A thing or two
Another year gone by. Hard to believe Logan has graduated. Emily's on her way to finishing her masters. Mark is entering his third year of summer school. I'm well on my way to being independent for the summer and then off to a foreign country for an entire semester of school.
Things on the home front have been fine. Now that Emily's been out of the house for a year my parents have taken to interior decorating and making over the house. Over the course of this year I've got a new kitchen, bathroom, and basement. Not bad, although the basement was caused by flooding and indirectly a necessity due to 4+ inches of flood water...
All are well and in good health. Grandpa's making a turn around. Things are going much better for him and I'm excited to see how things all turn out. He's actually expressed his personal interest in going to Ireland- this would probably be his last big trip. Going to Ireland will most definately be something new. I really have no idea what to expect. In terms of going I'm actually terribly nervous. It's a huge school, over 17,000! It kind of makes me appreciate the friends and small environment at HWS... big enough to meet new people but small enough to know your own comfort zone and be happy where you are.
I know the entire point of me going to Ireland in the fall was so that my parenst could come visit me. The fact that GG has actually expressed his desire to go has my parents now convinced that the entire family is going to come visit me at some point... As much as I would love to see my family, I'm kind of unsettled about it. Going abroad and taking a semester to be somewhere completely different is in all honestly just on the other side of a ... plane ride. Simply put, it stands between myself and what should be an excellent semester. Unfortunatley my parents think the only time they can come is in early August-- basically they would come with me two weeks before the start of the semester and travel around for a bit before my orientation. Is it selfish that I don't want them to come? Ever since I found out I was accepted to the program I've been mentally wrestling with the talk of actually getting myself over there, taking the plane by myself and making it kind of on my own... does that make sense? I feel that if my family comes with me across the big pond it will kind of take away from proving to myself that I can do it. Like making it on my own and getting adjusted. I don't want to be mad at my family for that but I'm slightly aggravated. Oy. But I would rather have them come and have my Dad be came to come and GG have a good last trip. We shall see- time will tell.
I love my friends- and I've missed a ton from home. It really proves true on how much communication you can have with those that you actually care about. The best feeling is being able to not to talk to someone for such an extended period of time- meet up with them again, and everything goes back to normal. I've missed Rave, Stac, Brian, Kerry and Peter. It kind of sucks not having them around. But amongst them a few select others I think I've decided mutually who really cares about me and who I want to make effort into keeping in touch with. It will be interesting to see how it goes while I'm abroad- thank God for Skype!
This semester was absolute Hell. Legit Hell- no joke. Six classes including EMS and teaching. Three jobs. Koshare. 3ML. Intramurals. Absolute chaos is kind of what I'm getting at. I'm proud that I did it though I will never do it again. It was too much. I didn't have enough "me" time and I felt too tired and too stressed out too much of the time. Don't get me wrong- I'm happy with everything that I was doing- it just got really overwhelming. Prioritizing was stuff- there were many late nights that should have been spent sleeping or investing in coffee for the next morning but I don't regret them. There were smiles and tears and everything inbetween.
Living situations got tough. I'm pretty excited for my housemates coming back in the Spring though. I already miss Ellen and my other housemates. I also hope that she gets her surgery soon. It makes me nervous to think that Prague for her was actually in jeopardy. I hope it all proves good for her though. She deserves to have a really good time.
I made a bunch of new friends this year too. Some good, some bad, some I could forget in heartbeat, others that I couldn't forget if I tried. I shot myself in the foot being as private and introverted as I am. There were a lot of things that I left unsaid that I shouldn't have- a lot of things I chose not to look at or ignore. I also used to think that I was a patient person. In some respects I still am- a lot of what I didn't realize is that some people are a lot better at waiting than I am. Although I guess this patience can be mistaken for tolerance. I think I'm way too tolerant for the things that I don't like but I just let go. I don't like being the source of conflict or making conflict. Though I discovered that this really wasn't my semester. In terms of attracting drama and bullshit there was a lot of stuff going on that didn't need to happen. I'm mildly baffled at the fact that I put up with it. Stupid friends and girls with boy drama was just so unnecessary. My energy could have been spent on so many other things. Like homework. Or making sure that my relationship wasn't going down the tubes. Oh wait! Ha... yeaaa....
But I did leave much unsaid. Due to my own stubborness and inability to formulate words and actually do something when the time was right-- I've given up on that years ago. My timing is terrible. Better late than never but sometimes I wish it were a lot more effective. I think I hide things too much. But all in all it kinda sucks. In a last attempt to clear my conscience I'm going to try a pitiful attempt to try and say what I should have said. Again, I'm sorry.
Dear You.
Sorry for always complaining that I was tired. You were very tolerant of me waking up so early and never being home for dinner and working on my own schedule. I didn't mean to elave you out of the loop on a lot of stuff that was going on in my life but I'm glad that you found a group of friends that you love and love you back and can all live with us this year. I know that you missed a lot of your friends from home and I'm glad that you're going to be able to spend a bunch of time with them this summer before you go abroad. I'm going to miss you a lot more than I thought I would- already. I just hope we get the chance to meet up in Europe :-)
Dear You.
I'm sorry that we didn't get to talk as much. Online wasn't the same. I'm sorry for yelling at you for doing drugs (which I still think you're stupid for) but I'm glad your parents turned around. I missed having you around- but again, thank God for Skype. Thanks for watching out for me and making sure I don't get outta line. Thanks for taking my late night calls and drunk-dials when I'm walking home by myself. I'm going to miss you this summer- kick ass as the internship.
Dear You.
Snail mail = love. Not going back to camp this year is going to suck. I'm going to miss creating complete chaos while we were at the pool. AKA not doing our job. But I love the fact that we can still talk like it's nobody's job. I've missed having my closest girl friend around. I love my school friends but having someone as close as you from the time we were eating playdough makes life so much better. Have fun this summer and make sure that you keep that list of ideas for your restaurant. I promise to be the very first customer :-)
Dear You.
Is it weird that the place we met isn't exactly where we're going back to? I'm glad you had a great first year of school. It's great that you actually like what you're doing and you're fitting in with your team well. It's a testament to both of us that we've actually managed a pre-friendship rivalry and kept in touch like we do. Come visit me often this summer. PS I love your family. To death.
Dear You.
I'm sorry for invading your campus. Your house. Your life. You and me are still the same us, just not around other people. I wish other people could see you the way I do. Maybe she does. I hope you do what makes you happy. It's going to be weird trying to conquer the rest of college with out a safety blanket. Without one of my best friends just down the street. You're going to do awesome things with your life. I love you being home with the rest of us and acting like we do. 99xYoshi will forever live as one of my favorite all-nighters. Or Harkey Tan Libbers. Regardless we won't lose touch. You live just down the hall so it's not like I don't know how to find you. :-)
Dear You.
There isnt' much to say since I'm still thinking on things. Everything is up in the air and you have no idea. It will be an interesting conversation. Or whatever it ends up being. I just want to let you know that I really tried. I really did. So often did I switch everything or stay up late trying to finish work so that when you came up I could actually take a break from hectic everything and try to be happy with you. I'm sorry that I'm not her. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough to keep all of your attention- let alone the truth. I hope she makes you happy. I know I'm not as old and that I don't know the realities of the real world yet- in all honestly I'm glad that I don't. It's not my time yet. But it's hers and yours. I want you to be happy because she's the one you're supposed to be with. Everytime there was a discrepancy it was always her. I've never met her, nor do I think I want to meet her. I don't want to know why she is better or smarter or prettier or more captivating. Whatever is best for you is best for you. I just wish that you had let me know sooner. I pride myself on the fact that I'm intelligent in some ways but I feel like an idiot now that I know. If anything from you I wish I could have expected the truth. I don't know why you've kept me around for so long. I don't know why you've kept your two lives apart- it doesn't make sense to me. A three and a half hour drive- all the text messages-- why actually waste your time? I am not who you are supposed to be with. I am the convenience of being familiar to you, of being comfortable for you. I was the filling for the void that you found once she was away and you two were doing your own separate things. But for all the times I stayed up late, trying to take care of you, giving you time to deal with things, not pushing you into things too early, trying to respect your relationship with her because I know that I don't understand it. All the convenient things I did were for you. I don't know why I put my neck out there trying to keep up with everything and go out of my way for it-- is it sad that everything that used to make me happy makes me bitter? I feel betrayed. I feel as though out of anything I would have at least deserved the truth. Love is a funny thing. You'd do anything for someone that you've loved except for love them again. That's how I feel. Hurt. Upset. Like a naive young college girl who doesn't realize the realities of everything. I'm humiliated. I've made enough out of myself to stand my own ground but in terms of mutual friends-- take them with you. I may feel bitter and betrayed but I do have the bigger picture in mind. I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't right for you. Disregard my feelings and do what you need to do. Be with who you should be me. Just please stop dragging me behind and have me live in this false illusion of what I think reality is. I promise I can handle it. Maybe someday I'll be able to be ok with the lies. Perhaps I'll be able to take comfort in the fact that you're wehre you should be and where you want to be. Paranoia could prolong the ordeal but I'm willing to work towards it.
Dear You.
I've done some irreversible damage and I want to make sure that I set things right. First of all- thank you for being there. For being that guy. The good guy that doesn't get recognized by the stupid girl because she has her head wrapped around so many other things that she doesn't have the right mind to realize what's right in front of her. Thank you for all the little things. The inside jokes. Taking the time to walk me home. For stopping to say hi at lunch. For taking shit from just about everybody because I didn't realize what everyone else was actually seeing. But thank you for the bigger things. For being there. For dropping whatever you were doing to be there for me when I was crying-- and even when I wasn't. Thank you for being that dependable rock that kept me sane. For continuing to tell me to smile. For pointing out that things could always be worse. For making me understand that staying positive and counting all the good things in life was actually the best combatant to stress, drama, and lack of sleep. Thank you for being that guy who never got thanked enough. Who every girl would die to have but I didn't realize was being patient while I cried and did homework and worked my life away on an overwhelming schedule. You claim that I'm selfless and thinking of others-- but I have nothing on you. Who would every wait around that long. Who would ever put up with the craziness of everything and my rants and laughing fits and weird moods and lack of direction on Tuesday nights. You don't give yourself enough credit. I retaliated not knowing how to handle you. You are a bunch of everything I didn't expect- that I wanted to expect but wouldn't let myself see it. Better late than never though, right? I made up a whole bunch of excuses to try and make you out to be something different than you were- to try and drive myself away from the temptation. Instead, I thought, I'd paint you as a stereotypical hippy dude with chrome and white. If anything, it was the worst interpretation of you I could have actually jokingly tried to misconstrue. But in all honesty I apologize. I'll admit you scared the shit out of me. I'll admit that it annoyed me everytime you did something I would have wanted someone else to do- but the truth is, he never would have thought about it. You are a bunch of everything that I'm not ready for. You have and meet those expectations I won't allow myself to have, because I'm used to not getting what I think I deserve. I do not blame you if from this point out you don't wait. I've made up my mind but you could have made up yours six months ago. I'm sorry that you waited this long when you could have been enjoying other things. But you once told me that everything happens for a reason. I don't know if this is one of those situations or if its supposed to happen but I guess I'll wait and see. The truth is, I don't want a replacement. I never have. Again that was my own defense mechanism for getting too close and wrapped up in something that would go away in a few months... and stay away for six. It's a long time. It's how long you stuck around. I still don't know why- but I'm glad you did. I want you to be happy. I want you to get what you want. If what you want is what I hope it is, then maybe you can teach me a little patience too.
Apologies aside, I'm going to miss all of you. Good luck with everything and know that I think of all of you often.
Otherwise I'm looking into a sunny, quiet summer. Lots of lonely days but much room for thinking, adjusting, and figuring out life. Missing people, best friends, and the hell-ish hectic schedule that is usually my life. I've been told to relax- still trying to figure that part out. I think I need to escape to the Cape.
Infinite x's and o's to all,
Court