blue moon
today wasnt much better
my mom called me to jsut check oup on me randomly and at the end of the convo she mentions that im gonna be back in school soon or soemthing along those lines
im getting the idea she enroled me against my own will which wouldnt suprise me in the least but to be honest the real reason why im being so stuborn about it isnt jsut because i dont wanna go bacvk to school or the fact that i feel that im gonna be overwhelmed
the real reason i know is kind of childish but i cant help it
fact of the matter is that my mom was the one that suggested that i leave school int he first place to work full time
because she said "i dont wanna waste money on you in college if your just gonna piss it away like this"
(cause my grades werent the ebst as i usualy do with school)
but now shes jsut trying to get me to go back for my associates
an to tell you the truth when your mom has no faith in your ability to do something liek that it jsut doesent make you feel that great
an even worse when she does try to pursuade me she says little things li8ke "you know im good at writing papers" as if to say that she would write papers for me becuase she doesent think i can
wich also anoys me becuase i did good on my papers that i did do in high school
i hate to admit that alot of this is because of spite but it is
an now i cant help btu doubt myself either way and cant the idea out of my head that im too stupid to do it
elthough alot of my friends tell me that im not i still cant help but question it
it sucks
on top of that someone has brought to my attention the way ive been going through relationships lately
an i cant help but stop an look at my self now
it jsut seems not like me
an i didnt even notice that i aws doing it
i know i can be clingy and jump into relationships soetimes with out looking before i leap
but i didnt realize it had become this bad
its something that i never wanted to become
i mean
im not 100% sure
if its necesarrly a bad thing or a good thing
cause i wanna find the right person
im not trying to jsut get laid or anything
im trying to find some one to have a real relationship with
i think im gonna take a break for relationships for a while
although knowing me it wont last long cause i know i tend to say that alot
but i am gonna try
i wanna fidn exactly what i want ina girl
i feel like i figure it out
but then somethin changes that
maybe its not something that i can put down on papper
maybe the ideal person doesent exist
maybe there isnt the perfect someone for everyone
i always believed there was
but thinking about it
thinking about the divorce rate
thinking about the different way relationships are with different people
im not so sure i'll ever have that life that i wanted
it seems like over an over the life that i dreamed about when i was younger seems to be getting tainted
my goals an expections being lowered
for myself an for others
maybe its jsut a bad day
or a bad week
i would say a bad year with all the signifigantly bad things that have happened
but then there have been days that have worked out
that have been good
that have been fun
but im jsut not so sure if the good out weighs the bad
im jsut waiting for something and i dont know what
my mom called me to jsut check oup on me randomly and at the end of the convo she mentions that im gonna be back in school soon or soemthing along those lines
im getting the idea she enroled me against my own will which wouldnt suprise me in the least but to be honest the real reason why im being so stuborn about it isnt jsut because i dont wanna go bacvk to school or the fact that i feel that im gonna be overwhelmed
the real reason i know is kind of childish but i cant help it
fact of the matter is that my mom was the one that suggested that i leave school int he first place to work full time
because she said "i dont wanna waste money on you in college if your just gonna piss it away like this"
(cause my grades werent the ebst as i usualy do with school)
but now shes jsut trying to get me to go back for my associates
an to tell you the truth when your mom has no faith in your ability to do something liek that it jsut doesent make you feel that great
an even worse when she does try to pursuade me she says little things li8ke "you know im good at writing papers" as if to say that she would write papers for me becuase she doesent think i can
wich also anoys me becuase i did good on my papers that i did do in high school
i hate to admit that alot of this is because of spite but it is
an now i cant help btu doubt myself either way and cant the idea out of my head that im too stupid to do it
elthough alot of my friends tell me that im not i still cant help but question it
it sucks
on top of that someone has brought to my attention the way ive been going through relationships lately
an i cant help but stop an look at my self now
it jsut seems not like me
an i didnt even notice that i aws doing it
i know i can be clingy and jump into relationships soetimes with out looking before i leap
but i didnt realize it had become this bad
its something that i never wanted to become
i mean
im not 100% sure
if its necesarrly a bad thing or a good thing
cause i wanna find the right person
im not trying to jsut get laid or anything
im trying to find some one to have a real relationship with
i think im gonna take a break for relationships for a while
although knowing me it wont last long cause i know i tend to say that alot
but i am gonna try
i wanna fidn exactly what i want ina girl
i feel like i figure it out
but then somethin changes that
maybe its not something that i can put down on papper
maybe the ideal person doesent exist
maybe there isnt the perfect someone for everyone
i always believed there was
but thinking about it
thinking about the divorce rate
thinking about the different way relationships are with different people
im not so sure i'll ever have that life that i wanted
it seems like over an over the life that i dreamed about when i was younger seems to be getting tainted
my goals an expections being lowered
for myself an for others
maybe its jsut a bad day
or a bad week
i would say a bad year with all the signifigantly bad things that have happened
but then there have been days that have worked out
that have been good
that have been fun
but im jsut not so sure if the good out weighs the bad
im jsut waiting for something and i dont know what