A cup of Stephanie
I have never been so completely happy, so completely excited, and so completely satisfied with anything as I am right now, 3 weeks from university. This has much to do with the feeling that I am setting goals, moving forward on those goals, and seeing things, little by little, fall into place as I want them to.
This isn't to say that I have everything planned out, or that I never feel nervous, or that I don't have any doubts about my abilities. But I have left the too-long period of indecisiveness behind; the time when I was making short-term goals with no real path forward. In that last few years, I've never looked more than 4 months ahead. I moved 6 times in one year. Picking up and putting down again, and never completely unpacking my things; I always had a feeling that in a few months time I would have to do it all again.
When I get to Calgary, I know that I will be there, be established, for the next 8 years. For a 'nester' such as myself... this makes me unbelievably content. I have gained entrance to a program which I never would have considered in high school -because the main thing back then was to get school 'done with' as soon as possible, and get on with 'life'. Life, of course, meant getting married and having kids.
I don't regret being out of school, floating, for these few years. It has given me a chance to analyse what I really want out of life and get to know myself a little bit better. How could I know at 17 what I wanted to aspire to as a career? I felt called to do something creative... and the only outlet I considered was Interior Design. I didn't look at my options, I was too busy carrying on a long-distance relationship. In truth, I don't think I was ready to take on post-secondary education back then.
I know that this time when I go back to school, it will be my school, my program, my choice. I will not have done it for anyone but myself, and that makes it every little bit more special. I did not consider whether anyone else would want me to move back to Calgary, or whether someone had a problem with my choice of study, or whether I could have settled at a different university for a different program, which might possibly one day get me close to the place I want to be. I am on a direct path to my career, and nothing is throwing me off.
Belonging somewhere is a really important thing to me. If something doesn't feel 'right', there is no way I can force myself to be completely at ease with the decision. I know that not all decisions are easy to make, hell, I can tell you right now that deciding to break up with Trevor was the HARDEST decision I've ever had to make. But since that time... although there have been many ups and downs, and difficult things to face, and harsh realisations about being alone; i have always had an underlying foundation of 'you did the right thing'. And everything since that day in December has gone decidedly the right way.
I am young, I am 20, and before I commit myself to a family, to another person, I commit myself to me.
I don't even so much mind being alone anymore. I have a wonderful group of friends. They drive me nuts, they do things that annoy the bejesus out of me, but I love them and I know they love me too. My family, in it's strange, disociated way, has developed a closeness that we never had when everyone was together. I have the cutest dog in the world, and at night he lies down next to my bed, and in the morning he looks at me and wags his tail. I have an awesome boss who is also a friend, and treats me like an equal.
And I sometimes don't think there's room for any more love in my life.
I can see on the horizon, not so much a distinct picture of what life will be like after school, but beautiful colors and shapes that, no matter how they come together in the end, are sure to mean that I have lived a life full of happiness.
This isn't to say that I have everything planned out, or that I never feel nervous, or that I don't have any doubts about my abilities. But I have left the too-long period of indecisiveness behind; the time when I was making short-term goals with no real path forward. In that last few years, I've never looked more than 4 months ahead. I moved 6 times in one year. Picking up and putting down again, and never completely unpacking my things; I always had a feeling that in a few months time I would have to do it all again.
When I get to Calgary, I know that I will be there, be established, for the next 8 years. For a 'nester' such as myself... this makes me unbelievably content. I have gained entrance to a program which I never would have considered in high school -because the main thing back then was to get school 'done with' as soon as possible, and get on with 'life'. Life, of course, meant getting married and having kids.
I don't regret being out of school, floating, for these few years. It has given me a chance to analyse what I really want out of life and get to know myself a little bit better. How could I know at 17 what I wanted to aspire to as a career? I felt called to do something creative... and the only outlet I considered was Interior Design. I didn't look at my options, I was too busy carrying on a long-distance relationship. In truth, I don't think I was ready to take on post-secondary education back then.
I know that this time when I go back to school, it will be my school, my program, my choice. I will not have done it for anyone but myself, and that makes it every little bit more special. I did not consider whether anyone else would want me to move back to Calgary, or whether someone had a problem with my choice of study, or whether I could have settled at a different university for a different program, which might possibly one day get me close to the place I want to be. I am on a direct path to my career, and nothing is throwing me off.
Belonging somewhere is a really important thing to me. If something doesn't feel 'right', there is no way I can force myself to be completely at ease with the decision. I know that not all decisions are easy to make, hell, I can tell you right now that deciding to break up with Trevor was the HARDEST decision I've ever had to make. But since that time... although there have been many ups and downs, and difficult things to face, and harsh realisations about being alone; i have always had an underlying foundation of 'you did the right thing'. And everything since that day in December has gone decidedly the right way.
I am young, I am 20, and before I commit myself to a family, to another person, I commit myself to me.
I don't even so much mind being alone anymore. I have a wonderful group of friends. They drive me nuts, they do things that annoy the bejesus out of me, but I love them and I know they love me too. My family, in it's strange, disociated way, has developed a closeness that we never had when everyone was together. I have the cutest dog in the world, and at night he lies down next to my bed, and in the morning he looks at me and wags his tail. I have an awesome boss who is also a friend, and treats me like an equal.
And I sometimes don't think there's room for any more love in my life.
I can see on the horizon, not so much a distinct picture of what life will be like after school, but beautiful colors and shapes that, no matter how they come together in the end, are sure to mean that I have lived a life full of happiness.