I wish faking happiness made me happy
i feel like this xmas is not going to be what i would like it to be. it seems like i'm losing friends day by day, everyone has something going on in their life and i don't want to but in with my problems, but sometimes i just need someone to talk to. at home i feel to tired to try and play games with brennan, or to stay awake to read a book (if my head hit the pillow i would fall asleep), seems like my mom knows all the right things to do and i'm just clueless, last week she asked me if i wanted her and my dad to adopt brennan cause i make it seem like he is an inconvience in my life...and lately i've been thinking about that... it seems like the only place that i am successful is at work.. and you know what, big deal if i'm the store manager of hot topic, it's a lot of work, i get bitched out a lot, and then i have to find ways to fix it, yeah it helps with the bills and allows me to do things with or without brennan, but who do i have to talk to about it, not many... brandon and i talked last nite and did mostly silence, for some reason now we have nothing to talk about, yet when i lived in my apartment we had all kinds of things to talk about.. i hate the fact that i moved, so much stuff has changed and it FUCKING sucks!!!! i love my son very much, if i didn't i would have given him up for adoption 5 years ago, i wouldn't have given up school to pursue a full time job so that i can make a place for us.. i miss the fact of coming home and telling someone about my day, or cuddling up to someone at nite when i go to sleep, i miss going sit outside, and smoking cigarettes while talking to who i thought was a really good friend and bitching about everything going on, but then turning around and laughing at it.... a couple of weeks ago my DM told me to fake it, make it seem like everything is ok so that i don't give off a bad vibe at work, too bad faking it doesn't work all day :(