can this last forever?
It's day 1 of having the scale in the basement, and the remote that goes to it upstairs, two floors away. So far I think i'm ok not weighing myself. But I have to say that i'm finding it incredibly depressing to have to eat. I laid around yesterday, and just cried and cried. I squandered a perfectly good day with my children being home by literally laying there and doing a whole lot of nothing but feeling sorry for myself. It's like, great I'm eating, and I'm going to get fat. But I feel like shit? This is the payoff? I literally would like to go into that room where you can pay to break things. I have all these negative emotions bundled up inside of me with no where for them to go. nothing to focus them on. I used to go for a nice long run, but now can't. I feel like a big baby. I know that these feelings need processed in a healthy way, I know that I need to learn to be in the moment and act opposite to how I feel, and every other fucking thing my therapist keeps telling me, but it's like when does it end? WHen will I be normal? Why does it have to take so long?
So, ya... I'm pretty much having melt downs because I have to eat. No pay off in starving, health consequences. But here I sit just wanting to sit on the couch with a cup of tea and left alone. i'm really ill equipped to deal with life. I feel like I'm too broken to function. And I'm beyond repair. How can I not want to be this way and want to be this way all at the same time?
why can't I just get medicated? But... I know for me that's bad. I'm such an addict with everything. I do nothing halfway. And I was an antidepressants for a bit and felt numb towards everything. Not even love and laughter with my kids. No fucking thank you.
So, that's me today. one big ball of negativity. Feeling hopeless and depressed. I hope they call with the holter results. They didn't have them yesterday.
I am taking my little man to get his 18 month pictures tonight. That will be fun. And my husband is getting us a holiday latte since they are having a buy one get one from 2-5.
Need to clean up and shower today. My hair hasn't been washed since Monday. I've been in a slump. I've showered my body just takes forever for my hair to dry. But I guess I should try not to be an embarrassment to the rest of my family. maybe I'll try to do some things that I really like to do.
So, ya... I'm pretty much having melt downs because I have to eat. No pay off in starving, health consequences. But here I sit just wanting to sit on the couch with a cup of tea and left alone. i'm really ill equipped to deal with life. I feel like I'm too broken to function. And I'm beyond repair. How can I not want to be this way and want to be this way all at the same time?
why can't I just get medicated? But... I know for me that's bad. I'm such an addict with everything. I do nothing halfway. And I was an antidepressants for a bit and felt numb towards everything. Not even love and laughter with my kids. No fucking thank you.
So, that's me today. one big ball of negativity. Feeling hopeless and depressed. I hope they call with the holter results. They didn't have them yesterday.
I am taking my little man to get his 18 month pictures tonight. That will be fun. And my husband is getting us a holiday latte since they are having a buy one get one from 2-5.
Need to clean up and shower today. My hair hasn't been washed since Monday. I've been in a slump. I've showered my body just takes forever for my hair to dry. But I guess I should try not to be an embarrassment to the rest of my family. maybe I'll try to do some things that I really like to do.