Inspiration of the Broken-Hearted?

Dec 11, 2009 13:53

I've never felt a greater loss than this. And I technically haven't lost anything. I'm anticipating it, but it's not certain to happen. Still, the pessimist in me won't stop cursing. I never thought I would ever love someone as I've grown to love him. And when I did imagine myself loving someone with every fiber of my very being...I didn't imagine they would be so extraordinarily ordinary. How can someone like him have such unexplainable power over someone like me? But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I'm the ordinary one. He knows exactly what he's doing to me...because I've told him what something like this would do to me. And yet here I am...coming apart at the seams. And even though I have the needle and thread in my hand, the secret of the stitch lies with him.

I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling right now. It blossoms as fear which wanders into confusion that melts into pure sadness before expanding into refined anger. I wanna scream and cause physical damage to inanimate objects and release my anger and frustration as exerted force and then I just feel like lying motionless and letting the sadness bleed out of me and evaporate into the air.

I've been through this before...but what always gets me the most is the aftermath. When the dust settles and he's back and we're supposed to resume our lives. I never know how to act. And I fear that I'm such a sucker for him, I'll probably be so relieved to have him back I'll just blow off all my suffering. Then deep down I'll just hate myself for being such a pushover.

I guess I have lots of time to think. Because who knows how long he'll decide to play up this game. Or even, if it'll ever end really. Another Kyle scenario. But as they say: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." This will NOT happen again.
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