I Like Monsters
Mmm, blogging.
So... I'm on my third Monster today. Huzzah!
I figured since I've blogged all these horrible things lately, I needed to blog when I'm feeling a bit better. I'm not fantastic, mind you, but I'm feeling much better today. This morning I was kinda out of it, but that was mostly because I didn't get much sleep. But hey, three Monsters will keep me alive.
I've been talking with Tiara a lot lately, which makes me happy, and I had this crazy deep conversation with Lane last night - which was also the first time I've seen him in almost a week, so that also made me happy. I like stimulating conversation. I should make a point of having it more often.
I haven't really done much with myself today, though. I have eighty bajillion things I should be doing, but I'm not doing any of them right now. I'll get to them, I'm sure.
Instead, I'm writing again. More original garbage. But at least this time it's not like OMG SUPER ANGST! It seems like it'll be more of a friendship/romance thing, though I already know it ends with the main male character - Taylor - no longer being in the main female character's life, since that was the first thing I established in the piece. But even then, it doesn't seem like it'll be all that angsty. I don't know. I think I'm going to call it Drifting, but I don't know if I'll finish it or not. I just felt the itch to write, so I'm letting it come as it is, you know? I think, from what the framework looks like so far, that it'll be much more of a friendship story than a romantic story, but I'm sure there will be romantic elements in it, as it is with EVERYTHING I write.
Which is something else I've been thinking about a bit lately. You know, my life completely revolves around Love. Having it, wanting it, losing it, thinking about it, watching other people get it... etc etc. And this isn't something that just happened, either. I've always been this way, for as long as I can remember. I was the girl on the playground kissing the boys. That was me, and it still is. All my favorite songs - hell, almost all the songs I even listen to - all have to do with love in some way or another. I can only remember one time, back in high school, where I was both boyfriendless and without someone I was interested in. Just one time. And I remember it being some of the emptiest days of my life. I wonder why that is. Even when there is no one I'm interested in, love still rules over my life. Wanting it, looking for it, searching desperately for that 'complete' feeling. And then I get into relationships, and if I don't find that, I flee. And I begin my search anew. Interestingly enough, my Grandpa on Terry's side is super Catholic, and in Corinthians - one of my favorite parts of the Bible - it talks about the gifts one can have. When I was just a little girl, he told me in all seriousness, because my Grandpa can be extremely serious, that I had the gift of Love. And of course, he went on to say how it was the most important gift and blah blah blah. And though I'm not Christian, I've always believed that - that it was as much a part of me as my very soul. I've always put love first. And I've always put those I love first. When I say first, I mean before myself even, and this doesn't just include those who I have romantic love for. My closest friends, I think of as family. I love them, and would do anything for them - even at my own detriment. I have all this love - love for friends, love for family - even those who probably don't deserve it - hell, love for people I barely know. And this unending, unyeilding belief that people - no matter how fucked up - can change. That people, all people, deserve love. And that if no one else will give it to them, well, there's always me. I feel... I don't know, like I have so much love that I could never run out. Like I have too much love. I feel like I can't contain it, and I could never be satisfied. And the thing about love is that it's the most unpredictable emotion. It lives by no rules - it does as it pleases. And I have so very much of it that sometimes... sometimes I wish I couldn't love anymore. I wish there was an off switch. I have love that just sits here and does nothing, because I have so damn much that I couldn't possibly give it all away.
I don't really know what I'm getting at here. It just goes around in circles. But it makes everything so intense. Every little thing has meaning to me. But at the same time, I can overlook the biggest misgrievences. It doesn't make any sense to me, how something so intangible can completely rule over my life like this.
Gah, I got distracted. So... uhm... blog over?
So... I'm on my third Monster today. Huzzah!
I figured since I've blogged all these horrible things lately, I needed to blog when I'm feeling a bit better. I'm not fantastic, mind you, but I'm feeling much better today. This morning I was kinda out of it, but that was mostly because I didn't get much sleep. But hey, three Monsters will keep me alive.
I've been talking with Tiara a lot lately, which makes me happy, and I had this crazy deep conversation with Lane last night - which was also the first time I've seen him in almost a week, so that also made me happy. I like stimulating conversation. I should make a point of having it more often.
I haven't really done much with myself today, though. I have eighty bajillion things I should be doing, but I'm not doing any of them right now. I'll get to them, I'm sure.
Instead, I'm writing again. More original garbage. But at least this time it's not like OMG SUPER ANGST! It seems like it'll be more of a friendship/romance thing, though I already know it ends with the main male character - Taylor - no longer being in the main female character's life, since that was the first thing I established in the piece. But even then, it doesn't seem like it'll be all that angsty. I don't know. I think I'm going to call it Drifting, but I don't know if I'll finish it or not. I just felt the itch to write, so I'm letting it come as it is, you know? I think, from what the framework looks like so far, that it'll be much more of a friendship story than a romantic story, but I'm sure there will be romantic elements in it, as it is with EVERYTHING I write.
Which is something else I've been thinking about a bit lately. You know, my life completely revolves around Love. Having it, wanting it, losing it, thinking about it, watching other people get it... etc etc. And this isn't something that just happened, either. I've always been this way, for as long as I can remember. I was the girl on the playground kissing the boys. That was me, and it still is. All my favorite songs - hell, almost all the songs I even listen to - all have to do with love in some way or another. I can only remember one time, back in high school, where I was both boyfriendless and without someone I was interested in. Just one time. And I remember it being some of the emptiest days of my life. I wonder why that is. Even when there is no one I'm interested in, love still rules over my life. Wanting it, looking for it, searching desperately for that 'complete' feeling. And then I get into relationships, and if I don't find that, I flee. And I begin my search anew. Interestingly enough, my Grandpa on Terry's side is super Catholic, and in Corinthians - one of my favorite parts of the Bible - it talks about the gifts one can have. When I was just a little girl, he told me in all seriousness, because my Grandpa can be extremely serious, that I had the gift of Love. And of course, he went on to say how it was the most important gift and blah blah blah. And though I'm not Christian, I've always believed that - that it was as much a part of me as my very soul. I've always put love first. And I've always put those I love first. When I say first, I mean before myself even, and this doesn't just include those who I have romantic love for. My closest friends, I think of as family. I love them, and would do anything for them - even at my own detriment. I have all this love - love for friends, love for family - even those who probably don't deserve it - hell, love for people I barely know. And this unending, unyeilding belief that people - no matter how fucked up - can change. That people, all people, deserve love. And that if no one else will give it to them, well, there's always me. I feel... I don't know, like I have so much love that I could never run out. Like I have too much love. I feel like I can't contain it, and I could never be satisfied. And the thing about love is that it's the most unpredictable emotion. It lives by no rules - it does as it pleases. And I have so very much of it that sometimes... sometimes I wish I couldn't love anymore. I wish there was an off switch. I have love that just sits here and does nothing, because I have so damn much that I couldn't possibly give it all away.
I don't really know what I'm getting at here. It just goes around in circles. But it makes everything so intense. Every little thing has meaning to me. But at the same time, I can overlook the biggest misgrievences. It doesn't make any sense to me, how something so intangible can completely rule over my life like this.
Gah, I got distracted. So... uhm... blog over?