Fanfic: Lies and Trust (Hotch & Rossi)
Title: Lies and Trust
Author:
hotch_fan
Rating: FRM.
Characters: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi.
Disclaimer: I don't owe Criminal Minds or any of its characters.
Spoilers: 7x01 "It Takes a Village."
Summary: When you do something like that, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else.
Notes: Thanks to nebula2 for the beta.
*****
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." - George MacDonald.
Hotch got home that night, after more than ten hours of flight, only to come and participate in a race against time to find Doyle's son, breaking nearly every rule ever made by the FBI in the process (which he knew would have consequences, very big consequences, but didn't want to think about it, at least not for the next hour or so) and on the top of that, as if everything that had happened was not enough, have to throw a bomb to his team, his family.
He had to acknowledge that tonight; he had seen exactly what made this team one of the best. Because in spite of all the pain, the sense of betrayal, and all the feelings that were running from the moment he had told them Emily Prentiss was alive, this team, his team had been able to work together with the sole purpose of saving that boy's life.
When he got home, he had almost unconsciously got a drink, walked tiredly towards the living room and collapsed on the couch. Turning on the TV, the news was on, but he had no energy or desire to watch it. He had been home less than ten minutes when there was a knock at the door.
He didn't have to wonder who it was, he knew.
There were a lot of things he didn't want think about now, one of them; perhaps the strongest and most painful one was David Rossi. Because as much as he loved the team, Dave was not only his friend, he was his lover and he had lied to him.
Hotch lowered his gaze, looking at the glass of scotch on his hands. For the first time on his life, he had at his side someone who understood him. Who understood his work, his desire and need to do something to stop the psychopaths and murderers who killed innocent people, Stop them and do everything he could to make sure they received the punishment they deserved. And now, now he was scared, terrified of losing that.
There was a stronger knock at the door, bringing him back from his musings. Wearily Hotch took a huge sip of his drink before getting up and walking toward the door.
When Hotch opened the door, he found Dave standing in front of him, with a relaxed expression on his face.
"Took you long enough," Dave growled, without any real heat. "I thought I would have to break the door down to get inside."
That, more than anything put Hotch at ease, because Dave didn't sound angry. He had seen him really angry, and this wasn't even close.
Dave arched an eyebrow. "Are you going to let me in or what?"
That brought Hotch out of the frozen state that he had been in.
"I... of course," Hotch said quietly, stepping aside.
"Seems I got here just in time," Dave commented dryly, eyeing the almost empty glass on the coffee table.
Hotch didn't respond, he just closed the door of his apartment. Hotch took a shaky breath urging himself to turn around and face whatever Dave was going to say.
Finally, he turned around and watched Dave walking towards the drinks cabinet.
"Dave I-" Hotch stared, only to be cut off by Dave, who raised a hand to brush off whatever he was going to say.
"Save it," Dave said a bit too harsh, even to his own ears.
Dave shook his head watching the hurt look that appeared on his lover's face just for a second, before being replaced by that thin and smooth blank mask that had become legendary over the years and continued with a more gentle voice.
"I know what you're gonna say and I don't wanna hear it."
Hotch watched him pour the amber liquid into a glass, and drink from it without saying a word.
Glass in hand, Dave walked toward Hotch but didn't speak until he was face to face with him.
"I didn't come here to hear you apologize non-stop for doing your job, saving not only Prentiss' life, but quite likely the whole team's life." Dave watched with a hint of sadness and annoyance how Hotch ducked his head at the recognition, but decided not to comment. "I came here to talk about what happened, just to talk, okay?"
Hotch nodded slowly. "Okay."
Dave nodded toward the couch and Hotch walked toward it and sat down. Immediately Dave went behind, sitting almost at the other end of the couch.
After leaving his glass on the coffee table, Dave reached for the remote to turn off the TV.
Hotch didn't turn his head to look at Dave once his lover had sat down. He just couldn't look at him, so he kept his gaze fixed on his hands, waiting for Dave to start.
They remained in a not-so comfortable silence for a long time, until Dave started talking again.
"I know you already told us what happened that night today at the BAU, but I want to hear everything."
Hotch lifted his gaze, looking at Dave with a frown. He did not understand what Dave intended by this, but feeling that was the least he could do, he nodded and started telling him what had happened the night Emily Prentiss had died.
"The decision was taken by the CIA and the Department of Defense. JJ got a call from his boss telling her that the Secretary of State had reviewed and approved the plan they had created. They told her because they wanted her to be Prentiss' contact with Department of Defense. As Prentiss' supervisor, they allowed JJ to to tell me what would happen. She asked me what I thought, if I believed it was the right decision, she asked me what would Doyle do if Emily lived... and I told her the truth, that Doyle wouldn't stop until he found his son, putting not only Prentiss' life on the line, but the lives of everyone she cared about. That he wouldn't hesitate on take out anyone who was in his way."
Hotch still remembered the pale and frightened look on JJ's face when he had told her that everyone's life would be in danger. It was a look he had never seen on her face, only compared to the one she had had when Reid had been taken by Hankel. He shook his head, urging himself to focus.
"After showing our badges we convinced a nurse to take us to talk to the hospital director. We explained him the situation without telling him Emily' name and with the least detail possible, and he agreed to help us with anything we needed. He told us the doctors had managed to stabilize her and repair the damage suffered by the wound on her abdomen and she was going to be transferred to intensive care." Hotch paused, looking at Dave's face carefully.
"We waited for a while, and thanks to the intervention of the director they allowed JJ to go in. She said Emily was barely conscious because of the anesthetic, but agreed when JJ explained things. When she came out he told me Emily had accepted and then she took care of the rest. When I came back I told you all JJ was outside on the phone."
Dave nodded remembering. They had been there for hours and without any indication of how much more they will have to wait, so Hotch had excused, saying he had to go outside to call Jessica. JJ had almost just come back after receiving a call, but had gone as well, saying she should call home too.
It had been over 15 minutes until Hotch came back without making any comment, and at Garcia's question about JJ, Hotch had replied she had gotten a work call she had had to take.
Dave looked at the younger man and nodded slightly for him to continue.
Hotch continued without looking at him, voice steady.
"Then JJ returned and said she hadn't made it off the table. I caught her gaze for a second and..." Hotch trailed off, his voice cracking. "And I knew it, I knew she was lying and then Penelope started crying and I couldn't stand it, I got out of there."
Dave looked at the man in front of him, wanting to offer comfort but unable to do so.
Hotch took a shaking breath, running his fingers through his hair before continuing. "JJ went where I was and told me the doctors had stabilized her enough to be transported. They were going to take her out in an ambulance to a small airstrip nearby where a private jet would be waiting for her. As I already said to the team, she was transported from Boston to Bethesda and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel."
Dave rubbed his forehead with his hand without saying anything, absorbing all the information Hotch had given him.
"Do you remember that night, almost three weeks later when JJ called me?" Hotch asked, breaking the silence.
Dave frowned, thinking. Then he remembered, it had been almost midnight when she had called, asking Hotch if they could meet. Dave had asked him what that was about, but Hotch had only shrugged getting out of bed and putting on a pair of worn out jeans and a sweatshirt. When Hotch returned, about an hour later he had only said JJ had had a little argument with Will and need someone to talk to, brushing off Dave's questions. Dave guessed, with a hint of annoyance, that he was about to find out the truth.
Watching Dave nodding he kept talking. "She had just left the airport when she called. She had gone to London to meet with Emily and give her passports and money and needed someone to talk."
"I'm so sorry, I really am. I wanted to tell you all the truth, watching them all suffer and mourn over the supposed death of their friend, their family I wanted to tell them more than anything Emily was alive, but I couldn't." Hotch's voice sounded almost pleading, begging Dave to understand.
Dave threw his arms around Aaron, and felt the younger man arms go around him in a tight grip. Aaron wasn't gonna cry, Dave knew him better than that but he wanted to offer him some comfort.
"There were nights when I lay awake, watching you sleep, and I just wanted, needed to tell you. Sometimes I even reached out to wake you and had to stop, telling myself I was doing this to protect you, to protect the whole team."
Dave didn't answer, he just tightened his grip.
It was Hotch who pulled away first, not meeting Dave's gaze.
"I'm not going to tell you everything is okay and doesn't affect me, ´cause that's bullshit and we both know it. Of course it affected me, how could it not? I'm fucking happy she's alive, but I'm angry and hurt because you didn't tell me. We sleep together every night and that was not enough for you to trust me." Dave watched Hotch open his mouth to protest, but raised a hand to stop him. "I know this has nothing to do with trust or what you wanted to do. I know it's irrational, but that's how I feel and I can't change it."
Hotch rubbed a hand over his face and nodded.
"Then- then I remember it's you, and I remember how much this has affected you. The sleepless nights, the weight loss, excessive weariness and worry and the knowledge of what would happen when this was known, and I can't do anything but admire you. Admire your dedication to do this job and your determination and courage to protect the people you love."
Hotch's head snapped up. He hadn't been expecting hear something like that.
"Don't get me wrong, all this is shit, and of course it hurts having been lied to, but it was for greater good, as it's said. Besides, from everyone in the team I'm probably the only one who knows and understand why you did what you did. I've had to lie or hide things about this work to the people I love. I don't envy the position where you're right now."
Dave paused, remembering what he had told his friend, father Jimmy on an occasion, after a very bad case. ´When you do something like this, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else.´
Watching the haunted man in front of him, looking at the sharp lines around his eyes and mouth, the dark circles under his eyes, he knew it. He knew that what his lover needed was to feel better, to feel... to feel like a good person. To feel worthy of the respect and admiration the team had always felt for him. And he can give it to him; at least for tonight.
"Listen to me, and listen very carefully. You did the right thing; you did the only thing you could have done under the circumstances. You kept Emily and the team safe. Are they angry and hurt now? Of course they are, and will be for a while, but once the shock and all the emotions have passed and they can really think things through, they will realize it was the best thing to do."
Hotch stared at him, a mix of relief, hope and love in his deep brown eyes. Hotch's lips curled up ever so slightly in a tired but genuine smile.
Dave reached for his glass, draining the last of it before standing up, offering a hand to his lover.
"Come on, we should go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day with all the fun and games of the highest commands; we should have at least a couple hours of sleep."
Hotch took Dave's hand, giving a slight squeeze. "Thank you."
Dave just shrugged and they walked toward the bedroom together.
"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" - Walter Anderson.
*****
Notes: -I apologize if there are some inconsistencies or this is plain impossible, my knowledge of United States Government procedure is pretty poor, so I just wrote what I thought sounded good and made sense in my head.
...and if any of you are House fans I'm sure you already figured out that I took this phrase from House MD: "When you do what I did, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else. If not God, or society, a friend. Otherwise you go crazy. What you said to me up there, thank you." said by Wilson to House in the episode 6x06 Known Unknowns. I edited it a bit but the gist of the phrase is there.
Author:
hotch_fan
Rating: FRM.
Characters: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi.
Disclaimer: I don't owe Criminal Minds or any of its characters.
Spoilers: 7x01 "It Takes a Village."
Summary: When you do something like that, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else.
Notes: Thanks to nebula2 for the beta.
*****
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." - George MacDonald.
Hotch got home that night, after more than ten hours of flight, only to come and participate in a race against time to find Doyle's son, breaking nearly every rule ever made by the FBI in the process (which he knew would have consequences, very big consequences, but didn't want to think about it, at least not for the next hour or so) and on the top of that, as if everything that had happened was not enough, have to throw a bomb to his team, his family.
He had to acknowledge that tonight; he had seen exactly what made this team one of the best. Because in spite of all the pain, the sense of betrayal, and all the feelings that were running from the moment he had told them Emily Prentiss was alive, this team, his team had been able to work together with the sole purpose of saving that boy's life.
When he got home, he had almost unconsciously got a drink, walked tiredly towards the living room and collapsed on the couch. Turning on the TV, the news was on, but he had no energy or desire to watch it. He had been home less than ten minutes when there was a knock at the door.
He didn't have to wonder who it was, he knew.
There were a lot of things he didn't want think about now, one of them; perhaps the strongest and most painful one was David Rossi. Because as much as he loved the team, Dave was not only his friend, he was his lover and he had lied to him.
Hotch lowered his gaze, looking at the glass of scotch on his hands. For the first time on his life, he had at his side someone who understood him. Who understood his work, his desire and need to do something to stop the psychopaths and murderers who killed innocent people, Stop them and do everything he could to make sure they received the punishment they deserved. And now, now he was scared, terrified of losing that.
There was a stronger knock at the door, bringing him back from his musings. Wearily Hotch took a huge sip of his drink before getting up and walking toward the door.
When Hotch opened the door, he found Dave standing in front of him, with a relaxed expression on his face.
"Took you long enough," Dave growled, without any real heat. "I thought I would have to break the door down to get inside."
That, more than anything put Hotch at ease, because Dave didn't sound angry. He had seen him really angry, and this wasn't even close.
Dave arched an eyebrow. "Are you going to let me in or what?"
That brought Hotch out of the frozen state that he had been in.
"I... of course," Hotch said quietly, stepping aside.
"Seems I got here just in time," Dave commented dryly, eyeing the almost empty glass on the coffee table.
Hotch didn't respond, he just closed the door of his apartment. Hotch took a shaky breath urging himself to turn around and face whatever Dave was going to say.
Finally, he turned around and watched Dave walking towards the drinks cabinet.
"Dave I-" Hotch stared, only to be cut off by Dave, who raised a hand to brush off whatever he was going to say.
"Save it," Dave said a bit too harsh, even to his own ears.
Dave shook his head watching the hurt look that appeared on his lover's face just for a second, before being replaced by that thin and smooth blank mask that had become legendary over the years and continued with a more gentle voice.
"I know what you're gonna say and I don't wanna hear it."
Hotch watched him pour the amber liquid into a glass, and drink from it without saying a word.
Glass in hand, Dave walked toward Hotch but didn't speak until he was face to face with him.
"I didn't come here to hear you apologize non-stop for doing your job, saving not only Prentiss' life, but quite likely the whole team's life." Dave watched with a hint of sadness and annoyance how Hotch ducked his head at the recognition, but decided not to comment. "I came here to talk about what happened, just to talk, okay?"
Hotch nodded slowly. "Okay."
Dave nodded toward the couch and Hotch walked toward it and sat down. Immediately Dave went behind, sitting almost at the other end of the couch.
After leaving his glass on the coffee table, Dave reached for the remote to turn off the TV.
Hotch didn't turn his head to look at Dave once his lover had sat down. He just couldn't look at him, so he kept his gaze fixed on his hands, waiting for Dave to start.
They remained in a not-so comfortable silence for a long time, until Dave started talking again.
"I know you already told us what happened that night today at the BAU, but I want to hear everything."
Hotch lifted his gaze, looking at Dave with a frown. He did not understand what Dave intended by this, but feeling that was the least he could do, he nodded and started telling him what had happened the night Emily Prentiss had died.
"The decision was taken by the CIA and the Department of Defense. JJ got a call from his boss telling her that the Secretary of State had reviewed and approved the plan they had created. They told her because they wanted her to be Prentiss' contact with Department of Defense. As Prentiss' supervisor, they allowed JJ to to tell me what would happen. She asked me what I thought, if I believed it was the right decision, she asked me what would Doyle do if Emily lived... and I told her the truth, that Doyle wouldn't stop until he found his son, putting not only Prentiss' life on the line, but the lives of everyone she cared about. That he wouldn't hesitate on take out anyone who was in his way."
Hotch still remembered the pale and frightened look on JJ's face when he had told her that everyone's life would be in danger. It was a look he had never seen on her face, only compared to the one she had had when Reid had been taken by Hankel. He shook his head, urging himself to focus.
"After showing our badges we convinced a nurse to take us to talk to the hospital director. We explained him the situation without telling him Emily' name and with the least detail possible, and he agreed to help us with anything we needed. He told us the doctors had managed to stabilize her and repair the damage suffered by the wound on her abdomen and she was going to be transferred to intensive care." Hotch paused, looking at Dave's face carefully.
"We waited for a while, and thanks to the intervention of the director they allowed JJ to go in. She said Emily was barely conscious because of the anesthetic, but agreed when JJ explained things. When she came out he told me Emily had accepted and then she took care of the rest. When I came back I told you all JJ was outside on the phone."
Dave nodded remembering. They had been there for hours and without any indication of how much more they will have to wait, so Hotch had excused, saying he had to go outside to call Jessica. JJ had almost just come back after receiving a call, but had gone as well, saying she should call home too.
It had been over 15 minutes until Hotch came back without making any comment, and at Garcia's question about JJ, Hotch had replied she had gotten a work call she had had to take.
Dave looked at the younger man and nodded slightly for him to continue.
Hotch continued without looking at him, voice steady.
"Then JJ returned and said she hadn't made it off the table. I caught her gaze for a second and..." Hotch trailed off, his voice cracking. "And I knew it, I knew she was lying and then Penelope started crying and I couldn't stand it, I got out of there."
Dave looked at the man in front of him, wanting to offer comfort but unable to do so.
Hotch took a shaking breath, running his fingers through his hair before continuing. "JJ went where I was and told me the doctors had stabilized her enough to be transported. They were going to take her out in an ambulance to a small airstrip nearby where a private jet would be waiting for her. As I already said to the team, she was transported from Boston to Bethesda and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel."
Dave rubbed his forehead with his hand without saying anything, absorbing all the information Hotch had given him.
"Do you remember that night, almost three weeks later when JJ called me?" Hotch asked, breaking the silence.
Dave frowned, thinking. Then he remembered, it had been almost midnight when she had called, asking Hotch if they could meet. Dave had asked him what that was about, but Hotch had only shrugged getting out of bed and putting on a pair of worn out jeans and a sweatshirt. When Hotch returned, about an hour later he had only said JJ had had a little argument with Will and need someone to talk to, brushing off Dave's questions. Dave guessed, with a hint of annoyance, that he was about to find out the truth.
Watching Dave nodding he kept talking. "She had just left the airport when she called. She had gone to London to meet with Emily and give her passports and money and needed someone to talk."
"I'm so sorry, I really am. I wanted to tell you all the truth, watching them all suffer and mourn over the supposed death of their friend, their family I wanted to tell them more than anything Emily was alive, but I couldn't." Hotch's voice sounded almost pleading, begging Dave to understand.
Dave threw his arms around Aaron, and felt the younger man arms go around him in a tight grip. Aaron wasn't gonna cry, Dave knew him better than that but he wanted to offer him some comfort.
"There were nights when I lay awake, watching you sleep, and I just wanted, needed to tell you. Sometimes I even reached out to wake you and had to stop, telling myself I was doing this to protect you, to protect the whole team."
Dave didn't answer, he just tightened his grip.
It was Hotch who pulled away first, not meeting Dave's gaze.
"I'm not going to tell you everything is okay and doesn't affect me, ´cause that's bullshit and we both know it. Of course it affected me, how could it not? I'm fucking happy she's alive, but I'm angry and hurt because you didn't tell me. We sleep together every night and that was not enough for you to trust me." Dave watched Hotch open his mouth to protest, but raised a hand to stop him. "I know this has nothing to do with trust or what you wanted to do. I know it's irrational, but that's how I feel and I can't change it."
Hotch rubbed a hand over his face and nodded.
"Then- then I remember it's you, and I remember how much this has affected you. The sleepless nights, the weight loss, excessive weariness and worry and the knowledge of what would happen when this was known, and I can't do anything but admire you. Admire your dedication to do this job and your determination and courage to protect the people you love."
Hotch's head snapped up. He hadn't been expecting hear something like that.
"Don't get me wrong, all this is shit, and of course it hurts having been lied to, but it was for greater good, as it's said. Besides, from everyone in the team I'm probably the only one who knows and understand why you did what you did. I've had to lie or hide things about this work to the people I love. I don't envy the position where you're right now."
Dave paused, remembering what he had told his friend, father Jimmy on an occasion, after a very bad case. ´When you do something like this, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else.´
Watching the haunted man in front of him, looking at the sharp lines around his eyes and mouth, the dark circles under his eyes, he knew it. He knew that what his lover needed was to feel better, to feel... to feel like a good person. To feel worthy of the respect and admiration the team had always felt for him. And he can give it to him; at least for tonight.
"Listen to me, and listen very carefully. You did the right thing; you did the only thing you could have done under the circumstances. You kept Emily and the team safe. Are they angry and hurt now? Of course they are, and will be for a while, but once the shock and all the emotions have passed and they can really think things through, they will realize it was the best thing to do."
Hotch stared at him, a mix of relief, hope and love in his deep brown eyes. Hotch's lips curled up ever so slightly in a tired but genuine smile.
Dave reached for his glass, draining the last of it before standing up, offering a hand to his lover.
"Come on, we should go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day with all the fun and games of the highest commands; we should have at least a couple hours of sleep."
Hotch took Dave's hand, giving a slight squeeze. "Thank you."
Dave just shrugged and they walked toward the bedroom together.
"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" - Walter Anderson.
*****
Notes: -I apologize if there are some inconsistencies or this is plain impossible, my knowledge of United States Government procedure is pretty poor, so I just wrote what I thought sounded good and made sense in my head.
...and if any of you are House fans I'm sure you already figured out that I took this phrase from House MD: "When you do what I did, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else. If not God, or society, a friend. Otherwise you go crazy. What you said to me up there, thank you." said by Wilson to House in the episode 6x06 Known Unknowns. I edited it a bit but the gist of the phrase is there.