finished the book
My head hurts. badly. I was going to go on a run today but I'm not going! Tomorrow I have a date with my new shoes. hubby is home today and tomorrow. But I can't exercise while not feeling well, or weigh with him here without a fight. And it's not worth it. I did nature myself. My waist was at 27.5 yesterday, and today is at 27. So I'm thinking after my period it'll go down. I think I have lost some because if I'm on my back I feel the skin stretching across my ribs, which wasn't there a few days ago. My upper stomach shows more thinness than my lower abdomen with all of my loose skin.
Today we are having a family dinner, and meeting the older 3 stay up late. will wake the 4 year old when the ball drops.
I finally finished the book. It was really good. Especially the okay where it talked about keying yourself feel emotions. I'll have to type it all out another time I have patience.
reflections
Do I like the person I've become over the years? Why or why not? I like myself now than the promiscuous, rude, angsty poison I was before. But I'm not who I want to be.
Do I feel as though I disordered eating, or the diet mentality has taken over my life? Yes. I can't just go with the flow or go out to eat or go over to someone's house for a meal without having anxiety or cutting back/exercising to prepare.
Do I want help? I've been seeking it. I want to get better but I don't want to have to weigh more.
Do I believe there is freedom and hope beyond the Bondage to food? Yes. I see people living normally. It's just hard getting there
what has prevented me from getting treatment, or seeing a counselor, prior to now? money.
at what point, if any, do I think I'd be ready to seek help? I've been wanting help.
Would I say I love myself? Do I love my whole self, or parts? If so, which parts? I say I love parts. I don't see how any person can love their whole self. There are some traits I loathe. parts I wish eye different. Not even talking physically but personality. The parts I like about myself is my openess, honesty, humor, loyalty. The parts about my body I like are... The texture of my hair when I do it. That's ask I can think of right now.
When I look at myself in the Mirror, do I think kindly about what I see? Or do I tear myself down? I don't think kindly about myself often. There are times I surprise myself by having positive rights. normally I see: an ugly hair cut. crooked eye. pointed and sticking out left ear. pointy chin. sagging boobs and stomach. too tall. different colored eyes. bumped nose. big feet. scarred legs. Just what comes to mind.
How do I qualify my value? What, in my opinion, determines beauty? Which of my attributes would I say is beautiful, and why? my value is earned by what I can do for others. I earm my love and value that way. What is beautiful? hmm... That depends. I see people who are not physically beautiful but their inward beauty shines and they are stunning. They have the beauty that I admire. But there are women who are physically gorgeous as well. Usually that is someone thin but very toned. nice abs, bigger butt from squats. defined legs. sexy shoulders and back.
I'm skipping the last part of that question. It seems redundant
do I allow society to determine my opinion of myself? If so, how and why? Do I long to be set free from society's expectations? Why or why not? I do allow it. I want to be trendy with clothes abs jewelry, but I'm not. I constantly feel like I look blah. I do long to be set free but id also like to not make others fit my idea of what's right. I do this by saying "she's too (insert fast or old or young or thin) to wear that!" really, if it's not sinful then people should be able to eat whatever that makes them feel beautiful. They shouldn't have to dress their bodies to appease me, a person that is crossing their path for 10 seconds. like yesterday a girl posted an article on words that people over 30 shouldn't say. who the fuck says I can't? why? It irritated me lol
When I speak love intro my children's lives, do I speak the kinds that lasts? Or do I subconsciously impose society's expectations on them as well? I think I probably do both. What's hard is teaching kids not to care what others think meanwhile knowing that it sort of does matter. You want to be a CEO of a company you probably shouldn't get tattoos abs facial piercings abs a multi colored Mowhawk. But I encourage them to embrace who they are while recognizing that others won't be as kind.
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