(no subject)

[hotfreaks]

For the first time in my life - I NEED a vacation. I feel like I haven't exhaled since March, when the record came out. Since then, my entire being has been focused on the band - booking shows, handling press, arranging practices, having strategy sessions, etc. I talked about "markets" and shows being "lucrative." I realized how topsy-turvy my world has become when I went to dinner with a friend this week. I almost couldn't hold a conversation with him; it was like my brain had become so accustomed to worrying about band shit that talking about the mundanities of life was like a foreign language. I felt like I was visiting someone I hadn't seen in years instead of weeks - that kind of awkward. When I hang out down my friends' place now, every reference point has become tied into the band - what we laughed about in the van, what bands Zach is in to, who we played with in Cincinnati. My life has become completely swallowed. The weirdest part is that I specifically set out for this to happen; I needed the ability to sink myself into this so I could take advantage of whatever hypothetical possibilities might lie before us. But instead, on some days, I'm devoured by frustration when I see that Billy didn't lie awake last night wondering why we didn't get invited to play Forecastle Fest and I did. I set myself up for nothing but aggravation.

I really need a literal and figurative vacation...but I know that I'll never be able to take one. I'm completely incapable of relaxation on any level...if I gave myself a week off to do absolutely nothing, I'd spend it compulsively scouring other bands tour itineraries to find new venues we haven't tried. I fear I've tied this band into my personal self-esteem too tightly at this point to ever DREAM of trusting it's advancement to anyone else.

Calgon...take me away?