"Have you considered...."
Few questions get the response from me that this one does. A sense of "Fuck" and "Ok, what do you know that I don't?" hits simultaneously.
Friend of mine asked me, "Have you ever considered that the sole purpose of your antics has been to seperate you from the crowd?" My first thought was no that's not the case, but the fact that he's asking means he's seen something I missed.
When I considered all he told me, it stands to reason that he might have a point. When I was 10, I opened the door for a bully to terrorize me for 2 years after moving into the projects. I dealt with him finally, but all that did was open the door for worse. Next the attempts at bullying were because I was smart. When the possibility of me being gay came up at 16, I quickly shut that down because all it would be is another reason for people to try to bully me.
My answer to the problem was given to me by the ex con that regularly checked my report card before I went into the building. Fight back. I'm still getting my ass kicked, but I'm still swinging on one guy to take him with me.
As the years went by, I kept it up. No, I wasn't doing it because I felt I'd win. I fought back because I wasn't going quietly and I may take someone with me.
I wondered, is that really the result of realizing I'm gay? Coming out wasn't a traumatic thing for me. But, I was also 21 when it happened. By that time, I had the "Crazy Ray" rep so maybe that kept them at bay?
In a situation where a fight looms, I resign myself to the fact that it may actually happen. I'm not scared because I secretly have mad martial arts skills, just been doing ity forever and it's another thing to do. I hit on guys everywhere except in the sacred bathroom. There I kept the required amount of seperation and whizzed in silence. Did all of the non gay guys like it? Well, no. Don't get me wrong, I never walked up and said, "Hey, you're hot. Can I take you home and ride you like a cowboy?" Massive party foul and I think flogging would be in order. I'm clever enough to slide my being gay into the conversation. I think I made a pun there. LOL. If the dude caught on, great. If not, move on. But, I always understood that if he didn't care for it and responded negatively, it was on my head. But, as fighting was a necessary evil I never responded how I should have I guess.
"I should kick your ass." My response varied, but more of than not was along the line of "Are we going to do this now or will you wait until we're both drunk?" or "Ok, let's get this over with so if we get kicked out, there's time to go to another bar." For me, it's nothing more than being a wise guy to score points. Even if I had my ass handed to me, the statement would live on. And it solved what to put on my tombstone if I wasn't dating anyone to bury me if it went that badly.
But, does that really imply I was working to show the other guys...Hey, I may be gay but I will drag you right to Hell with me? Was I trying to be a tough guy? I don't really know. And, I don't think I will ever know for sure.
Hotal
Friend of mine asked me, "Have you ever considered that the sole purpose of your antics has been to seperate you from the crowd?" My first thought was no that's not the case, but the fact that he's asking means he's seen something I missed.
When I considered all he told me, it stands to reason that he might have a point. When I was 10, I opened the door for a bully to terrorize me for 2 years after moving into the projects. I dealt with him finally, but all that did was open the door for worse. Next the attempts at bullying were because I was smart. When the possibility of me being gay came up at 16, I quickly shut that down because all it would be is another reason for people to try to bully me.
My answer to the problem was given to me by the ex con that regularly checked my report card before I went into the building. Fight back. I'm still getting my ass kicked, but I'm still swinging on one guy to take him with me.
As the years went by, I kept it up. No, I wasn't doing it because I felt I'd win. I fought back because I wasn't going quietly and I may take someone with me.
I wondered, is that really the result of realizing I'm gay? Coming out wasn't a traumatic thing for me. But, I was also 21 when it happened. By that time, I had the "Crazy Ray" rep so maybe that kept them at bay?
In a situation where a fight looms, I resign myself to the fact that it may actually happen. I'm not scared because I secretly have mad martial arts skills, just been doing ity forever and it's another thing to do. I hit on guys everywhere except in the sacred bathroom. There I kept the required amount of seperation and whizzed in silence. Did all of the non gay guys like it? Well, no. Don't get me wrong, I never walked up and said, "Hey, you're hot. Can I take you home and ride you like a cowboy?" Massive party foul and I think flogging would be in order. I'm clever enough to slide my being gay into the conversation. I think I made a pun there. LOL. If the dude caught on, great. If not, move on. But, I always understood that if he didn't care for it and responded negatively, it was on my head. But, as fighting was a necessary evil I never responded how I should have I guess.
"I should kick your ass." My response varied, but more of than not was along the line of "Are we going to do this now or will you wait until we're both drunk?" or "Ok, let's get this over with so if we get kicked out, there's time to go to another bar." For me, it's nothing more than being a wise guy to score points. Even if I had my ass handed to me, the statement would live on. And it solved what to put on my tombstone if I wasn't dating anyone to bury me if it went that badly.
But, does that really imply I was working to show the other guys...Hey, I may be gay but I will drag you right to Hell with me? Was I trying to be a tough guy? I don't really know. And, I don't think I will ever know for sure.
Hotal