(no subject)
Death is one of the scariest things ever, and waiting on death is one of the saddest. So I got taken out of school early so we could go to my Oma's (dutch for grandma) to pray with our pastor over her and sorta make sure we could have a peaceful kind of a goodbye. We were all wrecks for that though, even my dad went through a few Kleenexs. And my Oma said she was at peace and ready and all that, but I don't have any idea how long it will be until she actually goes. I was there for like 6 more hours without much change, although she even walked a few feet (with help). Still, seeing her so extremely helpless is one of the most disturbing things I've ever experienced. I had to spoon feed an old and always capable woman. She was without her wig (she has cancer, bad), which she barely ever allows. These things may be little, but they define how ill she is. And it breaks my heart. I regret the times I didn't visit her, I feel terrible for my mom, I feel scared for where she is going next. It's just a horrible array of feelings. I've barely experienced death before, and this possibly long ordeal of her hanging between life and death is so tough. But yeah, it's one of those things that makes you reflect so much on your feelings about life, death, and God. My Oma has done so many amazing things in her life. She was never extremely religious though. If there was a heaven, would this mean she wouldn't get in? I just can't believe that kind of reasoning. But it's so hard, because no one can even know the truth about everything...I just hope at this point that she will find peace, even if it takes a lot of morphine