here's to a new day.
I'm hoping today is a better day than it has been. I didn't weigh myself. Fuck the scale. I have no interest. If I am going to get recovered then i'm going to have to learn to not do it. and I'm trying. All it does is upset me. Here I'm trying to make healthy decisions, and to eat nourishing foods, staying active to build muscle and be healthy.. and all of it goes undone because of the measure of the gravitational pull of the Earth. Seems legit. NOT.
Part of me feels very betrayed by my body. I guess taking more on than I should of others behavior. But as a little girl it attracted men. And at times it responded well to what they were doing, which did my head in and was very confusing for a very long time. But it never attracted the men that I wanted to attract. It miscarried babies I desperately wanted. It got fat. It makes my hungry. And it's making me fat. I have worked my ass off for over four years trying to obtain this body, to be thin enough that my loose skin is hidden under clothes, and now simply because I am eating food, which everyone does EVERY DAY, it is making me fat. All of my years of hardwork down the drain in a matter of days. It is hard to deal with. I feel like my body is constantly betraying me.
I was talking to my husband about a natural "set point" and he seems to agree with it. What if my natural set point is a lot heavier than I want? When do I get to decide how I want to look? A lot of people go to the gym and work out. They eat a ton. So, why can't I do that?
I also took a stool softener. Or a laxative. i'm not sure which. It's dolcolax? I'm going to have my husband pick up stool softeners tomorrow. It hurts when I go.
I contacted a person that I was speaking with a while ago. She is a published author. She had asked me to write as a guest blogger on her blog. I did. It was cathartic. Anyway, she was severe anorexic, hospitalized, and so I reached out to her. I love her because she always personally responds, and quickly. She asked if I had both of her books. I don't. I'm broke. She has sent me free excerpts, but I haven't been able to afford them. She is sending me something in the mail. I'm interested to see what it is. I always felt like a bother to her. So I had stopped writing. I feel like a bother to a lot of people.
Which brings me to my next complaint. I had a friend who is overweight. So she should somewhat understand my struggles. granted we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but basically eating disorders. She can't seem to stop eating, and I can't seem to eat. She can't lose weight, and I can't stop. It's the same thing, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't have a lot of friends. Basically people I meet online. My situation doesn't afford me the ability to meet new people or to invest in relationships because they are all one way. Literally. I have no car. Anyway, this girl is insecure in her relationships. So I apologized for lying low. When I feel like a big black hole, I don't want to suck everyone in. But I didn't want her to think it was her. She's been quite (uncharacteristically) uncompassionate with me. She apologized for being that way, on her own. Said she was afraid she was giving into my need for attention. Seriously? This is what makes me upset with Christians. We are called to carry one anothers burdens, and if you speak of it freely, then you are looking for attention. I'm not looking for attention. I'm looking for help, encouragement. I just feel like I have zero friends. And no one understands. Which is why I reached out to said author.
Feeling alone sucks. It leaves me in my head, and validating everything I pick apart about myself.
I sent a picture of my "pregnant" belly to my mother and sister in law. I don't know what I'm going to look like when they get here, but if I look like I have been looking then I dont' want any weird looks. Or comments in front of the kids. So I dropped a text and said my body is morphing because I'm eating.
I also did not count calories yesterday. I didn't do it because I didn't feel like there was a point. I mean, I now know i'm getting enough proteins and carbs and fats. The fat girl was trying to make sure that I didn't over eat by counting calories, but I'm gaining regardless of what I'm eating, so I may as well just stop counting. Of course, I do run the risk of not eating enough. But if I'm eating at least three meals and a snack a day, and responding to hunger cues, then oh well.
although I say this and I woke up terribly hungry, but unable to eat. And now I'm typing away and the hunger is completely gone. but I'll make myself eat in a bit.
Plans for the day: clean up some in the house. finish laundry, hang out with the kids. I never did get to watch girl, interrupted because I couldn't find it on Netflix or youtube. but I'm going to try a free week trial of something and watch it. I'll cancel on day five so there isn't any question.
Part of me feels very betrayed by my body. I guess taking more on than I should of others behavior. But as a little girl it attracted men. And at times it responded well to what they were doing, which did my head in and was very confusing for a very long time. But it never attracted the men that I wanted to attract. It miscarried babies I desperately wanted. It got fat. It makes my hungry. And it's making me fat. I have worked my ass off for over four years trying to obtain this body, to be thin enough that my loose skin is hidden under clothes, and now simply because I am eating food, which everyone does EVERY DAY, it is making me fat. All of my years of hardwork down the drain in a matter of days. It is hard to deal with. I feel like my body is constantly betraying me.
I was talking to my husband about a natural "set point" and he seems to agree with it. What if my natural set point is a lot heavier than I want? When do I get to decide how I want to look? A lot of people go to the gym and work out. They eat a ton. So, why can't I do that?
I also took a stool softener. Or a laxative. i'm not sure which. It's dolcolax? I'm going to have my husband pick up stool softeners tomorrow. It hurts when I go.
I contacted a person that I was speaking with a while ago. She is a published author. She had asked me to write as a guest blogger on her blog. I did. It was cathartic. Anyway, she was severe anorexic, hospitalized, and so I reached out to her. I love her because she always personally responds, and quickly. She asked if I had both of her books. I don't. I'm broke. She has sent me free excerpts, but I haven't been able to afford them. She is sending me something in the mail. I'm interested to see what it is. I always felt like a bother to her. So I had stopped writing. I feel like a bother to a lot of people.
Which brings me to my next complaint. I had a friend who is overweight. So she should somewhat understand my struggles. granted we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but basically eating disorders. She can't seem to stop eating, and I can't seem to eat. She can't lose weight, and I can't stop. It's the same thing, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't have a lot of friends. Basically people I meet online. My situation doesn't afford me the ability to meet new people or to invest in relationships because they are all one way. Literally. I have no car. Anyway, this girl is insecure in her relationships. So I apologized for lying low. When I feel like a big black hole, I don't want to suck everyone in. But I didn't want her to think it was her. She's been quite (uncharacteristically) uncompassionate with me. She apologized for being that way, on her own. Said she was afraid she was giving into my need for attention. Seriously? This is what makes me upset with Christians. We are called to carry one anothers burdens, and if you speak of it freely, then you are looking for attention. I'm not looking for attention. I'm looking for help, encouragement. I just feel like I have zero friends. And no one understands. Which is why I reached out to said author.
Feeling alone sucks. It leaves me in my head, and validating everything I pick apart about myself.
I sent a picture of my "pregnant" belly to my mother and sister in law. I don't know what I'm going to look like when they get here, but if I look like I have been looking then I dont' want any weird looks. Or comments in front of the kids. So I dropped a text and said my body is morphing because I'm eating.
I also did not count calories yesterday. I didn't do it because I didn't feel like there was a point. I mean, I now know i'm getting enough proteins and carbs and fats. The fat girl was trying to make sure that I didn't over eat by counting calories, but I'm gaining regardless of what I'm eating, so I may as well just stop counting. Of course, I do run the risk of not eating enough. But if I'm eating at least three meals and a snack a day, and responding to hunger cues, then oh well.
although I say this and I woke up terribly hungry, but unable to eat. And now I'm typing away and the hunger is completely gone. but I'll make myself eat in a bit.
Plans for the day: clean up some in the house. finish laundry, hang out with the kids. I never did get to watch girl, interrupted because I couldn't find it on Netflix or youtube. but I'm going to try a free week trial of something and watch it. I'll cancel on day five so there isn't any question.