(no subject)
Gosh, I'm so upset and confused right now. I don't know what to do. Me and Wayne are so bad. All I wanna do is cry. I honestly don't know whats gunna happen. Things have jut been weird. I don't even know where to start. Well the other day Thursday I think it was- me and Wayne were talking and talking about what we was gunna do. By then we were only dealing with anger. So he left in the middle of an argument after I told him that I had already called the place where we rented our couch from and told them to come pick it up on Sturday. He got mad cuz I had already decided what was gunna happen without talkig to him about it and thats why he left. Then while he was out on Thursday after our fight- I got mad. I sent him an email. This is what it said:
"Look, I don't know what to say to you right now, but this whole thing is just not right. I love you too much to keep this whole thing going any longer. All I want in my life is to be with you and be happy but for some reason that just is not happening. I don't know why you can't show me that you love me and need me and want to be with me- but thats what I need right now. I'm sorry if you can't show that because your too hurt, well ya know what? I am hurting too. Your not in this alone. All I know is that I can't go on like this for another second. It's killing me. You told me that you can't be w/ me anymore so thats it. You made up your mind. I'll give you what you want. Just know that I have never loved anyone like I love you. You've made me feel at times that nothing else in the world mattered but me. Thats what I love about you. I love how you make me feel when we are happy. I feel like the princess that I so want to be. Your a great guy Wayne. Any girl who is blessed enough to be in your prescense is LUCKY. It sucks that I only got to be lucky for less than a year. I was hoping to be lucky for the rest of my life. I love you more than life itself and I will never forget about you. I will probably never get over you. I don't know what my life is going to be like without you. I feel like I am going to have this big empty hole where you used to be. I feel like now I have nothing to look forward to now that I don't have you. But you yourself said that because of how I've been has made you give up hope. So I guess I have no one else to blame but myself for my pain."
That was pretty harsh. So he read that email and he got so upset that he didn't come home for 2 days. That infuriated me!!!! I stayed at my moms on Thursday night cuz I didn't wanna deal with it... the around 11:00pm I called home cuz I wanted to see if he was home and he was- but he had a BUNCH of people at my house and they were all drinking and whatever and he was being really mean to me on the phone saying that he couldn't talk to me right then cuz he was too mad and that my email hurt him and that he wanted to just talk to me in the moring, so then I was getting EVEN madder and I was saying even more mean things and then finally after about an hour of arguing we hung up and he SAID that he would talk to me at 9:00 the next morning. So I couldn't sleep at all that night and I left to go back to the house at 6:30am and he wasn't even there! His truck was in the parking lot but he was in another apartment which was across the hall.. anyways. So he never met me at 9:00 like he said. So by 9:30 I was completely Pissed off.. and I had talked to Lee-Ann on the phone and I ended up going to see her. We talked a bit. I know that going to see her was not the best idea, but she could relate to what I was going through because she had been through it already. So while I was with her I went to talk to Donna... yes, Donna the aunt that tried to fuck Wayne. I wanted to get to the bottom of that once and for all. So I went there and I knocked on the door and asked her if I could talk to her. She was shocked.I asked her straight up to be honest with me- I could handle the truth, and shxe said ok. I asked her if anything sexual happend with her and Wayne while he was staying with her and she said NO. But she did say that he was telling her that he wanted to stay there with her and live a lif with her and that he didn't know how to tell me, and that she understood him better than I did and crap like that. I asked her if she ever showed him her tits and she said no. So, but I do remember how she used to be torwards him and she was sooo not miss innocent! So that whole thing is not really settled I guess. She told me that she has been trying to get in touch with Lee-Ann so that she could have Lee-Ann let me know so that I would know that I am gettng fucked over. So after I left there Lee-Ann came back to my apartment w/ me and I talked to my landlord and I showed her the damage to the apartment and blah blah blah.. I told her that I would let her know what was going on Tuesday. Then I brought Lee-Ann home... and then I went and picked up Sarah. We went to the beach and hung out. She was being obnoxious, but we had fun together. I actually felt better cuz I was keeping busy. So then while we were out she told me that she took Matt's and Jason's virginity. This would be fine if it wasn't Marcus's bro and cousin!! She did this while she was going out with Marcus. I was totally disgusted by this. I didn't really know what to say to her. So anyways, after we went to the beach we came back to the apartment Wayne had left me a note saying he didn't know what my problem was but if I wanted to talk to send him an email. So I did. This is what it said:
"My problem is that you PROMISED me that you would talk to me this morning at 9:00am and that you were sleeping at home last night. I waited for you for hours this morning and you totally blew me off. You really hurt me with the things that you said to me. I feel broken and destroyed and unloved right now. We seriously need to have a talk tonight. I'm not gunna yell or scream at you~ if you can talk to me without saying mean things call me on Sarah's cell phone and I will come home ALONE and talk to you. If that is what you want- lemme know please. FYI her # is 508-843-9820."
So this was Friday night and I still never heard back from him. So I was totally frustrated-- and I needed to be alone, so I called Jeff and asked him if he could watch Justin for a few hours. This was a huge mistake. So me and Sarah brought Justin there and then we hung out for a few hours. Then around 9:00pm I picked up Justin and came home. I was expecting Wayne to come home and talk to me and he didn't. By this point I was totally frantic. I had spoken with my parents and they convinced me that I should move home and they said that they would be at my house first thing on Saturday morning.. I disagreed with them but they came anyway. So they are in the process of moving my stuff and who shows up? Yep, Wayne. He said that he didn't want to talk- but I made him. So we went for a ride and we talked a bit.. didn't get very far though. He asked me if I had anything that wanted to tell him and I said no.. I should have told him about everything- Like Lee-ann,Donna & Jeff. But I didn't. I didn't want him to be upset. He already knew everything, but I didn't tell him. I lied to him. So I went home and told my parents to go home and I would call them later. They were so pissed. So me and him still got nowhere on Saturday. Saturday night this kid Joe that I went to school with came over and was talking to me. He told me that he was at my house on Thursday night when Wayne was fighting with me and that after he hung up with me Wayne was trying to get this girl KC to go the movies with him!! I was pissed. Wayne says its not true.. but Joe was also trying to sleep with me too... so I don't know if what he is saying is the truth. So Joe was all trying to make me feel better telling me that I'm hot and that he doesn't know why Wayne wouldn't want a fun lil toy like me! It was flattering cuz Joe is hot but I just couldn't bring myself to fuck around at this point.. Joe was telling me that he could take care of me and that if Wayne moved out then he would move in. It was all a load of crap. So anyways, while me and Joe were talking Greg showed up. Joe told him that Wayne was outside so Greg went outside to find him. Then Joe left when Wayne came back in and whatever. I told Wayne when he got back to that Joe was trying to have sex with me. I didn't want him to hear it from anyone else but me. So, Wayne was really upset and me and Greg were trying to calm him down and we ended up all talking until like 1:00am and the Wayne brought Greg home and I fell asleep. When Wayne came back he slept on the couch which upset me, but whatever. Finally around 7:00am I convinced Wayne to come lay in the bed with me and we talked and he said that he loves me and wants to be with me but he is upset and hurt cuz I lied to him and that he can't take the back and forth of me telling him one minute that I don't want to be with him etc. So we fooled around for a little bit- I wish that we didn't cuz I felt like crap after but oh well. So then we went on with our daily crap and I could tell that he was still frustrated so I just did my own thing for the day. When he came around 8:30pm we talked and he was in a BAD mood- So I said something rude and he left. I said BYE! I couldn't deal with it. I fell asleep cuz I was so tired, I woke up around 2:00am and he still wasn't home. I went for a ride to Marcus's house and he wasn't there. When I came back I just laid down again. Then he came home like 40 mins later he said that he was jus sitting in the parking lot the whole time thinking. We started to talk again but just ended up getting frustrated. So We went to sleep. Justin had slept at my moms house. So when we woke up we started talking and decided that we would hang out as friends today. It was my idea. I just wanted to spend time together without having to worry about crap. I had errands to run and he brought me. We joked around and had fun. So then we talked and he said he loves me and we talked about just being friends but we didn't come up with a descision. He said that he will always love me no matter what happens. So then we we joking around about sex and we came home and had sex. It was soo uncomfortable. I wish that we didn't do it. So now I'm stuck in the middle trying to figure out whats going on. I am so confused. Someone help me. I am in love with him but I don't want to hurt no more. Please help!
"Look, I don't know what to say to you right now, but this whole thing is just not right. I love you too much to keep this whole thing going any longer. All I want in my life is to be with you and be happy but for some reason that just is not happening. I don't know why you can't show me that you love me and need me and want to be with me- but thats what I need right now. I'm sorry if you can't show that because your too hurt, well ya know what? I am hurting too. Your not in this alone. All I know is that I can't go on like this for another second. It's killing me. You told me that you can't be w/ me anymore so thats it. You made up your mind. I'll give you what you want. Just know that I have never loved anyone like I love you. You've made me feel at times that nothing else in the world mattered but me. Thats what I love about you. I love how you make me feel when we are happy. I feel like the princess that I so want to be. Your a great guy Wayne. Any girl who is blessed enough to be in your prescense is LUCKY. It sucks that I only got to be lucky for less than a year. I was hoping to be lucky for the rest of my life. I love you more than life itself and I will never forget about you. I will probably never get over you. I don't know what my life is going to be like without you. I feel like I am going to have this big empty hole where you used to be. I feel like now I have nothing to look forward to now that I don't have you. But you yourself said that because of how I've been has made you give up hope. So I guess I have no one else to blame but myself for my pain."
That was pretty harsh. So he read that email and he got so upset that he didn't come home for 2 days. That infuriated me!!!! I stayed at my moms on Thursday night cuz I didn't wanna deal with it... the around 11:00pm I called home cuz I wanted to see if he was home and he was- but he had a BUNCH of people at my house and they were all drinking and whatever and he was being really mean to me on the phone saying that he couldn't talk to me right then cuz he was too mad and that my email hurt him and that he wanted to just talk to me in the moring, so then I was getting EVEN madder and I was saying even more mean things and then finally after about an hour of arguing we hung up and he SAID that he would talk to me at 9:00 the next morning. So I couldn't sleep at all that night and I left to go back to the house at 6:30am and he wasn't even there! His truck was in the parking lot but he was in another apartment which was across the hall.. anyways. So he never met me at 9:00 like he said. So by 9:30 I was completely Pissed off.. and I had talked to Lee-Ann on the phone and I ended up going to see her. We talked a bit. I know that going to see her was not the best idea, but she could relate to what I was going through because she had been through it already. So while I was with her I went to talk to Donna... yes, Donna the aunt that tried to fuck Wayne. I wanted to get to the bottom of that once and for all. So I went there and I knocked on the door and asked her if I could talk to her. She was shocked.I asked her straight up to be honest with me- I could handle the truth, and shxe said ok. I asked her if anything sexual happend with her and Wayne while he was staying with her and she said NO. But she did say that he was telling her that he wanted to stay there with her and live a lif with her and that he didn't know how to tell me, and that she understood him better than I did and crap like that. I asked her if she ever showed him her tits and she said no. So, but I do remember how she used to be torwards him and she was sooo not miss innocent! So that whole thing is not really settled I guess. She told me that she has been trying to get in touch with Lee-Ann so that she could have Lee-Ann let me know so that I would know that I am gettng fucked over. So after I left there Lee-Ann came back to my apartment w/ me and I talked to my landlord and I showed her the damage to the apartment and blah blah blah.. I told her that I would let her know what was going on Tuesday. Then I brought Lee-Ann home... and then I went and picked up Sarah. We went to the beach and hung out. She was being obnoxious, but we had fun together. I actually felt better cuz I was keeping busy. So then while we were out she told me that she took Matt's and Jason's virginity. This would be fine if it wasn't Marcus's bro and cousin!! She did this while she was going out with Marcus. I was totally disgusted by this. I didn't really know what to say to her. So anyways, after we went to the beach we came back to the apartment Wayne had left me a note saying he didn't know what my problem was but if I wanted to talk to send him an email. So I did. This is what it said:
"My problem is that you PROMISED me that you would talk to me this morning at 9:00am and that you were sleeping at home last night. I waited for you for hours this morning and you totally blew me off. You really hurt me with the things that you said to me. I feel broken and destroyed and unloved right now. We seriously need to have a talk tonight. I'm not gunna yell or scream at you~ if you can talk to me without saying mean things call me on Sarah's cell phone and I will come home ALONE and talk to you. If that is what you want- lemme know please. FYI her # is 508-843-9820."
So this was Friday night and I still never heard back from him. So I was totally frustrated-- and I needed to be alone, so I called Jeff and asked him if he could watch Justin for a few hours. This was a huge mistake. So me and Sarah brought Justin there and then we hung out for a few hours. Then around 9:00pm I picked up Justin and came home. I was expecting Wayne to come home and talk to me and he didn't. By this point I was totally frantic. I had spoken with my parents and they convinced me that I should move home and they said that they would be at my house first thing on Saturday morning.. I disagreed with them but they came anyway. So they are in the process of moving my stuff and who shows up? Yep, Wayne. He said that he didn't want to talk- but I made him. So we went for a ride and we talked a bit.. didn't get very far though. He asked me if I had anything that wanted to tell him and I said no.. I should have told him about everything- Like Lee-ann,Donna & Jeff. But I didn't. I didn't want him to be upset. He already knew everything, but I didn't tell him. I lied to him. So I went home and told my parents to go home and I would call them later. They were so pissed. So me and him still got nowhere on Saturday. Saturday night this kid Joe that I went to school with came over and was talking to me. He told me that he was at my house on Thursday night when Wayne was fighting with me and that after he hung up with me Wayne was trying to get this girl KC to go the movies with him!! I was pissed. Wayne says its not true.. but Joe was also trying to sleep with me too... so I don't know if what he is saying is the truth. So Joe was all trying to make me feel better telling me that I'm hot and that he doesn't know why Wayne wouldn't want a fun lil toy like me! It was flattering cuz Joe is hot but I just couldn't bring myself to fuck around at this point.. Joe was telling me that he could take care of me and that if Wayne moved out then he would move in. It was all a load of crap. So anyways, while me and Joe were talking Greg showed up. Joe told him that Wayne was outside so Greg went outside to find him. Then Joe left when Wayne came back in and whatever. I told Wayne when he got back to that Joe was trying to have sex with me. I didn't want him to hear it from anyone else but me. So, Wayne was really upset and me and Greg were trying to calm him down and we ended up all talking until like 1:00am and the Wayne brought Greg home and I fell asleep. When Wayne came back he slept on the couch which upset me, but whatever. Finally around 7:00am I convinced Wayne to come lay in the bed with me and we talked and he said that he loves me and wants to be with me but he is upset and hurt cuz I lied to him and that he can't take the back and forth of me telling him one minute that I don't want to be with him etc. So we fooled around for a little bit- I wish that we didn't cuz I felt like crap after but oh well. So then we went on with our daily crap and I could tell that he was still frustrated so I just did my own thing for the day. When he came around 8:30pm we talked and he was in a BAD mood- So I said something rude and he left. I said BYE! I couldn't deal with it. I fell asleep cuz I was so tired, I woke up around 2:00am and he still wasn't home. I went for a ride to Marcus's house and he wasn't there. When I came back I just laid down again. Then he came home like 40 mins later he said that he was jus sitting in the parking lot the whole time thinking. We started to talk again but just ended up getting frustrated. So We went to sleep. Justin had slept at my moms house. So when we woke up we started talking and decided that we would hang out as friends today. It was my idea. I just wanted to spend time together without having to worry about crap. I had errands to run and he brought me. We joked around and had fun. So then we talked and he said he loves me and we talked about just being friends but we didn't come up with a descision. He said that he will always love me no matter what happens. So then we we joking around about sex and we came home and had sex. It was soo uncomfortable. I wish that we didn't do it. So now I'm stuck in the middle trying to figure out whats going on. I am so confused. Someone help me. I am in love with him but I don't want to hurt no more. Please help!