really nice Hikaru, and with the improvement you’ve been making, you’ll be out of this place in no time. Me,” Inoo turns towards him, “Not so much. Move on, okay.”
Inoo walks away, leaving Hikaru alone and he feels himself falling, his stomach plummeting and tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
He reaches for his arm, but then stops, letting it fall back to his side.
“What happened?” Yuta asks him at lunch, brushing his long bangs out of his eyes. Miyata sits beside him, his chin resting in his palm as he yawns.
“Nothing,” Hikaru responds, poking around at his food.
Hikaru notices with a start that he hasn’t had a nightmare in over a week, as he grabs his cups of pills. Looking at them for a second, Hikaru grabs the green pill and hides it in his pillow case, before taking the rest.
To his amazement, he feels perfectly fine, and so he does this for a few more days. After nearly a week without his anti-depressants, Hikaru feels okay, normal, like himself again.
He still misses Inoo like hell though.
“Can I talk to you?” Hikaru asks as he approaches Inoo, trying to keep his breathing in check. His nerves are all over the place, but he has to do this, and he wonders if Inoo can see it in his eyes because the boy nods, and Hikaru sits beside him, leaning against the tree. “I like you,” Hikaru starts, and begins rolling up his right sleeve, the arm he originally wanted to hide from Inoo, but now wants to show, “And I want you to be the first person I tell this story too. So, please listen?”
Inoo stares down at his wrist, his mouth opened in a silent gasp as he reaches forward, touching the scar there. Hikaru shivers at the touch, but allows it, watching Inoo’s fingers travel down the length of his wrist and a few inches into his forearm.
“I left my hometown when I was eighteen, after high school, to attend university in Tokyo. I wanted to be a pediatrician, and was so excited to start learning. I didn’t have many friends at my school, but it was okay, because I met this great guy,” Hikaru swallows past the lump in his throat, and clenches his fists, “I’d never been in love before, and really, I should have known it was too good to be true.”
Hikaru sniffles, “The happiness didn’t last long, not after he, he,” Hikaru stops, closing his eyes as he breathes in. When he opens them, he sees Inoo looking at him in concern, and with love too, he thinks, which gives him the courage to continue, “He raped me. I tried to fight back but, I don’t know, after so much screaming and crying I just kind of gave up. That wasn’t the first time, either, he kept doing it over and over again, always touching me and I felt like,” Hikaru digs his nails into his palms, “He was always there, on my skin and staining it. I hated it, that feeling, and I tried to scratch it away, burn it, cut it, but nothing worked.”
“So you slit your wrist, instead,” Inoo says, his fingers still on the raised skin and Hikaru nods, shaking a little, “I just wanted it gone, and I thought the only way I could get rid of it was by being dead.”
Inoo is quiet, and Hikaru can see that there are tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, “I lived though, barely, and ended up being admitted here after the doctors saw my arms, legs, everything. No one knew about what happened though, and I tried to tell them but I couldn’t talk, I mean physically I just,” Hikaru deflates, his shoulders sinking, “I had no words, and after I got admitted here, I didn’t really want to have any. I didn’t want anyone to see my dirty skin, so I kept quiet, until you broke down and were in isolation.”
“Hikaru,” Inoo says with a whisper, his voice thick, “Why…”
“I told you, I like you. You make me feel less hideous, less crazy, more like who I used to be before I met that guy. I think I might kind of love you, I don’t know. My first time around isn’t a good experience to go off of,” Hikaru chuckles quietly, “That was kind of awful to laugh at, huh?”
“Yeah, but then again,” Inoo smiles slightly, “This is coming from the guy who’s in love with a schizo.”
“True,” Hikaru snickers, and Inoo joins in, leaning against each other as they fall into a laughing fit. It takes them awhile, but once they’ve settled down, Hikaru is happy to see their hands clasped together.
“Thank you for telling me,” Inoo says quietly, his chin tucked on Hikaru’s shoulder, “I hope you’ll tell Yamashita next, that way you can get out of here and on with your life.”
“I will,” Hikaru promises, and then asks, biting his lip, “If a depressing, suicidal kid falls in love with a schizo, do you think it’s possible that a schizo could love him back?”
Inoo shrugs, and Hikaru nods, accepting fate for what it is, but then Inoo says, “We missed White Day, you know.”
“What’s the point,” Hikaru smiles, “There’s no girls around to give chocolates too.”
“I have you though, and you’re kind of girly.”
Hikaru’s heart jumps, and he resists his urge to tackle Inoo to the ground and smother him with kisses, snickering instead as he says, “If anyone is girly here, it’s you Kei. You’re just sooooo pretty~.”
Inoo pinches his side and Hikaru laughs, feeling a huge weight being lifted off his shoulders.
He keeps his promise to Inoo and tells Yamashita his story, and it’s been a little over five months since he had been admitted to the hospital. Another month passes until Yamashita congratulates him and says he’s ready to be discharged.
“You’re going home?” Yuta asks him and he nods, smiling so wide it hurts. The boy tackles him with a hug, and Hikaru holds him close, knowing he’ll never forget him. He hugs Miyata too, who wishes him good luck back out in the real world, and Hikaru thanks him, before making the two promise they’ll come see him when they’re released.
He tells Inoo next, who kisses his cheek when the nurse turns away and runs a hand through his hair, telling Hikaru how proud he is with tears in his eyes. Hikaru brushes them away when they fall down Inoo’s cheeks, and although he’s so happy, he knows he’s going to miss Inoo terribly. Thankfully though, Yamashita gave him a schedule of when visitors are allowed to come, and he knows he’s going to take full advantage of those days until Inoo is also released.
Putting on the clothes he wore when he first came here, Hikaru laughs when he sees that his jeans are a bit tighter around the thighs.
“Gosh, you’re such a fatass,” Yuta teases him, giving him one last hug before the nurse whisks him away. The two meet Yamashita, and Inoo, in front of the doors that lead to waiting room. They enter, and Hikaru sees his mother for the first time in over six months.
“Good luck out there Hikaru,” Yamashita interrupts his thoughts, and Hikaru turns back towards him. The two shake hands, and then Yamashita steps away, allowing Inoo to come forward.
Without a word the two embrace, clinging to each other and Hikaru begins crying, “I promise I’ll come visit you, and when you get released,” when, not if, because Hikaru knows Inoo is strong enough to get through this, “I’ll be here to get you, and we’ll celebrate holidays properly and -”
Inoo stops his rant with a kiss, and Hikaru cries harder, but returns the kiss, not caring who’s watching. When they break apart, their grips loosen on each other, and Inoo pecks him one last time before saying, “I love you too, Hikaru.”
Hikaru smiles, and waves to Inoo and Yamashita as they leave with the nurse. Turning back towards his Mom, he rushes over to her and hugs her, smiling as he buries his face into her coat, breathing in the familiar scent.
“It’s so good to have you back, Hikaru,” his Mom pats his back, and Hikaru nods, sighing in content.
“It’s good to be back.”
Author: hotfruits
Rating: R
Words: 8198
Characters: Hikaru-centric. hikanoo. some of kisumai.
Disclaimer: Don't own.
Summary: AU. Speechless, and broken down, Hikaru is admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
written for crazy_otaku911
;_________________; i hope you like this
and thank you to littlemelonblue and dreamweavernyx.
Falling to the ground, he screams as he tears at his arms, his chewed nails cutting into his skin and making him bleed. He cries, broken-hearted and frustrated sobs, and begins clawing away at his face.
“Hikaru,” a hand shakes him awake and he frowns, looking over his shoulder to see the nurse smiling down at him. “It’s time for your medication, Hikaru,” she sets the small cup of pills onto the table, along with a cup of water. After that she leaves, and Hikaru sits up, grabbing the cup of pills.
He picks up the red one first, a standard muscle relaxer, and pops the pill into his mouth. Swallowing it down, he grabs the white one next, which treats his frequent headaches. He takes that too, and last, he grabs the green pill, sighing. This one treats his ‘episodes’, keeps him from scratching and sobbing and falling apart. He takes it, grabs the cup of water and washes it all down.
Hikaru sighs and lays back down in bed, pulling the blankets over his head. His counseling session with the doctor wasn’t for another hour, and so he closes his eyes, pushing away his thoughts on pills and craziness and nightmares, and just concentrates on breathing, willing himself to sleep.
He cried, shaking as he wrapped his arms around himself, curled up into a fetal position in the corner. He rocked himself back and forth, eyeing the broken shaving razor on his floor, and the droplets of blood that connected him to it.
“Hikaru,” the psychologist, Doctor Yamashita, leans onto his desk with his hands clasped together, “How are you feeling today?”
Hikaru blinks, looking at Yamashita in boredom.
“Still not talking, I see,” Yamashita responds, clicking his pen and writing down in his folder. “It’s been nearly two months, Hikaru,” he says after a moment, setting the pen and re-clasping his hands, “You haven’t made any improvement in counseling.”
Hikaru looks away, reading the titles on the book shelf in the far right corner of the room. He can hear the pen clicking again, and Yamashita writes down some more notes. He curiously wonders what they say, but it’s probably just Yamashita’s thoughts on him, and he can already guess those.
“Despite your lack of improvement, you are the most well-behaved resident in your wing,” Hikaru looks back, his brow slightly raised, “I’m giving you outside privileges, just once a week on Saturdays. No one else in your wing has this, so you’ll be joining another group,” Yamashita smiles at him, his glasses perched low on his nose, “Use the time to make friends, okay?”
Hikaru blinks, and Yamashita smiles, asking him if he likes the new art teacher.
He doesn’t respond, just looks away, listening to Yamashita talk as he scans the bookshelf once more.
He sits down at dinner that evening with the boy who lives across the hall from him. He’s the quiet type as well, doesn’t talk to anyone except his friend Miyata, and Hikaru.
“Miyacchi and I designed a pot together in art class,” Yuta mumbles, and Hikaru has to strain to hear him, “It’s a small pot, but I like it. We painted it purple and yellow, because those are our favorite colors.”
Hikaru nods, and Yuta smiles, taking a bite of his salad.
Before Hikaru crawls into bed that night, he looks at the calendar on his wall and marks another day, putting a large, black X through the box. Re-capping the pen, he puts it back on his nightstand and crawls into bed, bringing the blankets over his face.
He begins to count to a hundred, falling asleep somewhere around sixty-seven.
He hides under his blankets, hands shaking as he covers his eyes, counting backwards. He gets to thirty-three when he feels the blankets being ripped away from him, and he screams.
Hikaru takes his three pills before making his way out into the hallway. He sees Yuta waiting for him, the back of his hair sticking up and Hikaru smiles, joining the older boy. Together, they make their way into the cafeteria and, after grabbing their food, make their way towards an empty table, Hikaru sitting down on one side of the bench and Yuta at the other, sitting close to Miyata.
Hikaru watches as Yuta talks quietly with Miyata, a small blush spreading across his cheeks when Miyata discreetly grabs his hand and brings it under the table, giving Yuta a warm smile. It makes Hikaru happy to see them like this, especially Yuta.
“Hikaru,” he focuses his attention back on Yuta as the boy softly calls his name, “Do you want to come to art class with Miyacchi and I today? You can see our pot then,” he smiles, and Hikaru quickly nods, excited.
This is the healthiest he’s seen Yuta since he came here, and he knows a lot of it is due to Miyata’s influence. He never wants to see Yuta without a smile again, sobbing into his hands after seeing his reflection in a mirror, window, anything that can reflect back and show Yuta what isn’t really there.
“Here it is,” Miyata grins toothily and hands Yuta the pot, who shows it to Hikaru with a proud smile.
“What do you think?” Yuta asks, and Hikaru nods, showing his approval. Yuta beams at this and looks back towards Miyata, who puts a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze.
Hikaru keeps his eye on the tiny pot, the edges of the purple and yellow paint running together, kind of like Yuta and Miyata themselves.
He hopes this lasts forever, but knows it won’t.
Nothing ever does, especially in a place like this.
Days pass as they always do, in a blur of different colored pills, nightmares and one-sided conversations. Saturday rolls around and he finds it amusing when Yuta asks a nurse if he can borrow her scarf. She agrees, continuing on her way and Yuta wraps the scarf around Hikaru’s neck.
“It’s cold outside, and I don’t want you to get sick,” Yuta says, adjusting the scarf so that it hangs even. “Have fun, and if you can, bring me back a leaf?” Yuta frowns, “I haven’t been outside in six weeks.”
Hikaru nods, and Yuta ushers him away, waving to him as he leaves the hallway. He walks past the cafeteria and towards the nurses’ station, where the group that goes outside gathers. He looks at the people he’s never seen before, watching a few of them chatting animatedly and a few of them, like him, standing in silence.
“Hikaru?” a nurse asks from behind him and he turns around, nodding. “Oh, good. Did Yamashita-san talk to you about going outside, especially the rules?” Another nod, “Good, good, and you know about this group right?” the nurse lowers her voice as she says this, and he nods again. Yamashita informed him that the group that met up at this time had various degrees of schizophrenia, or other psychological disorders. Yamashita still encouraged him to make friends though, which seemed really odd to him. Then again, maybe being friends with someone crazier than himself would make him feel better.
“Good, so if you have any concerns or feel unsafe at anytime, just find one of us nurses and we’ll take care of you,” she smiles, before going towards the front of the group, ushering them down the hall and Hikaru follows, nervous but excited.
They make it outside, and Hikaru takes a deep breath, shivering. It’s good though, very good, and he breaks away from the main group and walks over towards a wilting tree. Hearing the leaves crunch under his feet, Hikaru sits down on the ground and grabs some leaves, stuffing them into his pockets.
“What are you doing?” an unfamiliar voice asks from behind him, and Hikaru sits up straighter, his shoulders tense. “Don’t worry,” the boy comes into Hikaru’s line of vision and sits down in front of him, “I don’t bite,” he says, grinning with his arms crossed in front of him.
Hikaru looks down at the leaves and away from the boy, who has straight black hair and pale skin. He remains quiet, as always, and hopes that the boy will leave him alone. Time ticks by, and yet the boy is still there, and Hikaru can feel his eyes boring into him.
“I’m Inoo Kei,” the boy says eventually, “And you’re one of the quiet ones, aren’t you?”
Hikaru nods, and Inoo chuckles, using his hands to scoot closer and Hikaru flinches, uneasy. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you,” Inoo says again, “But those other guys might,” he points ahead, where the nurses are carefully monitoring the other boys. “See that short boy there? That’s Kitayama, he’s a schizo and thinks everyone is trying to kill him.”
Hikaru’s eyes widen, and he shrinks back, inadvertently pressing himself closer to Inoo. “It’s okay, I won’t let him hurt you,” Inoo pats his shoulder, “The boy next to Kitayama, that’s Fujigaya, or Taipi as we call him. He’s got anti-social disorder,” Inoo pauses, looking back at Hikaru, “Try to avoid him if you can.”
Hikaru swallows, and then nods, and Inoo is back to grinning at him.
“So, how long have you been here Hikaru?” he asks, and Hikaru holds up two fingers, “Oh, two months? That’s not too bad, I’ve been here for five myself.”
Hikaru raises a brow, and wonders if Inoo will catch his silent question. To his surprise, he does, “What’s my problem? Well, I’m a schizo of course,” Inoo shrugs, as if it’s not a big deal, and Hikaru thinks that maybe it’s not. Inoo is definitely the most well-mannered schizophrenic he’s ever seen.
“What about you?” Inoo asks, and Hikaru pauses, looking into Inoo’s eyes. He’s never shown anyone why he’s here, besides the nurses and Yamashita of course, who saw them when he was first admitted. He’s never even shown Yuta, his only friend at this place and yet, much to his surprise, he begins to roll up his sleeve. When he’s finished, he watches as Inoo’s eyes scan his arm, his fingers reaching out and touching the scars there, trailing over the thin lines and raised blotches. He keeps his right arm to himself, not ready to show anyone what lies there but it’s okay, Inoo is far too distracted by the left to even ask.
Inoo’s fingers settle on an old burn mark, the skin there permanently marred, “Why?” he simply asks, looking back into Hikaru’s eyes.
Hikaru’s silent, as always, but when Inoo nods and looks away, he wonders if the boy was somehow able to read his thoughts.
“How did it go today?” Yuta asks him at dinner, one hand scooping rice into his mouth and the other under the table, holding Miyata’s. Hikaru smiles, and reaches into his pocket, sliding one of the yellow leaves across the table. Yuta beams and grabs it, admiring the fragile leaf. “Thank you,” he says, and Hikaru nods, satisfied that he brought some happiness into Yuta’s life.
“I’m so jealous,” Miyata chuckles, looking at the leaf in Yuta’s hand, “Maybe if I start getting better, they’ll let me outside too.”
Yuta turns to Miyata and gives a smile, one that is filled with warmth and love.
Hikaru is happy for them, but can’t help and want something like that for himself.
He thrashes on the floor, trying to fight off the strong hands that hold him down.
He can’t, and he cries, screaming in pain.
Hikaru wakes up that morning with tears on his cheeks, and sighs, swallowing down his pills, first the red, then the white, and last the green. He washes it all down with water and leaves his room, making his way to the cafeteria alone. He looks for Yuta and Miyata, but doesn’t see them there, and so he grabs a breakfast plate and eats alone.
Until Inoo sits down beside him.
“Hey,” Inoo greets him with a grin, “How is it possible that this is my first time seeing you in the cafeteria?”
Hikaru shrugs, thinking that Inoo probably has seen him before, just didn’t know it was him until yesterday.
“Eh, either way,” Inoo reaches over and grabs a piece of toast, biting into it. Hikaru looks over at him and raises a brow, “Sorry,” Inoo says through a mouthful of food, “My friend Senga stole my food today, so I’m starving.”
Hikaru blinks, and then pushes his plate closer to Inoo’s, a silent offering to take more food. Inoo does, grabbing the other piece of toast and shoving it into his mouth.
Hikaru grins, and almost finds himself laughing, something he hasn’t done since he was thrown into this place.
There’s something special about Inoo, Hikaru can already tell, just like how there was something special about Yuta, that attracted him to the older boy and made him want to be friends with him.
He wonders about Inoo, and how things will turn out with him.
He walks past the art room during free time, and peeks inside, seeing Yuta and Miyata at the pottery wheel. They’re building another pot together, laughing and Hikaru grins, walking away. He walks past the game room next, seeing the boys Inoo had pointed out to him when they were outside, and leaves, a little scared. He finds himself ending up in the music room, a quiet piano medley attracting him. He enters, and then does a double take, surprised to see Inoo at the piano, the one who is creating the beautiful music.
He walks over and sits beside him, watching Inoo’s slim fingers hitting the black and white keys delicately. It’s beautiful, the song, and then Hikaru pauses, looking up at Inoo.
He’s beautiful too, he decides, and continues to watch Inoo play, a soft smile on his face.
“So, how are you doing Hikaru?” Yamashita asks as he leans back into the chair, yawning. He’s exhausted, has been for days now, due to the increase of nightmares that wake him up and leave him too scared to fall back asleep. “Tired, I see,” Yamashita writes in his folder, “I’m gonna have the nurses start giving you a sleeping-aid, that should help you get through the night.”
Hikaru nods, silently showing his appreciation. He doesn’t like the number of pills he has to take, but he knows he needs them.
“I heard from nurse Kato that you woke up screaming a few nights, and were scratching at your arms. Do you want to talk about it?” Yamashita asks, and like always, Hikaru shakes his head. “Okay, how about your first trip outside. Nurse Masuda told me you made a friend with,” Yamashita looks down at his notes, “Inoo Kei.”
Hikaru nods, and Yamashita opens up a cabinet in his desk, reaching in and pulling out another folder. He opens it up and begins to skim through it, “Oh, Kei, yes. He’s a nice boy, very talented at the piano. Have you heard him play?” Hikaru nods, and Yamashita continues, “That’s great, I’m happy to see that you’re making new friends.”
Hikaru nods, smiling. He’s happy too, even though he’s still here and still broken inside, being controlled by pills and nightmares and ugly scars. He has hope though, something he hasn’t felt in awhile, hope given to him by Yuta and his quiet relationship with Miyata, and now by Inoo, who touches his scars through the material of his sleeves with gentle fingers, like the ones he used while playing the piano.
He still wonders what kind of role Inoo will play in his life.
It’s Saturday again, and Hikaru follows Inoo as they quietly walk towards the tree, leaves crunching under their feet as they go, hands in his pockets as he shivers. Inoo looks back at him and stops, wrapping an arm around Hikaru’s shoulders. “You should have layered up,” Inoo grins, and Hikaru’s face feels warm as he blushes.
He shrugs in response, and they continue to walk, but are interrupted by Fujigaya calling Inoo’s name. Hikaru flinches and grabs Inoo’s shirt, eyes wide as the short male approaches them with a glare.
“What are you doing Inoo?” Fujigaya asks, and Hikaru looks away from the man’s glare, burying his face in Inoo’s shoulder. He’s absolutely terrified right now, shaking as Fujigaya speaks to them in a low voice. It’s all too familiar, and he begins crying, feeling his skin itch under his sleeves.
“Leave us alone Taipi, sheesh,” Inoo interrupts the other, his tone casual.
Fujigaya snorts, “Whatever, freaks,” he says before walking away, and when he’s gone Hikaru can feel Inoo pushing him away, looking at him in concern.
“What’s wrong?” he immediately asks, placing a gentle hand on Hikaru’s cheek, “Hey, it’s okay, Taipi is gone now, you don’t have to be scared.”
Hikaru shakes his head, the tears falling faster now and he launches himself back into Inoo’s arms, sobbing as he clings to the other boy. Inoo holds him close, rubbing his back and whispering words of comfort into his year.
A moment later and he can hear footsteps running towards them, and then a nurse is pulling him away from Inoo. He begins to cry harder as they drag him up the path, his eyes never leaving Inoo’s as the boy stares at him, his expression hopeless.
Hikaru is flopped onto his bed, his eyes glazed over as he stares at the white wall. The nurses had to sedate him, after he started digging into his arms and making himself bleed. Yamashita came by to see him, asking him what happened, why did he have an episode. Hikaru can’t tell him, and Yamashita sighs, telling him that he’s revoking his outside visits for two weeks.
Right now, Hikaru could care less, the world quiet and fuzzy and making him forget about the bandages on his arms, the dried tears on his cheeks and the memories that constantly haunt him.
He wonders if he’ll ever get better.
For half the day he’s locked up in his room, the nurses bringing him his meals. After lunch though they let him out, and Hikaru wanders around, his hands in his pockets.
He passes by the art room and peeks inside, but he doesn’t see Yuta and Miyata in there. He checks the game room, and then the library, but still no signs of the two boys. He checks the music room next, and although his friends aren’t in there, he sees Inoo at the piano, playing a classical piece he recognized but couldn’t name.
Walking over to the boy, he sits beside him and Inoo stops playing, his fingers resting on the keys.
“What happened yesterday?” Inoo asks, and Hikaru remains quiet, unable to look Inoo in the eye. “You just, freaked out, I was,” Inoo pauses, “Hikaru, look at me.”
Hikaru shakes his head.
“Please,” Inoo says quietly, and his hand settles over Hikaru’s, giving it a squeeze.
Sighing, Hikaru looks up at Inoo and into his eyes, a sad frown on his face as the other boy stares at him. A few quiet minutes pass, and Hikaru wonders what Inoo sees, if he can find the answers he’s looking for.
Inoo breaks the contact, and begins playing again, but with only one hand this time. His other hand remains on Hikaru’s, just resting there, and at that moment, he feels okay with the world.
At the hospital, touching is frowned upon. Nurses will generally let you get away with hugging a friend or giving them some kind of casual touch, but things like hand holding, or any other gesture that can be perceived as romantic, is forbidden.
It doesn’t stop people, of course. Hikaru has seen many secret couples, exchanging kisses and more when the nurses aren’t looking. He doesn’t understand why it’s a problem, especially for people like Yuta and Miyata, who really care for each other and help each other out during their darkest times, like when Yuta sees himself in the mirror and cries, hands pinching at his pale flesh or when Miyata breaks things, hands shaking as he screams at the nurses. Things get chaotic and sometimes Miyata is put on lockdown for a day or more, but when they’re together, they’re so magical, arms holding each other close as they close their eyes, listening to each other’s breaths.
When Hikaru sees this, or any other moment between a couple, he feels like he’s intruding on something special. He can never take his eyes away though, because the beauty some of these people share, is the only beauty he’s ever really seen between lovers.
Eventually he forces himself away, and before he met Inoo, he would just quietly read in the library, but now he accompanies the boy to the music room, content with watching Inoo play the piano for the hour and a half free time they have.
When Inoo doesn’t feel like playing, he talks, sharing his stories with Hikaru. He finds out that Inoo is older than him, and quite smart, despite his illness. He also learns that Inoo has both his parents, and a little sister, who used to visit him but stopped, without ever giving a reason why.
Inoo is not like the other schizophrenics, and Hikaru wonders if he really is. He must be, otherwise he wouldn’t be living in that wing, but Inoo is so gentle and calm, unlike the other schizophrenics who yell at invisible people, sit quietly in the halls and rock themselves with a crazed look in their eyes, or talk about strange things that make no logical sense, like aliens and government agents who want to kill them.
He wants to ask what makes Inoo a schizophrenic, but he can’t, and so he settles with what he has, which for now, is good enough.
A low voice is whispering into his ear, breaking him down with harsh words of hate. He cries, pleading for them to stop, the pain so unbearable as he screams, but they just laugh and their nails dig into him harder, marring his filthy skin.
Hours later and he’s still there, hiccupping as he struggles to breathe, to move, to properly think, just looking at his skin with disgusted eyes.
He hates it, his flesh, and he wants it gone, all gone.
Hikaru shivers, pulling his blankets over his head as he tries to calm his breathing. The nightmares have gotten worse again, more vivid, and Hikaru grips his pillow as he resists the urge to scratch at his arms.
There’s a quiet knock on his door, and Hikaru pokes his head out of the blankets as it opens. “Hey,” Yuta smiles at him, and he can see Miyata hanging in the background. “Let’s go get breakfast, yeah?”
Hikaru nods, and crawls out of bed, smoothing down his wrinkled clothes. He follows the couple into the cafeteria, grabbing a plate of food and sitting down at an empty table.
He begins eating, aware of the stares Yuta and Miyata are sending his way, but ignores them, shoveling food into his mouth. He’s really not that hungry, but the uncomfortable silence is giving him the chills, and he feels the need to do something in order to ignore it more.
“Hikaru,” he looks up with a mouthful of rice, “I’m worried about you,” Yuta says, “You seem more tired than usual lately, and really sad.”
Hikaru swallows down the rice, and shakes his head, trying to dismiss Yuta’s concerns. It doesn’t work though, and soon Miyata is in on it, “Maybe you should try talking? I mean, it’s been months now Hikaru, you-”
Hikaru frowns, and stands up, his hands slamming down on the table. Yuta and Miyata are shocked, frozen, and Hikaru walks away and heads back towards his room, crawling under the blankets.
As soon as his head hits the pillow, he begins to tear up, sniffling sadly to himself.
He’s not an idiot, he knows things would be loads easier if he just opened his mouth and talked. He can’t though, and he doesn’t quite understand it himself, but it’s like his words were taken away from him, along with his sanity, when life took a wrong turn, driving down a tumultuous path until he ended up here.
Hikaru sighs, and buries his face into his pillow.
“How are your arms?” Yamashita asks as he sits down, and he unconsciously brings them closer to his body. “We haven’t had to sedate you since your third week here, Hikaru. What happened?”
Hikaru shrugs, and he can see the disappointment in Yamashita’s eyes, “Okay, let’s see, how are your friends doing?”
Hikaru gives Yamashita a blank stare, and then sighs, looking down at his lap.
Hikaru finds Inoo in the library today, curled up in a green loveseat with his legs dangling over the edge. He walks over towards the boy and Inoo smiles, sitting up and making room for Hikaru.
“Hey,” Inoo smiles, and Hikaru feels himself relaxing, “I’ve missed you lately, going outside without you is just boring now.”
Hikaru raises a brow at this, and Inoo laughs, “Yeah I know, you don’t talk but still, your silent company keeps me entertained.”
“You know, I just realized,” Inoo’s laughter dies out, and he looks at Hikaru in amusement, “I have no idea what your name is.”
Hikaru’s eyes widen, and he grabs Inoo’s hand, beginning to draw out the characters in his name but Inoo stops him. “I want to hear you say your name, when you’re ready,” he smiles, and Hikaru’s heart jumps a beat.
Inoo goes back to reading his book, and Hikaru watches him, trying not to over think their linked fingers.
It feels nice though.
Time passes differently in a place like this.
Sometimes it ticks by, the seconds dragging by and then sometimes it flashes forward, the days going by in a whirlwind of pills and tears.
Hikaru is finally able to go outside again, but he’s scared, afraid that he might have another episode if Taipi, or one of the other boys, approach him. It’s obvious Inoo can see the fear in his eyes, and so he grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze, before pulling it into his coat pocket, discreetly. They hold hands as they make it outside, the nurses unaware and they find a small bench to sit at, shivering together.
“Being outside in the cold sucks, but hell, I’d still take it over being locked up all the time,” Inoo’s teeth chatters as he talks, and Hikaru nods, shivering. He waits a moment, and after making sure there are no nurses watching them too heavily, he scoots closer to Inoo and rests his head on the other’s shoulder.
“You’re cute,” Inoo says, and he leans his cheek against the top of Hikaru’s head.
Hikaru opens his mouth, words on the tip of his tongue but he stops, shaking, and not just from the cold.
He turns away from the bruising kiss, lips clenched together as he looks away, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Hikaru wakes up, gasping as he sits up in bed. Running a hand through his hair, he lays back down and stares outside, watching the moon fade into the sky.
Brown hair and tanned skin morph into black hair and pale skin, and his screams of pain become ones of pleasure as he clutches Inoo’s shoulders, and when he opens his eyes, he sees that his arms are clean.
No little white lines, no raised pink patches, just him.
Hikaru doesn’t get out of bed that day, not even to take his pills. Yamashita comes to talk with him and stays for an hour, and then a nurse comes in and forces the pills down his throat. Another nurse comes by and asks if she should bring him breakfast, but Yamashita shakes his head, and together the three leave Hikaru alone.
He doesn’t know why he’s acting like this, but the idea of getting out of bed and doing anything makes him want to scratch, and he knows he shouldn’t be doing that.
Closing his eyes, Hikaru tries to relax and calm his nerves, pushing away thoughts of pale skin under his fingertips out of his mind.
Hikaru can see that the sky is beginning to darken when his door opens again. He sighs, ignoring what he thinks is another nurse trying to get him to eat, but finds himself surprised when his blankets are flung off of him. Wincing, Hikaru looks at the perpetrator but stops, eyes widening.
“Where were you today?” Inoo asks as he takes a seat on his bed, looking at Hikaru in concern, “I was worried you had another breakdown or something.”
Hikaru stares at Inoo, breathing weirdly.
“You’re probably wondering how I got in here, considering we’re in different wings and stuff,” Inoo chuckles awkwardly, “I had Senga piss off Taipi, which I’m sure you can imagine the destruction that would cause.”
Hikaru frowns, and Inoo adds, “I’m sorry, I just really wanted to see you. Should I go?”
Hikaru looks down, staring at his hands in his lap. He doesn’t know what to do, but when Inoo begins to stand up, Hikaru jumps, grabbing his arm.
Inoo smiles, “I can’t stay long though,” he adds, and Hikaru shakes his head, uncaring and feeling totally unsure as he lays his head on Inoo’s shoulder, his hands still clutching the boy’s arm.
He has no idea what’s going on with him anymore; but then again, he hasn’t for over four months now.
When he sees Yuta and Miyata holding hands, sneaking kisses, staring at each other like they’re the only thing in the world he falters, his mind whirling ahead of him. These two, they’re so perfect for each other and Hikaru wonders if true love in a place like this can exist.
Maybe it can though, he thinks, seeing Miyata gently touch Yuta’s shoulder as they paint a picture together, a brown vase on the off-white canvas that is filled with purple and yellow flowers.
Hikaru looks back at his own painting, a lone stick figure with a mop of messy black hair, sitting at the piano.
He was in love once, to a man with long legs and high cheekbones.
It didn’t last though, and because of that man, he is where he is.
Hikaru isn’t sure if he can love again, or, really, isn’t sure he can find anyone dumb enough to love him.
“It’s almost Valentine’s Day,” Inoo tells him as they sit in the library, their shoulders and thighs pressed together as they look at the book in Hikaru’s lap.
Hikaru nods, and Inoo goes on, “It’s almost a shame we can’t celebrate holidays here, besides having a Christmas tree in the cafeteria.”
Hikaru shrugs, not really caring one way or the other. Besides, Valentine’s Day was a holiday for girls, and they lived in a different part of the hospital, kept separate from the boys.
“I suppose you’re right,” Inoo laughs, and his hands sneaks its way into Hikaru’s, hidden behind the book in his lap.
Hikaru blushes, smiles, feels his heart speed up and more.
If he was a girl, and not locked up in a hospital, he would have liked to make chocolates for Inoo.
He’s not though, and there’s no way Inoo would ever accept a guy like him as his own.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve become really close with Kei,” Yamashita says, staring down at his notes, “That’s good, I think you two will be able to help each other in a way that therapy and medication can’t. However,” Yamashita looks up at him, and Hikaru frowns, already knowing where this is going, “You’ve had more episodes since becoming friends then you did before. Why?”
Hikaru shrugs, genuinely unsure.
“Maybe Kei reminds you of someone in your past?” Yamashita asks, and Hikaru immediately shakes his head.
Inoo is like no one he’s ever met before, but wished he had, really. Maybe if he had met a guy like him, he wouldn’t be in this place right now, he’d be back at college getting his degree and his parents wouldn’t be ashamed to call him their son.
Everything comes to a halt when Yamashita pulls him out of the art room one day, his brows pulled together and a frown on his face. “Inoo Kei had a breakdown today during group therapy,” Hikaru’s eyes widen, “I shouldn’t be doing this, but he hasn’t had an episode since he came here, and you’ve seem to have had a positive influence on him.”
Yamashita leads him away from the art room and through the hallways, towards a set of double doors that lead to the isolation rooms. Hikaru has never been here before, but he’s heard about it from Yuta and Miyata, and truthfully, it’s a lot creepier than he had imagined. Yamashita opens the door and they continue walking, reaching the end of the hallway before Yamashita stops. “I should warn you, Kei has been restrained with a straight jacket.”
The doors opens, and Hikaru sees that Inoo curled up on a small bed, his back pressed against the wall. His arms are bound, of course, and he’s staring off into space, quietly muttering to himself. This is the most schizophrenic Hikaru has ever seen Inoo, and it scares him and worries him but he pushes those feelings aside, and walks over to the boy.
Inoo doesn’t seem to notice him, so Hikaru gets closer, sitting on the bed in front of him. From this angle, he can see a large strip of gauze covering Inoo’s forehead, and he looks back at Yamashita, confused.
“He hit his head against the wall a few times before we were able to sedate him,” Yamashita answers, “It’s not too serious of a wound, he did need stitches but he’s not concussed at all.”
Hikaru nods and turns back towards Inoo. Carefully, he lays his hands on Inoo’s knees, hoping to get the boy’s attention. He doesn’t, and Inoo’s mutterings become louder, clearer, and Hikaru can see a few tears streaking down his cheeks.
Yamashita begins to walk over, but Hikaru stops him, whispering in a hoarse voice, “Inoo.”
Inoo’s eyes dart over to his, and he begins to shake.
“Kei,” Hikaru coughs, four months, one week and three days of being silent causing him a lot of discomfort, but he pushes past it, “It’s okay, I’m here.”
Inoo’s breathing begins to calm down, and he’s quiet, but still shaking and crying. “It’s okay,” Hikaru says again, “You’re okay.”
Inoo stops shaking but begins to sob, and Hikaru moves to sit next to the boy, pulling him into his arms when he does and Inoo buries his face into his next, his tears wetting Hikaru’s skin.
Hikaru continues to speak to Inoo, his voice slowly becoming smoother and Yamashita stands by the door, amazed.
“So, you talk now?” Yuta asks him at dinner, after Hikaru sits down in front of him and says ‘hi’. He looks over at Miyata, surprised, and Miyata just shrugs and continues eating.
Hikaru shrugs, and nearly chugs his water down. His throat is killing him right now and so he reverts back to silence, but just knowing that he has his words back means so much to him.
It also worries him too, though, because now Yamashita will expect to find out why he hates his own skin so much, and he’s not sure if he’s ready to tell that story.
Inoo is kept in isolation for three days, and each of those days Hikaru visits him, under Yamashita’s supervision of course. Hikaru talks to Inoo, short sentences because he’s still getting used to speaking again, but it seems to make Inoo happy, who finally smiles after two days. When Inoo is released, Yamashita grants him permission to take Inoo into the music room, and the two sit at the piano, Inoo rubbing his arms and stretching his fingers.
“Straight jackets must suck,” Hikaru says and Inoo nods, cracking his knuckles. “Can I ask what happened?”
“You just kind of did,” Inoo responds, “I don’t know, usually I can ignore them.”
“Ignore who?”
“The voices, in my head,” Inoo chuckles after seeing the expression on Hikaru’s face, “I told you I was a schizo, and yet you look so surprised.”
Hikaru shrugs, “You just, never really acted like it.”
“That’s true, I don’t like being another stereotype,” Inoo says with amusement, and Hikaru rolls his eyes.
“I’ve been schizo all my life, really, and I’ve always,” Inoo frowns, “More or less, have been able to ignore the voices. Usually they aren’t so bad though, some of them can be quite friendly. I try to keep my conversations with them silent though, for obvious reasons.”
“Are there voices which aren’t friendly?”
“Of course, and that’s why I’m here,” Inoo lays his fingers on the keys, “I used to be a concert pianist, probably could have gone somewhere too, but the older I got, the worse my condition became. When I was a kid, I didn’t mind the voices, and when I was a teen they would sometimes be mean to me but I could ignore them. After I turned nineteen though, they got really bad, and trying to ignore them so I could practice my music was nearly impossible.”
Hikaru scoots closer to Inoo, his hand resting on the boy’s thigh. “I saw a psychiatrist, got on some anti-psychotic medication and for awhile I felt better.”
“The medication didn’t work though?” Hikaru guesses, and Inoo nods.
“No, the voices got so loud and I couldn’t do anything. My head constantly hurt, and any kind of sound just felt like someone stabbing me in the temple,” Inoo pressed one of the piano keys, “I couldn’t play the piano anymore, couldn’t see my friends or my family, and eventually I just snapped,” Inoo pauses, reaching up and lifting away his bangs, and opposite of the white gauze, Hikaru can see a series small, jagged lines.
“I hit my head against a wall until I passed out, and when I woke up, I was here. My parents never knew I had a problem until then, and they didn’t know how to handle it, so they admitted me here,” Inoo moves his hand and his bangs drop down, “And that’s my story.
Hikaru sniffles, holding back his urge to cry and hold Inoo as close as possible. He’s aware that the music teacher is watching them out of the corner of his eye, while he helps another patient with learning guitar chords. The boy gets frustrated though, and finally the teacher looks away from them.
Looking back into Inoo’s eyes, Hikaru leans forward, not thinking, just feeling, and presses his lips against Inoo’s. He holds them there for only a second and then pulls back, seeing the surprised look in Inoo’s eyes.
Hikaru doesn’t say anything, doesn’t think he could with how quickly his heart is beating. He breaks eye contact with Inoo and stares at his lap, and a moment of silence passes until Inoo begins to play, and for once he recognizes the classical piece Inoo has chosen.
It’s Für Elise, and if he remembers correctly, this is a love song.
Yamashita smiles at him as he enters the room, and with a small ‘hello’ he sits down in front of the other’s desk. “I got to say, seeing you finally talk is amazing.”
Hikaru nods, but it’s half hearted. He’s insanely nervous right now, dreading that Yamashita will start prying into his past. To his surprise though, he doesn’t, but brings up Inoo instead.
“You two have had a really interesting impact on each other, I must say,” Yamashita folds his hands on his desk, “Rarely do we see friendships like that formed here, which is a shame, I think. We all need a good friend in our life, to help pick us back up when we’re down. Do you think you’ve found that in Kei?”
“Yes,” Hikaru immediately answers, and then adds, “I think, if Kei and I were friends when I was back in school, I wouldn’t have hurt myself.”
Yamashita nods, and Hikaru continues, his nerves still there but not gripping him like before, “I think, I wouldn’t have been so scared, and ashamed, and hated myself so much. I wouldn’t want to scream every time I look in the mirror.”
Hikaru pauses, taking a deep breath, “If I had had a friend like Kei, I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself.”
Hikaru finds himself scratching at his wrist while he’s outside with Inoo, the boy looking at him every now and then in concern. He’s not scratching because he’s scared though, or thinking about the past. He’s trying to keep his hand occupied, so that it doesn’t reach over and grab Inoo’s hand.
They haven’t talked about the kiss, not that Hikaru was really expecting them too, but still. He wonders what Inoo is thinking right now, and if any of those thoughts have to do with him.
“Stop that,” Inoo frowns and grabs his hand, squeezing it, “You’re not supposed to be scratching at yourself.”
“Sorry,” Hikaru apologizes awkwardly, and can’t help but smile when Inoo laces their fingers together. “Um,” he starts, but then stops, silently cursing himself. He feels like a damned school girl right now, spluttering and blushing over her handsome crush.
“I know,” Inoo stops walking, and Hikaru follows, looking over at him. A few quiet moments pass by, Hikaru watching Inoo expectantly. “Kei?” he asks after a couple of minutes, and Inoo sighs, letting go of his hand.
“You’re really nice Hikaru, and with the improvement you’ve been making, you’ll be out of this place in no time. Me,” Inoo turns towards him, “Not so much. Move on, okay.”
Inoo walks away, leaving Hikaru alone and he feels himself falling, his stomach plummeting and tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
He reaches for his arm, but then stops, letting it fall back to his side.
“What happened?” Yuta asks him at lunch, brushing his long bangs out of his eyes. Miyata sits beside him, his chin resting in his palm as he yawns.
“Nothing,” Hikaru responds, poking around at his food.
Hikaru notices with a start that he hasn’t had a nightmare in over a week, as he grabs his cups of pills. Looking at them for a second, Hikaru grabs the green pill and hides it in his pillow case, before taking the rest.
To his amazement, he feels perfectly fine, and so he does this for a few more days. After nearly a week without his anti-depressants, Hikaru feels okay, normal, like himself again.
He still misses Inoo like hell though.
“Can I talk to you?” Hikaru asks as he approaches Inoo, trying to keep his breathing in check. His nerves are all over the place, but he has to do this, and he wonders if Inoo can see it in his eyes because the boy nods, and Hikaru sits beside him, leaning against the tree. “I like you,” Hikaru starts, and begins rolling up his right sleeve, the arm he originally wanted to hide from Inoo, but now wants to show, “And I want you to be the first person I tell this story too. So, please listen?”
Inoo stares down at his wrist, his mouth opened in a silent gasp as he reaches forward, touching the scar there. Hikaru shivers at the touch, but allows it, watching Inoo’s fingers travel down the length of his wrist and a few inches into his forearm.
“I left my hometown when I was eighteen, after high school, to attend university in Tokyo. I wanted to be a pediatrician, and was so excited to start learning. I didn’t have many friends at my school, but it was okay, because I met this great guy,” Hikaru swallows past the lump in his throat, and clenches his fists, “I’d never been in love before, and really, I should have known it was too good to be true.”
Hikaru sniffles, “The happiness didn’t last long, not after he, he,” Hikaru stops, closing his eyes as he breathes in. When he opens them, he sees Inoo looking at him in concern, and with love too, he thinks, which gives him the courage to continue, “He raped me. I tried to fight back but, I don’t know, after so much screaming and crying I just kind of gave up. That wasn’t the first time, either, he kept doing it over and over again, always touching me and I felt like,” Hikaru digs his nails into his palms, “He was always there, on my skin and staining it. I hated it, that feeling, and I tried to scratch it away, burn it, cut it, but nothing worked.”
“So you slit your wrist, instead,” Inoo says, his fingers still on the raised skin and Hikaru nods, shaking a little, “I just wanted it gone, and I thought the only way I could get rid of it was by being dead.”
Inoo is quiet, and Hikaru can see that there are tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, “I lived though, barely, and ended up being admitted here after the doctors saw my arms, legs, everything. No one knew about what happened though, and I tried to tell them but I couldn’t talk, I mean physically I just,” Hikaru deflates, his shoulders sinking, “I had no words, and after I got admitted here, I didn’t really want to have any. I didn’t want anyone to see my dirty skin, so I kept quiet, until you broke down and were in isolation.”
“Hikaru,” Inoo says with a whisper, his voice thick, “Why…”
“I told you, I like you. You make me feel less hideous, less crazy, more like who I used to be before I met that guy. I think I might kind of love you, I don’t know. My first time around isn’t a good experience to go off of,” Hikaru chuckles quietly, “That was kind of awful to laugh at, huh?”
“Yeah, but then again,” Inoo smiles slightly, “This is coming from the guy who’s in love with a schizo.”
“True,” Hikaru snickers, and Inoo joins in, leaning against each other as they fall into a laughing fit. It takes them awhile, but once they’ve settled down, Hikaru is happy to see their hands clasped together.
“Thank you for telling me,” Inoo says quietly, his chin tucked on Hikaru’s shoulder, “I hope you’ll tell Yamashita next, that way you can get out of here and on with your life.”
“I will,” Hikaru promises, and then asks, biting his lip, “If a depressing, suicidal kid falls in love with a schizo, do you think it’s possible that a schizo could love him back?”
Inoo shrugs, and Hikaru nods, accepting fate for what it is, but then Inoo says, “We missed White Day, you know.”
“What’s the point,” Hikaru smiles, “There’s no girls around to give chocolates too.”
“I have you though, and you’re kind of girly.”
Hikaru’s heart jumps, and he resists his urge to tackle Inoo to the ground and smother him with kisses, snickering instead as he says, “If anyone is girly here, it’s you Kei. You’re just sooooo pretty~.”
Inoo pinches his side and Hikaru laughs, feeling a huge weight being lifted off his shoulders.
He keeps his promise to Inoo and tells Yamashita his story, and it’s been a little over five months since he had been admitted to the hospital. Another month passes until Yamashita congratulates him and says he’s ready to be discharged.
“You’re going home?” Yuta asks him and he nods, smiling so wide it hurts. The boy tackles him with a hug, and Hikaru holds him close, knowing he’ll never forget him. He hugs Miyata too, who wishes him good luck back out in the real world, and Hikaru thanks him, before making the two promise they’ll come see him when they’re released.
He tells Inoo next, who kisses his cheek when the nurse turns away and runs a hand through his hair, telling Hikaru how proud he is with tears in his eyes. Hikaru brushes them away when they fall down Inoo’s cheeks, and although he’s so happy, he knows he’s going to miss Inoo terribly. Thankfully though, Yamashita gave him a schedule of when visitors are allowed to come, and he knows he’s going to take full advantage of those days until Inoo is also released.
Putting on the clothes he wore when he first came here, Hikaru laughs when he sees that his jeans are a bit tighter around the thighs.
“Gosh, you’re such a fatass,” Yuta teases him, giving him one last hug before the nurse whisks him away. The two meet Yamashita, and Inoo, in front of the doors that lead to waiting room. They enter, and Hikaru sees his mother for the first time in over six months.
“Good luck out there Hikaru,” Yamashita interrupts his thoughts, and Hikaru turns back towards him. The two shake hands, and then Yamashita steps away, allowing Inoo to come forward.
Without a word the two embrace, clinging to each other and Hikaru begins crying, “I promise I’ll come visit you, and when you get released,” when, not if, because Hikaru knows Inoo is strong enough to get through this, “I’ll be here to get you, and we’ll celebrate holidays properly and -”
Inoo stops his rant with a kiss, and Hikaru cries harder, but returns the kiss, not caring who’s watching. When they break apart, their grips loosen on each other, and Inoo pecks him one last time before saying, “I love you too, Hikaru.”
Hikaru smiles, and waves to Inoo and Yamashita as they leave with the nurse. Turning back towards his Mom, he rushes over to her and hugs her, smiling as he buries his face into her coat, breathing in the familiar scent.
“It’s so good to have you back, Hikaru,” his Mom pats his back, and Hikaru nods, sighing in content.
“It’s good to be back.”