you don't have to read this, i'm just frusterated.
It's 3 48 in the morning and I can'tsleep. Heres how I feel: Like I need to do a master cleanse and also cleanse my mind and get all this shit out that won't leave me alone and go do meditation retreats and paint pictures and art festivals in colorado and nevada and go back to that church that i went to when i was little with my dad in arizona, the one that they call a "vortex" up on a hill and look out at the stars, and also i feel like i need to stop waking up late but its real hard because dreaming is more fun than reality a lot of times. i feel like i need to go get my hands in dirt and smoke a lot of grass and swim until i'm content, all surrounded in british columbian trees, all i can think about is thetis lake in victoria and the many many trees we had to climb through to get to the perfect spot to jump in, and pretending to be lake animals while the sun went down, also jumping the fence to get to the movie. i need to spend a few days in intense sunlight and heat and let it soak through my scalp and turn my body brown. i need to drink gallons and gallons of water and stop feeling so vulnerable. i need to learn how plants grow, how to grow plants, i need to learn how humans grow, i need to learn to say the right things at the right times and not to say the wrong things ever. i need to be honest with myself and honest with the people who love me, i need to not misrepresent myself, i need to say what i feel and what i think. i need to save my aloe plant, its withering and i feel so guilty. i need to not think about myself so much, i need to not think about the past or the summer or last summer or last winter or last night or last anything, or for that matter next anything, next summer, next winter, next mix cd sent through the mail that says the things that i want to say but don't have the guts or the eloquence. i need past life regression therapy, i need to get away from my mom, i need to get the dust out of the carpet and the smoke out my lungs. i need to fall in love with something i can touch. i need to stop thinking about what if. i need to stop holding myself back from what i know will help. i need to make several thousand dollars, i need to stop crowding my body with bad things, i need to give my kidneys a break, i need to see my friends again, i need to accept that nothing is under my control and the second i think i have something figured out it will change again, no matter what.
ok
ok